Thursday, May 25, 2017

Wait, it's Thursday? I thought it was Wednesday!

Wanna hear something ironical?

Sure you do.

Back when I had a real job I dressed several notches below "business casual," often commuting by means of the fabled "Ironic Orange Julius Bike:"

Which, owing to my penchant at the time for embroidered racing saddles, quickly devoured the seats of my pants:

They say "dress for success."  I didn't, and I wasn't, though which was the cause and which was the effect was unclear and ultimately irrelevant.

Anyway, it was of course while in thrall to the purgatory many people refer to as "employment" that I began typing away at a modest bicycle blog.  This blog quickly consumed my being like the saddle of the Ironic Orange Julius Bike consumed my pants.  I quit my job, wrote some books, co-curated some human children, and almost ten (10) years later her we are.

The end.

Just kidding.


So what's the ironical part?  Well, it's that now that I'm almost a decade into being a total bum I should find myself going multi-modal with the quintessential gentleperson's bike:

Contemplating neckties:

And standing before racks of uncomfortable-looking shoes that, inexplicably, do not accept road cleats:

Why?  Because I've fallen in with the Smugness Mafia, and as I mentioned in the Bike Forecast on Monday they wanted to put me in a suit for Bike to Work Week:

TransAlt Bike Month Ambassadors will be outfitted in AWEAR-TECH by AWEARNESS Kenneth Cole suits available exclusively at Men’s Wearhouse. AWEAR-TECH clothing uses 37.5 technology, an advanced fabric technology from the high-performance sports world. With this technology, patented active particles remove moisture in the vapor stage, before liquid sweat can form, making these tailored clothing items far more comfortable to wear. When you’re overheating, active particles in the fabric speed up evaporation and cooling. When you’re cold, the particles return the energy to warm the body. The suits are engineered from the yarn up, incorporating 37.5 technology in every layer, from the suit lining to the wool.

So last week I multi-modaled myself on down to the Men's Wearhouse for a fitting:

Lo, by Friday I was a schlub transformed, and my total suit holdings had increased by 100% to a grand total of two (2).  This means if I ever have to attend back-to-back funerals I won't have to wear the same thing twice in a row:

(Who died?  My inner dirtbag, that's who.)

Meet the Reservoir Dorks:

Of course this was the most time I'd spent in a suit since the last wedding I attended.  It was also at least 30 degrees warmer outside than it had been during that wedding, and unlike the wedding I spent much of this time riding a bicycle.  Nevertheless, despite riding around Manhattan and Brooklyn in temperatures that tickled the undercarriage of 90 degrees I was surprisingly comfortable.  So if you need to attend weddings, funerals, or actual jobs with any regularity and you would like to ride a bike to them, you might want to add one of these to your quiver/wardrobe/stable or whatever the Clothing Freds call them.

Next stop: Brompton World Championships!

In other news, meet Neva, the bike just for women:

In a time when the bike internet practically lives to call out the bicycle industry's inherent gender biases, it's almost quaint that they'd market this thing with a video montage consisting almost entirely of stock photos of fashion models:

In fact I'm pretty sure they just repurposed an old fragrance ad.

I am happy to report: No. The vibe in Fort Worth is somewhere between a soccer game and a pizza party. To be sure: Some young racers are really into it, and some parents, too. But most seem to be there simply for the spectacle and a good time. “Have fun, that’s the main thing,” a parent named Blayne Chambers tells me, even after as his son, Cason, winds up winning the 4-year-old category. “If he’s not having fun, there’s no sense doing it.”

May the Benevolent Lobster on High steer them from the Chasm of Fredness.


Anonymous said...


Watch and Camera Guy said...


Sam said...

psh...I bet those kids don't even know their FTP

Anonymous said...

I am in the unfortunate circumstance of soon to be facing a multi-modal commute... and thus was looking over the Bromptons earlier this week at the LBS. While as a bike geek (or whatever), I'm not fazed by the $1800+ price tag. It did strike me as a lot of money to augment the already perfectly good around town bike I already have just to go the 7 or so miles where there's absolutely no alternative to actually ride (across SF Bay in this case).

Coincidentally, I also just got the kid a skateboard... and while perhaps not as fast as the Brompton, it only cost about $100+, is lighter and more portable. Or perhaps this is just a downhill slide to a motorized scooter?

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Top 5 Scranus again.

82medici said...

I tried to stifle my laughter as I slogged through the Neva kickstarter page, wondering to myself what I most wanted to comment on. Then I ran across this gem, which needs no comment, but considerable laughter-stifling: "NEVA cycles is launched from the fundament of Bureau Fidder ..."

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

7th Scranus, missed the sprint again!

They used to call me Fred (really). said...

"Neva," as in neva gonna happen? I know, only funny to me.

Anonymous said...

Just wait, the crabon, disc wheeled, geek-handlebarred, aero-helmented balance bike parents are out there, primed to ruin yet another kid experience!

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

In my best Tom Carvel voice-You're gonna like the way you look!

I'm not a doctor but I believe sweat starts as a liquid and turns to vapor to cool the body.

Only someone named Blayne names their kid Cason.

G. Washington said...

WHOA! Trump announces band on traveling across the Delaware River by row boat.

Division of Cycling Fundamentalists said...

"fundament of Bureau Fidder"

Not sure, but I believe that is a holy owned subsidiary of ISIS.

1904 Cadardi said...

Well, don't you look natty Mr. Wildcat Rock Machine!

From the NEVA kickstarter "No women likes to wear the same dress to a party. Why riding the same bicycle as other women do?"

So, then, why would a woman buy a NEVA and ride the same bike as other women instead of getting a genuinely unique custom bike from one of the many many excellent builders around the world for about the same price? Makes no sense.

ps, you can always put some t-nuts inside those new wingtips for road cleats.

Hill Slayer said...

"NEVA is Spanish...It also carries "EVA", which is a short and strong female word." Indeed. I prefer all my words to be short, strong, and female. None of those weak, elongated male words.

g. said...

I really hate reading these "I've been doing this for almost 10 years" posts. I know this had got to end/jump the shark officially, but I hope to have given up reading it by then. You give life meaning, Wildcat.

Unknown said...

vsk said ...

Neva gonna get it
Neva gonna get it ...

The rain is not conducive to my bikee-modality.

Just watching myself and everyone else visibly age on the R + N trains.


Tom Bodett said...

You're going to like the way you look staying in a Motel 8 in that suit.

Hair Furor said...

Once again, I can't believe someone ACTUALLY rides a SpeedVagen Urban Racer (3rd from left in "Reservoir Dorks." A $7,500, two-speed, "townie" and you DIDN'T make fun of them!

Insane. Is it because it is made of steel and not crabon fibre?

dop said...

Cason would be a great name for a cyclist. He (she?) would just keep rolling along

8carlisle said...

so i'm still not on the 29'er train nor the 27.5 and now i'm asked to join the 37.5.
may old a-cotton not be forgotten.

JLRB said...

Citibike should roll out a balance bike version

little known fact - the 37.5 fabric is very popular amongst porn actors

Flyover Bike commuter said...

A Mens' Wearhouse advert and a NEVA advert in one post. Well LaDiDa!

Clearly, your next stop is Bicycling's inevitable, upcoming fashion shoot, where one set of clothes cost* as much as a $1000 entry-level bike.

*cleaning costs not estimated, considered, or included.

atom bomb said...

I hope thie BSNYC brommie race team is being VCR'd as we used to say. Is there a video crew booked?

Flyover Bike commuter said...

I'd like to add that with the fancy-schamncy outfit and the Brompton, you'll be perfectly "suited" to attend the performance of "Lord of the Flat-ul-ANCE;Dangerous Games.

Anonymous said...

"Because I've fallen in with the Smugness Mafia"


Anonymous said...

I love the outfit, bikesnob. Here is a place to look for proper dress shoes that are very comfortable:

Die free said...

I win. Everyone else was performance enhanced

82medici said...

@ Anonymous Division of Cycling Fundamentalists 2:02

Fundament = buttocks, which may or may not have anything to do with fundamentalists, Muslim, Christian, or otherwise.

Also, did you mean "holy" ironically or did you actually mean "wholly"?

Anonymous said...

37.5 technology? that must be some high tech shit if you can only get it at the men's warehouse. fuck, that's funny.

Anonymous said...

Alas, due to the holiday weekend I will not be commenting tomorrow and will not be wearing a necktie either.

pentelhudas said...

82 medici-

Did you ever have a pair of socks reserved for sunday because they were so holy?

leroy said...

My dog reminds me to dress for duress.

He also reminds me that, as a dog, he has no need for pants.

He has, however, borrowed my Bicycle Lobby T-shirt.

Anonymous said...

The NEVA ad/video has good Stormttooper music

atamusic said...

thanks for post

Dooth said...

Women with character--yes! Of course, they're the hottest. The ones in the video are oozing character.

JohnS03 said...

Had fun watching people yell at you tonight. I was the teacher in the purple sweater who spoke maybe 5 spots after you. Local government at its finest.

Crosspalms said...

I think I'll wait for the 38.0. But wool? I bet Grant Petersen has a few thoughts about that. And so do I --wool is great! I'm sorry I make sheep naked in order to wear it, I wish my body was smart enough to grow that stuff.

Andres in Miami said...

You look like Sean spicer in a suit, assuming Sean spicer rides a brompton. Which I doubt.

Andres in Miami said...

Lanterne rouge?

McFly said...

You look like an FBI agent that got a DUI.

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john said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
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