This post features a custom consonant-and-vowel layup for optimal lateral stiffness and vertical compliance.

Crassmas is coming, which means it's time for those tree-portaging tips!

Though I spat egg nog all over my Christmas sweater when I learned this story was written by a Jew:

In the interest of full disclosure and to explain the occasional Yiddish peppered throughout this article, Geffen Semach is Jewish and as such has never purchased a Christmas tree, and/or biked around with one. She does, however, love to cart other large and oddly-shaped items around by bike and thoroughly enjoyed writing this article. 

What, she never heard of a Hanukkah Bush?

Still, I dunno, taking Christmas tree-hauling tips from a Jewish person seems like taking gravel-grinding advice from a triathlete, and I'm not taking any chances until the experts at Bicycling weigh in on the subject:

I'm sure they'd recommend starting with a small potted plant in July and then slowly working your way up to that Christmas tree, but only after hiring a coach and following a custom-tailored training plan.  Also, the story would be adjacent to a full-page Nissan Titan ad:

Don't worry, the Titan also looks great fitted with a car Menorah:

Gotta love the holidays.

I don't know which makes me sadder: car menorahs, or people who drive around with red noses and deer antlers on their SUVs:

Something about it all evokes fake wood paneling and tears.

Speaking of portaging, here's a Kickstarter for a new upside-down roof rack:



Basically the idea is you can fold it up, carry it around with you, and then grub a ride home from the cyclocross race or whatever without kicking in any gas money (you know who you are), which seems like a decent-enough idea.  However, anyone who's read enough Lennard Zinn knows that bike dorks have an irrational fear of storing their bicycles upside-down, hence this exquisitely neurotic FAQ:

Yes, everybody knows disc brake-equipped bicycles can only be operated safely on level surfaces, which is why you should always bleed the system if your ride takes you up any climbs steeper than 4%.

And what about your wheel bearings?

Sorry, this is completely untrue.  Everybody knows that if your wheels are allowed to spin freely while on top of a motor vehicle for a few hours this can overhead and distort your hub shells resulting in catastrophic failure.

I mean, come on, who wrote these FAQs?!?  These are the same sorts of irresponsible people who store their bicycles incorrectly.  If you're one of them, make sure you always adhere to the following rules:

--NEVER hang your bicycle by the wheels, this causes reverse stress on the spokes and can result in catastrophic failure.
--If storing your bicycle for more than 24 hours, ALWAYS rotate your wheels at least once every 24 hours to prevent bearing seizure and tire flat spots.
--ALWAYS deflate and re-inflate your tires at least once every 7 days.  Old air molecules can cause tire and tube degeneration and dry rot.
--Only store your bicycle with the derailleurs in the small/small combo.  This reduces pressure on the derailleur springs.  Storing your bicycle in the wrong gear can weaken the springs and degrade shifting performance.
--Be sure to turn your handlebars every few days to prevent headset bearing seizure and indexed steering.
--Brake pads can harden from exposure to air if not used frequently.  To protect them you should rubber-band your brake levers to your handlebars to maintain constant contact between pad surface and braking surface while your bike is not in use.
--If the bicycle remains unridden for more than six weeks then remove, discard, and replace the drive train as links can become brittle from disuse.

The most ironic thing though about the above FAQ is that it fails to address the one thing I'd actually worry about, which is relying on a lightweight racing saddle as a fastening point:

I mean seriously, those things can break:

Wow, it totally looks like she crapped a saddle.

In other competitive cycling news, professional cyclocrossing person Sven Nys took part in last weekend's Single Speed Cyclocross Single Speed World Single Speed Championship of Single-Speed Cyclocross:

The wildfire known as the Singlespeed World Championships (SSCXWC) roared into Portland this weekend for its tenth edition, fueled by the most pre-event hype in its history. Those flames were further fanned when the community got wind that Trek was bringing its best-known evangelist, living cyclocross legend Sven Nys.

It sounds like a great time for all involved, but I can't help thinking about how odd all this must be odd for him.  Think about it: you're really good at this weird Belgian sport, then suddenly it gets inexplicably popular in America and now your bike sponsor wants you to ride around a muddy field in Portland getting beer thrown in your face:

He also got beer and mud-covered exercise balls thrown in his face, but unlike his reaction to an infamous beer-throwing incident in Europe, Nys embraced the hop-laden face wash. “It’s a very good atmosphere and everybody is in a very good mood,” Nys told Cyclocross Magazine. “It’s amazing to be part of this event. They are yelling and throwing beer but that’s part of the game.”

I mean sure, it's great to see he's a good sport about it:

https://floydsofleadville.com/?age-verified=4bfa9da417

THE @svennys in Portland! Such an incredible rider! #sscxwc @velofix

A video posted by Velofix Portland (@velofixportland) on Dec 4, 2016 at 7:09pm PST

But you've got to figure that at least once he asked himself, "Why couldn't I have retired with dignity?"

Though arguably it's totally impossible to retire from pro cycling with anything resembling dignity.

Really, the best you can hope for is running a legal weed dispensary:

Though it could obviously be a whole lot worse for Nys.  For example, he could be getting sued for millions by a guy who runs a legal weed dispensary.  Or worst of all he could still be riding and suffering medical indignities they wouldn't even force on lab animals:

Yes, by dehydrating yourself to almost but not quite the point of death you can gain a crucial advantage over your opponents:

"And losing two kilos in a few hours one day in the mountains of the Tour, Froome is capable of ascending Alpe d'Huez 47 seconds quicker than his previous best, which is no little thing considering that in 2015, for example, he won the Tour by only 72 seconds," said Palfreeman. "You can lose those two kilos through controlled dehydration, functional, drinking less than certain logic would call for."

All you have to do is fool your body with mouthwash and antidepressants into thinking it's not dying:

Palfreeman believes that with adequate preparation, it is possible to combat the effects that the heat would have. He recommended that the riders remain ignorant of their state of dehydration, to avoid negative thoughts, and that menthol mouthwash be used to fool thirst and ‘generate a feeling of cold.’ Training for heat perception would also be required, and he added that medication such as paracetamol would help in altering the perception of heat. Palfreeman also states that Wellbutrin. also known as bupropion, would have an affect. However, the anti-depressant has caused some concern from the world Anti-Doping Agency (WADA) and is currently on their monitored list.

Why stop there?  Why not also put them in medically-induced comas every night to make sure they get adequate rest?  Anyway, it should be fun to watch Froome in the Tour next year hydrating himself with a medicine dropper--or maybe just riding around with one of those automatic chain lubricators strapped to his helmet.