Monday, November 26, 2007

The Fall Guys: A Guide to Cyclists in Autumn

In the Northeast United States, the Fall is a beautiful time marked by vibrant colors, crisp temperatures, and people in wool sweaters traveling around in Swedish cars and watching trees change color. Personally, I don't get that excited about the foliage, but I do relish the effect the Fall has on the local cycling population, which changes just as surely as the leaves. If you're ever inclined to take a Fall cyclist foliage tour, here's a brief but helpful guide to some of the things you should look out for:

The Triathlete

At this point in the year The Triathlete has transitioned from short-shorts and half-shirt to full-length tights and loose-fitting long-sleeved runner's jersey (which is an outfit that is a helmet away from a pair of pajamas). However, he (or she, of course) has not yet transitioned from the 53x14 gear, nor from the "tuck" of questionable aerodynamic benefit that is less Pro Tour time trialist than it is pedantic professor resting his elbows on a lectern. Not even the vibrant colors of autumn are enough to distract The Triathlete from his or her mission of beating leisure cyclists over modest inclines, striving to improve on "personal bests," and abstaining from all aspects of cycling except for the going forward with your head down part.

The Alarmist

When the days grow shorter, the mercury dips below 65, and the first leaf turns, The Alarmist bolts upright in bed, throws open the wardrobe doors, and dons every piece of warm-weather cycling apparel therein. Before the clocks have changed, The Alarmist has changed into his balaclava, helmet cover, battery-heated booties, and three-fingered lobster gloves. If Assos makes it, he owns it. If they don't, Craft does, and he owns that too. He lives in mortal fear of illness-inducing chills, goose bumps and nipple erections, and he dreams hot and sultry dreams of cycling vacations to Death Valley, Equatorial Guinea, and the surface of Venus.

The Polar Bear

The Polar Bear is the polar opposite of The Alarmist. This rider is either unaware of or unconcerned with the fact that cycling apparel comes in varying lengths and thicknesses for various atmospheric conditions, and his cycling wardrobe consists of one short sleeve jersey, one long sleeve jersey, and one pair of cycling shorts. He may or may not also own a neon green windbreaker for the really cold days. An opportunistic leisure rider who normally doesn't ride in cold weather but just has to get out of the house occasionally, he can be seen riding on frigid days, his legs pink with cold and his sweatsocks pulled up to the knee as he laboriously turns his triple crank at 35rpm in the big ring. One is tempted to tell him of the existence of such innovations as full-fingered gloves, hats, and leg warmers, but one is also reluctant to break the concentration as evidenced from the determined look on his chapped, frostbitten, and frozen mucus-covered face--a look he will wear for days until it finally thaws.

The Serious Roadie

Even the serious roadie takes some time every year to relax. He's no longer worrying about the season that's just passed, and he's not yet preparing for next season. He's just having fun. As it happens, this period of relaxation was last Thursday, from 12:00 to 4:30, and if you're a roadie worth your embrocations then you're well into training for next year's meaningless park races. At this time of year The Serious Roadie can be seen riding alone, or he can be seen riding with other identically-clad cyclists in tight formations designed to discourage any sort of autonomy or enjoyment. The Serious Roadie has temporarily downgraded from his $2,000 carbon race wheels to his $1,200 aluminum training wheels. He's also got either a Power Tap or an SRM, he's watching his watts more carefully than a security guard at a lightbulb factory, and he is under strict instructions from a highly-paid coach that he is not to ride hard lest he inadvertently compromise his chances for a top-20 finish in a Tuesday night Cat 4 training race, or, worse yet, enjoy himself. And if his spirit is not yet broken completely, or if he doesn't quite trust himself, he might even be riding a pair of Power Cranks, the cycling equivalent of a Victorian anti-masturbation device.

The Undersea Explorer

Picture this: you're in the woods mountain biking on a crisp autumn day. You've stopped at the top of a small incline to take a bite of food, sip some liquid, and enjoy the quiet tranquility of the forest. Suddenly, in the distance, a twig snaps, and you in turn snap to attention like a frightened deer. The snapping sound is followed by the rustle of foliage, and as it grows closer you hear an insidious panting sound. What could it be? A wounded elk? A rabid bear? Some kind of arboreal sex fiend? Suddenly, it emerges--a frogman clad all in black with a hose over its shoulder and a visor on its helmet, sitting bolt upright atop some sort of dual-suspension undersea rover, it bobs and beelines toward you, spinning a great-granny gear whose "inches" can only be measured accurately in microns. It weaves up the incline until it dismounts from the contraption about halfway to the top. Like a deer, you remain stock-still, monitoring it from your peripheral vision until it pushes the stalled vehicle up the remainder of the hill, remounts, passes, and allows you to relax again.

83 comments:

Anonymous said...

winner

Anonymous said...

poulidor

Anonymous said...

virenque

Anonymous said...

So close...!

Anonymous said...

You forgot the male hipser-commuter who switches from girl's jeans to men's jeans in the winter to allow additional room for the flannel PJs.

Triksapekatt Vie said...

Intern!

I believe anon is for really one man!

BSNYC, very amusing. I saw on saturday a man riding his MTB on the very flat paved river trail near here. His knobby tires making the sound of slowwwwwness. His blue long sleevd performance jersey reflected the sun and his frame pump sticking out from his camelback over one shoulder like Braveheart's sword.

Anonymous said...

I don't get the last one.

erik k said...

errrr... what about the fixed gear free-stylers? do they evaporate when the temps drop below 50?

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 1:25pm,

It's the over-equipped and overdressed mountain biker complete with full tights and Camelbak. Perhaps it's just specific to my own experiences.

--BSNYC

mamsterla said...

It's not just you, BSNYC. Here in sunny SoCal, we get people who "suit up" the moment it drops below 60F in the morning lest their knees turn to dust or something.

Chris Mayhew said...

Every roadie I know is drinking like they lost their job and gaining weight like it is their job. Come January they will begin a training regimen that makes a Buddhist monk setting himself ablaze look as focused as a kid with ADHD and a case of Red Bull.

And then their are the 'crosser who have some damn sense and realize you can drink and race. Unlike the MTBers who feel that racing interferes with their drinking.

Jim said...

Nice - that got some Diet Coke spew going.

The serious roadie thing is too funny. I told my coach last week I wanted to do the first half of next season's basebuilding - from now until Jan 15th or so - on a fixed gear. Chuck the Powertap and Hr strap, maybe even toss the bike computer, just ride my ass off, pretend I'm Alfredo Binda, and take long long rides on the weekends. I've never seen anybody make the face he made before, but I'd guess the Pope makes that face right before excommunicating somebody for heresy.

leroy said...

Great post!

Now excuse me.

I'm going to write to Bicycling Magazine's Style Man to ask if it's too early to put snow chains on my road tires.

Velostrummer said...

Dear BSNYC -

Who gave you permission to take a hiatus for the Thanksgiving Holiday? While you may have been enjoying some time off, I was undergoing withdrawal symptoms - convulsions, seizures, headaches, nausea, diarrhea, the works. Please do not leave your faithful readers again like that.

clayton said...

i just spewed my diet mountain dew code red.

::snickers::

Anonymous said...

Top 20!

aaron said...

Roadie-turned-cafe-crosser: Roadies mount their cross rigs but are too afraid to ride offroad or -- God forbid -- actually race! Most rides involve slowly cruising the rail trail, sipping lattes in the $tarbucks lounge, and stopping (yes, stopping!) at a curb rather than hopping it.

Strange days.

mr.complaint said...

I had to reread this post several times. My mind kept wandering when I got to the "surface of Venus" part...

This weekend's ride certainly had a nice Yellow Brick road quality.

Heckler said...

I didn't realize cross could be so...stimulating.
(Thanks to BigJonny@DC)

Heckler said...

better linkage:

bikesgonewild said...

...whew !...i agree w/ velostrummer...

...today's post could be about tea doilies, monkey's nuts & lost socks & i'd still be savoring it...

...please, bsnyc, in the future consider the fragility of your patients, whoops, i mean faithful readers...

Josh Nadas said...

people who ride dual suspension mountain bikes (dualies) are silly.

unless they have to use a ski lift to get to the top of the mountain of course.

hardtail 4 life

Strayhorn said...

Saturday I was riding along in the bright cold air (45F) when I was passed by a woman triathlete wearing, of all things, a down jacket. One of those puffy things that make you look like a grenade.

I stopped at a country store for a break and a cup of coffee when a local club ride pulled in - everyone wearing the same thing, including the studied frown. They invited me to join their hammerfest back to town: "You can ride in the paceline!"

"Awesome," I said, "have a good time."

The best part of the ride: for two hours I was out of reach of the phone.

clayton said...

hardtail 4 life

omg. i just had some diet cherry vanilla dr. pepper come through my sinuses.

hellkitty said...

Lol!

I was thinking about this on yesterday's ride while donning the "Burglar Costume." (Black tights, black skullcap, black longsleeve jersey and black gloves).

While out there I passed a Polar Bear with blue legs!

Prolly said...

what about the fashionista fixed-gear kids who simply hang their bikes up for the winter? "the hibernation riders"

BikeSnobNYC said...

Velostrummer and Bikes Gone Wild,

I'm flattered, of course, but that's what the Cyclelicious Autosnob is for!

--BSNYC

Anonymous said...

my testicles favour dual suspension, especially on the decents

gewilli said...

oh shit....

i haven't laughed this hard in AGES...

"he might even be riding a pair of Power Cranks, the cycling equivalent of a Victorian anti-masturbation device."

LMFAO...

my stomach hurts from laughin so hard...

and i gotta wipe the tears of joy and laughter away...

thanks BikesnobNYC... ya made my day!!!!

bikesgonewild said...

...bsnyc...i'm sorry, but while fritz is a great guy & i read, enjoy n' post at both of his commuter sites AND while even you endorse 'autosnob', it just ain't right pour moi...

...some addictions require the 'real' hard stuff...if it's gonna course through my brain, it's gotta be the pure stuff...

Anonymous said...

Nadas... Your opinion is extremely important to me. I'm gonna get rid of my Bullit immediately. Damn, I actually loved that rig. Thanks for showing me the light.

Scott said...

I think I've been the frogman before. The best, though, is in midwinter when the person watching you like a frightened deer is a skier wondering what the hell some damn fool is doing out on the XC trail with a bike and a snow shovel.

Bluenoser said...

BSNYC wrote- and abstaining from all aspects of cycling except for the going forward with your head down part.

It's funny, Snob. I came across a tri-guy about one month ago in armwarmer weather. He was in all the above mentioned gear complete with those really expensive winter shoes that look like old school plastic Lange hockey skates without the blades.

The best part is that he was out for an hour and a half ride and had four large waterbottles onboard, you know the regular issue two on the frame and then the two used Gator-fade bottles behind the seat.

He was complaining of thirst as I passed him on the hill in his 53x14. He had that refusing to get out of the saddle head arm and shoulder thing going on that they learn from taped reruns of Jacques Cousteau specials on The Long Distance Migration of the Sea Turtle. A must have for every ti-guys library.

A little long winded but you've been away.

-Bluenoser

Anonymous said...

snobby, I do love me some FOILAGE this time of year

Fritz said...

For the undersea explorer, I was picturing one of these balaclava heat exchanger gizmos.

You forgot to mention that the Polar Bear's single pair of shorts has a rip about midway up the thigh.

Anonymous said...

"...if you're a roadie worth your embrocations then you're well into training for next year's meaningless park races"

meaningless!?! MEANINGLESS?!? aaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggg
it's no use going on now...

Anonymous said...

BSNYC, tell us what is it you do for a living?

how can you, day after generous day, come up with such cutting, pithy, finely crafted observations about the absurdity cycling culture? that kind of arduous devotion to your metier takes time, skill and patience. i mean, man, you nail it. every time. how do you do it?

KanyonKris said...

josh nadas: Have you tried a full suspension (FS) bike? I rode hardtails for years, still like them, but one ride on a FS and I've never looked back. I climb better with FS. And at 40+ I need to conserve all my limited strength for the climbs - don't have energy to spare doing double-duty as a shock absorber. And I also favor my testicles. :-)

To each their own. Rock on with your hardtail purity, I'm happy with my squishy FS goodness.

velostrummer said...

BSNYC -

Let me echo the words of bikesgonewild. A hardcore heroin addict wants the gear, the smack, the horse, the good stuff. Not the sickly sweet taste of methadone. It just doesn't cut it.

If I want bike methadone, I'll go the aforementioned sight. But when I'm looking for hardcore cycling junk, I'm getting my fix here. Next time, please leave hook us up with something to help with the painful withdrawal, the BSNYC DTs, if you will.

rmckittr said...

In regards to FGF's in Autumn. I think that BSNYC was referring to cyclists that you would actually see out on the road. Up here in balmy Boston, there is not a FGFer to be seen, unless they are also pulling down dockets as a courier. So BSNYC is correct to have left FGF's out of this post.

M. Weed said...

If anything, I like riding in the Winter better because all the fixsters stay in. Most of them around here don't eat enough to be able to keep warm when it's below freezing out, anyway. Plus it's awesome that in the Winter, nobody ever tries to race when I'm riding on my lunch break, and all the rollerbladers are off the river trail.

Plus there is nothing like a metric century in the dead of winter with three thermoses of hot cider in your backpack.

TeddyFrank said...

Ahh Autumn. The 7 autumns that I rode in NYC were great since it marked the end of "tourist season" for bike commuters. Sure it's fun to make fun of humorless tri-atheletes and overdressed gearheads, but the real people to make fun of are the one's that aren't even there. I used to love the autumn mornings going up the chute of the Williamsburg bridge without having to look up some slowpokes butt and smiling as I got to the top, seeing nary a single fixed gear dilitant. I would blow out a little cloud of cold air and wonder if this is what it feels like to be a crabby, year-round Cape Codder after the "summmer people" had left.

Of course, now I live in St. Louis Missouri and the 1 guy that I see on my morning commute, who dresses in long lycra tights, a tight jersey and rocks a 15 year old mountain bike with slicks and panniers to hold his business chlothes, is my only company.

MTB fool... said...

Why you hate the black-clad MTB rider so much? We gots to hide the dirt!

Anonymous said...

It's funny that commenters will often ask "Why do you pick on FGers so much--why don't you rag on randonneurs/take-out delivery guys/women/etc.", and then there's a post like this, and people are all like "why aren't you making fun of fixed gear hipsters?"

Anonymous said...

re: Triksapekatt Vie -

I think you're on to something. It's suspicious that for a full half hour after BS's post there are no comments, and then 1, 2 and 3 all appear within a minute. Which means after the scandal and disqualifications, you're actually third on the podium. Nice!

db said...

What m.weed said. I put on some inverted treads and get some nice long rides in during late fall and winter. Those country highways are even less crowded when the ag. traffic is dormant.

mander said...

Hellkitty, I refer to that sort of getup as a Sprockets Outfit. I have one too.

clayton said...

i just coughed up some reduced sugar sparkling grapefruit juice.

Anonymous said...

Anon 5:14 - Sweet! Then by your calculations I actually picked up podium although I finished 15 minutes after those other three (at 1:18). See... who needs "juice", wait'll I tell the guys at the bar!

Anonymous said...

To all of those johhny come lately podium jockeys I'd will wait until the doping results are through before claiming victory. And could that object of sexual disfunction correction be used as a tea strainer????????????

Anonymous said...

TeddyFrank - i am the one you see in Stl. me in lycra on cold mornings, etc. commuting, no car involved.
You must be the dweeb with the african earhold styler earings, eh ?
Jose

sdl said...

this is a very bizarre place ...
people racing to be the first commenter? do you competitors even actually read the posts? also, it seems there's lots of diet soda -- some colorful and flavorful -- spewed through noses.

bsnyc: your powers of observation and command of language are AMAZING.
had i been drinking a diet soda -- or any other drink -- i too would have spewed it out my nose at your bits about the triathlete and the serious roadie. spot on!
well done. definitely one of the finest missives i've read about ANYTHING, EVER.

Triksapekatt Vie said...

Ha, I used to rock the Fjords shirtless in r/w/b knickers and sanadlas at -20c on this:

http://www.nostalgic.net/pictures/2217.htm

Anonymous said...

Matt in Seattle is a Craigslist loser.

http://seattle.craigslist.org/see/bik/490336599.html

leroy said...

Triksapekatt vie --

They have one of those bikes on display in the open storage area of the Brooklyn Museum. Very cool.

leroy said...

Here's the link to the Bowden Spacelander.

http://www.brooklynmuseum.org/research/luce/browse_location.php?case=13

Probably more for trekking Venus than the fjords.

Triksapekatt Vie said...

Cool link!

Problem is the bike is so aesthetic that I think it would look terrible with a person on it.

what do you wear atop a Bowden?

A tweed spacesuit?

Philip Williamson said...

Velostrummer - like Clayton, I have convulsions, seizures, headaches, nausea, and diarrhea when I read this blog!

That's why I love it so.

Anonymous said...

Ahhh... after 4 days going without we get served up a nice piece of extra-chunky BSNYC. Felt like the Great American Smoke-Out for a few days there. Welcome back, Snob.

Anonymous said...

I, anonymous, was the podium polluter yesterday. Sorry guys, but I have Spidey-sense tingles when his posts go up. Like Sven Nys in the Superprestige, my streak will come to an end.

Anonymous said...

Anonyomous 10:18 -

I'm not sure why you think selling a reasonable bike at a reasonable price ($450.00 for a bike that retails for around $650.00 qualifies as reasonable) on craigslist automatically makes you a loser.

Outing someone through their craigslist ad isn't clever and just makes you look like a jerk.

Illinoisfrank said...

That Bowden Spacelander needs a set of Cinelli Neo Morphe handlebars. Saddle suggestions, anyone?

Bujiatang said...

I went for a ride Thursday morning while it was snowing in Minneapolis. I saw tracks but no other bikes. I was excited to try out a new set of tires and the added tread came in handy in front of Fort Snelling.

Its been my experience that winter cyclists are more polite. This, I think, is extended fall now.

clayton said...

Philip Williamson - the diarrhea is the WORST! i hate it when the diet coke or other specific diet or reduced sugar beverage actually makes it down only to be spewed from my other end. awful, but hillarious and well worth noting in verbose detail here on BSNYC's comments.

TRMC said...

Very funny post, especially that lat one. Great prose there. Although I have to confess I am one of those guys I suppose...

Anonymous said...

"Anonyomous" 10:28AM day 2

If Matt in Seattle wants to be open and prominent in this forum, then he should pay the price when someone spots his CL ad.

I wasn't commenting on his bike or price, just on his lack of self-imposed anonymity. He is the one that put himself out there.

Did I hurt your dear boy's feelings?

Anonymous said...

..slight error in content, everyone knows try-athletes don't ride before June 21st or after August 3rd.

--Ray

Anonymous said...

I wasn't commenting on his bike or price, just on his lack of self-imposed anonymity. He is the one that put himself out there.

You're right, it's his fault. Matt, you are going to pay dearly, for not, um, adhering to the strict policy of self-imposed anonymity. Which some douche has self-imposed on you.

Anonymous said...

The spear sticking from my chest after reading the "Serious Roadie" description is too much to bear. Many tears. Much gnashing of teeth.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous November 27, 2007 1:40 PM

Did you notice that Matt's CL ad had a setup action shot of Matt on the bike?

If Matt wanted to sell the bike, then why doesn't he show a picture of the bike.

Isn't Matt's ad really about Matt, and not his bike?

Cheers,
Not Matt in Seattle

Tom Siano said...

F ing scream

TeddyFrank said...

No way, Jose,
No wierd earlobe stretchy things on me, you got the wrong guy. Only thing coming out of my ear is an earbud. Perhaps I was a little too harsh though. After all, aesthetics or no, there's not a single, goddamned other person on a bike on Manchester road in the morning. STL has too few cyclists as it is for me to be hating.

Anonymous said...

Oh man I just cracked a rib and realized that I have wasted thousands on cycleanalysis trying to figure out what kind of rider I am when I am obvious a serious roadie. I can't keep my eyes off of the powermeter and indeed have switched to the aluminum wheels. www.joaoisme.com

Anonymous said...

I passed a guy this morning who was wearing a balaclave, ski goggles, and sheepskin mittens. Its 36 degrees out.

Anonymous said...

I switch to winter shoes and gloves when it gets in the 50s, but I've always had poor circulation and cold feet.

Matt in Seattle said...

Just want to be clear that this is the first time I'm posting to the attack on my cyber-person. Who cares? I'm not really concerned about folks hating about my selling a bike. If it makes me a loser, well, that's fine. I'm not here to make friends with folks who post hate anonymously. I've got 5 bikes and room for four, so I'm selling one, big deal. Did I know what I would get a bunch of crap from someone in a BSNYC posting? Sure I did, but again, who really cares? That being said, who wants a One Way, 55cm, pick-up only in Seattle for $400? Hate on that too kids.

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