Cycling in NYC: Know Your Enemy

For those of you who are new to cycling in the city, or who may be planning a trip to town with bicycle in tow, following is a guide to the local vehicular fauna that inhabits our streets. Recognizing their appearance, habits, and means of attack is essential to your survival. Here are seven of the most dangerous vehicles you’re likely to encounter:

Yellow Cabs

New York City yellow cabs are the sharks of the automobile world. While they’ve become the archetypal example of bad driving, aggressive behavior, and general internal-combustion mayhem, the fact is they’re pretty low on the danger scale and are pretty easy to deal with. Recently, as one drifted slowly into the bike lane and nearly crushed me against a row of parked cars, I knocked urgently on its sheet metal in the same way you’d punch an approaching shark in the nose to drive it away. The driver not only refrained from squelching me, but also offered up a bewildered expression that could have been interpreted as an apology in some countries. If that’s not politeness and consideration I don’t know what is.

Town Cars/Car Services

These things, on the other hand, are death on wheels. Generally speaking, the older and more customized the Town Car the more dangerous it is. A shiny new Town Car in Manhattan is generally operated by an upscale car service and will for the most part operate with a degree of civility, as the driver is not about to delay the financier or celebrity in the back seat by having to stop to pry a cyclist from under the car. However, as the cars age, they are sold to progressively lower-end car services, and they bring their increasingly predatory behavior to habitats well outside of the city. They acquire more layers of paint, more dents, and shinier wheels. The suspension is also usually jacked up too, to ease the removal of unfortunate cyclists from underneath the chassis. Eventually they become gypsy cabs, whose drivers are responsible for more hitting-and-running than the Yankees and Mets combined. If in doubt, check the car’s antenna length. The longer the antenna the more dangerous the car. Some of these things have antennas so long they resemble trolley polls on electric buses. This is because they receive their marching orders from the center of the earth, and are dispatched by Satan himself.

Access-A-Ride Buses

According to the MTA, “Access-A-Ride (AAR) provides transportation for people with disabilities who are unable to use public bus or subway service for some or all of their trips. It offers shared ride, door-to-door paratransit service.” What they fail to mention is that for some reason these things rarely have passengers on them and they drive like bats fly. Their preferred mode of attack is going through intersections at high speed ten seconds after the light has changed, switching lanes schizophrenically, and making high-speed right turns on red. If you don’t know what these things look like, they’re boxy white buses similar to airport shuttles, and they usually have a crushed wheelchair under the front bumper that’s throwing out a shower of sparks.

City Buses

Like Access-A-Ride buses, these too will run lights. They are also emboldened by their formidable size and will quite willingly play chicken with cyclists. One favorite tactic is to speed up in order to pass you, and then to quickly pull over at the next bus stop in an attempt to make you either stop short or hop the curb. Don’t make the mistake of thinking a municipal service like a bus would ever yield the right-of-way to a fellow citizen when it’s appropriate to do so, or would take the huge disparity between your level of vulnerability and theirs into account. It won’t. It will, however, kill you.

Fresh Direct Trucks

Thanks to the proliferation of people in places like Brownstone Brooklyn who are too important to do their own shopping, the urban landscape is now completely cluttered with Fresh Direct delivery vehicles. Fresh Direct customers cite their busy careers and child-rearing responsibilities as reasons for having their groceries delivered to their homes, despite the fact that people have somehow managed to juggle these tasks successfully for centuries now. The truth is that they are of a certain breed that considers olives and fresh shrimp a staple, who won’t let their children watch TV despite owning four giant plasmas, and who are secretly thrilled at the prospect of having three or more service people in their house at a given time. (For them, making the cable guy work around the contractor while their personal organizer accepts a FedEx package is ecstasy.) Unfortunately, they make the rest of us work around their service people as well, since these trucks stop wherever and whenever they want, and halt traffic for blocks. And should you attempt to speed by one, you are liable to become one with a hand-truck laden with free-range chicken, tapenade, and organic vegetables.

Old American-Made Minivans

If you happen to be cycling in New York and you see an old domestic minivan, immediately dismount and seek the nearest sidewalk. (Though once off the street you’re still not completely safe from them.) Fortunately, you can usually hear these things first, since they emit a shrill chirping sound caused by their squeaky belts. They are usually carrying three generations of a large family simultaneously, and for some reason these families almost universally designate the driving duties to the shortest, angriest, and most confused family member among them. These things straddle lanes like Hollywood starlets straddle producers, and for reasons I have yet to deduce, they want you dead. Forest green ones with bubbling tinted windows are the most dangerous, followed closely by maroon. And if the driver is on a cell phone, just get it over with and kill yourself.

Food Delivery Bikes

It’s sad that one of the most dangerous vehicles out there in New York happens to be a bicycle. But it’s true—these things operate with an impunity that would make an Access-A-Ride driver blush. Take a seasoned messenger’s risk-taking and disregard for traffic laws but subtract his artful ability to do both well; that is a New York City food delivery person. Now, I don’t mean to begrudge anybody making a living by bike, and I certainly respect someone who makes a living in a manner as difficult as this. But he fact is, some of these guys are incredibly dangerous and will come at you in ways you’d never expect: from between parked cars; flying off curbs; head-on between two lanes of traffic; and leaping from rooftops and swinging from power lines like Paul Reubens did in “Pee Wee’s Big Adventure” during the climactic Warner Brothers studio rampage scene. They also eschew baskets and tend to carry their cargo in plastic bags hanging from their handlebars, which makes their already wobbly department store bikes handle even more unpredictably. Lately, too, they seem to be fed up with not getting the kind of respect and admiration that messengers get, since they’ve actually been trying to race me with increasing frequency in what I can only assume is an attempt to assert themselves as cyclists. The other day I passed a guy with a pizza who was going to be damned if he wasn’t going to beat me to the light. (I tried to let him go but he slowed right down with me like it was a matched sprint.)

Make It Stop! Cycling In A World Gone Mad

Let’s face it, we live in frightening times. Toys are covered in Chinese death paint. (Word to the wise: don’t lick your bike.) Children, distraught over the end of the Harry Potter series, are killing each-other for iPhones. Jam bands are roaming the countryside, wantonly performing without hindrance. And honey bees are disappearing, yet every 2.4 minutes American Apparel opens another retail store.

As a cyclist, I do my best to ignore these ugly truths. However, the noxious paint fumes of reality seem to have permeated my little bubble—even cycling seems to have gone all “Thunderdome” these days. It seems everywhere I turn I see something that makes me think the future of cycling will resemble Cormac McCarthy’s “The Road,” but without all the sidesplitting humor. Here are just a few recent harbingers:

This Video On Makezine

The crack-addled MacGyvers at makezine.com put together this video on how to build a single-speed bike. (Or a “hipster bike,” as they so pithily call them.) Non-cycling publications and websites should keep their hands out of our pockets, and the fact that they’re not is disturbing. Factually speaking, this thing has more holes than a tandem hub. If it were a drag performer, it would call itself “Miss Information.” If I want a smug attitude and bad advice, I’ll just go to a bike shop, thanks very much. These guys are almost as bad as the Fixed Gear Death Woman.

Rampant Top Tube Pad Theft

This morning, I stumbled upon this Craigslist posting:

Stolen black/grey top tube pad in williamsburg
Reply to: [deleted]

Date: 2007-08-21, 12:22AM EDT

To the perosn who stole my black (outside) and grey (inside) UTW top tube pad on Bedford and North 7 on Sunday. Can you please return it to me. I'm sure it probably doesn't even fit your bike as I had it custom made for a thick 13mm top tube. I just got it and it cost me a bit of money. No questions asked. Just drop it off at KCDC skateshop on North 11 between berry and wythe for a Sel (me). I don't work there.

It'd be great if you returned it instead of throwing it out cuz it doesn't fit.

Please help me restore my faith in humanity.

Thanks. s.

Now, I’ve made no secret of my disdain for top tube pads. But the only thing worse than buying a top tube pad (a custom made one, no less) is stealing a top tube pad. That’s like walking down the street, seeing a dachschund in a sweater tied up outside, and stealing the sweater. I don’t want to bring children into a world where roving hordes of idiots are stealing top tube pads, seatpost cozies, Barbie valve caps, or any of the other crap people are putting on their bikes. If you’re one of these people and are reading this, give this poor guy his custom top tube pad back. (And if you’re the top tube pad guy, if you want to protect your frame when you’re locking it up just buy some foam pipe insulation instead.)

Eric Clapton Not Using Bar Tape

I was reading the excellent Dave Moulton blog recently when I came upon this post, which I read with interest. I then followed the link to Eric Clapton’s own blog, where I was shocked to find that his track bike doesn’t have bar tape. This is disturbing. Could he be planning to flop-and-chop those bars next? Is a custom Cream top tube pad on order? Is his inch-pitch drivetrain the next hot fixed-gear trend? Rest assured, I’ll be checking up on Eric’s blog. If I see a pair of Ourys on those bar tops, “Slowhand” Clapton’s going to become “No hand” Clapton.

Pop Culture Ooze Bubbling Up From Our Subconscious And Into Our Bicycles

Our skies are filled with greenhouse gases, our food (while admittedly delicious) is full of hormones, and our brains are full of crap. And like oil bubbling up from beneath the ground of a placid meadow, this crap in our brains is beginning to infuse our bicycles. Take this one, built by a guy who’s seen “The Nightmare Before Christmas” one too many times:

Brother Turning Against Brother

Here’s another Craigslist post that filled me with dismay for the future:

from a native NY’er to all the hipsters... (Midtown West)
Reply to: see below

Date: 2007-08-20, 5:59PM EDT

whats so cool about the fixies? please someone explain the need for everyone to ride the same bike! there are reasons for riding these types of bikes and i dont believe that most of you that ride them know what those are...they are not that cool but might get a you a ticket into williamsburg


thanks


I wish I could tell this guy to go back to where he came from, but apparently that’s here. Take it from me, being born in New York is not in and of itself an accomplishment. I know because I did it and I didn’t have a hand in it, trust me. Look, obviously most of us can relate to this guy’s frustration, but this post is the equivalent of standing in front of a brick wall and scratching the seat of your pants with a puzzled expression. Actually, this guy’s probably the Top Tube Pad Thief.

At the same time, when reading this we’re also forced to confront the fact that bicycles are now making people angry. (And yes, I know I help fuel that fire.) Hopefully one day the John Lennon of cycling will arrive on the scene and reunite us all with corny ballads and ersatz spirituality. I'm imagining a Freegan who drives a pedicab for a living and is really into composting, and after work rides a recumbent with SPD sandals which he uses to haul his garbage home from his friends' houses.

Let us all pray for that.

The BSNYC Used Bicycle Buyer's Guide

Admittedly I’ve been quite critical of the Craigslist bikes for sale section here. And yes, if Craigslist were a stream it would be filled with PCBs, syringes, and used car tires, and there would be a Native American on a horse next to it crying his eyes out. Nonetheless, if you know how to fish safely from this stream you can occasionally catch a good deal—especially if you’re shopping for a bike but you can’t afford something new from a shop. If this is you, here is a handy guide which should help you hook a real trophy fish:

Materials

Bicycles can be made from any number of materials, but the most common are steel, aluminum, titanium, and carbon fiber. If you’re looking for your first real bike you should know a little bit about each of them before hitting the classifieds. Here are the pros and cons of each material:

Steel

Pros: Cyclists and builders have long sung the praises of steel, citing its strength, reparability, and magical ride quality akin to being carried across a land of mattresses while on ecstasy by a phalanx of fairies wearing running shoes. Common sayings include, “Steel is Real,” “If it’s ferrous, others will be jerrous,” and “Aluminum sucks, but chromium and vanadium will get you laidium.”

Cons: Rusts, goes soft, is noodly and heavy, can give you tetanus, and eventually will turn on you and try to kill you in your sleep.

Aluminum

Pros: Lightweight, inexpensive, stiff, and strong. Larger-diameter tube size allows larger manufacturer logos and more places to display clever stickers celebrating your political beliefs, sense of humor, and favorite equipment companies.

Cons: Rides harsh. Will fail catastrophically and without warning. Seven out of ten aluminum-bike owners do not live to regret their choice of material, let alone long enough to own another bicycle.

Titanium

Pros: Incredibly strong and lightweight. Riding ti is like being carried across a land of down duvets while on opium by herd of Jell-o horses all riding lugged steel bikes with Clement tubulars.

Cons: The vast majority of titanium bikes are built of tubing purchased from breakaway republics that were once part of the former Soviet Union. These republics subsidize themselves by dismantling their nuclear weapons facilities and selling the space-aged materials of which they are comprised to the West. The result is that most titanium bikes emit unacceptable levels of radiation. Owners of titanium bikes are transforming their DNA on every ride and are unwittingly spawning an army of mutants even as you read this. In an already uncertain time, this is, quite frankly, horrifying.

Carbon Fiber

Pros: Incredibly strong and lightweight. Used in space. Space! Riding carbon fiber is like a Caribbean vacation without hurricanes, getting sand in your bathing suit, or having to look at or interact with the locals. And for chrissakes, they use this stuff in space. I cannot stress that enough.

Cons: Carbon fiber delaminates in the sun, fails catastrophically, contracts and cracks in sub-zero temperatures, is water soluble and emits a sulfur-like odor if ridden in the rain, and because of the infinite shapes into which it can be molded allows bicycle manufacturers to build and market the ugliest bicycles the world has ever seen.

Bike Fit

Once you’ve decided on a material, the next consideration is making sure the bicycle fits you. While bike shops employ a knowledgeable staff trained to convince you to buy a bicycle in a size they’ve got in stock, in the used marketplace the burden is on you to make sure a bicycle is the correct size. Here is a quick test you should perform before agreeing to purchase any bike:

First, straddle the top tube of the bicycle. If you feel a blinding pain in your genitals that was not there beforehand, or that is different from the genital pain you normally experience, then your frame is too large. In some cases, you may be able to compensate for excessive frame size by adjusting saddle height, switching to a smaller wheelset, or by employing platform cycling shoes compatible with your preferred pedal system.

If you are able to straddle the bicycle without pain, next stand straight up, grab the top tube with both hands, and lift the bicycle as hard and as fast as you can. Stop as soon as you experience severe and blinding genital pain. Then, lower the bicycle again until the wheels contact the ground. If you cannot lower the bicycle so that the wheels contact the ground without having to bend over, then the frame is too small.

Once you’ve determined the frame is the appropriate size, begin riding the bicycle. While riding, can you hold the bars, sit on the saddle, and pedal the bicycle simultaneously? Yes? Congratulations, Cinderella! You’ve found your glass slipper!

Test Ride

Okay, so the bicycle fits. But there’s more to a bicycle than that. It must also handle well and function correctly. Here are some things to look for on a test ride:

Balance

If you are comfortable riding no-handed, make sure to do so before buying the bike. A bicycle that pulls left or right could have any number of problems, including an indexed headset, an out-of-alignment frame, or an evil mind of its own. If you are not comfortable riding no-handed, then pedal the bike to a good rate of speed and leap off. If the bike continues to roll upright for more than 20 yards before veering into oncoming traffic, a parked car, or an irate pedestrian, consider that a passing grade. (You may also be able to negotiate a lower price due to the damage sustained to the bike.)

Components

While riding, make sure to go through all the gears, trying every conceivable gear combination. If the bicycle does not shift properly, it is possible that it is a single-speed or fixed-gear. If it is a single-speed, it will have no derailleurs, a lot of stickers, and possibly a bell on it, and the seller will smell of marijuana. To determine whether it is a fixed-gear, find a hill and ride down it as fast as you can. About halfway down, stop pedaling. If you wake up in an ambulance or hospital (or not at all) then the bike was most likely a fixed-gear. If neither of these applies, the bicycle is simply a geared bike that does not shift properly. Make sure the seller fixes the problem or adjusts the price accordingly.

Yourself

As you ride, look at your reflection in store windows and bus shelters as often as possible. Make sure you like the way you look on the bike. If you see someone walking by that you find cool or attractive, stop them and ask, “What do you think of my bike?” If the response is favorable, be sure to purchase the bike.

Settling On A Price

Another difference between bike shops and private sellers is that, with the latter, there’s more room for negotiation. Negotiating is the last step in buying a used bike. Negotiation is also an important skill, and one that not everybody possesses. If you’re not a good negotiator, here are some quick tips to help bolster your ability:

Always Lowball

Regardless of what the asking price is or whether or not you’re willing to pay it, start by offering a tiny fraction of it. A good guideline is to remove all figures from the seller’s asking price except for the first one, and use that as a dollar figure. For example, if someone is asking $3,500 for their Seven road bike, offer him $3. This will show the seller you are a knowledgeable buyer and he will take you more seriously.

Watch “Glengarry Glen Ross” The Night Before

The film adaptation of David Mamet’s play, starring Alec Baldwin, is a perfect blueprint for negotiation. It will also get you pumped up. Speaking to the seller in a loud, booming voice, belittling him, and making unreasonable demands is a great way to strengthen your negotiating position. Quoting the film directly is a good idea, too. Useful lines to work into the conversation include: “A-B-C. A-Always, B-Be, C-Closing. Always be closing, always be closing;” “First prize is a Cadillac Eldorado. Second prize is a set of steak knives. Third prize is you're fired;” and “What the hell are you? You're a fuckin' secretary. Fuck you.”

Offer Pay In Change

Laundromats, vending machines, parking meters, phone booths—we live in a society where Coin is King. The fact is, you just can’t have enough loose change these days. So offer to pay the seller entirely in small-denomination coins. The higher the price, the more likely the seller will be to accept your offer.

Pretend You Don’t Even Want It

Just like dating, people want you more when you appear not to want them. Tell the seller you think the bike is ugly and that you’re not really sure you want it. Tell him you don’t even know how to ride a bike and that you’re actually shopping for a lawnmower. And make sure to say that someone down the street is selling the same bike with better components for half the price. You’ll whip the seller into a frenzy—he won’t be able to sell you the bike cheap enough!

Hope this helps. If you follow the all of the above you should be able to find yourself a real honey of a deal. You might even make a new riding buddy in the process!

Worst of NYC Craigslist Bike Ads #17: "Flattened On Delancey"

I have a number of ambitions, among them: to finish a bike race with a double-digit placing; to develop a signal-jamming device for Shimano and Campagnolo's electronic groups; and to design a revolutionary self-cleaning chamois so I can amass a huge fortune and build a mansion that will be forever known as "the house that crotch built." Becoming some kind of cycling Ralph Nader is not one of my ambitions.

However, some time ago I wrote about a fixed-gear meth lab in Brooklyn, and this Craigslist post from a dissatisfied customer perfectly illustrates what happens when a slipshod mechanic and an ignorant fashion victim collide without airbags:

RE: "Once You Ride Track You Never Go Back" DO NOT BUY! - $1 [Original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/bik/398741324.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2007-08-16, 5:23PM EDT

If you're thinking of buying a fixie and want to get one cheap, you may have noticed the seller posting "Once You Ride Track You Never Go Back." She sells converted road bikes out of her apartment in Brooklyn, and while her prices seem reasonable - when a good track bike / fixed gear runs around $500+ - there's a reason for the bargain: she sells absolute shit and knows it! Let me explain why buying from this person is a bad idea; hopefully to save the next poor newbie from losing a couple hundred bucks:

Firstly, let me explain that I, myself, bought a $200 converted road bike from her one evening after falling in love with it: my first tour around the block on a fixed gear blinded my investigation of the bike. Knowing what the going rate for a fixie was, I thought it was best to pick up this steal of a deal. Bike felt pretty fine when I got it, and I used to ride BMX, so I figured any bike mechanic duties I'd have to handle would be simple - as she told me, the bike will need routine maintenance like any, but it was 100% ready to go. Cool!

So, now for the downward spiral of bullshit. A week later, I'm coming up on Delancy Street at a good rate of speed, begin to slow down a bit by putting resistance on my pedal rotation, and "crack!" -- off shoots a pedal. Apparently, the shitty aluminum crank arm the bike came with was stripped pretty good, and my brisk riding ate the last thread off the arm. Thankfully I wasn't flattened on Delancy that night, but daaaamn was I pissed. So, I call her -- no call back. I call again from a different number a couple days later, she picks up. "Ohh, bring it by and I'll take a look at it." Ok, no. Not coming back to you're dungeon of an apartment for some more shitty parts - that's where i thought I'd cut my losses. I started doing research on bikes, rode more, did more research, rode more, etc. I replaced my crank arms, swapped out my bars, painted it, etc. I did, however, keep the wheels she gave me -- I wanted to get a new set, but funds were tight, etc. Anyhow, I'm out last weekend and pull an easy skid and feel my cog slip -- kind of a typical issue; assumed I needed to tighten my lockring. Well, turns out my lockring was perfectly tight, but not only that - it won't move at all. And I'm a pretty strong dude - the lockring feels like it's welded or something!! Well, surprise: It is! This moron know-nothing welded the lockring to the hub, as well as the track cog. Apparently, the weld job she did on the cog came undone and slid on the hub, stripping the threading on the hub behind a welded lockring. Can't get in there to fully investigate because, like I said, the damn lockring is welded on! Buy new wheels? Maybe. But a new wheelset will probably run me over $200, and I don't have the cash for that right now because I need to replace...oh right, the OTHER PROBLEM...

If the wheel issue wasn't enough, the headset on the bike is missing bearings and the main threading for the headset is mildly stripped as well, so it gets the shimmies every now and then when it loosens up. Such a bad look. I need to replace that too...

But...I wont. I'm cutting my own losses and deciding to save the rest of you from such an terrible CL'er. I'm in the process of building my own Cannondale the way I want, and doing it the right way. Hell, if I took any mechanic cues from the broad I bought my bike from, I'd be eating pavement by now for sure.

If I remember correctly, she lives somewhere off of Taafe -- if you show up to a loft with a big steel door and no AC, be sure to turn your ass around and run. If not only because she's sweaty and has a shitty tattoo, run because she'll waste your time trying to rip you off while chain-smoking American Spirits. You're better off on foot than on one of her bikes. Remember, folks: a monkey wrench is not a bike tool.

Do some research, ride a friend's bike, know what fixed gears are, and be something of an able mechanic if you plan on getting into the whole track bike thing. I love them, but not without a sad history of 1000 frustrations. DO NOT BUY A FIXED GEAR FROM THIS GIRL!! SHE LIVES OFF TAAFE: STAY AWAY!

This is one exciting narrative! If anybody out there works in the film industry I suggest buying the rights to this guy's story, since "Flattened On Delancey" sounds like the action/adventure/comedy "Rush Hour" type film we cyclists have been waiting for. (I'm thinking Johnny Knoxville as the hapless cyclist whose crank arm falls off on his way to the Williamsburg Bridge, causing him to lowside and skid 40 feet under a truck in a shower of sparks with a cheap Sakae crank arm still strapped to his Chuck Taylor.) Not to be too harsh on the victim here, but come on--this guy's "pulling skids" without ever having even once looked at his cog, which he only discovers was welded on after it starts slipping. (Yes, the mechanic is certainly a "moron know-nothing," but the rider's not exactly Peter Chisholm of Vecchio's either.) There's just something pathetic about riding around town on a ripoff conversion that's gradually falling apart like the Wagon Queen Family Truckster in "National Lampoon's Vacation."

But I suppose that's the consequence of something becoming this trendy; people who haven't been on a bike since they were 12 are now trying to gain entree into the exciting, color-coordinated, and fun-to-accessorize world of urban fixed-gear riding as cheaply as possible and without doing due diligence. Certainly the mechanic's a big part of the problem, but the rider is just as much to blame--at this point the fad has spread so far that even kids in trailer parks have learned enough about fixed gears to keep their own bikes from falling apart.

Don't get me wrong--I'm not saying fixed gear riding should be the exclusive domain of seasoned cyclists. Far from it. It drives me crazy when people talk about the special skills you need to ride a fixed gear. (Uh, it's the same as riding a regular bike except your feet keep moving.) At the same time, though, there is more to riding a fixed gear (or any bike) than following what seem to be the Three Commandments of Fixed Gear Riding: 1) Thou Shalt Have Thine Keys Exposed At All Times; 2) Thou Shalt Not Tape Thine Bars; and 3) A Helmet's Okay, But A Brake Is Gay.

Fixedgeargallery: Veloliloquy

Browsing Fixedgeargallery, I was particularly moved by the dramatic staging of this bike. If you're an aspiring actor, consider reading this at your next audition:

[We open in darkness. Suddenly, a spotlight clicks on, illuminating RANDY, a converted Centurion fixed gear bicycle, leaning jauntily against a wall, smoking.]

RANDY: [Gruffly] What are you looking at? [Pause—then drops cigarette, crushes it with his front wheel, and rolls to center state.] I said, what are you looking at?

Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, [in a mocking tone] Here’s another fixed-gear conversion with all the standard trimmings—the white Velocitys, the Oury grips, the riser bars, and the Brooks. You’re probably also thinking, How does that thing stop with no brakes and platform pedals? It must not go very fast.

Ha, ha, ha. Real goddamn original.

[Lifts pedal and takes a drink from the glass of water under his left pedal. Puts glass back on stage and lights another cigarette, exhaling a plume of smoke into the spotlight’s beam.]

You know what Jesus said? Besides “Peter, I can see your house from up here,” and “What, you’re going to arrest me, here, at my own seder?!?” He said, “Judge not lest you be judged.” Think about that, douchebag.

[Takes another pull on cigarette.]

You know where I’m from? Ontario, California. You know where that is? Neither do I. But I know this. Before I got pulled off the scrap heap and powdercoated, a good day was being locked to a pole outside of a bar for six hours by my old owner while dogs pissed on my bottom bracket. Then, after last call, he would come stumbling out and ride me home. If we were lucky we’d only crash once. Then he’d bring me inside, beat me up, and make me watch taped episodes of “Dynasty” with him until he passed out on the couch. Eventually he’d wake up to vomit, down a nightcap (usually a mouthwash cap full of isopropyl if he had worked that week and there was money), and then throw me out the window before going to bed. This continued until he pawned me to buy a used sleeping bag, a can opener, and eight bottles of Robitussin.

I’m not some pampered Marinoni from Brooklyn with perfect teeth, intentionally mixmatched grips, and a stripey saddle who gets ridden to trendy bars and gets to wait inside loft apartments while my owner tries to score with chicks in studded leather belts and Chrissy Hynde haircuts. (By the way, pretty boy, you’re missing your right crank bolt dustcap.)

I’m not some Pacific Northwest latte-slurping trendoid who gets straddled every night by someone with skin-tight capris, an artificially distressed t-shirt, a liberal arts education, lofty musical ambitions, and a guitar he can’t play.

And I’m definitely not some pervert with a freaking dildo stuck through his stem.

What I am is damaged goods. I'm a bike who didn't know what it was like to have more than 30psi of air in my tires, or what it felt like to have lube in my chain, until my new owner came along and gave me back some dignity. Yeah, sure, once in awhile my old owner would eat a can of sardines and pour the oil on my chain, but it's just not the same, you know?

My new owner cared enough to clean me up, put some new clothes on me, and love me for who I am. And one day, with a little help, I might learn to love myself again too. Thank you, and screw off.

[Lights out, curtains.]

Great Debates of Cycling: Settled!

If you ever partake in online cycling discourse, you know that there’s no greater annoyance than when one of the Great Debates of Cycling comes up. It’s like when someone brings up politics at a family gathering around a racist uncle. Suddenly what was pleasant conversation becomes a series of vitriolic tirades making the same tired points and propagating the same misinformation. So in the interest of keeping these subjects from ever coming up again, I’d like to put four of them to rest forever:

Tubulars Vs. Clinchers

Perhaps the ultimate yawn-inducer in roadie forums, this debate has been raging since the advent of the high-end clincher. Typical retorts include:

--Tubulars can be ridden longer flat—that’s how Abraham Olano won the 1995 Worlds. (Yes, there was once a cyclist named Abraham Olano. Google “Indurain” and “Mini-Me” and you should be able to find him.)

--Clinchers are easier to repair

--Tubulars don’t get pinch flats

--Clinchers have lower rolling resistance, as proved by Jobst Brandt. (In the test, uber-curmudgeon Brandt scowled at a clincher and a tubular mounted on rotating wheels; the clincher melted before the tubular, proving the former had lower rolling resistance.)

--Pros Ride Tubulars

And so on.

End of Argument:

Clinchers. Why? Because the only reason pros ride tubulars is the power and influence wielded by the International Pro Bicycle Mechanics Cabal. Think about it. These days, bikes are so simple that even the most inept, dope-riddled domestique can do most necessary repairs with a couple of allen wrenches. Gone are the days of prepping frames, building wheels, and drilling bikes into the sub-20lb realm. So the only thing these mechanics have left to justify their existence is gluing wine cellar-aged tubulars on pre-built wheelsets over the course of four days. And think about that one guy who works for the one French Michelin-sponsored team riding clinchers, and how he feels when he’s surrounded and laughed at by all the other mechanics while he sits in a chair mounting clinchers with a couple of tire irons and taking occasional bites of a Croque Monsieur. Who wants to be that guy?

26” vs. 29” Mountain Bike Wheels

This one’s been raging for the last few years now. 26” wheels handle better. 29” wheels roll over obstacles better. Yadda and so forth.

End of Argument:

While I like to make most points with a little bit of finesse and diplomacy, I have to be frank here. If you’re still asking this question, you’re an idiot. Why? Because this, like all other bicycle-related questions, has been settled once and for all by the Great Trek Bicycle Making Company. The answer? Both!* D’uh.

*Note: The titatium vs. aluminum debate was also settled awhile back by Merlin in the same manner. With this grossly opulent bike, they made the dream of having this exchange a reality:

Question: “So what’s your road bike made out of, carbon or ti?”

Answer: “Yes!”

Campagnolo Vs. Shimano

This is a truly venerable debate, and is a metaphor for the Janus-like spirit of cycling in so many ways. Campagnolo, steeped in Italian tradition and flair, versus Shimano, engineered with Japanese precision and efficiency. To me, however, the real question is what to marvel at more: the fact that this question hasn’t been settled yet, or the fact that people care so much in the first place? Various arguments include:

--Shimano has won eight out of nine of the last Tours de France. (And the only reason they lost one was because it was won by a chemically addled Amish guy with a chip on his shoulder and a testosterone patch on his reproductive musette.)

--Campy wears in, Shimano wears out

--Shimano invented integrated (and indexed) shifting, the waterproof wristwatch, and the first artificial heart

--Campy has Italian Soul and Shimano is an evil OEM behemoth that supplies weapons to our nation's enemies

--Shimano offers mountain bike components, Campy once offered heavy things that bolted onto mountain bikes and didn’t work

And so on.

End of Argument:

Shimano. Why? Compatibility. Not with its mountain bike range, or with other manufacturers’ components. No, I mean compatibility with its fishing equipment range. Yes, all Shimano road and mountain bike component groups are fully compatible with their line of high-end fishing components. And while that may not mean anything to you, it means the world to the many competitors and fans of the cycling/fishing/sulking triathlons that are so popular in the fjords of Norway.

On the other hand, Campagnolo’s road groups can only be made to work with their line of alloy car wheels by employing unsightly kludges and unorthodox cable routings.

Helmets Vs. Not Helmets

This one has been responsible for more threads than the Garment District. Proponents say that only an idiot wouldn’t wear a helmet, and even point to specific instances in which helmets literally saved their lives. Opponents argue that the efficacy of strapping a foam hat to your head is negligible, and that the push towards compulsive helmet-wearing in the cycling community has been largely orchestrated by helmet manufacturers more concerned with their profits than with melon-protection.

End of Argument:

Helmets. Yes, maybe they are largely worthless. In fact, statistics prove that they do little to nothing to prevent against injuries such as broken ribs, fractured collarbones, stubbed toes, saddle sores, paper cuts and road abrasions below the neck. However, anecdotal evidence does suggest that they may be helpful when it comes to actual blows to the head. There’s also the additional benefit of transferring superpowers to the wearer, since strapping one on apparently gives you the ability to tell everyone else what they should do. In any case, whether you wear one or not, it’s a pretty dumb thing to argue about.

Bicycle Pathos: Things That Make Me Sad

Among the many crosses I bear is the unavoidable impulse to invest bicycles with human or animal characteristics. This is most apparent when I'm browsing the various internet bicycle galleries. For some people, these pictures are simply bike porn. For me, it's like going to an animal shelter and being stared at by abandoned puppies, or like going to the zoo and seeing a polar bear forced to live in a habitat the size of a suburban backyard. The following bikes are just a few that, while all different, managed to pluck the twisted spokes of my heart:

These two poor babies are tethered together in the "front brakes are lame" cluster on Velospace. The clusterer goes on to explain that this cluster is for "people who appreciate the true ascetic of a fixed gear." Does he mean that riding a fixed gear is an act of asceticism, and that using a brake is somehow a worldly indulgence? (Though apparently wedging a rubber frog between your seatstays is not.) Or does he mean to use the word "aesthetic," meaning that a brake spoils the pure appearance of the bicycle? (Though apparently wrapping your top tube in a star-spangled crotch protector does not.) In either case, these two bikes look like wide-eyed war orphans who have been abducted and forced to join the circus. It is my heartfelt desire that they should be liberated, stripped of their frogs and top tubes and spoke cards and thrift-store baubles, and allowed to ride free as the bicycles they were born to be.

Before a poignantly non-working fireplace sits this near-naked non-working 3Rensho. Its Dickensian owner points out that it has "been awhile but thanks to my generous family and friends its getting there." What poor bicycle must be forced to subsist on handouts and crumbs proffered by others? Why bring a bicycle into the world if you cannot afford to provide for it? Put perhaps worst of all, why photograph this poor thing in its indignity and post a picture of it online? Please, do the human thing here: skip the NJS, finish building the thing, and ride it!

Awhile back I included the so-called "gorilla bike" in a post. In all honesty, when I first saw this I balked. But after the owner himself commented on this site I grew strangely fond of this peculiar beast and the oddly-built owner willing to torture his own groin just to give it a home and make it feel loved. However, I recently noticed that the Velospace entry has been updated. Sadly, the gorilla bike is now for sale! This makes me sad. To what wretched fate will the owner consign gorilla bike? Like Kong himself, will this become a freak show attraction to be gawked at, never to know love again? Shame on you, owner of gorilla bike!

You know what's sad? Taking a Shitamori behind a Japanese screen and then posting a photo of it.

But you know what's even sadder? Stealing Gumby's bike.