Tuesday, June 19, 2018

The Current State of Affairs

It was a profound honor to be photographed by none other than Ultra Romance during my Eroica California expedition, and while the images that ultimately made it into the Outside feature are each wonderful in their own way, none captures my essence even remotely as well as this one:


(Photo: Ultra Romance)

This was on top of the big climb, and I was in the process of removing my base layer as the temperature had gone up a good 20 degrees since our rollout that morning.  Here's a later shot I screen-grabbed from I don't even remember where:


(Photo: I Don't Remember)

Astute viewers will notice that I subtly inserted it into an image I used in this post:


Basically I'm angling to become the next Nonplussed Bib Shorts Guy.

Of course you don't cultivate a physique like mine by sitting around on the couch all day.  You've got to actually lie down on the couch, and I find the best way to encourage a full day of loafing is to get up really early and go for a short ride:


It's really not about training, it's about priming yourself for a solid nap.

For my chariot, I chose my trusty Milwaukee, which by the time I returned had accumulated a pleasingly postmodern splattering of mud:


It felt good to sample a little bit of dirt, even if it was just a small portion of the Old Croton Aqueduct, though I admit I've been a bit woods-averse lately.  See, while road riding does expose you to the risks presented by both motorists and law enforcement, once you leave that road you risk running afoul of nature itself.  This is true even when those woods are located within the city limits, as are the trails upon which I was knocking around just a couple weeks ago:


Indeed, I had just darted into Highbridge Park when I managed to put a wheel wrong and found myself falling over into the undergrowth.  This is a daunting proposition in Highbridge, where the vegetation could be hiding all manner of perils, including discarded needles and human feces.  Fortunately I encountered neither, but unfortunately I did encounter a large-ish rock.

While I sustained no injury from the rock, a few days later it became clear to me that I had managed to contract poison ivy.  Owing to middle-aged allergy onset, I seem to be especially sensitive to the oils of the Toxicodendron radicans as of late.  A brush with it last year resulted in some strange corporeal colorways upon my person, and this particular case, while more localized, is decidedly bubonic in character.  Of course, one can never rule out the possibility of contracting some heretofore unknown illness in the wilds of Highbridge, but I'm fairly confident it's nothing quite so insidious.

Anyway, in addition to being wary of routes that may result in lots of leaves brushing against my body, I'm also frightened of Ol' Piney itself.  See, the bike fell in the foliage with me, and until I can give it a good hosing down I'm considering it toxic.  And when it comes to washing my bikes I'm like a kid at bathtime in that I'll find pretty much any excuse not to do it.

I should also disclose that this was the day after I fell off of a skateboard and onto my ass, so this is me in my mid-40s: battered coccyx, contact dermatitis, and ticketed for alleged light-running.

Clearly I should grow up and lease a Hyundai already.

28 comments:

wishiwasmerckx said...

Podium?

Dad bod said...

Nailed it!

BamaPhred said...

Could it be a podiodio for me?
Ditto on the poison ivy, at least it wasn’t giant hogweed
I’m rather envious of your riding venues, and weather.
Here, you have hot, with a side of 75 dew point.

Schisthead said...

Re: Hyundai

You will just crash that into poison ivy and not want to wash it.
I'd buy a few more Pineys, then you can batch up the unclean.

Wrench Monkey said...

Don't climb any mango trees. The same allergens are present and can cause the same rash.

Anonymous said...

Honorable mention

pbateman may nap and dream of tan dan tenova said...

spot on re: the nappening.

i just did a quick jaunt on my bike, which is too big, because i needed to work out some neck/back pain i woke up with, likely due to riding a bike that is too big.

anyway, i'm back at my office eyeing the futon i have here for just such occasions. thankfully there is nothing on the prime/netflix i haven't already seen otherwise thing i'd just watch some westingworld or some such.

actually, that dude Dan with the cycling vlog on the utubes might be perfect napping material. not because he's boring, more like he's the bob ross of newbie cyclist. love his genuine, quiet enthusiasm. plus, anyone that can ride 60+ miles on that commuter bike and still be so nice deserves some kudos.

thanks for featuring that a couple weeks back Mr. Tenova. Always bringing the fresh fresh.

HDEB said...

A photographer at a Porta potty rest stop at the top of a climb? That's mean! On the positive side, if a photographer is going out of their way to get unflattering photos of a person, then that person has clearly "made it". Urishol is nasty.

dancesonpedals said...

from prima facie to prima feces, the fun never stops on this blog.

So confused said...

The woods are great but, because I am paranoid about the ticks, I try not to fall and get to close to the foliage, which kind of erases the point of being there, right?

At least I can truly live (if vicariously) through WCRM!

Lance Mannion said...

Those tattoos are prolly cooler than Ben Afflecks....any chance we could get a clearer shot?....I thought you were Jewish?

Anonymous said...

The "I don't remember picture" is more ultra romantic.

urchin said...

Protip: you'll need soap n' water to get the poison ivy evil off that bike.
Just get a new one SRSLY.

ken e. said...

"something, something, something... skateboarding!"

bad boy of the south said...

rubbing alcohol for ol'piney.infectious disease suit whilst cleaning said piney.walker with/without tennis balls for the tailbone.

Pist Off said...

I’ve fallen off many trails but never had to think about landing in syringes, broken bottles, or human feces. Poison ivy is also blessedly rare here. On the other hand there was the severed deer head on the trail one night, about two miles from my house. Mountain lion kill. Big mean kitties, or city problems? I guess it depends.

Fredly Adams said...

Wildcat,

I too am currently afflicted with poison ivy, though I unfortunately did not contract it through the glorious act of bikecycling but merely walking in a foreign yard. Except for scrubbing the hell out of it with soap and water, I don't really know a good way to get rid of it quickly.

Ellie said...

Oatmeal paste works pretty well to curb the itching. That ticket cost you $180??? Ouch

Anonymous said...

Is that big ring / big cog in the "I don't remember" picture?

Mark Follmer said...

Lease a Hyundai?
You already rented a Kia. Same thing.

When I Was A Boy said...

...we would run through the woods all day, and all of us had poison ivy all summer. Plus we got stung by bees/wasps all the time. Life was better when we were not afraid of the world we live in.

82medici said...

For poison ivy/oak/sumac treatment:

Post-contact/pre-emergence: Lather up with Fels Naphtha soap (even tho it no longer contains its namesake ingredient), rinse and repeat.

Post-emergence smear on some hydrocortisone cream and cover with Tegaderm. leave it alone, no matter how disgusting it starts to look.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anon 11:02am,

It's a single ring crank but congrats on winning the weenie award.

When I Was A Boy,

I used to deal with all sorts of crap as a kid I have no patience for now.

--Wildcat Etc.

bad boy of the south said...

Is anyone going to take delivery of the new Harley-Davidson bicycle?this inquiring mind,or what's left of it wants to know.

BamaPhred said...

Well, to add to the whining, ride through a meadow, reveling in nature, then awake to the infernal infestation of the Trombiculidae, commonly known as chiggers, redbugs....

Chazu said...

I'm following you on Strava, and the app occasionally prompts me with: "Your friend Tan Tenovo completed a ride. Give him kudos!"

That message brings forth a mix of thoughts and questions in my mind, ranging from "I wonder how early he started today?" to "He's my friend?!" to "Whoa, am I a stalker?"

Not a fan of social media in general, but your willingness to share the details is appreciated. Now if you would just cough up #whatpressureyourunning, your readers can find transcendence.

Anonymous said...

It's worth it to go to some effort to avoid poison ivy, because unlike most pathogens, repeated exposure tends to result in worse and worse reactions, though some lucky bastards are immune. Tecnu Oak-N-Ivy Skin Cleaner is good to have handy if you go where you're likely to come in contact. Stop and rub some Tecnu on immediately, even if you just think you bumped into the stuff. Then make sure to carefully take off your kit and immediately throw it in the fire...I mean, washing machine, using hot water and lots of detergent.

That Tecnu stuff works pretty good. They even include it in goodie bags for mountain bike events around these parts. If you don't have Tecnu, try lemon juice, vinegar, rubbing alcohol, hand sanitizer, etc. The bottom line is you need to get that oil (urushiol) off everything as soon as possible. This is important, because it can be potent for years if left on anything. So ideally, avoid contact in the first place, use Tecnu if you suspect contact, and thoroughly clean yourself and your stuff as soon as possible.

Inquiring minds would like to know said...

Is Tecnu safe for nursing mothers?