Thursday, September 6, 2007

New Road Bike Owner's Bill Of Rights

If you're anything like me, you find the information that new bicycles are supplied with to be woefully inadequate. There's a lot to learn when it comes to cycling, and newcomers should not be expected to have to learn everything for themselves. As such, I've been doing my best to add to the canon of literature that is supplied with new bicycles. Some time ago I proposed a fixed-gear owner's manual. However, this is only useful to a limited number of riders, and it's particularly useless when it comes to the midlife crisis sports car of bicycles, the road bike. High-end road bike buyers know their power as consumers, and they need to be reminded that they're buying just more than a piece of Taiwanese carbon fiber. Here's a laminated piece of parchment that should come with every single pro bike replica:

Congratulations on the purchase of your brand-new high-end road bike. Along with a pie plate, a set of reflectors, and more legal disclaimers than a Levitra commercial, your bicycle also comes with certain inalienable rights, and simply purchasing and owning this bicycle confers these rights onto you. Be sure to know these rights and to act accordingly while operating your machine.

I) The Shop That Sold You The Bike Is Indebted To You Forever

Like libraries, Planned Parenthood clinics, and public restrooms, bike shops only exist for your convenience and betterment, and should not be expected to act in their own self-interest. As such, buying a bicycle at the end of the season for a 30% discount means the shop should demonstrate its gratitude to you for as long as you live. After all, between the substantial discount and the man-hours spent serving you and building the bicycle, they almost made a profit! Remind them of that every time they won’t fix something for free, or ask you to pay for a water bottle, or bother you as you spend three hours trying on clothes so you know what size Primal jersey to order from Performance.

II) You Can Now Race Absolutely Everybody

Owning a high-end road bike means you are now part of the largest bicycle race in the world. Always remember that everybody on a road bike is engaged in a race at all times. That guy who seems to be simply spinning his legs out after a 90-mile training ride is actually attempting to lure you into complacency so that when you ride by he can pounce and beat you to the next stoplight. Don’t let that happen! Other common ploys in which wily cyclists engage include: idly chatting with another rider; stopping to fix a flat; being hit by a car; and teaching a child how to ride. If you see another rider doing any of those things, attack immediately!

III) You Are Entitled To The Title Of Your Choice
Italian National Champion? Tour de France Champion? World Champion? If there’s a jersey for it, you’re entitled to it. That’s right, under no circumstances should you feel awkward wearing the hardest-fought colors in the world of professional cycling on your relentless campaign to dominate the bike path. Not only is it your right to race everybody, but it’s also your right to experience the sheer thrill of dominating them while wearing the coveted Maglia Rosa.

IV) You Are Entitled To Silky-Smooth Comfort At All Times

Cycling should never involve any discomfort, especially when you’ve paid top-dollar for a high-end road bike. Remember: if you feel any pain whatsoever while riding, it is the fault of the bicycle. Fortunately, there is always a component you can purchase (or demand your bike shop swap out for you at their cost) that can alleviate that pain. A bicycle should transmit no more road sensation to you than your Range Rover. If you feel the road in any way whatsoever, switch to a carbon fork. If you still feel the road, switch to carbon bars. If that doesn’t work, get a carbon stem. If it still doesn’t work, get some gel-filled gloves and handlebar tape so that you feel like you’re grasping an overripe avocado.

V) You Should Never Have To Know What It Feels Like To Lose

When you buy a Mercedes or BMW, you get instant respect. As you drive by, people rightfully think to themselves, “Wow, that’s somebody more important and successful than me.” Well, it’s no different with your bike. Woody Allen once said, “90% of success is just showing up.” Similarly, 90% of being a good rider is looking like a good rider, and you should never have to suffer the indignity of doing poorly in a race, or being dropped, or being schooled by riders on bikes that cost less than your wheelset. It’s entirely reasonable to expect your bicycle to deliver instant results. If it doesn’t, then something’s wrong with the bike. Immediately inspect your bicycle and replace faulty components with more expensive ones.

VI) You Are Now Part Of The Club

Being a cyclist or bike racer is about one thing and one thing only: owning a bike. So don’t expect any hazing, or funny looks, or jokes at your expense. Don’t expect to have to learn to race before joining a racing team. Don’t expect to suffer, or to get dropped, and don’t expect to pay any dues. If you bought the right bike, you will enjoy immediate respect. If you’re unsure of which bike to ride, simply read the manufacturer’s website copy. It will tell you in no uncertain terms what you can expect. Congratulations, and welcome to the world of competitive cycling.

58 comments:

Sean Lynch said...

I thought Roadies were granted an automatic exemption from all driving laws as well.

It seems like it by the way they weave all over the bike lanes on my daily commute.

Oh, they must be tired from the training ride they started at 5:00am and they are just spinning down during my 7:00am commute. Time for them to consume more sports gel or something.

My mistake!

db said...

Don't forget that now that YOU have a road bike, it's perfectly OK to ride two-abreast on a narrow, winding road. You've got to be able to swap expensive-component-upgrade stories at the end of tough 25-miler.

Anonymous said...

Shouldn't Trek be required to provide a matching handlebar bag with a new Madone?

Anonymous said...

Remember Worthington's Law: More Money = Better Than

Scottie said...

I think you should amend the undeserved jersey part to emphasize wearing a jersey particularly not suited to you. For example, big heavy guys should wear polka dots and get dropped on hills, while little spindly guys should wear green despite being hopelessly unable to sprint (I've seen both recently). Also, someone actually capable of winning races should wear the French national champion jersey. Hey-o!

gewilli said...

i don't think i'd be laughin so hard if any of this sh-stuff wasn't true...

brilliant sh-stuff man... brilliant

Jim said...

Man, Sean is so right. Gosh, what was I thinking when I was riding to work at 7:00 AM, after riding intervals for two hours? Sean, when you passed me, were you on the bike with the chain and pedals that creaked when you pedaled? You had the hairy legs and the faded red Pearl Izumi jersey, and that pissed off look? You pumped your fist when you passed, right? Sorry bro, if I'd known it was you I would have held my line and consumed more sports gel, or at least some sports drink or sports electrolyte tablets while you tore my legs off.

Sean has stumbled on an ugly truth. The ugly truth is that we amateur racer morons really aren't faster or better bike handlers than hairy legged commuters, we actually suck @ss like nobody's business and just ride around slowly to make commuters think we're cooling down or warming up. We do it to hide our pathetic weakness on the bike. My Powertap may show 78 watts and 14 MPH, but inside, my heart is exploding like a Conti 1000 at the mention of broken glass, and it's all I can do to choke down the vomit. If Sean tried one of our weak@ss group rides (I highly recommend the 10 AM DC Velo ride for that purpose) he'd crush us all and awe us with his bike handling, and probably have to turn pro and decimate the ProTour's ranks shortly thereafter. We poser amateur racer wankers are really depressingly bad riders, as any commuter who has passed us mid-commute can attest. Slow, anorexic or in a surprising number of cases sorta chubby, some of us ride really crappy bikes like crosschecks or these old beater brands with chipped paint nobody ever heard of like "Masi" or "Fondriest" ... it's hideous, really. God, we can't even afford a decent jersey like the Nike TdF Maillot Jaune 2004, instead we wear these crappy things with local business names on them, like the outfield fence at the local little league ballpark. I think I'm going to quit racing and just commute from now on. Y'know. To raise my game a bit.

BTW, DB, nice picture of your mom in your comment there. She's kinda hot in a wandering-eyed-commuter-chick-on-an-old-Trek sort of way.

Colin R said...

jim - you realize the only thing sean accused roadies of was weaving all over the bike lane, right?

I appreciate your spirited defense of amateur-racers-who-take-themselves-very -seriously, though!

Anonymous said...

The website copy, man that's good! As a matter of fact, I just finished writing web copy for a bike company! Really, I did. Now it's up to you to find it.

Cheers!

Matt in Seattle

Anonymous said...

For number IV, you left out the ultimate in bodily comfort - the carbon seat.

Anonymous said...

some guy posted on bikeforums about getting back in the road game after a 17 year layoff. his question was to tune up the old custom bike he already has, or buy a new high zoot roadie.

some people actually posted that the new bikes are faster because they have better brakes. and that he'll climb better on compact geo. or that closer gear ratios make you faster too...natch the 52x12 of old could not be as fast as modern 52x12 new ones

db said...

Thanks, Jimbo. She's available, if you can catch her! Is that your family in your photo?

BTW, I'm also a roadie. But I don't think we're above criticism.

Anonymous said...

This was good, really good.

The phenomenon of No. 1 in particular, killed it.

bikebrooklyn said...

Let's not forget the time trial set up. I laugh so hard I cry every time I see those guys with full disc wheels and aero - bars.
Don't get me wrong, I'm slow as molasses, but at least I'm not getting blown over by my own rear wheel while going 10 mph.

Sean Lynch said...

Jim,

Relax. I think the roadies who were actually training ride straighter when comatose than the 'roadies' I was making fun of.

The ones I was joking about dress like you guys, but are commuting to work just like me.

They are usually easy to spot. They can't ride, their bikes are too pretty so you know they don't ride everyday, and they have more body fat than I do.

They don't deserve their bikes, but they can afford them.

BTW I was the guy on the '85 Panasonic wearing a bike the drive t-shirt.

Jim said...

Colin, yeah, I know, but Sean's commment was silly, like accusing all commuters of being idiots. Some are - the Pathletes in particular - but most commmuters are perfectly 'em are cool. I guess it hit close to home. I was out doing intervals between 5:00 and 7:00 this morning, no joke, and when I finished, I was hurting and weaving up the bike path worse than Lindsey Lohan on meth.

db - thanks! Anybody who knows me in Meatspace knows that is a pretty fair avatar for me - big, bit of a temper, likes to graze, mind the horns.

Anonymous said...

...while i realize the nature of your column is to better elucidate & inform the public of cycling's joys & vagaries, bikesnob, i believe you have inadvertently created a satire here, sir...

...as an infallible roadie (when i'm not on my cross ride), i'm just not certain that you're aware of your faux pas...we, sir, are like "gods of the road" & hopefully will be given that respect...why, the money i've spent on cycling gear alone entitles me to be admired...

...well, bikesnob, speaking of which, i've taken enough of your time, so i think i'll go & admire my bikes for awhile...

Jim said...

Hey Colin, cross-posted. We're cool. I'd still quibble though.

Actual racers usually handle okay, what you've probably noticed is good line-holding skills and a lack of fear in close quarters, this gives an appearance of steadiness and passes for good bike handling. It's also why we tend to ride two abreast - the average bike path *could* hold four abreast safely. The best handling group on the road, IMNAAHO, are Randonneurs / Audax riders.

Second, as The Fattest Roadracer in The World™, I'd argue that not all racers are stick like, though most are and I'm trending that way. Well, I'm becoming log-like, which is better than keg-like. Most racers are sticks, but at least among amateurs, especially crit riders and trackies, some are fairly stout. One of the better local 'crossers is a legit clydesdale, no carrying a water bottle to make the weigh-in. If I lose 30 more pounds I'll be nearly as skinny as he is... and ten times slower.

Third, Panasonics... were well made bikes. I'm a little surprised they aren't cult objects, like Bridgestones.

Anonymous said...

Sean Lynch: exactly how does one "deserves" his/her bike?

Anonymous said...

This is my favorite of your posts so far - great job!

Luke said...

Ah, deserving bikes. Who deserves any bike? Get over it. Truly. Some people want to spend their money on expensive bikes. So what. Doesn't mean they are or aren't jerks. How would they deserve their bike? Riding it a lot? Being a Cat 3? A Cat 2? A pro? Someone who kissed your ass?

Anonymous said...

Hehe, what is sadder: bragging about passing the slow guy on a $10,000 bike, or being the slow on a $10,000 bike?

len said...

commuters are the coolest cyclists out there.

the rest of it is just a bunch of childish bs

Anonymous said...

Related to Right Number II, you forgot the inalienable right to blast around Central Park's 6-mile park drive on Sunday afternoons, past children with training wheels, grandmas on old raleighs with wicker baskets, and wobbly teens on roller blades, screaming, "ON YOUR LEFT!!!"

That's almost my favorite right... second only to the second amendment.

fourthree said...

Man, the other mechanics at the shop're gonna LOVE this.

Anonymous said...

People are actually responding to this as if it is serious commentary. Wow. Insecure much?

Anonymous said...

and there's the special with today's purchase only free gift of having every hipster on their ratty spoke carded fixie want to drag race. If you're the guy who raced me and blew every red light on North Ave this morning to later catch up and say "you had gears" I give you this advice-get gears and you won't have to run red lights to catch my offical pro bike.

Anonymous said...

is "you got gears" like "you got served"?

What about computers on bikes? The mphs never match up to my highs in spin class.

Anonymous said...

Shit I want a polka dot jersey because I like polka dots and precisely because I weigh too much and am a lousy climber. The rider you saw wearing one may have also been trying to make, albeit a weak one, joke. Does Primal Wear make one in 5X yet?

proxy said...

Brilliant hilarity. Much commendation to you!

Unknown said...

As a bike shop owner I just about spit up I was laughing so hard at the first Bill of Rights.
I wish I could show this to so many of my "good" customers.
Thanks!!!

Anonymous said...

my parents went to France in July and all they got me was a polka dot jersey

Scottie said...

Anon 1:38,

You need to find a way to affix this message to your maillot à pois rouges:

"My parents went to France and all they did was win the KOM competition to get me this stupid jersey"

Lizardo said...

Scott~

I would buy that shirt!!!

Anonymous said...

Jim: There may be good reasons from a road training perspective to ride two abreast. In a perfect world, bike paths could accommodate up to four abreast.

The wprld aint perfect. The roadies don't have any more right to the paths than the commuters and the tourists out for a spin.

You guys have to find either a better place or better times to practice group riding. Crowded commuter hours or weekend pleasure rush on the paths is neither the right place or right time.

If you all insist, you have to expect snide remarks.

Now I am off to the path for work ..

Anonymous said...

What I want to know is: why are such ultra-athletes using the MUP for their training rides? surely there is a worthy stretch of road out there where they can really "open 'er up" and crank up the megawats.

Megadorks.

Scottie said...

Chazu,

I'd ammend that to don't draft anyone while wearing aero gear. That's the point of aero gear: so you can ride without drafting other people. If you're going to draft someone, ride shallow section rims and no booties, like the pros do. They break out the aero stuff when they're riding alone.

Anonymous said...

BSNYC,

You've nailed (sorry) the sexual frustrations of fixed hipsters ("fipsters"?).

You've put titanium skewers in the vanity of roadies.

Now, it's time for the self-righteous commuter to get pilloried.

Have at it!

Your devoted,
Bike Snob Commuter

Anonymous said...

Lest we forget the guys out there in Full TT gear right down to the 808's on the bike path at rush hour. Now that's how to get a good TT workout; at a heart stopping, Lactic Acid pumping 17mph pain zone. Feel the burn!

Unknown said...

just last night, on my way home after a ten hour day messengering. had a wheelsucker on a trek 7billionwhatever dura acehole carbon wonder machine crash into my back end when I had to stop for a pedestrian crossing ----and I'm running brakeless fix......go figure

Anonymous said...

come for bike snob nyc, stay for the comments. this my new favorite blog! thank you.

Illinoisfrank said...

Great post. I would like to point out that although great minds think alike, you write with knowledge and wit and craft. I enjoyed reading it. Even more so because I know people like that. Other people. Not me. Really.

Anonymous said...

Very informative post, but it overlooks the New Road Bike Owner's right to wear spandex shorts and tight jerseys no matter what shape you're in.

And really, when it comes right down to it, that's why I commute on a road bike.

I mean, why leave to chance the topics my kids will be talking about in therapy years from now?

Instead, I get a little exercise, save the subway fare (and get a seat for my commute), and my kids will do their homework, clean up their rooms etc. if I merely threaten to walk them to school on my way in to work.

So if you see me commuting on the bike path in a polka dot jersey, I'm not pretending to be KOM. I'm just doing my bit for good parenting.

Anonymous said...

"My parents went to France and all they did was beat the crap out of some skinny dude on a bike to get me this stupid jersey"

Anonymous said...

i think the only thing this over-and-over commuter vs. amateur racer debate has proved is that the internet is not a good forum for debate.

for me, speed or quality of bicycle is not indicative of hardcoreness or seriousness. more important is the severity of inclement weather: the worse, the more hardcore and serious. that's the only indication that is objective and makes sense to me.

Anonymous said...

Quit your sniffling commuters. You know Cat. 4 racers rule the road. Two abreast is actually safer in a lot of instances but commuters wouldn't understand that. By the way, I commute too.

Jacobsen

Anonymous said...

OK Douglas... lay it on us.... convey your foul weather anectodes.

Does urinating off the bike while riding and being pelted with dime-sized hail in high wind at least keep me out of the "fair-weather-rider-only" category?

- ch.

Anonymous said...

...illiniosfrank, remember that although," great minds think alike ", the inverse is, " fools seldom differ "...

...just sayin'...

Anonymous said...

Oh I'm laughing so f..... hard! This is so good, so true, it makes me wonder about your own roadie insecurity status. Excellent.

Anonymous said...

And... the fatter the owner, the pinker the jersey!!

Illinoisfrank said...

BGW, I only said "great minds think alike" as a weak attempt to ride upon BSNYC's coat tails. And as we remember from Logic 101, if the original statement is always true (rather a leap here I admit), the inverse is not necessarily true. The contrapositive, however, is always true. (May I have the next slide, please.) What would the contrapositive of "great minds think alike" be? Something like "if they don't think alike they can't be great minds". I leave the testing of the original statement as homework. Thus concludes our lesson and I expect I will be banned from posting here for a while.

Anonymous said...

Dear Anonymous Sept. 7, 11:18 PM,

I don't think Douglas can properly answer your question about whether you are in the "fair weather rider" category until you let him know if your shorts were up or down while peeing off your bike in the hail storm.

On the other hand, we have enough information to know that the "fair weather rider" category does not apply to anyone drafting you.

Scott said...

I'm a roadie with an ill-equipped 9-speed bike... I must have 10-speed to complete my life and make me a better rider, any deals?

Anonymous said...

Amen to Rule #1.

Anonymous said...

I don't fall into the category of over-equipped, under tailored, and too serious...but I will gladly slip these robes on for a spell. Mx. and Mx. Hipster, don't worry, I won't be polite to your indignant, overly self righteous null space again. Especially in 3 years when you move on to the next ultra hip, under ground scene and leave your shitty fixie in the garage behind your new car. My Mavic Open Pro's will welcome your absence. Have another red light burner and keep building the publics favorable opinion of road bikes with your stellar etiquette.

Anonymous said...

Great post. Mainly about me. But I don't care if you laff, 'cause I'm (a) too old to care and (b) like riding my cool carbon Specalized S-Works "Geezer Geometry" Roubaix way too much to care.

Couldn't afford the all-531-double-butted all-Campy Eddy Merckx when I was skinny enough to look good on it, but I can afford even better now. Eat my 17-mph carbon dust, you young pups!

Anonymous said...

Good Job! :)

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