Put a Lid On It

Subsequent to the unveiling of the last BSNYC cap--which still seems to be available despite being a "Limited Edition," go figure:

Some people expressed an aversion to black and made comments along the lines of "I'd buy one if only it were [insert color here]."

Well, guess what?  Now you can transform your every aesthetic whim into reality with just a few mouse clicks, thanks to Walz's Build-a-Cap custom headwear curation system!

Yep, just visit the Build-a-Cap page, choose your colors and embroidery, and they'll stitch you up the cap of your dreams!

Sure, you can't put my logo on it, but if anything that's a selling point.

I even took Build-a-Cap for a little spin myself, and I'm pleased to announce it handles like a dream:

What's that you say?  It's not enough that you can design your own cap?  You want a discount too?  Fine, here's a discount code, you're welcome:

That's good through Wednesday, December 14th, so get on it.

In other news, a cyclist in (where else?) New South Wales, Australia was fined $750 for taking part in a parade on a bicycle without wearing a helmet:

A Blackheath cyclist has been hit with a $750 fine for “reckless” riding and not wearing a helmet in the annual Blackheath rhododendron street parade.

Robin Martin has participated in the past six festivals and usually joins in at the last minute “as the festival goes right past my house”.

But this year police introduced stricter measures around the parade, including pre-registering, something which has left some Blackheathens concerned over “heavy handedness”.

Yes, it would appear that this the organizers of the Blackheath Rhododendron Festival managed to find that sweet spot where helmet hysteria meets terrorist paranoia, with a little "Won't somebody think of the children!" thrown in for good measure:

Police say the charges were laid because “any person riding a motor cycle or a bicycle without wearing an approved helmet sets a poor example to other road users including children and are committing an offence”.

And Blackheath Rhododendron Festival Committee president Elizabeth Giddey, who took the reins of the committee this year, said she could understand the police concerns.

“Our aim was to have a safe and happy day and parade … we could be sitting ducks [for terrorist attacks].”

Okay, what does the helmet ticket have to do with terrorism?  Are they concerned that the helmetless cyclist could have been injured in the event of a terrorist attack due to his flagrant lack of head protection?  Or are they concerned that he could in fact be a terrorist?  Because even if ISIS were hellbent on unleashing their fury on the fucking Blackheath Rhododendron Festival for some reason, I'm not sure if this is quite their modus operandi:

She said police were concerned Mr Martin was “riding up the side of people … where the vintage cars were ... without a helmet and with his hands off the handlebar”.

Ms Giddey said the committee was yet to come to an official position over the fine, but if people had a problem with the new protective measures they “should take it up with the police … or write to the people in ISIS.”

Hopefully people take Ms. Giddey up on that, and here's a template I've prepared if you'd like to do so:

Dear ISIS,

I am writing to request that you refrain from attacking the Blackheath Rhododendron Festival so that I may ride safely without a helmet.

Yours etc.,

Nonplussed in NSW

Though on second thought Ms. Giddey's suggestion is rather irresponsible, because what happens when ISIS opens the letter and says, "What's this Rhododendron Festival?  Sounds interesting.  We should look into blowing it up!"

As for the cyclist, he's nailed his Disputation on the Power of Indulgences to the door at the local hardware store:

Mr Martin, 65, has started a petition protesting the incident, which is at the Blackheath Mitre 10 hardware store.

“I decided on the spur of the moment to put on a silly wig and overalls and join in. My fingers never left the [brake] levers. People lining the street seemed to enjoy my contribution, many holding out their hands to slap as I passed. It honestly didn’t occur to me that a helmet was necessary because the normal road rules were suspended.”

But police said “at the relevant time, all road users were subject to the road rules as they were driving/riding on a public road”. 

Though he might be better off seeking a pardon from the newly-crowned Princess Blackheath:

I hope that crown meets Australian safety standards.

Anyway, if his goal really were to terrorize the Rhododendron Festival parade, he's have been much better off riding the Rammstein collabo-bike of your dreams and/or nightmares, which a reader recently forwarded me:



Rammstein's music addresses "controversial and taboo subjects such as sadomasochism, homosexuality, intersexuality, incest, pedophilia, necrophilia, cannibalism, pyromania, religion and sexual violence," and their bike is compatible with both fenders and pannier racks:

Mudguards: mudguard mounting possible

Carrier: front pannier rack mounting possible

So there you go.

Lastly, speaking of uncomfortable subject matter, Bicycling wants to talk about that itchy ass of yours:

Itchy butt is a real thing. Here's how to deal: https://t.co/O5lCKtRGXE pic.twitter.com/IUxZS3vLAl

— Bicycling Magazine (@BicyclingMag) December 8, 2016

If you're an adult you probably should have learned how to take care of your own ass and crotch by now, but if for some reason you haven't I'd suggest reading parenting magazines, because chamois maintenance is pretty much exactly the same as diaper protocol.  Indeed, Freds are basically just diapered adults, and clearly the reason they're so cranky all the time is like half of them are suffering from diaper rash, and the other half have jock itch.  Yet instead of using Clotrimazole to treat their fungus-ridden crotches, they use boutique chamois creams with the same ingredients as their fucking brunch:

Atlas Cedar – a mild astringent reputedly good for relieving stress and tension.
Lavender – a natural antiseptic and anti-inflammatory used to help ease aches and pains.
Pine needle – reputed to ease rheumatism and respiratory complaints.
Rosemary – characteristic Mediterranean aroma and general tonic to stimulate the senses.
Juniper Berry – a centuries-old boost the immune system.
Lemon – refreshing citrus is naturally anti-bacterial.
Cypress – aromatic conifer rumoured to have anti-rheumatic properties.
Patchouli – anti-inflammatory often used to treat skin conditions.

Sounds delish.  Might as well stick a freaking salad down your shorts.

No wonder they've got problems.