Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Sustainably Curated, Farm-To-Table Wednesday!

Happy "Back To The Future" Day!


One product you will not see however, is the hoverboard. Despite recent advances, Kickstarter prototypes and oddly popular “hover boards” that have wheels, the movie version remains stubbornly out of reach.

Regarding the aforementioned "oddly popular 'hover boards' that have wheels," yesterday afternoon I almost collided with somebody who was riding one of these things.  In fact, he was "hover-salmoning" in the bike lane while engrossed in his cellphone.  I was tempted to rap him over the head with my knuckles while imploring him to "Think, McFly, think!" but I ultimately deemed it imprudent.

I also passed the aftermath of what I can only assume was some sort of pedicab-on-pedicab collision in Central Park:


(#pedicrashnotpediaccident)

I'm also assuming pedicabs are designed to go vertical in the event of a collision so that the passengers can crawl to safety.

Either that, or else the passengers were exceptionally hefty Midwestern tourists, and when the driver dismounted for a moment to speak to a fellow driver the thing just flipped up like an unweighted see-saw.

Anyway, further to yesterday's commute into Manhattan, today I did the "reverse commute" away from it instead, and I gotta say it was just a little bit more pleasant:


Not only is the foliage really starting to pop, but I'm also adding to my already swollen inventory of secret climbs:


I can now cram about a thousand feet of climbing into a meager 10-mile jaunt.

Yet I still suck at going up hills.

Go figure.

Some of these climbs are even gravel:


Don't worry, when I ordered my bike from the Milwaukee Bicycle Co. I paid an extra $500 for the optional "gravel package:"


Don't ever, ever, EVER attempt to ride a non-gravel-rated bicycle upon a gravel surface.

Speaking of the Milwaukee, I have been extremely pleased with this bicycle, so much so that I vibe hella and it's my classic peep during Art History.  Indeed, if you'd like an actual magazine-quality review, simply print out the following phrases in a large font, cut them up, put them in a brown paper bag, and then pull them out one by one and paste them onto some construction paper:

--GOES WHERE YOU POINT IT
--THE REAR TRIANGLE DUTIFULLY FOLLOWS THE FRONT
--CORNERS LIKE IT'S ON RAILS
--LEAPS OUT OF TURNS LIKE A CAT OUT OF A BATHTUB
--DESCENDS WITH CONFIDENCE
--RESPONDS TO RIDER INPUT
--FLEX FOR COMPLIANCE AND STIFFNESS FOR POWER TRANSFER
--REMAINS PLANTED IN CORNERS
--HAS TAME MANNERS YET LEAPS TO ATTENTION WHEN YOU PUT THE HAMMER DOWN

Did I do that right?

Unfortunately it has primitive rim brakes an it's not compatible with Boost 148, which makes it both easy to maintain and compatible with pretty much everything, so sadly I'm going to have to throw it in the trash.

Also somewhat relevant to yesterday's commute, I'm glad I wasn't anywhere nearby when this horrible thing happened:

One witness told the police that he had just had his bicycle stolen by a man at gunpoint. A call went out: Be on the lookout for a suspect, possibly armed, on a bicycle, riding along the promenade by the river.

All else aside, this is why whenever I read one of those "cyclist takes stolen bike back" stories I cringe.

It's also why if I ever see someone riding around on your stolen bike, I give you my word that I'm not gonna do a goddamn thing about it.  I'm not even gonna call the cops, because I don't want them getting hurt either.

I will inflate your tires on command though.

Because I'm that much of a wimp.

But let's move away from urban blight and worry about something that doesn't matter, like the fact that it's hard to be a pro cyclocross racer:


“Selling bikes is a business,” Trebon says. “Racing bikes is a business. USAC is a business. Why can’t race promoting be a business? The USGP was good at production. That’s where you could bring sponsors and show them, and they’d see how good it is. Now it’s like, ‘Is this in someone’s backyard?’”

But the two — a pro series and the nation’s thriving “backyard” races — aren’t mutually exclusive. The latter are both a cause and effect of the boom in domestic cyclocross. But for the long-term viability of pro racing, USAC needs to trim its Pro CX calendar or find a series promoter than can fill the big shoes left empty by the USGP.

Oh, I wouldn't expect any of this to change anytime soon.  Seems to me that from a sponsorship perspective they've got cyclocross right where they want it, what with $5,000 bikes now considered a "decent bargain" and fields, parks and backyards all over America crawling with over-equipped Cat 4s who have learned cyclocross from watching YouTube videos.  Why put a bunch of effort into cultivating the elite reaches of the sport when the new breed of Cyclo-Fred is perhaps the most spendthrifty Fred ever created?  These people are buying two bikes at a time for chrissakes, you'd be crazy to mess with that!  I mean come on, if they were serious about making cyclocross a real sport they'd limit it to New England and the Mid-Atlantic where all the real racing is.

It's just common sense.


108 comments:

ken e. said...

what!?!

Unknown said...

69. It is true that primitive man is powerless against some of the things that threaten him; disease for example. But he can accept the risk of disease stoically. It is part of the nature of things, it is no one’s fault, unless it is the fault of some imaginary, impersonal demon. But threats to the modern individual tend to be MAN-MADE. They are not the results of chance but are IMPOSED on him by other persons whose decisions he, as an individual, is unable to influence. Consequently he feels frustrated, humiliated and angry.

ken e. said...

take this train to crazy town.

ken e. said...

damn you ted k.

K-Bo said...

Nonplussed 5th

P. Bateman said...

top tenere!!! seriously, i hold and am possessing the living crap out of this position.

PK said...

Top, uh....10?

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Recumbent in the Top 10.

Unknown said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

10 I MEAN 9! PRIOR COMENT REMOVED!

Hee Haw the Barista's mom said...

I never let my boy near a pedacab.

Bloc-Quebecois said...

TedK est un connard.

Anonymous said...

Toppus XX

Unknown said...

vsk said ...

In my 20s !
I mean, in the 20s !





vsk

Unknown said...

vsk said ...


Bicycling's review of a keyboard ....

"Really makes what you type appear on the screen".


Comments:

Top Screenus


vsk

dnk said...

Pursuant to yesterday's "Oy Vey-sion Zero" ---- this morning while riding on Broadway between Union and the W-Burg Bridge, I saw two Hasidic bus drivers run red lights. One of them was on his cell phone.

dop said...

Scranus?

N/A said...

That bike's package is gravely!

Future's so Bright said...

Bicycling's review of sunglasses:

"Amazingly diminishes the impact of the pupils response to photonic input, solar or artificial."

Captcha - Bodies in water or bodies OF water? So confusing to us robots.

bad boy of the north said...

Nice pix of the north "country".heading for a more northernly excursion,though,today.be careful out there and enjoy the ride.

Spokey said...


i am such a slacker. can't even make top twentius

that's it. i'm going out on the biek to see if i can find a dawg to end my miserable worthless lief.

BamaPhred said...

Tough day to podium, now to read

Schisthead said...

The phrases 'real racing' and 'common sense' are too close together.

They will soon fight to the death.

Winky said...

"Hard to be pro CX racer"? I'd hope so. If Trebon doesn't like it he should get a real job like the rest of us.

Dorothy Rabinowitz said...

Scranular Forecast...HAS TAME MANNERS YET LEAPS TO ATTENTION WHEN YOU PUT THE HAMMER DOWN

Anonymous said...

Wildcat, how did ur gravel approved bike not come with dick brakes??

Bryan said...

I think all that fresh air is getting to your head...

"--RESPONDS TO RIDER INPUT
--FLEX FOR COMPLIANCE AND STIFFNESS FOR POWER TRANSFER
--HAS TAME MANNERS YET LEAPS TO ATTENTION WHEN YOU PUT THE HAMMER DOWN" - so pornographic.

Again, that bike of yours sure is something perty to look at. With a few slight changes, that's probably the direction I'm going for my next bike (Nitto rando bars and SRAM...I like the shorter hoods)

leroy said...

Well I was just about to order a Milwaukee bicycle, but I notice that Mr. BSNYC's review doesn't indicate whether the bike "ascends like a monkey with a set of crampons" and "descends like a monkey in a set of crampons tossed out of a helicopter."

My dog, however, is telling friends my delay is akin to those Viagra commercial warnings: I'm waiting for my doctor to tell me if my heart is healthy enough for riding.

Well of course he's just using that to set up the observation that it doesn't matter if one's heart is healthy enough for riding or sex if one has no idea what one's doing in the first place.

I told him it's hard to take someone seriously who is fixed, but still licks himself.

Still, probably a good idea to stop riding and consult a professional if one experiences a stuck kickstand lasting more than four hours.

crosspalms said...

This is pretty cool. Yay, Oslo!

P. Bateman said...

i'm going to be hosting a C-XXX race in my back yard.

there will be lots of wet terrain, dick breaks, vertical stiffness, oil based lubrication and re-cum-bebabes.

going to be the event of the fall if you ask me.

janinedm said...

It seems pretty easy to me to make money doing CX. Open Google maps. Find a location that is across a field and maybe up some stairs from you. Get a real job in that area and ride to it. But seriously, it's a minuscule niche sport nestled inside a small niche sport. I think more people watch that thing where you build robots to fight other robots, and those guys have day jobs. Admittedly, often making robots.

lyin_ryan_from_that_tv_show said...

Ryan seems blissfully unaware that USA Cycling wants no one making money but USA Cycling.

It must be nice to wander through life with a talent for something and be unaware the federation is so desperate to pick everyone's pockets.

DB said...

Leroy, 1:50, COD.

That Guy said...

I WANT MY HOVERBOARD!

Gideon said...

That pedicab is laying in horsesh*t. Which brings to mind, how is it possible there isn't an epidemic of horsesh*t related cycling accidents in the park? Food for thought.

- Not a Robot

JLRB said...

At least when it comes to flying cars, Mr. Gale does not mind being wrong. “People have enough trouble driving in two dimensions,” he said. “I don’t think it’s a good idea to give them the Z axis.”

And the choir sang ...

JLRB said...

Our local bicycling advocacy group here in the cap city is promoting t-shirts that feature the safety of protected cycle lanes .

I like to support WABA but am not going for this one. Too many mixed blessings of the protected lanes. The latest being some moron reaching out from the sidewalk either to fake like he was going to grab my bike, or doing a bad job of trying to grab my bike/push me off as I rode by last night. The "protected" bike lane traps you in a narrow area between parked cars and idiots on the sidewalk.

First world problem No. 99

dop said...

I'm sorry that Sage stopped producing the Z-axis fly rods. One day, I may have been able to afford one.

BamaPhred said...

I just love these descriptions of riding in/around NYC. And the policeman being killed, well I was thinking what the fuck is wrong with people these days? I know, a lot. But killing cops for a bicycle? Then I read about the shootout over turf, etc, then I realized it wasn't over the bike.....

BamaPhred said...

I'm embarrassed to admit this dop, but it took me a while to connect the dots between we called a "graphite" rod and carbon fiber bikes. Aren't they both made out of carbon fiber sheets molded over a form, or some other production process? I know the price ramps up dramatically as weight decreases, just like bikes, and that last years GLX is sooooo antiquated that you simply must throw them away and by the newer, lighter, more sensitive NRX, it's phising phredism run rampant.

McFly said...

No gravel near my package thank you very much.

Duder said...

Hey bro, What do you drop your pressure to before you hit those gravel sections?

Roille Figners said...

I agree, the Milwaukee's got hips like woah, and a booty that's clappin'.

Yeah BikePortland has always had a pretty heavy anti-bike-thievery-vigilante slant. Which of course sounds great in theory but in practice means you've got people even less professional than the cops out there trying to stop crimes. And Portlanders to boot.

Freddy Murcks said...

How do you MTB ridin' folks feel about 1x10 conversions? I am trying to eke some additional life out of my current barney bike and a am considering a 1x conversion.

Knüt Fredriksson said...

Whenever I notice gravel in my package I remove it immediately so I don't get nasty abrasions...

Spokey said...



does protected cycle lanes mean you can't get pregnant?

Anonymous said...

Does Portland have bike-share?

Roille Figners said...

Hmm, maybe this prone recumbent thing has an upside?

JLRB said...

Spokey - It depends on the rhythm of your stroke.

JLRB said...

Roille - Do they offer a tandem?

Roille Figners said...

No they don't have bike share despite years of trying. Unless you count the brisk traffic in incompetently-locked bikes.

Roille Figners said...

JLRB - LOL... "KuKu"

dop said...

Bama-

I cringe to admit I have a glx.....that I assembled from a kit (major fredism here)along with a low-end sage.

Comment deleted said...

Roille - she has my vote as the new Recumbabe. Team Prone.

Unknown said...

vsk said ...

Just saw a souped up Delorean with a yellow and black helemented cyclist motor pacing behind. There were a lot of sparks. Could it be ??


vsk

go_mericuh said...

Law enforcement at Uh-mericuh's top hat is dealing with bicycle/car collisions by telling bicyclists to get off the road.

http://i.imgur.com/2VRxSfd.png

JLRB said...

go_mericuh - Looks like they are just saying obey the rules, stay to the right, don't be a dick, etc. or they will issue tickets (or worse - education) Where do they say get off the road?

slatternly said...

Dude riding a citibike across country got punched by an angry Okie.

https://instagram.com/p/9Eb7xRAcF-/?taken-by=countribike

What was the point of this again?

go_mericuh said...

JLRB,

Occupy that tiny sliver of space between the curb/shoulder and the lane where cars belong. A car can occupy that tiny sliver of roadway as they see fit. AKA, get off the road.

Anonymous said...

talkin about Back to the future... Marty already knew about the Donald, 30 years ago..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B_iL8TtPOt0

Spokey said...


no way. recumbabe all the way. or uma

Spokey said...


so i cruised through duke island park this pm looking to see if the trees had turned any since i was there last week.

there were a ton of dogs all over the place. but not one attacked me. apparently my very essence is so worthless that even the dogs ignore me. no wonder i can't podi here anymore.

oh, and leaves are still mostly green. a few yellow ones around and lots more leaves on the path, but no nice reds etc. even the leaves mock me.

babble on said...

The RCMP are the long arm of our federal government, which as you may already know, changed hands this week. Monster Harper had directed them to shut down Vancouver's pot shops (though they declined to step in on our VPD's territory) among other initiatives. With any luck, this Vancouver Island hassle the cyclests project will go the way of the dodo too, just like the mean man who ruled our beloved Canada these past ten years.

And prone biek lady can't be the new babe, because boobies.

Roille Figners said...

O Recumbabe loyalists, worry not, for even though Prone Lady can eat way more crackers than Recumbabe before suffering a bed-ejection, the problem is, the kind of wide banner ad that might respond to Prone Lady's special touch is usually at the bottom or top and snob will just crop it out. So Recumbabe's place is secure as the boobie-specific, non-bibshorts-guy image of choice.

P. Bateman said...

hmmm....a BSNYC branded ad blocker. that would be a fun extension for chrome...

JLRB said...

go_mericuh said...

JLRB,

Occupy that tiny sliver of space between the curb/shoulder and the lane where cars belong. A car can occupy that tiny sliver of roadway as they see fit. AKA, get off the road.


All I see is the letter you linked says you've got to stay "as near as practicable to right side of the highway." Maybe the "sliver of space" is how they are enforcing it, but it's not what the letter says.

The as close to the right as practicable is pretty common road law. The three jurisdictions around me -

Virginia: http://www.vdot.virginia.gov/programs/bk-laws.asp#Where

Bicyclists operating a bicycle on a roadway at less than the normal speed of traffic at the time and place under conditions then existing shall ride as close as safely practicable to the right curb or edge of roadway.


Maryland: 21-1205 Riding on roadways or on highway.
(a)Riding to right side of roadway. – Each person operating a bicycle or a motor scooter at a speed less than the speed traffic at the time and place and under the conditions then existing on a roadway shall ride as near to the right side of the roadway as practicable and safe,

But not DC: No obligation to ride to the right (too political of a term around here)

Comment deleted said...

OK, so you all are Team Supine. I know when I'm outnumbered.

Anonymous said...

Don't forget lateral stiffness.

Anonymous said...

Ascends like JESUS!!!!

crosspalms said...

In honor of the day, AYHSMB: Appropriated your hoverboard, silly Marty. Bye.

[Bike thief exits as right as practicable]

Old Yeller said...

Bi-sicklers carry guns on their bikes and they shoot them at heroic military dogs. There will be no quarter given in this war. We see a human dork on a bi-sickle, we take them down. No bark, no growl, no half-speed lope at a bad angle...you are taking a dirt-nap...and then will be used as a fire hydrant. You have been warned. Guns don't kill people...they kill dogs...especially when fired by idiotic bi-sicklers.

ChamoisJuice said...

Dear Bikesnob,

Things I like about your bike:
-NONE MORE BLACK
-STEEL IS REAL
-MURICA

Things I don't like about your bike
-seat, bartape, tire color coordination is just wrong, wrong, wrong.
-bartape is wrapped backwards. AGAIN. Dood, it is not that complicated.
-the graphics on that shimano pro stem are hideous and distracting. I actually have PRO bars on my mountain bike, and I really want to change them or at least sharpie the graphics off.
-BONER STEM. SRSLY, you should try riding a bike one size bigger, with a shorter stem. You'd have the same fit, not have a fat stack of offensive headset spacers, and it would handle 800X more confidently. Old habits die hard, I guess/ retro grouch/ set in yer ways/ roadie style diktats/ TRADITION.

Overall, pretty cool tho. What ever happen to stripped the specialized crabon bike, and building up the pink faggin?

I am a little sexually frustrated.
1. yoga instructor/burning man enthusiast chick moved to Cali for harvesting
2. On again/off again fwb crazy Bosnian model/alchoholic/don't really want to get into the Springer details is moving to Seattle in two weeks
3. I got the number of this redhead ballet instructor. Stoked! Ginger fire + extreme flexibility and grace + dancer craziness= ChamoisJuice dream woman. TXTing was going well, got a few laughs, some innuendo going. Decided to hit her with a corny pickup line. Her name is Kay:
You should call me Elle. L always comes after K. :D

Met with complete radio silence. Sad trombone noise.
Not a fan of corny pickup lines, I guess?
She tells me that's juvenile high school stuff, and pickup lines are universally despised by ALL women!
PFFFT, shows what you know! I used that same same but different line on a yoga instructor named Summer, "You should call me Autumn" and she responded "ahahahahaha! Very original, cj!" That's right, 5 ha's. Don't think I have ever got more than 4 ha's before. FUCK 'EM IF THEY CAN'T TAKE A JOKE. No wait, DON'T FUCK EM IF THEY CAN'T TAKE A JOKE.

Just when I finally thought I had figured out how to talk to bitches...

McFly said...

Freddy,
Several people on the north end of Land Between the Lakes run the 1X and love it. I briefly considered this on the Kona then realized how much I am in the 24 ring and said FUNK DAT. Way more climbing on the south end. Although with the 42T on the back I doubt I am that much lower than those guys. They have noted my 220 cadence more than once when following me. So in conclusion.......

...........I have no idea.

(not having to fiddle with a front shift would be nice)

BamaPhred said...

Old Yeller may you be infested with camel fleas, your balls be bitten by CJ, and you die a hideous death one thousand times. In the meantime, I have outfitted Bikey with a bespoke system that detects stealth low flying missle dogs. It deploys dog level bear spray, heat seeking tasers, and weighs less than a gram. See you at high noon?

BikeSnobNYC said...

ChamoisJuice,

You know verry little about bikes in general and almost nothing about road bikes.

There's no "right" or "wrong" with bar tape as long as it's wrapped in the direction your hands move and the ends don't curl up.

And where do you see a bunch of headset spacers?

Now go tell it to bikeforums.

--Wildcst Etc.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

That prone contraption looks so uncomfortable. I'd just as well ride a regular bike with a wedgie seat. And $8500 American fun tickets!!? That would buy a sweet lightly used Hyundai.

dop said...

an esteemed fellow commenter said:


Old habits die hard, I guess/ retro grouch/ set in yer ways/ roadie style diktats/ TRADITION.

The only diktat I remember was on a patient in the ER at St. Luke's who had 'SARA', tattooed on his member. I didn't comment on this to the patient, but I told the nurse that our patient had his girlfriend's name tattooed on his penis. (It was a professional conversation. I said penis). She went in to see for herself. A short while later she came back and asked, "Why do you think his girlfriend is named Saratoga Springs NY?"

Spokey said...


i've wrapped my bars in either direction (although always starting from the bar ends). near as i can tell it makes no difference except how badly my wrapping is sucking at that particular point in time. mostly i wrap the right bar end going in a clockwise direction on the theory that that's the way my hands would tend to twist. and at the top, over the top towards the front on the same theory.

Unknown said...

vsk said ...

Maybe a first?
A possible new Bike Snob character being chatted about before she even makes an appearance in the column?
Hopefully Prone Lady will figure more prominiently than rabid rabinowitz!




vsk

Spokey said...


i vote nay on prone lady.

JB said...

Holy crap, Snob! I now notice that you're in "granny-granny" in the recent Milw. bike photo.

DICK TATS

CJ's Mom said...

If I've said it once, I've said it a million times. Little CJ (with emphasis on the little) is an insufferable fuckface. Ignore him. I know I do, and I am his mother. And as his mother, I can honestly attest to the fact that he doesn't know shit about anything. And he's a basement dwelling virgin with a micro penis and a bad attitude. His talk about girls would be amusing if it weren't so pathetic.

N/A said...

While we're commentatoing on Wildcat's gravely-packaged biekcycle, I would like to say that I also have the Brooks Cambium in the slate colorway. I've found that the Fizik dark gray is a lovely combo with it. Since I'm not in Old Man Brooks' pocket, that high-dollar Cambium Handlebarring Tape is too rarified for my grubby paws.

JLRB said...

Back to the Future Day = Oh My God I Am Fooking Old Day

Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha said...

psssst - CJ - In the real world texting is not talking

Ranger Dick said...

FREDS SURE ARE STUPID

gertrude stein said...

ha is a ha is ha is a ha

francis said...

ha

JLRB said...

I have never been distracted by graphics on a bar stem.

I would, however, black out the "R" on the wheel logos - Itchey wheels vibe hella

a~ha said...

take on me




ok, I know it's the family guy version, but it's better than the original

bad boy of the north said...

tee hee hee...

Anonymous said...

Vibe
the act of inserting a vibrator into ones genatalia.

bad boy of the north said...

...and a ha

Jimmy said...

he's not selling any alibis as he stares into the vacume of your eyes

nothings gonna change my world said...

possessing and caressing me

Spokey said...



wtf

Spokey said...

i guess i'll

Spokey said...

go

Rebel Rebel said...

you've torn your dress
your face is a mess
you can't get enough but enough ain't the test

Spokey said...

for the

Spokey said...


well got it anyway

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Unknown said...

We might have used the word "proper" instead of "tame" in terms of the Milwaukee Road's manners. Or maybe "refined." Like the kind of person who can throw peanut shells on the floor of a road side bar, but can also clean up nicely and use the proper fork at a formal dinner.

Andi said...

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