Put A Helmet On It

This past weekend saw the [?]th annual running of the World's Whitest Awards Ceremony.

No, I'm not talking about the Academy Awards.

I'm talking about the North American Handmade Bicycle Show:

(White men can't jump, but apparently they can do layups.)

Yes, NAHBS is the whitest thing this side of a black metal concert:

(Sad clowns are sad.)

This is not to impugn the art of custom bike building by any means, for what cyclist does not look longingly upon the fruit of the velocipedal artisan's labor?  Furthermore, the fearless innovators who exhibit at NAHBS come up with the sorts of fresh new ideas that ultimately become mainstream...or not:

I imagine you would stand for a long time after riding it too, since it would be a good two weeks before you'd be able to sit down again.  In fact, you'd probably look exactly like this:

That bike is laterally stiff and anally intrusive.

But NAHBS isn't only about white people building sexual torture devices.  It's also about really cool bikes you'd actually want to ride, like this one that one "Best Gravel Bike:"

So what makes this a "gravel bike" as opposed to just a cyclocross bike or a road bike with some extra tire clearance?

The answer of course is keep your mouth shut and pretend it matters, this is the bike industry we're talking about.*

*[Pssst: it's only the tires and the pedals, don't tell anybody.]

Meanwhile, today is February 29th, which means our brethren and sistren down in New South Wales, Australia get an extra day before cycling is as close to illegal as it's possible to be without an outright ban:

One wonders what an overseas visitor will think of Sydney. A Dutch backpacker in Kings Cross will struggle to find a late-night drink and when he or she wakes early – having gone to bed uncomfortably sober the night before – and fancies borrowing a friend’s bicycle to ride to Bondi, find they’re targeted with a $319 fine for not wearing a helmet; a $109 slug for not carrying their passport; and if they should ‘ride dangerously’ they’ll be up for a nasty levy of $425 – a combined total of $853 for a morning swim.

This overseas visitor thinks it's fucking stupid.

Just kidding, there's no way I'd visit Sydney now.

Indeed, in anticipation of the big day the police have already launched "Operation Pedro 5:"

(Via @EvanDunn)

“Last year, 61 pedestrians and seven cyclists died on NSW roads,” Assistant Commissioner Hartley said.

“Cyclists and pedestrians are road users too: All too often police are seeing pedestrians tuned into electronic devices, oblivious to traffic conditions, stepping out onto the road, while cyclists are undertaking risky behaviours putting them at danger of being injured or killed.

Wow.  What about motorists tuned into electronic devices and oblivious to traffic conditions?

Oh, right, police can't see them because they're inside their cars.

As for cyclists and the "risky behaviours putting them at danger of being injured or killed," those behaviors include riding a bicycle, not driving a car, and an egregious failure to be encased inside two tons of glass and steel.

So what do the cyclists of New South Wales get in return for having to carry ID and increased fines for violating the already moronic helmet law?  Well, motorists will have to give them more space, which I'm sure will be diligently enforced:


The video begins by explaining how riding a bicycle is JUST LIKE riding a motorcycle or driving a car:

"Bicycle riders are like drivers and motorcycle riders."

Yeah, no they're not.  How is accelerating effortlessly to 60+mph on a motorized vehicle that weights hundreds or thousands of pounds anything like not ever getting anywhere close to that speed on a vehicle that weighs maybe dozens of pounds at most and has no motor at all?

Femke's bike excluded, of course:

(Vroom, vroom.)

The video even acknowledges this by then being all about how riding a bike is nothing like doing those other things:

"Bicycle riders need plenty of space, because they are more vulnerable than drivers, and are more likely to be injured or killed in the event of a crash"

Wait, they're more vulnerable?

Even when they're wearing helmets?

How can that be???

In any event, the upshot of this is that drivers must now give cyclists a whole meter of space:

But to make this easier for motorists, who are the real victims here, you're allowed to cross painted lines or basically do whatever the fuck you want:

I take this to mean that while you must give at least one meter when you're passing a cyclist, you're well within your rights to mow down another cyclist heading in the opposite direction.

It's robbing Fred to kill Paul, which seems fair to me.

And they all lived happily ever after.

(Menacing cyclist intimidating more vulnerable road user.)

Of course, none of this is to say we've got it much better here in New York City, where this past weekend we had three (3) hit-and-run deaths in one night:

And the police are hard at work looking for the drivers responsible so that they can exonerate them:

Just before 1:30 a.m. the NYPD says they responded to a pedestrian collision in the Bronx. Pedestrian Jose Contreras was struck near the corner of East 175th Street and Webster Avenue, suffering severe bodily trauma. Contreras was rushed to nearby Saint Barnabas Hospital, where he was declared dead. A police investigation determined that the man had been standing near an entrance ramp to the Cross Bronx Expressway and had attempted to cross Webster Avenue when he was struck by a black SUV.

"The man had been standing near an entrance ramp" is the pedestrian equivalent of "the cyclist was not wearing a helmet."  (Notwithstanding the fact that in that part of the Bronx it's pretty much impossible not to stand near an entrance ramp, just as in Midtown it's impossible not to be more than half a block away from a Starbucks.)

It was also disappointing to see Gothamist make repeated use of the word "accident," both in the URL:

As well as here:

I'm sure they didn't mean anything by it as this particular publication has a fair amount of smugness cred, but I'm not sure how you type "the driver fled the scene" and then type "the accident" in the very next paragraph.

(And yes, one of the intentionals (I'm calling anything that involves a driver killing somebody else an "intentional" from now on) involved a cyclist.)

Perhaps the most infuriating aspect of all these intentionals is just how preventable they are.  For example, advocates have long pointed out that deploying license plate scanners could help identify these hit-and-run drivers.  Sadly though there appears to be little interest in using them beyond toll collection.  If "Vision Zero" were more than just a catchy slogan every intersection in the city would be wired to scan license plates and drivers would be fined for infractions just as assiduously as they are tolled for using the bridges.

Then, if you didn't pay your fines they'd tow your piece of piece of shit Altima away, crush it into a cube, and mail it back to you:

By the way, that's just if you don't pay your fine.  If you actually hit anybody they should crush your car with you inside it.

Lastly, apparently Garmin are using "Fred woo-hoo-hoo-hoo" speed as a selling point for their goofy space glasses:

(Via @nimo202)

Once Strava changes its logo to a wanking monkey my work will be complete.

BSNYC Friday Fun Quiz!

Looking for New York's next "hot" neighborhood?  Unwilling to move someplace without some assurance that it will be thoroughly gentrified soon?  Well, as always, the New York Times has you covered--and of course when it comes to neighborhoods the dove with the olive leaf in its beak is a person on a bicycle:

Though I'm not sure I'm convinced, since it's a Specialized road bike and not one of the officially recognized bikes of the gentry, such as a Van Moof or a 20 year-old Cannondale in time capsule condition.

As for what the next "hot" neighborhoods are, I won't spoil it for you, but let's just say that at least one will be completely underwater within the next 10 years and the locals will resent you in pretty much all of them.

So grab your bicycle and move in while you can, before the suburban empty nesters who have been priced out of Manhattan read about them and take them over:

Who knew such unrequited longing resided in the tudors of Westchester?

Finally, before the weekend, spare a thought for the poor cyclists of New South Wales, Australia, where cycling will basically be illegal as of March 1st:

The laws, which take effect March 1, include an AU$425 fine ($307 U.S.) for cyclists who run a red light, and a AU$229 penalty ($165 U.S.) for riding without a helmet — a fine higher than most speeding violations for vehicles. In fact, only one of the new laws targets drivers, with an AU$319 fine for motorists who fail to leave a gap of at least one meter when passing a cyclist.

The essence of cycling is its accessibility, and if you can't just hop on a bike with a bare head and empty pockets every now and again without forking over a week's pay then that's tantamount to banning it altogether.

But of course it's for your safety, so that makes it okay:

Bernard Carlon, executive director of the Australian government’s Centre for Road Safety, told Bloomberg that the new laws are being enacted in response to the 11 cyclists killed and 1,500 injured every year in New South Wales (where Sydney is the capital).

“If one cyclist chooses to now wear a helmet because of the new penalties, we consider that a win for cyclist safety,” he said.

That has to be the stupidest fucking thing I've heard all week--and I watched the Republican debate last night.

And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz.  As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer.  If you're right then good, and if you're wrong you'll see FatBike SnowAttack.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and may you be forever free of the Foam Hat of Tyranny.


--Wildcat Rock Machine

1) During last night's Republican debate, Ted Cruz attacked Donald Trump for having promoted a bike race and called bicycles "socialism on wheels."

--True
--False

2) Where is professional cyclocrossing person Tim Johnson riding?

--Mount Washington
--Alaska
--Antarctica
--His front yard

3) What is a "Brommy?"


--A Brompton enthusiast
--A term of endearment for the chemical compound bromide
--A German naval officer who helped establish the first unified German fleet, the Reichsflotte, during the First Schleswig War which broke out just before the Revolutions of 1848 in the German states (duh)
--All of the above

4) What is this?

--The "Frog" courier bike
--A Canadian remake of "Premium Rush" called "Overbearing Politeness"
--A bakfiets with an auxiliary wheel for aggressive cornering
--"Baby Uber"

5) Creatively speaking, it's been strictly downhill for humanity since about 30,000 BCE.

--True
--False

6) In London, the latest bike theft technique is:

--Disabling "Boris Bike" station locking mechanisms with bathtub caulk
--Slicing through bike racks and taping them back together again so they appear intact
--Phony "pop-up" bike repair stations
--It's a trick question, bike theft does not exist in London because they all ride Bromptons

7) In terms of transportation independence, it's been strictly downhill for humanity since about 1895.

--True
--False

***Special "Fox Does Bikes"-Themed Bonus Video!***

Most people can't name a bike company, really?

Ain't No Mountain Smug Enough

(Lock, Stock and Three Smoldering Expressions)

Further to yesterday's post about my new Smugness Flotilla, a commenter had this to say:

Snob talks the talk, and also rides the ride. A fully equipped WorkCycle tops out at a svelte 49 kilograms, so that's a 5-Hr Peloton workout just schlepping the kids to school.

You're gosh-darned right!  And let's not forget I live in the New York City highlands, where there are forbidding climbs at every turn.  Just look at the insane ride profile from my home to my elder human child's learning institution:

Yep, that's ONE HUNDRED AND TWELVE AMERICAN FEET of climbing, which doesn't even include the return trip:

As a parent, I am obligated to pretend the brakes don't work on that downhill.

Of course, the truth of the matter is the kid takes the bus to school most of the time and I only have to pick him up like twice a week.  Still, that's OVER FIVE MILES AND THREE HUNDRED AMERICAN FEET OF CLIMBING A WEEK on a bike that weighs as much as a refrigerator--and, on the return trip, as much as a refrigerator with a kid sitting on top of it.

I get tired just typing about it.

And if I decide to ride the WorkCycles to the Metro North station instead of taking the subway?  Forget about it!

That 236-foot Cima Coppi you're looking at represents the highest topographical point in the Bronx and the second-highest point in all of New York City, so you better believe I'm putting in some serious smugness workouts.  That's why I absolutely destroy the competition when I head down to Brooklyn once a week and Cat 6 my way across the Manhattan Bridge on a Citi Bike:

(Drafting for as long as I can stand before I make my move.)

See, when you ride a WorkCycles a Citi Bike feels like a climbing bike, and by living in the Bronx and racing in Brooklyn I'm basically training at altitude.  After all, you know what they say: train high, race low.  Or is it race high and train low?  Or train high and watch TV even higher while eating Mallomars?

I don't even know anymore, I think this rarefied mountain air is getting to me.

Speaking of rarefied mountain air, the other day I mentioned that Mr. Money Mustache guy, and since then I've been trying to learn more about him.  While I can certainly relate to his critical views on consumerism and gratuitous driving, he basically seems like an affiliate advertiser who smokes a lot of weed--not that there's anything wrong with that, but it doesn't seem like a particularly lofty moral perch, either.  Plus, I also checked out his Twitter, where I saw this:

Rent my friend's highly Mustachian walkable place in Boulder (read her descrip). Ideal for Google/Microsoft people! https://t.co/ZSV29jiXAq

— Mr. Money Mustache (@mrmoneymustache) February 2, 2016

$2,800 a month?  For this?

(Nice staging.)

I thought this guy was all about living lean and frugally and free from bullshit.  That's expensive even by New York City standards--and at least here you get a shitload of public transit and a bottomless supply of free culture, whereas Boulder's chief amenities appear to be easy access to outdoor recreation and a population that's nearly 90% white.

Seems to me the typical New Yorker is out-mustaching Mr. Mustache by a good margin without even really thinking about it, but what do I know?*

*[No offense to any Boulderites or Boulderinos or Boulderdashes or whatever you call yourselves, I loved visiting Boulder, you'd be crazy not to--I mean Vecchio's is there for chrissakes, what's not to like?]

Anyway, going back to the subject of climbing, professional bicycle racing person Tim Johnson recently became the first human being in the world to ascend Mount Washington by fat bike or something:

That's one fat bike for man, one giant leap for Fredkind.

It also sounds abjectly horrible:

Factoring in 49 mph wind gusts driving wind chill temperatures as low as -19°F and this climb becomes an even more challenging feat. “I feel like I was fighting being too hot in the beginning because the first pitch out of the parking lot is one of the steepest pitches of the entire climb. You go from standing still to immediately realizing that this is one of the hardest climbs in North America,” said Johnson.

I know how he feels.  Did I mention that sometimes when I climb OVER A HUNDRED FEET to pick my kid up at school it's a little bit cold out?  Because it is.

But by far the greatest challenge Tim Johnson faced was urinating in the extreme conditions:

What filled the non-moving moments?
Adjusting a camera once, took one urination break and I crashed a couple times! I was having a real hard time getting traction, on the front or the rear. When you don’t have a lot of weight on the studs, we found they don’t grip very well on this type of ice.

I read that to say that he crashed a couple of times while urinating--which is also something I've experienced.

Wow, he and I are alike more than I realized.

Oh, here's a handy infographic comparing Tim Johnson's assault on Mount Washington in the dead of winter with the internationally recognized Fred metric of a single lap around Central Park:

SPOILER ALERT: climbing Mount Washington is harder.

Meanwhile, not to be outdone, one (1) man will attempt a triple (triple) ascent of Mont Ventoux on a Brompton in order to fight Parkinson's disease:

(Via @billhd)

In 2014, Matt Richardson rode a Raleigh Chopper to the top of Mont Ventoux, while Rob Holden completed the climb on a Boris Bike the year before. There have certainly been a number of people achieving the feat on a Brompton too. We’re not entirely sure whether anyone has done it three times in a day though – although John Simpson’s account of tackling La Marmotte on a Brompton (link is external) makes reference to his becoming a member of The Confrérie des Cinglés du Mont-Ventoux, which seems to imply that it has.

Hmmm.  Isn't the Confrérie des Cinglés that illuminati hunting society Justice Scalia hung out with?

Probably not, because I don't see Scalia getting too far on the slopes of Mont Ventoux:

To become a member of said club you must climb and descend Ventoux via the three main roads up from Bédoin, Malaucène, and Sault – all in one day. According to our own Jo Burt, who is himself a member of said club, this demands 136km of cycling and 4,443 metres of cumulative height gain.

I've forwarded the Confrérie des Cinglés the details on my school pick-up ride and I look forward to receiving my membership card.

And for all the folding bike nerds wondering #whatpressureyourunning, here are the details on his setup:

“I’m a passionate “Brommy” and cycle my Brompton bicycle to work every day. So when a personal connection put me in contact with Brompton and suggested I partner with them for Ventoux³ I was delighted. Brompton are now very kindly donating an incredible cyan blue 6-speed Brompton, specially modified for hill-climbing – I hope that includes mountains!

Yes, some people who ride Bromptons call themselves "Brommies," but other acceptable nouns include:

Bromptoneer
Bromptonist
Bromptonaut
Bromptard
Bromulist
Bromptocrat
Bromptonarian
Bromptonian
Bromptologist

You can also call them "circus clowns," but that will out you as a layperson.

Lastly, meet the Amphibian Bike Series, which is the next frontier in smugness:



Basically it's a bakfiets that turns into a stroller, which is not a bad idea just so long as being a parent has sufficiently stripped you of any remaining sense of dignity or style, which if you're doing it right it almost certainly has:

In particular, I found myself marveling at how clean the streets of whatever European city they're riding in are:

Until I realized it wasn't a European city at all:

And that it appears to be some kind of indoor stadium or mall or both in Ontario, Canada:

I'm not sure you should be allowed to film a bakfiets commercial inside a mall, even if you are Canadian.

Anyway, the way the bike works is you're walking along:

Then you transform the stroller into a bakfiets:

And you burn rubber all the way to the food court:

Oh, there's also a version for messengers, and here's what a Canadian messenger looks like:

"The frog is the courier version in the Amphibian family.  It jumps quickly from building to building."

Yes it does.  Check out Mr. McFeely making a speedy delivery:

Look how happy everybody is!

I'm surprised she's smiling, because most office workers prefer their packages delivered in filthy messenger bags covered with obscene patches and carried by people who openly despise their bourgeois lifestyle yet depend on them for a living.

It'll never catch on.

Cargo Bikes: The Long and the Short(er) of It

Towards the end of last year I said goodbye to my Surly Big Dummy:

The Big Dummy was my first experience with a real schlepping bike and I quickly grew to love it.  I even remember the first thing I ever carried on it, which was this cheap-ass folding chair:

Which I brought to Prospect Park and then sat on while looking at the bike:

Ah, life sure was simple then.

But I would soon learn that the Big Dummy had far greater potential, for around the time it arrived in my life so too did my first human child, and thus began my first forays into child-schlepping:

When you first take delivery of a human baby the parameters of your life quickly shrink, like that trash compactor room in "Star Wars."  New, off-the-shelf human babies are weak and flimsy.  They need to be either carried or tightly contained.  They can't go like nine seconds without sustenance.  Leaving the house with one might as well be an assault on Everest owing to all the crap you've got to take with you in order to keep them alive.  Babies shouldn't even be called babies for the first few months of life, they should be called patients.

Soon, however, the walls of your life stop closing in.  The baby gets bigger and stronger.  Their stomachs can contain a few hours' worth of nourishment.  They can support their big giant goofy heads.  And if you're a cyclist, one of your most significant moments of parental liberation will be when they're finally ready to travel by bike with you.  That's when the walls fall down entirely and the horizon stretches out tantalizingly before you.

Yes, while the other suckers are muscling their strollers up onto curbs and strapping their offspring into SUVs, you're whipping around town with a blissed-out baby burbling behind you.

So how do you know when a baby's bikeable?  Well, there's a whole section on riding with kids in my book I have coming out, but in the meantime here's some free advice:

The first time you get pissed off at your baby, that baby's ready for the bike.

See, you don't get angry at patient-baby.  They're too passive.  And if they're too passive to piss you off, they're probably too passive to be solid passengers.  You don't want a floppy thing back there that can't hold their own bottle.  But once your baby's leaving scuzzy banana handprints on the TV and chasing the cat with a saucepan, that kid's ready for some high-speed two-wheeled hijinx.  So as soon as you find yourself muttering "fuckin' baby" to yourself it's time to attach some kind of kiddie seat.

Anyway, the Big Dummy opened up a whole new world of cycling to me.  It also helped me open up the world of cycling to my human child, since it was easy to bring his bike along to the park or playground:

So why did I get rid of it?  (The Big Dummy I mean, I'm totally hanging on to my human child.)

Well, the main advantage of the Big Dummy is that it rides like a regular "sporty" bike.  In other words, when it's not loaded down you can zip around town and jam up hills while out of the saddle and all the rest of it.  You just have to remember your rear wheel is like a foot or two behind where it normally would be, because if you forget you might take a corner too tightly and clip the curb.  Plus, since it works on the Xtracycle platform, there are like a zillion accessories for it.  (And of course you could always skip the Big Dummy and just do an Xtracycle conversion on an old 26-inch mountain bike, which you should be able to get real cheap because everybody knows you're not allowed to use 26-inch mountain bikes for actual mountain bikes anymore.)

As for the disadvantages of the Big Dummy, while few, there are two main ones for my particular circumstances.  The first is that the length can complicate parking and storage.  The second is that those exposed cables and derailleurs mean it's not all that happy living outside.  I mean, sure, I kept it outside anyway, but every week or two I'd lose use of another gear.

So as an apartment-dwelling middle-aged urbanite with like a zillion other bikes, I realized having a stout schlepping bike that could live outside year-round (or better fit in the bike room when a blizzard is imminent) was more important than having one I could ride quickly.  I wanted a bike that would sit patiently outside and be ready for the grocery run or the school pick-up.  I wanted all the working parts buried under fenders and chainguards so I didn't have to roll up my pants.  I wanted lights I didn't have to remove or charge.  I wanted a bike that would break the back of any thief who attempted to lift it.  I wanted to be someone I would have ridiculed just a few short years ago.

Clearly it was time suck it up, accept the smugness, and go Full Dutch with the WorkCycles:

It's been great so far, and with the seat in the back I can carry both my human children, no problem.

Sure, it handles like a Citi Bike compared to the Big Dummy, but the convenience factor is through the roof.  (Plus, as a dedicated Cat 6 I love the way Citi Bikes handle, so there.)

By the way, astute readers may notice I'm using the Hiplok I "reviewed" recently:

(I pronounce Hiplok with a guttural K, like "hiplach.")

While the fact is I have no use for a lock that you wear around your waist, it is good for quickly wrapping around the seatpost of the WorkCycles.  (Plus, the cool-two-years-ago camo matches my pedals.)

In fact, between a WorkCycles for neighborhood errands and a Brompton for trips into "town" (all while wearing a Brooks Criterion jacket) I now represent the very apotheosis of urban smugacity:

What have I become?*

*That's a rhetorical question, I've become an aging fop.

Speaking of taking bikes on trains, here's an ad I saw at a train station recently:

As far as I can tell, the only difference between Peloton and Zwift is that people who use the latter still bother buying actual bicycles and getting dressed up in cycling clothes for some reason, though with any luck they'll drop that affectation and Fredness will be permanently relegated to the indoors where it belongs.

Meanwhile, Strava art has been making headlines recently:

Yeah, no it won't.  I think there's far more dignity in designer spin classes than there is in riding around Canada drawing invisible pictures of Darth Vader:

Or Lisa Bonet circa "High Fidelity:"

“What excites me most about GPS doodling is that it takes the intimidation out of creative expression. If you can move, you can doodle," Lund said in his TEDxVictoria talk. "In fact, when I coined the term GPS doodles, I did so because ‘GPS art’ felt a little too lofty and exclusive. Everybody doodles. And anyone can GPS doodle.” 

That's funny, because what excites me most about GPS doodling is nothing.

Lastly, it's well-known that Portlanders have long been vexed by streetcar tracks, as this video I saw on All Hail the Black Market shows:

Streetcar Track Science from 21st Avenue Bicycles on Vimeo.

As it also shows, fat tires go a long way towards mitigating their effects.

Nevertheless, Portland's cyclists seem to have a surprisingly critical attitude towards public transportation, as the comments on this recent BikePortland article show:

Saying that “not everybody can cycle,” Commissioner Amanda Fritz Tuesday urged the city to switch the order of its “green transportation hierarchy” to prioritize public transit above biking.

“Everybody can use the bus,” Fritz, who a city staffer mentioned was supported by written testimony from advocacy group Elders in Action, said at a council work session on the city’s new comprehensive plan. “And our transit system is not good.”

I'm sure this Fritz character has her problems, and she sounds as though she likes cars too much, but I don't think this is an unreasonable position.  Public transit is hugely important.  As efficient as bicycles are, they're still vehicles, and any truly enlightened city should be navigable without having to own one.  It would be interesting to know how many Portland cyclists actually have family who live in the city, because I suspect if they did they'd realize it's unreasonable to expect their elderly parents to put on the latest from Showers Pass and ride 10 miles for a visit when it's 40 degrees and raining.  (Not to mention going to the doctor.)

Or maybe they do have family in the area and the reason they don't like public transportation is precisely so they can't come over for a visit.

In that case, at least they're being consistent.