Drawing the Line

Firstly, last week I wrote for Outside about Elon Musk and his various ventures, and apropos of that here's a truckload of Teslas blocking a bike in Brooklyn:

oooh this is right where Tesla parks its diesel-exhaust-belching semis in the middle of a 2-way bike path pic.twitter.com/7quyLb813Q

— Alan (@akgerber) June 5, 2018

I think you'd call this ironic, but ironically in 2018 I don't even know what irony is anymore.

Secondly, last weekend I failed a bike race in Central Park by not completing it:

Overall I've been greatly enjoying my return to the pastime of go-fast sport-Fredding, but on this particular morning the idea of pushing harder seemed not so much impossible as it did unappealing, like when you're halfway through that giant bowl of spaghetti and meatballs and just decide "Fuck it," pull the napkin out of your shirt collar, and go flop down on the couch.  And so I quit.  What I realized after this (apart from the fact that I suck, which I already knew anyway), is that I needed to undergo a period of de-Fredding by riding around in regular clothes for a few days and just going wherever.  And yesterday that's what I did.

The joy of the Fred ride is that when you're in all the stretchy clothes and riding a special bike with those crazy pedals where your shoes click into them and stuff you're fully committed to riding.  The problem, however, is that you're fully committed to riding, and sometimes the best thing about being on a bike is stopping for awhile to do other things.  It can indeed be quite enjoyable to ride a bike while dressed like a human being, and to carry a bag with a lock in it and stuff, thereby opening yourself up to new experiences.

Sometimes the best thing about riding a bike is getting off the bike.

Anyway, as I prepared to head out, I had an idea: I'll bring a skateboard with me!  There's a skate park I'd been meaning to visit, and while I kept telling myself I was going to scout it out to see if it was someplace I should bring my kid (he's interested in skateboarding) the fact of the matter is I wanted to try it out myself.  And I shouldn't have to tell you that at my age and with my lack of skills this was a very bad idea.

Besides physical injury, my biggest concern was embarrassing myself, but fortunately when I arrived there was only a small handful of truants present.  Nevertheless, I did my best to stay out of sight when I goofed around, and I'd say it was a solid 20 minutes of pathetic flailing on my part before I fell right on my ass.

Clearly this was a sign that I should quit before sustaining more serious injury, and so I got back on my bike and undertook a rather pleasant spin around the city.

Of course the truly enlightened cyclist gains some insight from every ride, and the insight that I had during this one is that maybe my obsession with riding bikes isn't such a bad thing inasmuch as it keeps me out of trouble--and most importantly away from other human-powered wheeled conveyances.  Alas, had I only stayed in the saddle yesterday I wouldn't have such a sore ass today.

With profound insights such as these maybe I should start a YouTube channel:


Welcome to the fold.

Finally...ebikes?  Pshaw!  The solution for cycling uphill without getting tired is "pump action":

And it's designed by the "inventor of the fake yellow line you see on football games," so you know it's sound:

Why it took a physicist to invent that, and what any of this has to do with bicycles I don't know, but when the man who invented the idea of showing a line on TV speaks you damn well better listen:


Of course, unless I'm missing something, this appears to be incompatible with derailleur drivetrains.  And certainly having a wide range of gearing options is a hell of a lot more helpful for going uphill than an elastic pulley system.

But then again he did invent that line thing.  So I'll be upgrading all my bikes immediately.