Friday, September 21, 2007

Just Deserts: Interbike BSNYC Product Preview


What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas—except for gimmicky bike products, which unfortunately follow us around all year long. I too have been hard at work developing some new products designed to make the cycling world a better place—for me. I will be displaying these products next week at my Interbike booth, which will be located in a restroom stall in the Sands Convention Center. No appointment necessary, just get in the stall next-door and tap your foot impatiently. (Though if you pick the wrong restroom and there are any congressmen in town, this could go horribly awry.)


Anxiety-Sensing Pedals

There’s certainly nothing wrong with unclipping a foot from your pedal as you approach an obstacle or tricky situation. However, sometimes you get stuck behind timid cyclists who stop pedaling and unclip at the merest hint of difficulty: a wadded-up tissue; a sparrow bathing in dust; even a single dry autumn leaf can be enough to make them unclip faster than an untied torture victim unclips himself from a car battery.

I figure if these riders don’t have to worry about unclipping, they’ll keep pedaling, and I can get to where I’m going. So, using polygraph technology, I’ve developed a pedal that will automatically release when your stress levels reach a certain threshold. And you determine the threshold! Simply set it the way you’d set the mechanical release tension on an ordinary pedal and ride. Next time you encounter a shallow puddle or a sheet of newspaper, you can pedal confident in the knowledge that your pedal is fully in tune with your complete insecurity.


Tri Bike-Filtering Eyewear

When it comes to triathlons, I prefer to live in denial. The lenses on my new line of eyewear will filter out all triathlon bikes when you put them on, so you don’t have to look at them. I’m also developing a recumbent version, as well as one that will filter out certain colors of Velocity Deep Vs. (For Bianchi-haters, you will also be able to special-order Celeste-blocking lenses at an upcharge.)


Laser-Guided Water Bottle

Another source of irritation for me in group rides and races is the rider who can’t seem to put his bottle back after he drinks from it. Coaxing a nervous parakeet back into its cage is difficult; putting a plastic bottle back into its cage is not. Nonetheless, some riders swerve all over the road as they attempt to complete this simple task. First they blindly stab at the cage with the bottle. Then they swerve the bike back and forth and hold the bottle still, as if that will somehow work better. It’s like watching someone fail a sobriety test. What are people keeping in their bottles—vodka? At any rate, my laser-guided water bottle will put an end to this once and for all. After you drink, the bottle emits an intermittent beeping sound. Just move the bottle around the vicinity of the cage. When you get a “lock,” the beeping sound becomes constant. Then—bombs away! Just jab that sucker downward and in it goes.


Combination Leg-Waxing and Tubular-Gluing Kit

What’s more annoying than trying to find the perfect gift for the roadie who has everything? Well, here’s one more thing they didn’t know they needed. This environmentally-friendly and pleasant-smelling adhesive is equally effective at sticking tires to your rims and as a depilatory. Line up at the start with smoothness, and then corner with confidence! No toolkit (or toiletry kit) is complete without it.


Modular Bicycle Stopping Device

A problem I’ve been encountering with increasing frequency is the fixed-gear rider who overtakes me in traffic and then suddenly skids in order to stop himself from slamming into some taxi door or jaywalker. I feel it’s completely unfair that I should be put at risk because they choose to slow their bicycles in such a ridiculous manner. For this reason, I’ve developed a device that attaches to a bicycle’s fork. Basically, it’s a lever-actuated caliper that grips the wheel rim, creating friction and subsequently slowing the bicycle. The lever is handlebar-mounted, and is not only easy to reach, but offers much more modulation than leg-braking while still allowing for it. And, it can be easily removed in the unlikely event you wish to ride on a track. I’ve personally been using this device on all my bikes (fixed included) and can attest to its efficacy and unobtrusiveness.

54 comments:

Anonymous said...

Bravo! Snob, you're in peak form here. Easily the best writen peice I read all morning.

todd said...

Um...how would you feel about partnering up on the big invention I've been working on- CARBON FIBER WATER!

Just imagine the nerds who'd line up to pay through the nose for high tech water that weighs only half as much as regular water. Cause really, what's the point in having a 14lb bike if you're gonna load it up with 6lbs of water?

I got my Mr. Wizard's Junior Chemist Kit up and running in my garage and the molecular blueprints are already on file at the US Patent Office.

With your laser guided water bottle filled with my water, we could make millions Snob, millions.

Anonymous said...

the cf water would go nicely with the scandium catheter i'm currently marketing for raam. one hitch though; due to it's rigidity (note: it will absorb road vibrations), i've had to make some after market modifications which have put me in patent conflict with the bendy straw folks.

bsnyc: does that friction rim clinching device used to slow or even stop a bike come in blue?

Professor Frink said...

I have been working on electromagnetic pedals and shoes but I haven't been able to figure out the release part without some sort of button. With the BSNYC polygraph technology and anxiety sensing pedals, we could make more millions. After you and Todd, of course...

gewilli said...

"Modular Bicycle Stopping Device"

that's the best!

Anonymous said...

Modular Bicycle Stopping Devices are for Pu$$ies.
haha.
Great post BSNYC...

Philip Barrett said...

Great ideas y'all but I'm glad you didn't try to steal mine -

Instantly Lose 1,200 grams From Your Bike!

My new ENC (Emperor's New Clothes) line of performance cycle wear guarantees substantial weight savings. Once you don my complete line, not only will the public gasp in amazement but you will instantly become lighter & therefore much faster. Plus, think what you could do with that 1,200 grams? An FSA Carbon Pro Elite Triple Touring Crankset perhaps?

ENC clothing comes in an almost infinite variety of sizes & colors & is guaranteed to fit perfectly. Completely machine washable and easily repairable the ENC line will stand up to many years of use.

*Note, Not designed for use around perceptive young children.

Anonymous said...

I'll be over in the next stall with my Chopped Bar Extensions that greatly improve handling. Also showing a prototype version of these that telescopes out while riding and collapses into the bar ends so you can park outside the coffee shop and no one will know the difference.

Also, I hope I'm first to market with the playing card mounting brackets for Aerospokes...

bikesgonewild said...

...i assume all products listed here will be red anodized...

...please send me a pair of your tri-filtering glasses immediately...request the "i can still see bianchis option", as i own two bincky bikes...

Stuggy said...

Dear Snob, does your Tribike Filtering Eyewear work equally well for regular road bikes with clip-on aero bars? If so, I have instructed my shop-owning friend to pick me up a pair whilst attending Interbike.

Bravo!

Pete said...

What about 'Barely there bar-tape'?
It'll please all those types who like the look of bare bars as well as those who feel that (road) bars should always have tape.
What say thee Bike Snob?? hehe

Anonymous said...

bsnyc, are those your feet poking into my stall? if so, im me so i can respond in kind. additionally, go to booth 5440 where we're demoing our new powder coated integrated aerospoke-spokecard-tapeless bar-top tube pad prototype. of course, it's completely vegan.

thanks (again), you make me laugh long time.

alberto said...

I don't know about you guys but I did a patent search on all of Snob's products and guess what: he's a violator. The Modular Bicycle Stopping Device has already been done, I think, though I can't confirm it until Sheldon Brown sees the plans! You're in trouble Mr. Snob.

half jap said...

Speaking of 'barely there' bar tape, I just walked into a shop here in Seattle that stocked CLEAR bartape. F*&^%in' stuff was like wrapping a Mr. Tuffy around your bars.

mr.sad said...

Senator, I've got some knee-savers for that w-i-d-e stance.

fixeryuppie said...

The modular bicycle stopping device sounds like just another component that'd get stolen and it would probably weight down my lugged steel frame quite a bit. It also undermines the simplicity of fg bicycles.

Jason said...

How about a line of ultralite carbon fiber super-tight skinny dork hipster jeans with anodized stitching and color matching chamois? Jesus, I'd buy those in a second and I don't even own a fixie.

Philip Barrett said...

Wait...Jason's onto something. How about an fg rental service? Maximum posing and none of the hassles of trying to load it back in the Z4 or risking getting dirt on the bleached maple flooring in your condo?

I mean it's not like you were planning to actually ride one anyway?

Leroy said...

The anxiety sensing pedal clips sound good.

But what if you're anxious all of time anyway?

Would they still work?

I'm not asking for me. It's for a friend. Honest. Not me. Really.

Anonymous said...

are those stopping devices NJS approved?

bikesgonewild said...

...bianchi website has CHROME bartape for sale, as featured on the 'ducati' bicycles...seems ta go well w/ these other products...
...just sayin'...

Doug said...

I'm not worthy, you're a frickin' genius!!!That stopping device thingy you described may catch on. I've been wrong before, but I got a gut feeling about that one.

Anonymous said...

How about dehydrated water? It's ultra light. Just add water and your all set!

Niki said...

Jason is a little confused however. A fixed-gear MUST be made of steel. And only Japanese or Italian steel.

Jim said...

The anxiety sensing pedals will never work. Like roadracers are calm and free of anxiety. Hell, we make greyhounds and toy poodles look Solomonic. Can't wait to see what bunch sprints look like with these pedals. Besides, it's already been done before - pedals that unclip based on intangible factors like rider anxiety are known as "Eggbeaters."

The laser guided water bottle is okay, but is there any way to get the aimpoint inside the open window of a Porsche Cayenne instead? When I get cut off in traffic, I'd like to lob a 24 ouncer of Accellerade into the thing (and douse the cabin with impossible-to-remove velo-protein). I think the Air Force worked on something like this, except using 1000 pound bombs instead of water bottles, and hardened concrete bunkers instead of Porsches. But it's the same thing, basically.

The depilatory is a good idea, but I have to ask: how does it taste? I'm not buying it unless it comes in Strawberry Love flavor.

Then there's that silly bicycle stopping device. What next? Tires you don't have to glue onto the rim? Non-leather seats? A device that lets your legs slow (or even stop!) while the wheels keep moving? Preposterous. Never happen.

Niki said...

BSNYC:

I hope you have seen this.

If not CLICK IMMEDIATELY. You will not be disappointed.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Niki,

That is truly awesome.

--BSNYC

(aka "Comic Book Guy")

Niki said...

I found the photo on bikeforums which is currently down.

Unregistered Coward said...

This new learning amazes me, Sir Bike Snob. Explain again how sheep's bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.

Chazu said...

Snob,

You've neglected to use the word "sobriquet" for two full days. The effect on your fans is analogous to a cycling component manufacturer failing to release a major "upgrade" to its product line each year. How can we be expected to soldier on under such circumstances?

Please, don't let it happen again.

Vulture Springville said...

Can you tone it down a little? Any laughter around here is an immediate cause for suspicion.

Scott said...

re: the picture Niki posted

Where are the handlebars? It kind of looks like he's...uh..."sitting" on the steerer? I supposed that's the logical extension of cutting down risers?

Philip Barrett said...

chazu - Snob has stayed away from the word recently because he's about to release an over-sized version.

Phranque said...

I'm in a complimentary mood today, and please don't tell me I used that word wrong.

Todd.. Carbon Fiber water? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I love you.

Chazu.. you are so very clever. Thank you.

Scott said...

With the laser guided watter bottle you've accidentally stumbled onto the real, secret reason mountain bikers wear camelbaks! We may be able to wrangle our bike up and down trails full of rocks, mud, trees, and hobos, but the sad truth is that the majority of us lack the basic hand-eye coordination to screw in a light bulb. Please, BSNYC, save us!

Anonymous said...

Speaking of innovation, for a nominal fee I can reduce the weight of any component you desire.

My methods involve the use of a patented device I like to call the "Drilliumatron." It allows the removal of unecessary material from the bike part, which can drop the weight by as much as 30%. It even works on carbon fiber! Indeed there is a second advantage: The svelt, "drilliumated" components now allow air to pass through unresisted, which results in increased aerodynamic efficiency! Be the envy of al others on your group ride as you drop them on the flats and hills! Be the first to break away from the pack in that wild Cat 4 race as the frenzied crowds chant your name!

-M_S

Anonymous said...

Of course, as usual, the real innovator in the cycling world is the research department of Wal-Mart, which has given us carbon-fiber wrapped aluminum:

http://www.walmart.com/catalog/product.do?product_id=5585799

meh-wee-uhn said...

650B. Or should I say 584mm?

ainsley said...

i didn't think i was that drunk until i read the part about The modular bicycle stopping device... and actually thought you were on to something.

bikesgonewild said...

...-m_s 10:28pm...please have your 'drilliumatron' customers get in touch w/ me after you've worked your magic on their equipment...
...i'm offering the cycling public a series of hand drilled water bottles...
...just like your well conceived products, my bottles are lighter with the added advantage of the cooling effect provided by the holes, when used w/ todd's 'carbon fiber water'...

...this is a wonderful aspect of the bike industry...the symbiosis of creative people willing to meet real needs...

...now i'm heading off for my air guitar lessons...

Greg said...

Saw an exciting innovation in top tube protection this morning in Copenhagen...
http://bp0.blogger.com/_mS_D6OEGCWY/RvUOe8TyvxI/AAAAAAAAAOY/ip4T-nBLjuo/s1600-h/fur.jpg
http://bp2.blogger.com/_mS_D6OEGCWY/RvUOfcTyvyI/AAAAAAAAAOg/8ZYM4YP54qk/s1600-h/fur2.jpg
As far as I know there is no excuse.

filtersweep said...

Sheldon had a lot of innovative designs, ranging from spokeless wheels to hollow ball bearings to bayonet bar ends.

But I like the airbag equipped trucker cap that is certain to appeal to fixie hipsters: http://sheldonbrown.com/airbag-helmet.html

A complete waste of time said...

dehydrated water.....that's just fucking genius....thanks for the laugh.

A complete waste of time said...

dehydrated water.....that's just fucking genius....thanks for the laugh.

Morgan said...

Re: Greg's Copenhagen cow-bike - that's actually a production model:

http://www.sogreni.dk/Mountaingoat.php

Anonymous said...

I'd like to be the first to sign up for the eyewear that filters out tribikes so I never have to look at another fucking Bento box as long as I live.

Zentraedi said...

*sigh*

I look forward to the day where people simply own bikes and it is no longer a 'lifestyle'.

Buy a fucking 'Modular Bicycle Stopping Device' already, you goddamned statistics!

Anonymous said...

Bento boxes are apparently popular with randonneurs too, but surely they are excused? I mean, anyone out on a 600k weekend ride deserves at least to be left alone, right?
-M_S

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