Bikes Vs. Cars: The Musical!

Yesterday's post elicited the following comment:

Anonymous said...

Snobby,

I'm sure you're well aware your country is in terminal decline and the current shutdown will one day soon be permanent.

All your bridges will be trashed for scrap metal, tunnels will be flooded and boats will be commandeered by the rich to escape to Canada.

When that day comes, the only way to cross your waterways will be on that bicycle/pontoon thing.

Laugh at Water Fred now if you must, but it'll be Water Fred who's laughing all the way to the other side of the river when the shoe is on the other foot.

OCTOBER 2, 2013 AT 5:28 PM

You better believe I'm aware.  That's why I moved to the mainland.  Once the infrastructure crumbles completely (I give it six months) I'm fairly sure I could ride to Canada from here without any water crossings.

But yeah, bummer about the government shutdown, especially the National Parks.  I visited one yesterday and it's really depressing.  With their paychecks frozen the animals just sit around smoking cigars and playing cards:

Pretty mangy-looking critters.  Maybe instead of futzing around all day they should sign up for some Obamacare.

Speaking of the collapse of civilization and of Canada (who really has the most at stake from this government shutdown, since when our country finally implodes we're going to be pouring over your border like water over our failing levees), I was perusing the Kickstarter and came upon this frontrunner for a Smuggie Award:



It's called "BIKES vs. CARS," and even though it wasn't the apocalyptic action movie I was hoping for I did enjoy the Robs Fords porn.  Also, check out this Canadian doing the whole James Bondian deadly-apparatus-slowly-making-its-way-toward-crotch thing:

(When saying "please" and "thank you" fails, Canadians take passivity to the next level.)

Someone really should make a "bikes vs. cars" action movie though, and they need to cast one or both of the Robs Fords as a suppervillain named Tim Horton.

("Suppervillian" was an honest-to-Satan typo but after I made it I realized it was totally appropriate.)

But while many cities in North America take cutesy half-measures like painting lines on the street to pretend they're bicycle-friendly, Calcutta is just saying "screw it" and banning the fucking things:

As you can imagine, their reasoning is quite sound:

"There is just not enough space for all kind of vehicles," says Dilip Kumar Adak, deputy commissioner of the city's traffic police department.

"Cycles slow down traffic and removing them will make the streets safer and traffic speedier.

We're actually doing something similar here in New York City, whereby we're making the city more "livable" by failing to prosecute drivers who maim and kill and eliminating all the affordable real estate for the survivors.

Anyway, elsewhere on Kickstarter I saw this lock, which featured an intriguing sales pitch all the way from Tel Aviv:



First we see some bike thieves:

Obviously with their cocky demeanor, moussed hair, tank tops, gold chains, and cigarettes they're completely indistinguishable from typical everyday Israelis, so the obvious tipoff that they're bike thieves is that one of them is wearing a Band-Aid on his face:

It's amazing how the simple Band-Aid suddenly appears menacing when it's placed above the neck.

Next, they spot their quarry, who is a metaphor for the state of Israel itself:

Which, though small in size, does not hesitate to defend itself when set upon:

First, he takes his lock and whacks one of the thieves in the face:

That guy's going to need a Band-Aid.

Then, the thief attempts to stab the kid with a Henckels kitchen knife:

(Where the hell was that guy hiding the knife block?!?)

I was kind of hoping that after deflecting the blow with the lock the kid would fight foodie with foodie and crush his assailant's finger with a Williams-Sonoma garlic press, but instead he just strangles him:

(Pretty sure that kid's being played by Sacha Baron Cohen.)

All this from the mind of Mickey Shenkerman--who, if nothing else, has a great name for a guy who makes locks:

In fact, I think they screwed up big by calling this thing the "Foldylock," which is way too dainty, when they could have just called it the "Schenkerman," which is actually onomatopoetic and sounds like a lock closing:

("Hey, after we're done humiliating ourselves let's Schenkerman our bikes and get some Voodoo Doughnuts.")

Also, ironically, I'd say the ostensibly humorous Foldylock video makes an even more brazen and controversial geopolitical statement than the "BIKES vs. CARS" documentary.

Speaking of foodie street brawls, here's a Kickstarter for a bicycle touring cookbook:


For the beginner and expert alike, here are some of the things I share:

--A detailed list of cooking equipment and basic tools to bring along.

--Why you need a spice bag in your pantry, and how to make one.

--An explanation of staple ingredients to have on hand, how to use them, and how to fit them into a small space.

--Tips on how to "wing it" in the camp kitchen so you're not reliant on recipes.

--How to manage without counter space, refrigeration, or an oven.

Yeah, recipes, schmecipies.  Looks like a nice book, but can you please share how you find two years to fuck around in Europe cycling and cooking?  I mean come on!  Riding all day and cooking all day?  For people with actual jobs those are pretty much the first two activities to go.  Though I suppose the answer is obvious:

Launch a Kickstarter.

It's not even that they're young, either.  I was young once too, but I had to spend most of the day taking shit from people.  Meanwhile, she's riding around making fucking calzones:

Guess I was just Shenkermaned by the system.

Lastly, there's no more accurate barometer for a city's change than how its residents are using bikes and Craigslist in an attempt to hump each other.  Not too long ago it was all tattoos and fixies, and now it's cocktail dresses and Citi Bikes:

black dress, dropped bag, citibike - m4w (2nd ave bike path)

i was already admiring your cocktail party outfit in contrast to the citibike you were riding (thinking that not only did you have beautiful arms but that the thigh-highs were a totally excellent feature of my morning commute) when you dropped your bag in front of me. i scooped it up, along with the key that popped out of it, exchanged smiles with you and rode off laughing at the irate woman who was yelling at us for being in the crosswalk. kind of a nice little moment, so thanks for that. do you always dress that way while biking?

And the self-fellating cycle of life and self-absorption continues...

Enter The Wednesday

Let's talk about bike because bike blog bikes!

Last whatever ago my wife (I know, can you believe it?) became the owner of a WorkCycles city-type utilitarian non-gravel-specific two-wheeled bicycling apparatus.

She is crazy about this bike and says it's the greatest one she's ever owned, which is impressive because her last bike was that gold Colnago they gave to the Pope:

Pro tip: If you call up the Vatican and make up a story about how you caught one of their people touching your kid they'll give you all kinds of shit to keep quiet about it.

Speaking of kids, the human child that I own likes the bike just as much as his mother does--so much in fact that he wants to be on this instead of my Big Dummy now, which means I end up riding the WorkCycles too.  You might think I experience a bit of insecurity riding a "girl's bike," but the one good thing about America is that when you're on a bicycle people think you're a "homo" no matter what you're riding.  So there are no degrees of shame.

If I had any brains I'd sell some excess bikes now that I'm "retired" from amateur bike racing and get myself a WorkCycles too, but the process of selling bicycles is almost as irritating as selling real estate (I thought I'd never sell my place in Brooklyn until Martin Amis came along and bought it for $2.5 million), and anyway you never know when you're going to suddenly need that singlespeed cyclocross bike.  (Hint: you're never going to need it, singlespeed cyclocross bikes are pretty much the definition of superfluous.)

By the way, you may notice a child's helment on the WorkCycles.  Obviously it spoils the "smooth Dutch lines" of the bike, but 1) Kids the law blahblahblah; and 2) When you put a helmented kid under your arm while riding they make great battering rams.

Seriously, it's tough to "door" any more cyclists when a preschooler has removed yours with his head.

Oh yeah, and "safety."  Because, you know, our biggest safety threat in this city is people on bikes not wearing enough foam on their heads.

Speaking of upright bicycles and trips where speed is not the primary consideration, I'm sort of over Citi Bikes--not over them like I'm against them, just over them in that every time I try to actually use one now I can't.  Consider last night, for example.  After not having used the system for a few weeks I found myself in Brooklyn yesterday evening and in need of a bike.  So I headed to the nearest station and found this:

Two bikes, both displaying the Red Light Of You're Shit Out Of Luck:

So I boarded the heel-toe express and headed to the next station, where there was only one bike with both the Red Light Of You're Shit Out Of Luck and The Reversed Seat Of Shame:

So I said "Fuck it, I'm taking the subway," and that's what I did.

I'm still very much in favor of Citi Bike, and clearly most of my problems using it stem from the fact that it's so popular.  At the same time, I'm increasingly disinclined to actually bother trying to use it myself.  Instead, I'm considering simply consigning it to the department of stuff Other People Are Willing To Waste Their Time Doing, like forming lines for iPhones, Shake Shack burgers, and "cronuts:"

(Schmucks.)

I don't know exactly when or why New York City suddenly became so willing to embrace "line culture," but I want no part of it.  (Not that there are lines for Citi Bike--actually it's pretty much the opposite of a line in that the stations are either too full or too empty without a person in sight--but I'm confident you get my point.)

Still, people who are not me are clearly getting their use out of Citi Bike, so by all means keep it going and expanding, because every time a douchebag loses a free parking space God ejaculates in his pants.

Meanwhile, in the world of going fast on bikes while bent over the handlebars, you're not going to believe this, but some guy who gets paid to go fast on a bike while bent over his handlebars is in trouble for maybe doping.  However, at least one person is sure he's clean:

Why?  Here's why:

Then Jon told a story that explained a great deal about him to me.

He said, "Before I started sixth form, I did a Duathlon without any training at all…It was a 5km run 20km bike then a 5km run. I just threw on an old pair of spikes for the run, and smashed the first 5k then hit the bike ride pretty hard.”

“I was leading off the bike, but when I got off the bike my feet felt a bit odd and I couldn't get the running spikes back on. So I took my socks off, and a bunch of my toenails fell out of the sock, and I realised my feet weren't doing so well.”

“So instead of putting the spikes back on I just ran barefoot to the finish. Trouble was by then my legs cramped up so much I could barely move and I had to walk to the finish. I think I ended up last."

To which I asked, "Why didn't you just quit?"

"Well, I didn't want to pull out… It’s a bit shit not finishing."

I don't know if Jon Tiernan-Locke is dirty, clean, or somewhere in between, and I don't care either, because I now consign worrying about what pro bike riders are doing to the waiting-on-line-for-cronuts department.  However, I'd like to know how running until your fucking toenails fall out is a sign that you're not willing to dope.  Seems to me that sticking a needle in your scranus is nothing in comparison to tearing your feet apart.  In fact, the writer says it himself:

Jon had ‘it’. He had that unbalanced mentality that you find in those rare people who can push themselves beyond anything the rest of us could imagine:he had the mentality of a real athlete.

Sounds like someone else we know:

Again, I'm not accusing this Tiernan-Locke guy of anything, but calling someone "unbalanced" and saying they are willing "push themselves beyond anything the rest of us could imagine" is not exactly the best way to defend him.

In other news of the heroic and/or stupid (is there a difference, really?) cycling exploits, I've been informed via Twitter that the guy who rode across San Francisco Bay is now going to ride across the Hudson River:

@bikesnobnyc would love to have you come out for ride on Thursday...... pic.twitter.com/dDwTHjACk3
— Judah Schiller (@judahschiller) October 2, 2013

Okay, yeah, I'm not going to be there, and here's why:

1) I already said I'm too impatient to deal with lines and empty Citi Bike stations.  Do you really think I'm going to go watch a guy spending the morning riding across the surface of the Hudson River on pontoons when there's already a perfectly good bridge?  That's like watching someone tunnel his way across the East River with a MetroCard instead of taking the fucking F train.

2) In the time it takes Water Fred to cross the Hudson, 350 New York City Freds will already have crossed the Hudson to New Jersey, done five River Road hill repeats apiece, and crossed back into Manhattan again.  If I want to experience utter cycling futility I can just go watch that.

3) I'm supposed to hang around and wait for some guy on a glorified paddle boat in the same place where a scissor-wielding lunatic was just running around stabbing people?

Sure, they may have gotten him, but I still don't feel safe.  Do you really think I'm anywhere near as brave as the guy in the picture?  Yesterday on the subway a woman yelled at another woman for bumping into her and I hid underneath the seats.  In fact, the Water Fred should be pretty worried, too.  Just imagine what a scissor-wielding lunatic could do to a pair of pontoons!

Lastly, if you're a landlubber who needs the latest smug frame material, a reader informs me that it's now plywood:

Ruphus is hitting the scene with both alternative materials bikes and accessories.  They started out with a few bamboo prototypes, but went in a direction that ended up in failure.  That’s ok though, because they learned from their efforts and have moved on to working with plywood.  In fact, it’s Canadian Maple, and it’s the same stuff you find in skateboard decks.  The bike shown has a two speed coaster brake setup, and the design was inspired by cafe racer motorcycles.  This tank just happens to hold booze rather than gas.  Admittedly , Ruphus knows they have some work to do still with the layup, as the bike is still a bit to flexy for mass consumption.  However, they are hard at work perfecting the model and hope to release a version for sale soon.

Sounds like a real winner.

Or you could just ride a normal bike and wait until you get home to sit at a kiddie table.

Ahoy There, Water Fred!

Owing to the government shutdown, I am not able to use the letter "Q" today, so I hope you will bear with me.

If it's any consolation, just think of it as democracy in action.

***UPDATE***

I just got word that I can use the letter "Q," but I just won't get paid for it.

Crisis averted.

Speaking of municipal matters, there's a movement afoot to put a bike path on the Verrazzanno Vezrazano that bridge between Brooklyn and Staten Island that costs like $175:

Which I only mention for one reason:

Have you ever rode your bicycle around the neighborhood and wished that someone had designed a route that would let you ride around the city, the boroughs and parts of New Jersey in a single, all-encompassing loop? Well, crazy exercise person, your dreams are one step closer to reality as the Harbor Ring Committee has published the Harbor Ring map, and the only piece of the puzzle still missing in a bike lane connecting Brooklyn and Staten Island.

I don't care much about the grammers, but "have you ever rode?"  That's like saying, "Have you ever did mescaline?"  (I hasn't.)  Look, I'm sure the Bensonhurst Bean is under tremendous pressure to keep traditional Brooklynese alive in the face of rampant gentrification, but I expect more from a newspaper named after a legume.

As for the actual question, which is whether I've ever wished to "ride around the city, the boroughs and parts of New Jersey in a single, all-encompassing loop," I'll admit a bicycle slog through a densely populated and heavily industrialized metropolitan area is certainly an item on my bucket list, right above flossing a cat's teeth and right below camping out in JFK airport for two weeks.

Still, I'm certainly in favor of the bike lane, though I'd imagine many Staten Islanders will oppose it, if only because gentrifiers are extremely fond of places that are both vulnerable to hurricanes and inconvenient to the rest of the city unless you're traveling by bicycle (Red Hook, Fort Tilden, and so forth), so if they can ride their Linuses over the span of the "Big V" it's only a matter of time before Richmond County falls to them like a hand-carved artisanal domino.

Speaking of crossing large bodies of water by bicycle, a reader informs me that a man has ridden his bicycle across the San Francisco Bay:

See that?  They don't need to put a bike lane on the Verrazano at all!

Schiller, a designer by trade, found a few small manufacturers that made floating kits that would allow any bicycle to snap in.  He said the inflatable attachments he used Friday, which can be carried in a small bag, came from Italy and cost about $1,000.

Yeah, sounds like something a designer would do.  Also, when asked why he didn't simply use a small boat and place his bicycle inside, he simply responded with a blank stare, and then softly farted.

On the Oakland side of the bay, it took Schiller less than 10 minutes to transform his road bike into a water bike.  He wore a T-shirt, board shorts and a flotation device, but no helmet.

They guy riding his bicycle on water wasn't wearing a helment?!?  Hopefully next time the Chronicle reports on a cyclist getting hit by a car they'll go out of their way to mention whether or not he was wearing a flotation device.  In fact, if they're going to go interjecting random details, I think whenever they mention anybody in an article, no matter what they're doing, the reporter should specify whether or not they are secreting a live gerbil in their anal cavity:

Speaking of safety matters and anal play, it looks like New Yorkers will finally get more protection from deadly drivers:

Just kidding, we're all fucked in the "gerbil hutch":

"There's a lot of case law that has developed around the issue of whether or not vehicle accidents can be subject to criminal action," NYPD Legal Affairs Assistant Commissioner Susan Petito explained. "The DA is a critical part in this. They will be able to tell us whether or not the case is prosecutable under a lot of case law that is developed separate of the penal law."

Vallone asked Petito if she could sum up that case law.

"I'm not an expert, but I know that there is a lot of case law about how many traffic violations have to be associated with an action before vehicular manslaughter is charged," Petito said. "I apologize, I don't know this area of law at all."

Wow.  So the NYPD Legal Affairs Assistant Commissioner doesn't "know this area of law at all?"  Was this actually a joint hearing, or was it a reenactment of that "Seinfeld" episode where George is trying to get fired from the Yankees?

We are so deeply fucked.

But at least she apologized.

By the way, on the way home from the hearing NYPD Legal Affairs Assistant Commissioner Susan Petito mistook the gas for the brake and ran over fifteen pregnant women as they left a prenatal yoga class in Park Slope.

No criminality suspected, of course--though in this case, given her demonstrable lack of mental acuity, I'm inclined to believe she's actually capable of the mistake.

Lastly, in Brooklyn Heights, commenter and dog enthusiast Leroy spotted this bold Citi Bike "dockblock:"

Adjustable stems and suspension forks should really be mutually exclusive, and if your bike has both you should be asking yourself some serious questions, such as: "Who am I?"; "Why am I so uncomfortable?"; and "Where is the nearest recumbent store?"

Just don't get a recumbent that's too recumbent, or else you might not be able to see over your own paunch:

(On a low-profile recumbent, unobscured over-the-gut sight lines are essential.)

The same goes for women of ample chestitude:

(Optimal recumbent setup; nipples not in field of vision.)

This is important information that can save your life, and I'm giving it to you for free, so you're welcome.

"Monday Monday, Da-Da-Da-Daaahh..."

Last week, I said this:

Or maybe an ostrich with its head up someone's ass would be the perfect marriage of the two, but I don't have the time or the graphic imaging skills, or the means and animal husbanding abilities to set up the actual shot.

Which prompted "BKJimmy" to make this:

(Yes, those are The Panties.)

As far as I'm concerned that's all I should really need to post today (or arguably this whole week), but for some reason I'm going to continue anyway.

So, to continue anyway:

Further to last Friday's post, I was surprised to learn that after somebody gets killed by a car it's technically possible for the police to actually figure out what happened:

(Via Twitter)

Unfortunately, it costs $13,000 a pop, which is way more than a human life is worth here in Canada's hemorhhoid:

Marco Gehlen, a Hague police traffic investigator, said real-life accident reenactments are required for every bike fatality or serious injury. In the case of high-speed crashes, the effort is outsourced to a company in Germany, which videotapes the test crashes with slow-motion cameras. The service costs the Hague police more than $13,000 for each case.

Yeah, there's no way a human is worth almost as much as a Toyota Yaris.  Here's the current exchange rate we're enjoying:

(One Human Life = 1.5 iPhones)

Admittedly, until recently a human life was worth a couple more iPhones, but, you know, then the new one came out.  And it's gold.

Also, in certain parts of America where they believe strongly in "Jesus," people do refuse to measure human life in iPhones, but only just as long as the human is unborn.  Postnatally, the value of the human drops precipitously, sort of like the moment you drive that new Hyundai off the lot.

By the way, it's worth noting that iPhones have only existed for about six years and are already equipped with all sorts of technology to aid law enforcement.  Meanwhile, cars have been around for well over a hundred years and they still don't have shit to record the actions of all the assholes who use them to kill.

Then again, this is America.  We don't go in for socialist nonsense like spending taxpayer money to find out why our taxpayers are dying.  It's way cheaper to simply tell cyclists they should wear a helment and then to fine them for stuff like failing to put both feet on the ground and reciting the alphabet backwards and forwards before rolling again at that stop sign.  In fact, it's even profitable thanks to the fines--which are ridiculously high because we fine the cyclists just as much as the drivers, even though a typical city bike weighs about the same as a driver's Slurpee.

I mean seriously, listen to these idiots:

The criminal prosecution in the case also came quickly, and under rules of evidence very different from those common to American courts. The truck driver was charged within days and a year later received the maximum sentence of 240 hours of community service and a provisional sentence of two months in prison. His driver’s license was revoked for 18 months.

It wasn’t a particularly harsh sentence, and community members said it didn’t need to be. But, they say, it was important for a person to be held responsible under the law. And under Dutch law there was no doubt who that person would be.

Charged and sentenced, just for killing a kid on a bike?  No wonder they lost their empire:

In your face, you stupid Dutchbags!

(Well, I suppose the people who renamed it "New York" lost their empire too, but at least they've still got Canada.)

And here's some more Hollandaise crazy talk:

“It’s a deadly weapon, the car. So it’s good to protect those who are most vulnerable,” he said.

It’s an attitude reflected by police officers like Constable Tommy Hamelink, head of the Hague police bicycle unit, who admitted he is half-hearted about ticketing bike riders for gliding through red lights or drunk cycling.

Instead, he said, police focus on the issues they believe most help people avoid accidents: Putting lights on bicycles and encouraging cyclists not to ride in the blind spot of large trucks or buses.

You're not going to get a job on the NYPD with that attitude, pal.  That kind of enforcement may work in Europe's Nether regions, but here in America where 6.3 pedestrians are killed by bicyclists every year we need to crack down hard.

Still, you'd think maybe American police forces might be tempted by the opportunity to conduct awesome crash reenactments with dummies:

Sure, a helment may not have saved that cyclist's life, but at least it would have neatly contained his head after it was severed by the windshield.  Speaking of the windshield, I was amused to note that the wipers start going as soon as the body hits.  Must be one of those moisture-sensing models.

What will those Euros think of next?

Closer to home, not too long ago riders were being jumped for their bikes here on the Hudson River Greenway, and here's yet another chilling reminder to be very careful there no matter what you're doing:

Here's how the NYPD described the incident, which occurred just after 9 a.m., as an attempted rape: The NYPD received 911 calls about a woman who was attacked on the bike path near the Henry Hudson Parkway in the park. When police arrived, they found the victim, who said she had been pushing her stroller when a man called out to her from behind. The man approached her with a broken bottle and then struggled with her.

They fell to the ground—the stroller was knocked down, too—and the woman defended herself with a bicycle pump by beating him on the right side of his head causing a laceration. The suspect fled.

It's also yet another reason why CO2 inflators suck.

By the way, via the same source and in the same (general) area, here's just another day on the Henry Hudson Parkway.

If there's anything more American than a blood feud between an outlaw motorcycle gang and a person driving a Range Rover then I'd like to see it.

Actually, I don't think I would.

Anyway, sometimes I look at the state of New York City cycling and just think to myself, "Why bother?"  Consider this, for example:



I don't know what's more depressing: paying for someone to give you a tour of overdeveloped gentrification hell, or the fact that people are afraid to approach bicycles without first donning Grey Helments of Shame:

Interestingly, this tour promises to deliver an "authentic North Brooklyn bike experience," and it's worth noting that until relatively recently that would have involved having to fight off an attacker on the Williamsburg Bridge with your bicycle pump.

But you can rest assured that your friends and family back home don't need to worry about you now (vehicular assault aside, of course):

"Hi, Mom?  Yeah, I'm totally in Williamsburg.  No, actually it just looks like Cleveland with more assholes."

And you'll even get to see the "impressive street art in Bushwick:"

"So yeah, you see this?  Someone with an MFA invented a name for himself and spraypainted it on a warehouse in pretty colors."

Yeah, okay.  You wanna see some art, you rubes?  Here you go:

"Sistine Chapel" my sranus.

Best of all though is that you'll get to ride en masse on the sidewalk!

After which you'll enjoy the quintessentially New York experience of being on the receiving end of a criminal summons.

Maybe while you're in jail you'll get to meet the next Banksy.

You know what else isn't worth saving?  Pro cycling:

Yes, the sport that has been all about cheating ever since the invention of the safety bicycle is now suddenly and completely throbbing with integrity:

The Englishman promised to herald in a new era underscored by transparency, cooperation, and the pledge of rebuilding the sullied image of a sport racked by decades of doping scandals.

Hilarious!

And do they seriously use a lucite box for the balloting?

Doesn't seem very laterally stiff or vertically compliant.  Seems like crabon would be more appropriate.

Anyway, if Cookson guy is really worth anything he'll clean up the sport by eliminating every single discipline besides artistic cycling.  I mean, I'm sure there's a way to dope for artistic cycling, and I'm sure at least some of them do, but does anybody really care?  After all, it is "artistic," and drugs are the glue that holds the lucite box that is the art world together.  Does anybody get mad that William S. Burroughs was a junkie?  So yeah, sorry, but if you want to keep riding your bike for money you're going to have to get with the program and learn how to do this:


Because those wheelies ain't gonna cut it anymore, fancypants:

BSNYC Friday No Quiz, Just Depression Because I'm Bummed Out And So Should You Be!

Another day, another child killed by an Escalade:

But, you know, it's the victim's fault because she wasn't holding mommy's hand:

The girl was not holding her mother’s hand as they crossed the street near 5th Avenue and 55th St. in Sunset Park around 3:15 p.m., sources said. The little girl drifted into traffic and was crushed by a white Cadillac Escalade, sources said.

So, take a deep breath and say it with me now:

No criminality suspected!

Now, I may be suspicious by nature, but when I see a little girl dying in the street I actually do suspect criminality.  I know, call me crazy, right?  So I looked more closely at the picture:

First of all, the windows on that car are more tinted than Lindsay Lohan's sunglasses, which is illegal in New York City.  Fine, not a smoking gun, but it's a start.  Next, I looked up the license plate number, which is also legible in the photo.  The system only gives you information on parking tickets and red light camera violations, but I found that this particular vehicle had received three tickets for not having a valid inspection:

The most recent of which was issued this past Saturday:

I considered the possibility that maybe I'd looked up the wrong plate, but the system is pretty clear on the fact that these tickets were issued to a white Cadillac.

Okay.  Even though we're talking about a dead child for fuck's sake, let's give the owner the benefit of the doubt.  Let's say after last Saturday's ticket he went and got his car inspected, and so he was operating his car fully legally when he ran over the child.  (You know, apart from the windows.)

No.  Fuck that.  I'm pretty confident that tub of shit Escalade should not have been on the road.  And I don't want to let the driver off the hook here, but I also suspect that if they'd towed the shit tub after that third ticket it would now be sitting in the impound at the Brooklyn Navy Yard and not on top of a dead child.  If someone can't be bothered to get their potentially deadly $60,000 car inspected in two weeks then they shouldn't be allowed to have it.  At the very least, you'd think that a dead child would be more than enough to arouse suspicion of criminality, and that maybe someone would, you know, look into it.  I found this stuff in about 19 seconds while sitting around in my underpants drinking coffee.  What else was he doing wrong?  Are we not even going to investigate the possibility?

I'd love to see a mayor with the balls and/or vulva to admit that if you cracked down on all the assholes with expired inspections, no insurance, suspended licenses, out of state registration to save money when they actually live in New York, and so forth, you'd take a shitload of dangerous drivers off the road.  Three tickets for no inspection?  Tow that shit!  "Oh, boo hoo, it's hard having a car in New York City."  No shit, asshole.  It should be hard, and if you can't hack it then don't drive.  You're asking a lot of the city and its residents to accommodate your car.  You should be creeping around town at 20mph with your valid paperwork on hand at all times, petrified at the idea of making contact with anything.

Sadly, instead, all you need to do is strap on your stupid bumper protector, mash your foot to the floor, and let everyone else clean up after you.  It's actually surprisingly easy to own an operate a car in New York City, even if you do it by the book.  You can park your car for free here, which is insane.  Even if you get a parking ticket a month you're getting the deal of the millennium.  Market rate for real estate in Brooklyn is something like $750 per square foot, so you do the math for what a parking space is worth.  (No, seriously, please do the math, because I can't.)

Also, look at this car:

I have a car.  I've pretty much always had one in New York City.  It's registered and insured--to me, at my current address.  Ironically, the reason I've always had a car is that I'm a cyclist, and I wanted to be able to get myself to races.  (Bike racing makes you do really dumb stuff, like shave your legs, spend stupid amounts of money on crabon, and own a car in New York City.)  Also, like many bike dorks, I like operating vehicles with wheels, and I actually enjoy driving.  (You know, open road driving, not city driving.)  Therefore, I like to be engaged in the act of driving while I'm doing it.  My car has a manual transmission.  It has four doors and a hatch, but it's small (miniscule by American standards), and it's pretty low to the ground.  If I go over a bump I feel it.  The engine is small (miniscule by American standards), but with a manual you can work the motor hard when you need to, and anyway, any car that can carry three cars on the roof at highway speed and still have a little left over is more than enough power in my Haggadah.

On my recent vacation to Mt. Tampon, I rented a car, because you can't really get around there without one.  The car was what is called a "compact crossover."  Yeah, "compact" my balls.  (Actually, please don't compact my balls.)  I was sitting higher than I would have been on the roof of my own car, which made anything happening in the immediate vicinity of the vehicle ambiguous at best.  The windows had a slight tint to them which made me feel like I was driving stoned or wearing sunglasses at dusk.  Besides that, the stupid shape of the windows made visibility poor, and I really couldn't see out of the rear window at all.  Hence, the car came equipped with a backup camera system.  Holy shit, is that weird and annoying!  Forget being detached from the driving experience--it's like wiping your ass with a series of levers and pulleys.  (Or an "aubesian"--which, come to think of it, would make a great model name for a "compact crossover.")

Seems to me you should need to get a special license for any vehicle that requires using a fucking camera to operate.

Anyway, I fucking hated this car.  I especially hated it the couple of times I had to drive it into the city when I had to drive this stupid loaf with its poor visibility through intersections and crosswalks.  It was like walking around in a fat suit.  And then I look at that white tub of shit, which could easily drive over my rented "compact crossover," and all I can think is no fucking way.  Giant trucks driven recreationally without inspections in the second-most populated county in America?  (That's Brooklyn.)

Yeah, no shit people are getting killed.

In any case, sure, I guess I'm part of the problem with my car and my free parking and all the rest of it (uh, my car's OK, but any car bigger than mine is BAD!), but you have to wonder when, how, or if people are ever going to refuse to accept that it's okay to kill people here with a car.  Even I didn't think about it that much before starting this blog.  Hey, a story like this may ruin your day, but at least it didn't ruin your life.  (Yet.)

On a lighter note [SMILEY FACE!!!] Robin Williams went on the "Daily Show" and talked about riding bikes:


Not sure about the helment crap or the little "push-them-off-their-bikes" gesture Jon Stewart made, but this is about as enlightened as bike-related conversations get in mainstream America.

It's not the height of your bottom bracket, it's what you do with it that counts.

Remember on yesterday when I mentioned the United Nations and the kveching?

No?

Remember now?

Well, a reader I'll call Steven Arthur (though his real name is Stephen Arthur) writes in with a story that will tug on your heartstrings, testicle sack, or labia, depending on how you're equipped and where you're most sensitive:

Attempted NYPD confiscation of my bicycle averted by building doormen!

As if I did not have enough bad news to deal with today...

when I walked out of my office after work, my blue Bianchi of over 14.5 years, was missing, and two of my locks were cut laying on the ground.

I froze!

But I figured, that the NYPD cut my bike locks because Vice President Joe Biden was next door speaking, though when I parked my bike just before 9AM that morning, there was no indication of any police or fencing on the street that day.

Fortunately for me, the doormen of the building I had been parking in front of for the last 2.5 years, intercepted the attempted NYPD confiscation of my bicycle, and had it waiting for me in their building, along with a picture they took of the incident.

Here's a video of the police removing the bike, which I assume was taken by the heroic doorman:

I see about a thousand places you could hide something dangerous around there (the planter with the tree in it, hell-ooo!!!) so I'm not sure why they're fixated on the bike.  And what, they can't just have a dog sniff it?  They have to go at it with the saws?  Actually, maybe I've got it all wrong, and perhaps Vice President Joe Biden has a disorder that causes him to ejaculate repeatedly whenever he sees a bicycle so they need to sweep the area free from bikes before he arrives.  You can't have a world leader addressing other world leaders with a rapidly-growing wet spot in his pants, so if that's what all this is about I guess I don't have a problem with it.

And here are the severed locks:

So anyway, the doorman, who recognized the bicycle as belonging to someone he saw every day, convinced the NYPD and the Secret Service to leave it with him instead so he could hold it in trust for the owner.  Steven Arthur (real name: Stephen Arthur) also sent me a video interview with the doorman, but I'm not posting that, because if I were the doorman I wouldn't want my likeness plastered all over the Internet, especially because the NYPD and the Secret Service might come after me looking for revenge and I'd have to go all Jason Bourne.

In any case, the moral of the story is: 1) Joe Biden has an ejaculatory disorder that is triggered by bicycles; and B) Doormen are awesome people and the cornerstones of our neighborhoods, which is why I tip the one I don't have one million imaginary dollars every Christmas.

PS: I hope Steven Arthur (real name: Stephen Arthur) gifts the doorman a nice bottle of wine or a fruit basket or an all-expenses-paid trip to Cleveland (going rate: $75) or something, because he went way out of his way on that one, and if I had seen the police cutting a bike off a pole you can be damn sure I wouldn't have done shit.

In other bikey news, Lucy Burningham (wife of noted framebuilder Tony Pereira) has published a story in "Bicycling" about the bike tour they took with their not-quite-two-year-old son:

Never in a million years did I imagine we’d be subjecting our innocent toddler to imminent dehydration thanks to that promise. It was official: Our adventure was too adventurous. And in that moment, in my mind, it was all Tony’s fault. I tried to stop focusing on the peeling paint on the top tube, which suddenly seemed like a metaphor for our marriage.

Yikes!  This is why the most ambitious family bike tour I've ever taken was loading up the Big Dummy homeless-style and riding like eight miles to the beach:

I realize people don't want to let their kids slow them down, but I have no problem waiting it out until they're ready and willing to pedal the goddamn bike themselves.  (And preferably fix it, too.  If the kid flats then that's his fucking problem.  Amirite?  High five! [Sound of slapping hands.])

By the way, just to be clear, this is not a criticism of Ms. Burningham.  It's merely an acknowledgment that I'm a lazy wussbag.  I wouldn't even do a 500-mile bike tour through the Cascade Mountains by myself.  My criteria for any ride is that I'd better be back in my own home by sundown eating food and drinking alcoholic "recovery" beverages while watching Netflix or I'm not bothering.

No campfires, canned foods, and crotch rot for this wussbag.  [Points to self with thumbs.]  Amirite?  High five!  [Sound of slapping hands.]

Oh, my life's so empty and meaningless.

Oops, did I type that out loud?

Whatever.

I'll tell you what the cure is for ennui, though: Buying Stuff!  How many bikes do you own?  One?  Three?  A millionty-seven?  Well, no matter what the number, it ain't enough unless you have a Dedicated Gravel Bike (DGB)!  Even Wired is up on the trend now (as a reader informs me):

Oh and in case you haven't heard, gravel bikes have become A Big Thing. Everyone is scrambling to introduce a bike that is not a road bike yet not a ‘cross bike and definitely not a skinny-tired mountain bike, but an honest to goodness all-day adventure bike. If you’re struggling to understand just what a "gravel bike" is, the key criteria appear to be a bottom bracket lower than that of a cross bike but higher than a road bike, with a wheelbase a little longer than both. Gravel bikes also have quick handling and plenty of provisions for racks and fenders. I want to give a special shout out to two I liked in particular, the Giant Revolt, the HED Black & Tan, and the Raleigh Tamland.

Okay, I'm still struggling.  My understanding of the "high bottom bracket on a cross bike" thing was that it was left over from when people needed clearance for toe clips, and that most of the cool new race-specific cyclocross bikes had lower bottom brackets now anyway.  And now they have dick breaks too.  Like the gravel bikes.  Also, fenders on a gravel bike doesn't sound like a good idea, and it seems like a bike with racks and fenders and a long wheelbase already exists as a touring bike.  So many permutations!  I'm so confused!!!  I thought the "fixie revolution" was going to end all this, and that embracing the fixed-gear drivetrain and its concomitant "zen simplicity" was a rejection of the ever-increasing number of cogs and fancy gew-gaws.  But now the revolution is over, the same people are buying gravel bikes, and there's more (and more expensive) kinds of bikes than ever.

Incidentally, speaking of dick breaks, do you want to see a dick-compatible rim?  Here you go:

(Deep-section gravel-specific Joe Biden "collabo" dick break rim.)

My favorite, though, is how now everybody's like, "Wait, what?  Gravel bikes are cool?  I invented riding on gravel!  Buy my stuff for it now!":

However; it may surprise you to learn that Steve Hed is a big fan of gravel road riding. “I grew up riding these roads and my uncle was a county maintainer.” The company founder told me. His roots go way back to riding in rural areas and also in touring. “I really am a touring cyclist. That’s where I started. I was attracted to the Iron Man thing initially because I looked at it as an adventure.”, Steve explains, “Later on it became all about racing, and then the aero thing…” Of course, the rest is a well known story.

I'll skip the boutique gravel wheels but I'm looking forward to the upcoming biopic, "Steve Hed: From Mankini to Gravel Weenie."  I've also got eleven (11) words for you which I believe perfectly encapsulate the current cycling zeitgeist:

"Five thousand mile epic gravel-grinding adventure with toddler in tow!"

Throw in a KuKu Penthouse and you're all set.

Also, here's a related question: When do you set your kid up for a Strava account?  I mean, seriously.  Do you wait until he or she is old enough to ride himself, or do their segment times count if they're still sitting in the trailer?

Fuck it, I'm leasing a Hyundai.