BSNYC Quizless Friday!

Further to yesterday's post, you'll be pleased to know I have attained acceptable braking on the Smugness Flotilla:

I bled the brakes again, but differently, based on some instructions I found on a trials forum.  (Trials riders like hydrolic rime breaks, apparently.)  Clearly there was air in the system, though I wouldn't rule out the possibility that I introduced that air myself yesterday.  Anyway, between that and fidgeting with various other adjustments I'm now getting sufficient bite, though I do think new pads are in order because all my adjusters are maxed out, and if I had any brains at all replacing the pads is the first thing I would have done because maybe it would have saved me all this trouble.

Or maybe not.

Nevertheless, in the long run I'm convinced it pays off to become intimately familiar with your equipment, even if you end up taking a roundabout approach to get there.  They're very nice brakes when they're working properly, so I owe it to myself to learn how to make them work properly.

Moving on, someone on Twitter has alerted me to a bicycle company that makes everything at NAHBS seem like a Surly in comparison:

You really, really need to know about this place, @bikesnobnyc: https://t.co/cJdnlkwX9P

— Fort Greene Cyclist (@FtGreeneCyclist) September 29, 2017

The company is called Ascari, which I assume is pronounced "Ass Carry," and if you want a jewel-encrusted, leather-wrapped douche chariot to carry your ass around Williamsburg then this is the bike for you:

Our ultimate bicycle for the true connoisseur. The Ascari King Series is designed with our signature leather string wrapping and precious stones. 

Each bicycle is handcrafted at our studio in Williamsburg. Special requests are accepted for a complete bespoke experience tailored to your needs.

Here's the story of the brand from the beard himself, and a cautionary tale about why they need to shut down UBI for the good of humanity:

Ascari - The Man Behind the Name from Calliopestudios on Vimeo.

Did he just say "humble and simple?"  Those are not the words I'd use to describe a bike that incorporates Napoleon's dildo:

Oh, and if you'd like to see basically the same video only with a blues accompaniment, here you go:


It's only a matter of time before everyone's walking around Brooklyn in VR glasses that put a black and white blues overlay on top of everything.

Anyway, to Ascari's credit, they do seem to do all the work themselves, and they've managed to fuse Oregonian craftstmanship with Nü-Brooklyn artisanal ostentation both exquisitely and nauseatingly.  And I suppose their bikes are still more tasteful than those $35,000 Wheelmen bikes, which are just stock frames wrapped in dead snakes:

Still...why?

It looks like Jules Verne threw up on a Linus.

Oh, and yes, they do offer a track bike:

This appears to be the only model they offer that doesn't look like some kind of leather creature didn't ejaculate all over it.

As for the designer, I wanted to know more about him, and from his Instagram I learned that he really likes hats:

talking about master piece... Cody Wellema @wellemahatco makes one of the nicest hat available out there. Made out of pure beaver fur felt, being a very durable material yet soft and smooth that increase with wear & age. The trimmings are a high end grosgrain. Highest quality roan leather sweatband with a silk liner, 100% hand stitched and hand creased into shape. He also uses a 100 years old block to make each hat. I am honored to have one of your pieces, thanks my friend for being able to translate my essence into a hat so perfectly.... more to come!

A post shared by Ascari (@ascaribicycles) on Aug 28, 2016 at 6:49am PDT

Yeah, whatever:

Also, his favorite ride is across the Brooklyn Bridge:

What is your favorite ride in New York City?
I love to cross the Brooklyn Bridge between Manhattan and Brooklyn. You get such an amazing view of New York City. You can ride over the East River, and it’s always beautiful at any time of the day or the night. Of course, there’s my neighborhood, Williamsburg, Brooklyn, which is the most inspiring place in New York. There is something very special here, and if you ride your bike around, you will sense what I am talking about.

From this we can infer that he does not actually ride bicycles, because as one of the world's most popular and crowded tourist attractions the Brooklyn Bridge is best enjoyed while riding a Citi Bike at 2mph.

I do agree there is something very special in Williamsburg though, and no doubt what he's referring to is that heady melange of wealth, racial homogeneity, and complete self-absorption.

Finally, in Colorado, cyclists and squirrels are more or less interchangeable:

…When the sheriff located Scott Brown, age 65, following the incident, Mr. Brown told the sheriff that he keeps handy his pellet gun because he hates squirrels. When he saw us our on tandem bicycle, he said that we were not in his way or impeding his vehicle in any way, but he decided that he “hates bikes” as well, because they “mess up the trails.”

Last week, Mr. Brown entered a guilty plea to three misdemeanor counts: Third Degree Assault, Reckless Endangerment, and Launching a Missile at a Vehicle.

Shooting a cyclist isn't "Launching a Missile at a Vehicle," it's "Launching a Missile at a Person."  If this person shot someone on a park bench would the charge be "Launching a Missile at a Chair?"

Perhaps an Ascari with some sort of protective leather netting is in order.