Monday, January 11, 2016

Warning: Post Not AS/NZS Approved!

New York City cycling has more than its share of outsized personalities, and even so Bill Montgomery stands out:

("30 Rock," very first scene, very first episode.)

Besides being the actor film and TV productions call when they need a "messenger type," he's an all-around bike racing maven, organizer, talent scout, coach, and raconteur.  Whether it's helping some fledgling bike racers make their way through the wilds of Westchester on the Gimbels Ride or lending a hand at the Five Boro Bike Tour, he's a New York City cycling institution.  Now he needs some help, and whether you know him or you're just one of those twisted people who gets off on helping strangers, you can chip in here.

As for me, I'm a comparative "noob" who lacks the good sense to come in out of the rain.  Well that's not entirely true.  I do come in out of the rain, but I leave my gloves on the saddle like an idiot when I do:

Nothing like having some cold wet gloves waiting for you when you finish your gluten-free muffin.

It's almost as bad as eating a gluten-free muffin.

(And please feel free to leave your lengthy nutrition advice and insights in the comments section of a blog that isn't this one.)

Fortunately, though it was raining, the temperature was tickling the undercarriage of 60 American Freedom Degrees (that's the temperature scale formerly known as "Fahrenheit"), which made the precipitation almost pleasant:

Of course it's important to use fenders in these conditions, otherwise your ass gets wet and you spend the rest of the time picking your shorts out of the crack of it, just like this statue appears to be doing:

("Pondering the Palisades" by Ivan Avedgie)

By the way, I tweeted the above picture and somebody criticized my fenders.  So if you've got any fender critiques or insights please feel free to leave them in the comments section of a blog that isn't this one.  (Or, if you prefer, simply give yourself a wedgie.)

Oh, I also wasn't wearing an Australian standards helmet:

In Australia, helmets are a hot topic of discussion. You’re legally required to wear one whenever you swing a leg over a bike, and it must be AS/NZS 2063:2008 approved.

Achieving this certification is difficult, and often times brands are sent back to the drawing board trying to figure out how to pass this perplexing standard. But that little red (or white) sticker is required in every helmet bought in Australia, whether it be Giro’s new top of the range Synth, or a Spiderman lid from Kmart.

In other words, when is a helmet not a helmet?  When it's not an Australian helmet:

“If it (the helmet) doesn't carry identifying marks for accreditation for the Australian/New Zealand standard, then basically we have to assume that the helmet does not comply with the standards set out for the helmet, and therefore the person is taken to not be wearing a helmet at all," the spokesperson goes on. "If they are not wearing an approved helmet, they can be issued a fine – $190 in Victoria”

Yes, Australian helmet standards are far superior to those used by the rest of the world.  For one thing, they result in less effective helmets:

Unfortunately for Australians this means an inferior product is sometimes being put to market. “With the way the (POC) Octal is actually designed, instead of having a hard foam it has a softer foam, so basically the idea is it’s meant to act like the crumple zone in a car," says Nick Daly the POC brand manager from Snow Sports International. "So the foam pushes in instead of cracking because of the force, and absorbs more of the impact.

“The way the test is designed, the helmet just couldn't handle the testing and there was too much movement in it. So for the standards they had to change it, make it a little bit heavier and use a thicker foam, which actually reduces the good benefits of the helmet because you’re putting more strain on the neck.”

More importanlty, they provide yet another excuse for insurance companies not to pay out claims:

"An insurance agent could reject your claim for insurance issues, because of contributory negligence," Peter Bourke from Bicycle Industry Australia explains. "Basically under the eyes of the law you are riding illegally. Under the eyes of insurance, you are riding illegally and you could void your insurance. In reality that’s the crux of it.”

Because really, isn't making insurance companies happy what safety is all about?

It's a good thing that when I went to Melbourne I bought myself a helmet to use while I was there.  Indeed I still have it, and here it is in all its visored glory:

I wear it whenever I watch the filmic works of Yahoo Serious.

Yep, that's a genuine AS/NZS approved helmet, and it's got the sticker to prove it:

Though the true mark of quality is the label telling you which way to put it on:

Really?  I thought the visor was to keep my neck from getting sunburned--though I suppose it's necessary because they'll ticket you for that too (wearing it backwards, not having a sunburned neck):

Officers from Fawkner highway patrol began Operation Aware on Monday morning. The first person they stopped was a young woman riding slowly in the bike lane with her helmet on backwards and unbuckled. The officer showed her how to wear her helmet properly but did not issue a $185 penalty.

Anyway, I guess if you live in Australia you just peel a bunch of certification stickers off the kiddie helmets at Kmart, take them home, and then order whatever you want off the Internet.  (It's also a good idea to put "rear" stickers on either end of the helmet so you can wear it whichever way you choose.)

Lastly, I hate shitty drivers as much as anybody, but this guy (some NSFW language, unless you work at "Fucking Wankers, Inc.") seems a little stressed out:

Then again, I live in New York City, so my shitty driving scale is probably badly miscalibrated.

(Around here that driving would be categorized as polite.)


Dorothy RabinoBOT said...


Anti-Ted K Quote of the Day: "Bicycles are almost as good as guitars for meeting girls." ~ Bob Weir, Grateful dead

Anonymous said...

Podi, odi. odi, o

Unknown said...

vsk said...

Monday Podes!!


Serial Retrogrouch said...

no Teddy

Unknown said...


N/A said...

You could just eat the gloves and save the embarrassment of eating a gluten free muffin. Nutritionally and taste-wise, it's probably a push.

ken e. said...

chasing... failing

James said...

Suck it TedK

JB said...

To meet girls while on a bike, it helps to be rock star.

-I said that

BikeSnobNYC said...


I have thought pretty much that when eating a frozen gluten-free pizza. (Which I'm ashamed to admit I've done.) It would be cheaper and tastier to buy a regular frozen pizza, throw it away, and eat the box.

--Wildcat Etc.

wle said...

fenders? they look appropriate and adequately fenderish to me..


Unknown said...

Dangit where is Happy? I thought I fixed that bastard. Glue factory!

Anonymous said...

Here, I'll post for Ted. Everyone needs a vacation.

98. One more point to be made in this section: It should not be assumed that a person has enough freedom just because he SAYS he has enough. Freedom is restricted in part by psychological controls of which people are unconscious, and moreover many people’s ideas of what constitutes freedom are governed more by social convention than by their real needs. For example, it’s likely that many leftists of the oversocialized type would say that most people, including themselves, are socialized too little rather than too much, yet the oversocialized leftist pays a heavy psychological price for his high level of socialization.

Freddy Murcks said...

Snob only uses AS/NZS approved jimmy hats, which is why he has seventeen (17) children.

leroy said...

Those gluten free packaging labels can be confusing.

Bryan said...

I'm a tad disappointed I can't fit fenders on the bike I just picked up. From what I can tell, it was marketed way back in 1992 as being an all day, or all weekend bike. It has eyelets on the fork but without modifying the fenders (ahem...cutting them around the brakes) or trying to fit different brakes on, there is no way fenders will work. The rear is even worse, and there just isn't room.

NYC traffic...I couldn't understand it when we were up there. People would get all pissy over the smallest things and then just be giant dicks. I get it, there are a lot of people and not a lot of road space, but geeze, throwing a shit fit over the guy who doesn't run the stale yellow doesn't get you through the light before it turns red anyway. I could never deal with that kind of self important nonsense. At least down here, red light cameras are illegal, so if you really want to run that stale yellow, you won't get a fine in the mail.

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Eight Teeth!

dop said...

AS/NZS? Who cares what the Ass Nazis think.

(Not to be confused with bottom inspectors

Anonymous said...

Spencer said,
Yesterday the rain was coming in Buckets! Fenders or not, I had to take refuge at the Quickie mart and wait out the next lull to get home!

Dorothy Rabinowitz said...

If anyone is in the Vinegar Hill area I am just devastated that little Davie died and I could use a little cuddle.

dop said...

Dottie Rab and vinegar hill in the same sentence? There's an obvious euphonism

trama said...

fenders because el nino

JLRB said...

fenders are gluten free

Anonymous said...

I could use one of those 'rear' stickers for my ass...

mikeweb said...

My first official on the job comment! Since the last one I made, which would've been about a year ago.

I'll go leave my fender comment somewhere else now.

Anonymous said...

RAPHA is going to offer a helmet in 2016. So…OK! That takes care of that.

leroy said...

Welcome back mikeweb!

Anonymous said...

What's with helmet being spelled correctly these days?

P. Bateman said...

"toss the pizza and eat the box"

oh, so we ARE sharing recipe tips?

well, if you are going to be eating all that box I guess the Misses sure is happy about the gluten allergy.

Anonymous said...

Anon@2:42 - well in this case, I suppose there are no As/NZS certified helme(n)ts?

Whtrshfred said...

I can already hear it above the din of our nation's traffic wasteland; Mighty airhorn blasts followed by the battle cry, "FUCKING WANKER"!!

Roille Figners said...

How about cheddaring tips - are those considered nutrition advice?

You want to get the milk to 85°F before you add your culture. Then cover and ferment for about an hour. Then slowly stir in the rennet. (A lot of people don't realize this is a separate step.) Then let that sucker curdle for another hour. Cut up the curds, heat to 100°F and keep it there for half an hour. If you got this far without fucking it up, you're basically home free.

bad boy of the north said...

I ponder....if you had been running with a set of fender Stratocasters instead,would they had been offended then?

NHcycler said...

Gluten's bad for your pizza? Now you've got to worry about this --

toxic pizza box

NHcycler said...


I hope that works!

DB said...

Been concerned about your absence.
Welcome back.

mikeweb said...

Thanks DB and leroy!

1904 Cadardi said...

In England it is apparently considered impolite to show up on a group ride in winter without full fenders. If you do, you are supposed to ride in the back, lest you spray the other riders. This is at a full on clicky shoes/stretchy clothes racer-Fred ride too.

Snob, you can add Nottingham to the list of places you are properly equipped to ride.

bad boy of the north said...

Perhaps it's "would they have been".yeesh!

Anonymous said...

As Ted appears to off enjoying the flu, a Substitute Ted Post:

Sam Malone: I've never met an intelligent woman I'd want to date.
Diane: On behalf of all the intelligent women in America, may I just say: whew.

JLRB said...


Anonymous said...


BamaPhred said...

Is anybody not watching college football national championship bullshit? Can I come over to your house and maybe watch Ancient Aliens reruns?

BamaPhred said...

PS it's a good day when mikeweb comes out of exile.

Quizzical said...

It's awesome that Bill Montgomery got funded, but is it weird that his friend keeps raising the goal every time it gets reached ($20k to $28k to $38k I think)? I mean, sure, It's nice to have the extra money for recovery and everything and I'm sure he can use it, but at what point do you decide, hey this other guy needs help too?

some guy from upstate said...

What the fuck is wrong with your fenders? They're lovely. Now, as to the alarmingly low spoke count ...

Internet Cliché said...

" Now, as to the alarmingly low spoke count ..."


Dooth said...

Ivana Vedgie was a contemporary of the painter Myboz Ich. These two artists were the most prominent members of the Scranus School.

Unknown said...


Unknown said...


Unknown said...


dop said...


You're forgetting the seminal work of Claude Balls, the autobiographical,"Tiger's Revenge"

Hale-Bopp said...

'Helmet' spelt backwards is 'temleh'... now that sounds sort of Jewish, dosen't it? It's a conspiracy, I tell you! It's all about the Rothschilds, the Kennedys, the Royal Family, and all the rest of the alien shape-shifters!

BamaPhred said...

And my personal favorite, Under the Bleachers, by Seymour Butts.

Wayne Kerr said...

Oy! You lot need to stay out of the bloody goddamn roads! A bunch of tossers and poofs in short britches keepin' me from me pint? Pfffft....ballocks!

Stockholm Syndrome said...

Mr BSNYC, you may well mock our world leading helmet standard, our mandatory helmet laws and our draconian fines, but Australia is now the safest place in the world to ride a bicycle and not one bicyclist in Australia has suffered a head injury since 1991 when the laws were introduced. Our bike share systems are the most successful in the world and our cycling infrastructure is second to none.


Bicycle NSW
Bicycle Network Australia
The Amy Gillett Foundation
Mark Textor and all the Wayne Kerrs of Australia.

Tim said...

An Australian "friend" tells me that if you peel off the certification sticker from an Ass/Nazis helment in order to put said sticker somewhere else duplicitously, the writing magically changes to show the word VOID. Ass Nazis, VOID...that figures.

Welcome back mikeweb, I saw your ride on Strava announcing the good news about once again being able to post on here and get paid for it - congrats.

Tim said...

Oh and on the subject of the little the space of a few minutes the rider was treated like they were totally invisible and with complete contempt by four different drivers. That's going to add up. None of the cases were particularly dangerous if they were riding with any kind of awareness or defensive attitude, but unless you are a saint that kind of thing can still really get on your tits. He sounds more non-plussed than apoplectic to me.

Unknown said...

Gratitude for his previous article,this article useful,I hope you can continue to update,and hopefully your blog can be a blog No. 1. once again thank you and good luck..

JB said...

"...hopefully your blog can be a blog No. 1. once again..."

Talk about a backhanded compliment.

Guy Y Hi said...

Robots not good at subtlety; backhander unintentional.

Even though the AS/NZS is that Australian and New Zealand standard, it is no longer required in New Zealand. Australia's runty little cuz still has our crappy helmet law though, it's just that in NZ you can novelty time trial helmets cheap on the Internet from overseas.

Obviously, there is a historical link between Australia and New Zealand's unique helmet standard and our unique nationally mandated helmet law, and it concerns an Australian helmet manufacturer making more money.

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