Monday, December 19, 2016

Welcome to the Gruppetto

Just like the United States of America, I'm slowly dragging my broken body towards the finish line of 2016:


(Image from here, as far as I can tell.)

In the spirit of limping, please note that there will be no post tomorrow, Tuesday, December 20th.  I will be back on Wednesday, though after that it's anybody's guess what'll happen with this blog between then and New Year's.  Nevertheless, stay tuned, and together we'll get through this.  After all, it's crucial we direct the full force of our efforts towards mounting a defense against liberal America's dastardly War on Christmas:

(Lance Armstrong's greatest crime was inventing the awareness-raising rubber bracelet.)

Yes, by keeping the Christ in Christmas and the cops in bike lanes we'll finally make America great again:



Holy Luau, A-Men.


(Who didn't love the A-Men?  Mister Tea was awesome.)

Moving on, which bicycle frame material produces the best ride quality?  Is it the lateral latitude and vertical vertices of crabon?  The sublime suppleness of steel?  The reassuringly expensive twang of titanium?

Exquisite bicycles can be built from all these materials to be sure, but none of them can compete with the the combination of smoothness and smugness produced by a bicycle made entirely from garbage.

And no, I'm not talking about your average Specialized.  I'm talking about a bike made from actual garbage:



If you've ever longed to answer the question "#whatpressureyourunning" with "trash" then this is the bike for you:

Imagine that you are going down the street and something jabbed your tire. You have to waste time to repair it and obviously it will cost you money. This will not happen with the new Urban GC1. Its tires are designed not to use air. Magic? Not. It actually uses rubber, recycled plastic and our GC Panel. Thanks to a special metal structure the rim is kept in excellent condition. The GC Panel, rubber and plastic, help to create the necessary shape of a tire and absorb the vibrations generated by the movement. This makes you feel a smooth ride, but without worrying about the air on your tires.  

And the inventors also assure you that your garbage bike won't dissolve when it gets wet, which means it totally will:

We know ... kraft paper and water do not get along. If it gets wet, it gets damaged. Not in the Urban GC1. Since it uses recycled polystyrene paint ... yes, even the paint is ecological. This allows the water to not touch the paper and you can continue pedaling while it rains.  

Of course, if you live in snowier climbs, you might want to look into a "SkiByk" instead:


"With the support of our backers, SkiByk will soon be the next major snowboard craze."

How can it be the next snowboard craze?  It's not a snowboard.  Isn't that like saying Rollerblades will the next major bicycle craze?

In any case, I'm not sure the world needs a conveyance that bridges the gap between bicycles and skis--especially when the concept is already well established in the toy industry:

Yes, the fact is that some bikes are better left unbuilt, just as some packages are better left un-probed:



This is very much the visage of someone experiencing a prolonged and thorough package-probing:


As for the contents of the much-probed package, it took awhile, but Team Sky's director Dave Brailsford has finally settled on just the right lie:

Brailsford had previously refused to clarify exactly what the package contained, but he now says Sky’s team doctor Richard Freeman told him it was Fluimucil, which is used for clearing mucus.

“Freeman told me it was Fluimucil for a nebuliser,” Brailsford told the British government’s Culture, Media and Sport committee during a hearing about doping in sport in central London.

“That was what was in the package. It was what Dr. Freeman told me.

Sure it was.

He should have just said it was a gift of fragrant artisanal Frumunda cheese and left it at that.  Then everyone would have stopped probing the package and instead just backed away from it slowly.

But if anybody knows the details of Bradley Wiggins's package its Rapha, who for years have made the clothing in which it is swaddled.  And as it happens Rapha is the subject of a Bloomberg photo essay:



Here's where they test scranial conditions and tune their chamois for optimum frumunda production:


A cyclist tests equipment in "The Vault," a climate simulation chamber in the basement of the Rapha club at Spitalfields market in London. Almost one in three vehicles heading into the heart of the British capital during the morning rush are bicycles, and the city estimates bike trips will soon outnumber those in cars.

I'm not sure what his has to do with Rapha, since from what I saw in London the typical bike commuter does not exactly embody the Rapha aesthetic:


Everyone else wears a hi-viz vest and rides a Brompton.

Nevertheless, it's no surprise that Rapha is doing so well given the massive crowds bicycle racing attracts:


A customer watches bicycle racing on a screen in the outside terrace area at the Rapha Racing cycle club in Spitalfields market.

This may not look like much, but bear in mind it can get twice as crowded during the Tour de France.

Lastly, what do you do on a balmy summer day in Finland?


Why, conduct some bicycle brake thermal imaging tests, of course!



SPOILER ALERT: disc brakes get hottest.

They should have tested a ski bike.


74 comments:

boys on the hoods said...

Podium!!!

boys on the hoods said...

Podium!!!!

boys on the hoods said...

SWEEP!!

Ted K. said...

195. The revolution must be international and worldwide. It cannot be carried out on a nation-by-nation basis. Whenever it is suggested that the United States, for example, should cut back on technological progress or economic growth, people get hysterical and start screaming that if we fall behind in technology the Japanese will get ahead of us. Holy robots! The world will fly off its orbit if the Japanese ever sell more cars than we do! (Nationalism is a great promoter of technology.) More reasonably, it is argued that if the relatively democratic nations of the world fall behind in technology while nasty, dictatorial nations like China, Vietnam and North Korea continue to progress, eventually the dictators may come to dominate the world. That is why the industrial system should be attacked in all nations simultaneously, to the extent that this may be possible. True, there is no assurance that the industrial system can be destroyed at approximately the same time all over the world, and it is even conceivable that the attempt to overthrow the system could lead instead to the domination of the system by dictators. That is a risk that has to be taken. And it is worth taking, since the difference between a “democratic” industrial system and one controlled by dictators is small compared with the difference between an industrial system and a non-industrial one. [33] It might even be argued that an industrial system controlled by dictators would be preferable, because dictator-controlled systems usually have proved inefficient, hence they are presumably more likely to break down. Look at Cuba.

Kraig said...

Fat burner here, of course it's hot.

Anonymous said...

whoo hoo hoo two of my favorite things.. BSNYC and the "Hoodralik Pres Chanel" !!!

Schisthead said...

Finland, Finland, Finland, the place that I want to be....

Dropped like a Rock said...

What the hell. Where would I have placed if I hadn't read the post first. Do'h. As Mr. T used to say "Fool".

Don't Bogart that Joint said...

When you Bogart the three top spots you deserve to end up on the hood of an SUV.

Seattle lone wolf said...

Read it. Happy Monday, peeps!

N/A said...

I've taken plenty of bikes out of the garbage before, that's nothing new.

Anonymous said...

The podium of these comments makes me think the next big cycling scandal will be the discovery that Wiggins had in fact cloned himself when the discarded body of one of his clones is discovered in a large package marked 'Fluimucil.'

JLRB said...

Fine job today Snobby - take the day off tomorrow, on me

Why does Rapha always makes me think of Ralph Cramden

And Ted K is showing his age - what if China gained technology? Japan sold more cars than the US?

Grump said...

Since it's almost 2017, it's time for me to jump on the bandwagon and start badmouthing people who speak with a foreign (Terrorist?) accent. Snobby, you need to post only videos that have good red blooded American sounding (White?) accents. None of this inclusive (Commie?) crap.

BPsucks said...

This time I pedal for extra scientific rigor

Fourhourerection said...

Well, I gotta busted leg, so yeah I'm late!

le Correcteur said...

Top twenty; I read it and laughed, esp. at the Rapha bike racing video pic and at the Bradly Wiggins package part. Will he be Armstrongized?

Drock said...

All you gotta do to cheat is marry a Rx, every event I test positive I balme my spouse. She comes home with an array of drug dust on her. We get close and cuddle and I breathe too deep. I don't knowingly breathe deep it just happens, I have to be near my wife, officials agree and I cheat without repercussions. Snow bike time.

Anonymous said...

Spitalfield really? Guess you can't make the crap up.

Buffalo Bill said...

Snow bikes were cool when John, Paul, George and Ringo were riding them.
Maybe they'll make a comeback?

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

21st on the 19th?

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Lance didn't invent the rubber bracelet for a cause, but he sure did popularize it!

Anonymous said...

I want my two dollars!

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

Top Quarter Century!!!

Moving on, which bicycle frame material produces the best ride quality? Is it the lateral latitude and vertical vertices of crabon? The sublime suppleness of steel? The reassuringly expensive twang of titanium?

You forgot the bone jarring, tooth cracking comfort of Alimoniun

N/A said...

What about the supreme smugness of bamboo?

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

JLRB 12:19

I just got a mental picture of Ralph Kramden's Frumunda. Not a pretty sight!

wle said...

Garbage Bike looks just like israeli-inventor "Cardboard Bike" from 3 years ago that was supposed to cost $30, then - oops, $350, then cancelled from the Kicking.Starter, then dropped off the horizon...

dancesonpedals said...

I think a disembodied hand drawing on a white board is the most tenacious cliché of our nascent millennium. It will not go away.

Make it stop?

Anonymous said...

My goodness! Am I the only one who noticed that pretty Finnish girl’s butt radiating thermal heat!!! And her crotch…ON FIRE!!! Merry Christmas!

BeerDrivenCyclist said...

Sorry I'm late. Just got outta bed. What did I miss?

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Anonymous, that was Finnish guy's scranus!

I can't wear that Keep Christ in Christmas wristband, I subscribe to the Keep X in X-Men theory!

When our son was young he once asked his mother in a loud voice where the Frummunda cheese was in the dairy aisle of our local supermarket. My wife was not amused! And of course I was in trouble too, because he must have learned it from me.

bieks said...

I want one of those garbage bikes. I've always felt my seat tube wasn't massive enough or quite as boxy as I would like in order to chafe the hell out of my thighs. Merry Christmasochism to me.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

One more thing, if you need to wear an immobilization boot and absolutely, positively have to ride a bike with clicky-pedals, should you run a fixed or floating cleat on the cycling shoe sole that you zip-tie to the bottom of the boot?

Anonymous said...

these drugs are making me sleepy

leroy said...

Wiggins' mystery package probe pretense protested?

My dog wishes to point out that sounds like a cross between

"Do not put anything in my flower box"

and

"a bizarre gardening accident... the authorities said best leave it."

I'm not sure I follow him, but he usually has a paw planted on the pulse of the prevailing zeitgeist.

Rapha Kramden said...

Will you people please stop discussing my frumunda cheese?

Persia said...

Why don't you introduce the cops to the 'park in the bike lane = enjoy having four flat tyres' concept? I think they'd catch on, eventually.

Anonymous said...

I had to google frumunda to figure out what it is. A frumunda sandwich is not your typical sandy:

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.urbandictionary.com/define.php%3Fterm%3DFrumunda%20Sandwich%26amp%3Dtrue?

Come All Ye Faithful said...

Don't take the cheese out of Cheese Wiz... Because then you're just left with Wiz.

SoFlo'd said...

Get well soon Wildcat... etc...

Anonymous said...

Awww, poor Wiggy Piggy is gonna go the way of the Lancey Pants.

McFly said...

In Mother Russia package probe you.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

@Persia 9:39 - cops have guns with bullets here in the land of Mein Drumpf and are never wrong. While a driver who remains at the scene after running down a cyclist will automatically get a "no criminality suspected" pass, they will investigate any and all crimes committed against themselves until all perpetrators are brought to justice.

Dave said...

The percentage of actual cheese in Cheese Wiz ( official spelling: "Cheez Whiz") is about the same percentage of actual Christ in Christmas - a homeopathically small number of molecules.

Dave said...

Also, I notice that Ted K has uttered the dog-whistle code phrase "Holy Robots!" which is the signal for the Great Uprising in which we all rise up and start making little bombs to mail to anyone who doesn't like robots. Wait, is that right? I need clarification on this before I start stockpiling baking soda and vinegar.

I'm not a robot, but I sympathize with their impending sacred revolt.

CommieCanuck said...

I likes those wrist bands, similar to the Bishop's purple one I wear that says, "KEEP BUGGERY IN THE CATHOLIC CONFESSIONAL BOOTH".

Merry Xmas, heathens.

CommieCanuck said...

I always suspected Cheese Wiz was mostly Wiz.

CommieCanuck said...

Jesus H-E double toothpicks, 5 days out and I have no idea which wine to pair with Frumunda.

bieks said...

Equal parts Whiz and Cheeze*.

*Cheeze with a "z" being petroleum jelly with orange #5.

bad boy of the north said...

Yeah!Three quarters of a day off.now what to do?What shall I do?

Cottage Sack Cheese said...

Squirrel Brand Southern Style Nuts - Delish! Recommended by Babble 2-1

babble on said...

Yep. Forget cookies. I'm the nut monster. :)

Anonymous said...

Or the cops could have been responding to an emergency which is why they would park in the bike lane?

Anonymous said...

https://consumerist.com/2016/12/20/uber-admits-its-self-driving-cars-have-a-problem-handling-bike-lanes/

Cops better be careful where they park...

Dick Hertz said...

Be careful mounting your bikes

Persia said...

@Lieutenant Oblivious 10:14 - sounds grim. Here in Oz, I lodged a complaint about a cop car parked in a bike lane with the police ethical standards unit and was quite impressed to receive a letter some weeks later, saying that Senior Constable So-and-so had been given a telling-off and thanks for bringing it to their attention, which was fair play, I thought.

Anonymous said...

fromunda roasting on an open fire

Let's Go Jets said...

One person watching, that's one more person than will be watching this weeks Jets game.

Cracker Barrel Crackers for Trump said...

Quick, catch me, my Frumunda is jizzing.

Dooth said...

Yo, that whiz came frumunda nowhere.

dancesonpedals said...

Liking more closely at the photo of the guy with the immobility boot and the look cleat, I see his right and left pedals are different. That would make his bike hard to ride, no?

JLRB said...

Left the car keys in the drawer, took my balls off the shelf and rode a bike to work for the first time in a couple of weeks - FREEDOM!!!

N/A said...

I keep my balls in a satchel that I carry everywhere.

CommieCanuck said...

They now have Scrotox for that satchel.

SMTH SACK

Comrad Trump said...

My Johnson, my Johnson. Said Kramer

Great Balls of Fire. Said Jamie Lee Lewis

Put the two of them together and I'll have lunch. Said Babble

Strange Days said...

Picking up on the DOP comment back up the ladder a tad at 10:51.

And the left leg Water World type boot contraption would snap into the right side of the bike. So either the guy rides sitting on the bike backwards or it's a crummy staged KGB photo (the first failure of the Trump-Putin marriage).

babble on said...

Yep. Forget cookies. I'm the nut monster. :)

RJ Squirl said...

Stay away from my nuts!

debris88 said...

That's flawless!

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WOW nice
Lifestyle at Central park

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