Happy Bicycle Day!

Good morning!  Did you know that today is Bicycle Day?  Well, it is.

Of course, Bicycle Day should not be confused with contrived attempts to encourage people to ride bicycles for transportation such as Bike to Work Day.  See, Bike to Work Day is that one day a year the person in the cubicle next to you rides to the office, arrives drenched in perspiration, and spends the rest of the day in the emergency room due to heart palpitations.  Bicycle Day, on the other hand, commemorates the first time the guy who invented LSD tripped his face off:

"Bicycle Day"

April 19, 1943, Hoffmann performed a self-experiment to determine the true effects of LSD, intentionally ingesting 0.25 milligrams (250 micrograms) of the substance, an amount he predicted to be a threshold dose (an actual threshold dose is 20 micrograms).[7] Less than an hour later, Hofmann experienced sudden and intense changes in perception. He asked his laboratory assistant to escort him home and, as use of motor vehicles was prohibited because of wartime restrictions, they had to make the journey on a bicycle. On the way, Hoffman's condition rapidly deteriorated as he struggled with feelings of anxiety, alternating in his beliefs that the next-door neighbor was a malevolent witch, that he was going insane, and that the LSD had poisoned him. When the house doctor arrived, however, he could detect no physical abnormalities, save for a pair of incredibly dilated pupils. Hofmann was reassured, and soon his terror began to give way to a sense of good fortune and enjoyment, as he later wrote...

"... Little by little I could begin to enjoy the unprecedented colors and plays of shapes that persisted behind my closed eyes. Kaleidoscopic, fantastic images surged in on me, alternating, variegated, opening and then closing themselves in circles and spirals, exploding in colored fountains, rearranging and hybridizing themselves in constant flux ..."

And here is an animated recreation of the incident:



Shame on Dr. Hofmann for not wearing his Tripping Helmet:

(He looks like Ken Kesey's penis.)

Anyway, over the years, Bicycle Day has evolved from yet another excuse for PhD candidates to slack off into a gigantic party for hippies and douchebags:


And apparently they're even observing it over at the Today Show:

Either the person who runs their social media account saw it on a calendar somewhere, had no idea what it meant, and used it as an excuse to post a stupid GIF, or else the whole cast and crew is tripping balls:

The above notwithstanding, Al Roker is a certified Bromptonaut ready and willing to throw down in New York City traffic:

As far as I'm concerned this makes him twice the badass that Lucas Brunelle purports to be.

Meanwhile, further to the recent revelations concerning mötödöping, apparently it's well on its way to becoming sanctioned, albeit unofficially:

Citing a hypothetical scenario, Mariën said: “I’m wondering, if the UCI had wanted me to check bikes like at the Amstel Gold Race on Sunday morning, and let’s say I discovered a bike there that was, let’s call it, imbalanced, and I would like to take it with me. Do I have the power, as a UCI commissaire, to confiscate the bike? I don’t think so. Honestly, I don’t think so.”

Mariën called for a precise protocol for confiscating a bike to be established. “I think there should be a procedure with a form signed by the rider, by the team manager, by the UCI, in which all three agree the bike will go with the UCI for further investigation. I know they [the UCI] are working very hard on it to get a proper legal basis to do that.”

Wow, three (3) sign-offs before they can check a bike that's glowing like an athlete's groin in a Ben Gay commercial--two of which are from the rider and his or her team?  That's not just sweeping this under the rug, that's nailing it under the floorboards like "The Tell-Tale Heart."

Meanwhile, after watching the original report, far more damning than the glowing seat tubes and hubs is the video of Alberto Contador's mechanic at the Giro d'Italia last year, wherein he repeatedly spins the rear wheel:

While fiddling with his watch:

After which he sends the bike in for an inspection in which they check...the bottom bracket shell:

I'll bet you a choice cut of Europe's finest tainted beef that Contador was running one of those futuristic space wheels with the magnets in it and the mechanic had to disable it so the bike didn't ghostride itself right out of the UCI inspection hut.  (One day this will happen and it's going to be fucking awesome.)

Anyway, if nothing else, you have to believe mötödöping is happening because if Greg LeMond and Mario Cipollini agree on something than it has to be true, that's just simple physics.  Plus, Cipollini actually took the time to put on a shirt, which lends his words considerable gravitas:

In fact, it's hard to take anything more seriously than an oily man with a plunging neckline engaging in discourse about hidden motors in bicycles with a woman in a pair of horn-rimmed glasses and a polka-dot neckerchief on a set that looks like it's been painted in Pepto-Bismol:

You can give any reason you want why pro cycling never really took off in America--drug scandals, inscrutable team dynamics, competition from football and baseball--but it's clear the real cause is our complete failure over the years to get the TV coverage right.

Wrong:

Right:

Pretty simple really.

Lastly, here's an important reminder of where you stand as a cyclist in America:


USA baby.

Welcome to the Age of Thermography

There was a time when I was enamored with the beauty of pro cycling.  Then my fascination hardened into cynicism.  Now I'm pleased to report my love for the sport has bloomed anew, only instead of marveling at the actual racing I am reveling in the spectacular beauty of its complete and utter collapse:

Yep, Femke was just the beginning, and now the façade is cracking like a bootleg Specialized:

Thierry Vildary and Marco Bonarrigo reveal that they used an expensive heat detector to spot hidden motors at both the Strade Bianche race in Tuscany and the Coppi e Bartali stage race. The full investigation was broadcast on Sunday evening on French television during the Stade 2 programme, with key details revealed in Sunday’s edition of Corriere della Sera newspaper in Italy.

That's right, Greg LeMond totally called it with the heat detector, that crazy bastard:


The fact that LeMond turned out to be by far the most sane person in pro cycling goes to show just how screwed up it is, and at this point the only way the sport can save itself is if they put him in charge of the UCI...which they never, ever will, so that's pretty much that.

Has it ever occurred to you while on an airplane that at least a few of your fellow passengers are secreting narcotics in a bodily orifice?  Well, it turns out it's pretty much the same thing with the peloton, only instead of a cocaine-filled condom it's a tiny motor:

The two-page article in Corriere della Sera claims that the heat detector – which was disguised to look a video camera, managed to spot seven different motors being used at Strade Bianche and the Coppi e Bartali races. Five were hidden in the seat tube, with two hidden in the rear hub and cassette. The newspaper report and Stade 2 video report did not name any riders involved. However the French report- which lasted more than 20 minutes, recalled the numerous suspicions and accusations of mechanical doping that have emerged in recent years. 

The scandal even has its own Michele Ferrari in Hungarian hidden motor specialist Istvan Varjas, and only a third-tier Euro sport like pro cycling could have a figure as bizarre as a Hungarian hidden motor specialist:

Vildary and Bonarrigo also talked to Hungarian engineer Istvan Varjas, the alleged creator of the hidden motors and suspected supplier to a number of professional riders. Varjas showed an early rudimentary version of a motor and admitted it may have been used as early as 1998. He suggested that it best worked with an extremely high cadence. 

Hmmm.  1998?  High cadence?  Any of that sound familiar?

("The motor goes in the seat tube, Bill.  It's about the size of a cigar.")

In case you're too young to remember (which is unlikely because millennials don't read this lame-ass blog), they key to Armstrong's climbing prowess was supposedly his high-cadence pedaling style, which Freds everywhere attempted to emulate after reading about it in "Bicycling" magazine.

Now it turns out he was probably just stoking the electric drink stirrer in his frame.

But that's turn-of-the-century technology, and the latest system involves Bluetooth mag-lev crabon rims or something:

Varjas also confirmed that the most advanced form of mechanical doping is now hidden in carbon fibre rims, with neodymium magnets able to produce 60 watts of power. The wheels can be activated and modulated via a bluetooth device – even an expensive watch which has bluetooth  – and can only be detected via a powerful magnetic field detector.

Which at €50,000 are only available to the top-tier pros, as well as the vast majority of Cat 4s in New York City and the Silicon Valley:

The wheels reportedly cost 50, 000 Euro but are only made available to a very limited number of athletes.

Anyway, here's what happens when you point a heat detector at a Fred nowadays:



By next year motodoping is going the be the New Normal.  In the meantime however, some people will continue to carry on for awhile that this is somehow "worse" than regular doping, even though a hidden motor gives a rider a little boost now and again whereas regular old doping improves performance even after the rider gets caught, becomes contrite, and signs a contract with Jonathan Vaughters.   Other people will simply continue to deny that it's happening (I certainly dismissed motodoping as absurd until pretty recently), and we'll get to enjoy a whole new crop of entertaining excuses such as:

--"It was my friend's bike who rides with me when I train"
--It's the battery pack for the electronic shifting system
--It's hub friction

And so forth.

(The "hub friction" defense is my personal favorite, since manufacturers have been selling us $2,000+ wheelsets with "precision bearings" for years now, yet we're supposed to believe the pros are riding around on hubs that drag like a dog's ass on the carpet.)

Nevertheless, it's safe to bet amateur Freds will continue to take their inspiration from the professionals, and what's more inspiring than The World's Most Slammed Stem?

Because your stem's not truly slammed until you've removed part of the headset:

Meanwhile, in Cat 6 news, San Francisco's already rather robust smugness factor has grown by nearly 9%:

Daily commutes by bicycle in The City are up by record numbers, according to the newest Annual Bicycle Count Report, released Friday by the San Francisco Municipal Transportation Agency.

The report draws its bike count from three sources: automated bike counters at 15 locations in San Francisco, manual evening bike counts at 80 locations in September last year, and American Community Survey Data.

Out of San Francisco’s total commuters within The City, bikes made up 4.4 percent of trips in 2014. That’s a jump from 2.3 percent in 2006, with an increase of 86,000 new bike commuters.

Unfortunately, during that same time period, San Francisco housing prices have grown by nearly a billion percent, so this probably points less towards some utopian bike-tastic future and more towards rich people paying lots and lots of money to live near work.  It's no different here in New York, where bike commuting in the "city center" is also steadily increasing, though we're still waiting on last year's numbers:

More than three months into 2016, DOT has yet to release last year’s screenline bike count, which shows how cycling in the city center has changed over time.

It’s called the screenline count because it measures the number of cyclists who cross key points around the central business district: the East River bridges, on the Hudson River Greenway at 50th Street, and the Staten Island Ferry Whitehall Terminal.

SPOILER ALERT: you can't afford to live near any of those "key points" anyway.

Hey, I'm glad more people are riding to work, but it's all just the halo effect of gentrification until the police stop running into people and lying about it.

Lastly, Prince was recently spotted riding a deeply uncool bicycle:

Sure, it's good to see him riding, but I'd have expected something more like the motorcycle he rode in "Purple Rain:"

Though if you do an image search for "Purple Rain bike" you do find this:

So maybe it's an appropriate bike after all.

BSNYC Friday Fun Quiz!

Here's something to get you angry this morning:

When the police report arrived, Cunningham was surprised and angered to read what he claims is a false account of the incident intended to shift the blame away from the officers and onto him. The report alleges that the driver of the NYPD vehicle "was making a legal right turn with emergency lights when cyclist struck right side of vehicle." In the security video, no emergency lights are visible when Cunningham was struck.

Another day, another cop driving into the people they're supposed to be protecting and lying about it.  If the NYPD were a restaurant the waiters would ladle scalding hot soup in your crotch and then charge you a corking fee for the privilege.

It's almost as ironic as when we were named "The Top U.S. Cycling City" by a certain magazine.

But lest you begin your weekend in a huff, here's a soothing balm that will melt your anger away, via longtime reader Thomas in Sweden:


That pedal-powered roller skate car fills me with glee.

If we could replace the entire NYPD vehicle fleet with these we might finally get close to something resembling Vision Zero.

And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz.  As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer.  If you're right you'll be accepted into an Ivy League university and become a member of the 1%, and if you're wrong you'll join the permanent underclass and also see something that will make you wince.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and happy rollerskating.


--Wildcat Rock Machine

1) According to a recent article about Canadian triathlete Julie Miller, what is "triathlon's worst possible transgression"?

--Cheating by doping
--Cheating by cutting the course
--Diarrhea during the swim leg
--Those skinsuits

2) What did "Bicycling" have to say about the new Speedvagen OG1?

--"It’s as if the world’s best-tasting ice-cream cone were made from steel."
--"It is a ferrous artisan, expertly carving corners like Henry Moore laying into a hunk of obsidian."
--"The bike transmits the power from your pedal stroke with an almost steampunk efficiency and grace, like you're sending an exquisite letter through one of those pneumatic tube systems."
--"The ride is soothing yet invigorating, as if you just sat in a sitz bath filled with warm club soda."

3) What is mullet-lifting speed?

--37.1km/h
--The speed at which a flaxen Euro-mullet levitates to reveal the nape of the neck
--Part of the melange of sensations that comprises "Undistracted Pleasure"
--All of the above

4) In an open letter regarding his goring at Paris-Roubaix, Fran Ventoso said of disc brakes:

--"They can cut, they can become giant knives"
--"They make us a peloton of Shylocks, for if you slice us with rotors do we not bleed?"
--"The first cut is the deepest, baby, I know/The first cut is the deepest/But when it comes to being lucky, he's cursed/When it comes to lovin' me, he's worse"
--"While we do wear helmets, our jerseys and shorts offer little protection, and it's only a matter of time before someone loses his penis."

5) What is this?

--A removable fairing
--A new bike locking system
--An indestructable racing bike made of foam
--A blankie to prevent boo-boos

6) The "Sladda" is the new bike from:

--PUBLIC
--Budnitz
--Starbucks
--Ikea

7) Which is not a reason USA Cycling president Derek Bouchard-Hall gives for the declining popularity of amateur road racing?

--Competition from Strava
--Competition from gravel grinding
--Competition from Zwift
--Cat 5s demanding cash prizes instead of medals

***Special Recumbent-Themed Bonus Video!***

Honestly, who hasn't bolted at the sight of an oncoming recumbent?

Where Have You Been? I've Been Waiting Forever!

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In other news, in the bloody wake of "Rotorgate," the UCI has decided to PUT A STOP (oh my god that's hilarious) to the disc brake trial program:

The UCI’s efforts to introduce disc brakes to professional road racing took a hit Wednesday when Francisco Ventoso penned an open letter detailing a horrific injury he suffered in Paris-Roubaix, due to a disc brake rotor. After a day of intense scrutiny, the UCI announced Thursday it will halt its trial of discs in the pro road peloton.

“This decision follows a request to do so made by the Association Internationale des Groupes Cyclistes Professionnels (AIGCP) — which represents all professional cycling teams — following the injuries suffered by Movistar Team rider Francisco Ventoso at Sunday’s Paris-Roubaix Classic. This request is supported by the Cyclistes Professionnels Associés (CPA), which represents riders,” the statement reads.

So just in case you're keeping track, no disc brakes anymore because of a single injury that may or may not have been caused by a rotor, but motorcycles will still be allowed to maim and kill riders unimpeded:


That makes sense.

And of course Eddy Merckx doesn't like discs, so there's that:

“They work for [consumers], but in racing I think they’re too dangerous in crashes,” Merckx said. “If you crash, the brake can be hot, and if you take it in a leg, you can slice a tendon. In mountain bikes and cyclocross, it’s OK. But in a peloton, with 200 riders, I think it’s dangerous.”

Wait, he's interested in rider safety all of a sudden?  This is the same Eddy Merckx who told riders to stop whining when their tires were exploding in the extreme heat at the Tour of Oman:

Merckx retorted that had the peloton been racing, the heat would not have been a concern.

“It was only 38 [100°F], that’s not so hot,” he said. “The problem was that the riders came down in a bunch and everyone was braking. If they would’ve been racing, coming down one by one, the problem wouldn’t have occurred.”

Ironically, had they been using disk brakes their rims would never have overheated in the first place, but presumably rider safety is second to promoting a bike race in a country with a dismal human rights record.

As a rim brake user I resent that Eddy Merckx has put me in the position of arguing for disc brakes.

By the way, while we're browsing the ironical department, a friend pointed this out to me:

"Bleeding" indeed.

Still, the bike manufacturers have too much invested in road discs at this point to let them fade like a rim brake on an Omani descent, so expect the UCI to allow them back and to mandate rotor guards by next season:

(Urban Velo)

This would be perhaps the first instance of bike polo technology migrating to the pro peloton, unless you count the recent preponderance of beards:

Meanwhile, here in Canada's Neck Beard, it looks as though we may be bearing witness to the beginning of the end of the reign of the roadie:

Yes, the future of amateur road racing is bleak, partially because the cool people are participating in other disciplines, and the terminal weenies are defecting to gran fondos, Strava, and Zift:

"Our membership peaked in 2012 and our numbers have been down a bit since then. It does appear the fall is slowing, but we're down slightly year on year, driven mostly by road - cyclo-cross is up nicely, track is up, mountain bike is steady, but it's road where we're seeing the biggest drop - and it is our biggest segment. We believe that is because of the growth of alternative formats, gran fondos and recreational rides, Strava and Zwift. There are alternative formats to participate in cycling and they don't permit with us. Our retention is high, we're keeping people, but it's the number new people coming in [that has declined]. Newcomers to cycling are finding other formats to pursue like gran fondos or Strava and such."

And don't forget the allure of "gravel grinding:"

These apps, together with other semi-competitive events like gravel grinders - races that feature multiple sections of unpaved roads - and gran fondos - longer organised races where riders are individually timed - have all grown in popularity while road continues its slide.

In other words, USA Cycling is experiencing massive "Fred Drain," and as a result road racing is becoming the exclusive domain of the Masters racer:

There have also been shifts in the demographics of cycling, and the riders who came into the sport in the early Lance Armstrong era almost 20 years ago are getting older. "Our sport has a lot of masters racers, and we're seeing a bubble move through aging," says Bouchard-Hall. "There is also a general increase of risk aversion in society and that carries over to sports that carry greater risks like cycling."

Which is why road bikes now have front and rear decouplers and will soon come with a free AARP membership:

Hey, Trek can disguise this as a "Classics" bike all they want, but we all know an old guy bike when we see one.

Lastly, have you ever wished your backpack had more electronic features?  Of course you haven't.  Nevertheless, according to a press release I've received, somebody's gone ahead and designed a "smart backpack:"

Navigating the modern urban environment can be difficult. From contending with traffic when commuting, to the constant need to power-up devices on the go, moving around cities can become a perilous pain.

The traditional backpack - which hasn’t evolved in decades - does little to help solve these problems. Most offerings get zero for style points.

Enter PAIX. It’s a smart, Bluetooth-enabled backpack that offers a range of functions designed to make life easier in hectic modern environments.

Oh come on.

I tend to get a little behind on my emails so naturally I assumed this was an April Fools gag, but apparently it's all too real:

PAIX and the City from PAIX on Vimeo.

Tempting, but I think I'll wait for the "smart fannypack."

Sorry I'm late, my hubs have too much seal drag.

In the most shocking instance of cycling technology run amok since Femke "Vroom-Vroom" Van den Driessche was busted for secreting a motor in her cyclocross bike, it has now come to light that Movistar rider Fran Ventoso was gored by a disc brake rotor at last Sunday's Paris-Roubaix:

Fran Ventoso was taken to hospital after a crash at Paris-Roubaix, suffering deep wounds to his leg reportedly caused by landing on a disc brake.

The Spaniard was flown back home on Tuesday after undergoing an operation to apply suture and drain on the wound, according to his Movistar team. They are hoping to regenerate the muscle tissue damage as quickly as possible.

Yikes.

I'm sure you'll all join me in wishing Ventoso a full and speedy recovery, though I can neither confirm nor deny rumors* that medics were able to stop the bleeding my clamping the wound shut with a dual-pivot rim brake caliper:

*(I can start the rumors though.)

Indeed, since the news broke Ventoso has penned an impassioned screed on the dangers of disc brakes in the peloton:

(Via @Paul_Bowen)

The letter begins with a brief survey of the technological advancements Ventoso has witnessed during his bike racing career:

Through all these years, I’ve witnessed many improvements on different parts of the bike and cycling apparel. We started off with steel, then aluminum, and later on, carbon. That last one came here to stay, since it was as rigid as we needed while also offering lightness.

We’ve also stopped using toeclips for clipless pedals, much more comfortable, effective and secure. Days are long gone when we used hairnet helmets: modern ones are now lighter, beautiful to the eye and offer absolute security guarantees when you use them.

I’ve also seen very important improvements on gearing. My first bike had one chainring and three sprockets; nowadays, we use two chainrings, even three, and 11 sprockets… and I’m certain it won’t end there.

Wait a minute.  Toeclips?  Hairnets???  Three-speed freewheels?!?

Was Ventoso born in 1948?

As for the bit about how helmets "offer absolute security guarantees," I'm tempted to disagree, but having seen the state of his helmet after the crash I'll give him a pass:

Looks like Blackie Lawless's codpiece.

Anyway, after recounting the history of the racing bicycle from the pennyfarthing on, Ventoso coins what is sure to become the rallying cry of retrogrouches everywhere:

But then, there’s pro road cycling events. Was there really anyone who thought things like Sunday’s wouldn’t happen? Really nobody thought they were dangerous? Nobody realized they can cut, they can become giant knives?

Did you hear that?

THEY CAN BECOME GIANT KNIVES!

Still, as much as I enjoy deriding disc brakes on road bikes, there's something a little too perfect about all of this.  I mean really, there are only like two teams using disc brakes and already they're making cold cuts out of the rest of the peloton?  Seems a little...convenient to me, which is why I suspect this could be the work of the International Rim Brake Cabal.  Sure, nobody may have seen Grant Petersen by the side of the course and armed with razor-sharp throwing rotors, but that's exactly the point of a ninja suit, isn't it?

Think about it.

Meanwhile, in more exciting technological news, meet The World's Firstest-Ever Smart Aero Road Bike Or Something!

Yes, the SpeedX Leopard is all about the "undistracted pleasure" of ultimate Fredness:

Undistracted Pleasure. This is what SpeedX Leopard is all about. Riding is an activity that touches people’s mind. Riders want to be integrated with the bike, in each own rhythm, in fluency, without distraction. Leopard is ready to give the rider the ultimate road experience.

How does it do this?  Well, it's made out of space-age carbon fiber.  You know, the same stuff they use to go to SPACE!

There's also an "integrated cycling computer" called the "Smart Control," which is similar to regular control, only smarter:

As well as an "automatic taillight:"

And of course "hidden brakes" so you don't gore anybody:

Okay, I know what you're thinking.  You're thinking, "Big deal.  My bike is also made from space plastic and has brakes."  Well, sure, but can you use it to RACE AGAINST YOURSELF?

Here's how it works.  First, you get your SpeedX Leopard up to 37.1km/h:

Which is officially known as Mullet-Lifting Speed:

Then you want to use your hidden brakes to lock up your rear wheel and skid through the turn:

Causing you to crash and resulting in scabs and scrapes on your hairy legs:

(Really, hidden brakes and cables but hairy legs?)

Then, as you stalk the road presenting your Lycra-clad hindquarters like a cheetah in heat, you see something:

It's you!

So you chase yourself down:

Your nostrils flaring as you inhale the heady scent of your own pheromones, embrocation, and chamois cream:

And once you've caught yourself you finally get to experience the ultimate in onanism by making love to your own doppelgänger, which is of course every roadie's greatest fantasy.

"Undistracted Pleasure" indeed.