Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Fire up the oil lamp, polish off the ol' monocle, and start reading.

Yesterday I received a book in the mail, which will be available imminently:



The idea of the book is to encourage kids to do cool stuff so they don't waste their time holding up banks and watching Regis.  Awhile back the authors asked if I'd contribute an essay about riding bikes, and I agreed, since it seemed a lot more productive than yelling at teens to get off my lawn.  Now here it is in print, with illustrations and everything:


I can assure you I get right down on these youngsters' level, and in addition to telling them how "cool" and "hip" bicycles are I remind them numerous times to do good in school and stay off the pot.

By the way, the cover's all shiny in real life too:


So if you want the child in your life to get off the couch you can always try this book, and at the very least if you throw it at them hard enough it's bound to do something.

Anyway, half the struggle is encouraging the next generation to ride bikes, and then the other half is making sure when they grow up they don't get suckered into stuff like this:


SEA: TEAGUE X SIZEMORE BICYCLE'S DENNY from oregon manifest on Vimeo.

You may remember this bike as the winner of last year's Oregon Manifest "Ultimate Urban Utility Bike" contest, and in particular its locking handlebars:


And toothbrush fender:


You may also remember that Fuji Bikes was going to put the winning bike into production.  Well, it occurred to me recently that this revolutionary bicycle hadn't yet taken over the streets of every city in the world, which seemed unthinkable given how terribly inconvenient regular fenders and u-locks are.  So I checked in with the Fuji website:


We will be communicating availability dates and pricing in the spring of 2015. Please be patient as we work with Team Teague x Sizemore to bring you The Denny. 

That was pretty much all I could find, so I'm assuming Fuji is hoping that everyone will forget and they'll never have to figure out how to mass-produce this silly bicycle.

Then, on the other end of the spectrum, you've got your artisanal side car bike:


Surf Side Car by Horse Cycles, Brooklyn, NY from Horse Cycles on Vimeo.

As a dedicated Rockaway Beach* boardwalk surfboard porteur it's definitely the most Brooklyn bike I've ever seen, I'll give it that.

All it needs is more crochet.

*[If you're feeling compelled to point out in the comments that Rockaway Beach is in Queens and not Brooklyn then please punch yourself in the face instead, because we know.]

And then you've got this:



Yep, finally--it's a folding bike with a built-in schluffing function:


Remember schluffing?


Those were the days.

Anyway, if nothing else, it's clearly the ultimate sidewalk-slayer:


When you see a cop all you have to do is switch to "schluff" mode and you can comfortably give the officer the finger as you roll past.

Meanwhile, in other smugness news, Paris went (partially) car-free this past Sunday:


About a third of Paris was free of motorized vehicles from 11 a.m. to 6 p.m., except for buses and taxis. Car speeds were capped at 20 kilometers per hour in the rest of the city.

Mayor Anne Hidalgo, at the urging of activists, initiated the massive car-free event as a lead-in to the city hosting COP21, the United Nations’ upcoming conference on climate change. Paris is plagued by diesel exhaust, and the skies over the city were noticeably bluer yesterday, according to the Guardian. The exhaust cleared. The rumble of traffic was gone. People seemed happier and less stressed.

But then things got weird:
A photo posted by Héloise Fayet (@heloise.fayet) on
"Put back the cars!," millions of Parisians yelled in horror.

And in Toronto, a reader informs me that one cyclist struck his own blow against the Automotive Industrial Complex:

A cyclist has been charged with mischief in Toronto after he was struck by a car at the intersection of Queen and Spadina on Thursday afternoon and allegedly retaliated by throwing the driver's keys down a drain.

So a driver hits a cyclist but the cyclist gets charged for doing something annoying?

Is Robs Fords still Mayor or what?

The cyclist then left the scene but was followed by police before being stopped, Const. Clint Stibbe told CBC News.

"Reaching into a vehicle is risky at best," Stibbe said. "And you never know what the person inside that car is going to do to you when you do that."

Holy crap, "Clint Stibbe?"  No way that's his real name.

And risk?!?  The driver already hit him with the car, what else was there to worry about?

Well, I suppose the driver might have bitten him, but it seems unlikely the driver was Jon Voigt.

If anything, the cyclist should be commended for performing a public service by immobilizing a dangerous driver.

He just did your job for you, Clint Stibbe.

Either way, the cyclist clearly forgot the cardinal rule: it's okay to hit cyclists, but never, ever voilate the sanctity of Somebody's Car.

"Some people may think it's funny and maybe to that individual who dropped the keys," Stibbe said. "But in the end you don't know what that person is going home to."

Oh, poor motorist!  Yeah, I'm pretty sure I know what the driver was going home to:


No word on how long it took the driver to fish out the keys.

108 comments:

Phez7 said...

Woohoo! Speed!

Phez7 said...

Woohoo! Speed!

Anonymous said...

podio?

Unknown said...

Note 10. (Paragraph 62) Some social scientists, educators, “mental health” professionals and the like are doing their best to push the social drives into group 1 by trying to see to it that everyone has a satisfactory social life.

Phez7 said...

Also, I heard that everyone's gong electric when the zombies arrive: http://youtu.be/0ZFq-09gzTw

McFly said...

Skirt/Dress Slack Porn on a rainy Tuesday. Nice.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Toppus tennus. Screw the west coast!

JB said...

Early break holds off peloton.

babble on said...

Yawn.. whaaaaat? Geez, someone was getting busy this morning...

Anonymous said...

You early-ass motherfucker!

Hey I finally found a use for the helme(n)t... Riding Sunday I was Isaac-Newtoned by a crab apple. No blood, no foul. Thank you helme(n)t.

Ummm said...

Every day I'm schluffing schluffing schluffing

Terrance said...

Hey Guy,
Canadians just aren't that rude, buddy. That's why he was charged with Mischief. Now, if he farted in the drivers face, he would have been fine friend.

bad boy of the north,temporarily more north said...

missed yesterday's post.yup,had to drive from ny to Montpelier,vt and back.now back to the real world.Zzzzz...

JB said...

That "soon to be Fuji" bike doesn't look all that bad! Except I'd want real fenders and real handlebars. Oh, now there's nothing unique about it.

JLRB said...

Fire up the what? I am barely done with my morning Trump

Neil said...

blame VW for the poor air quality in Paris...

N/A said...

The cyclist shouldn't have thrown the keys into the sewer. Still funny, though.

Carlos Caliente said...

9:50 AM and I'm only 18th! Damn!

samh said...

I live in the Great Rocky Mountains of America's West so I had no idea that Rockaway Beach is in Queens and not Brooklyn.

bad boy of the north said...

I wonder where the Donald's "make Canada's scranus great again" caps are made.....hmmm.

Unknown said...

vsk said ...

Somewhat early bird ...

vsk

Anonymous said...

Ok, I can't keep it in any more. So, I was walking around Amsterdam over the weekend when I heard some 'Merican being spoken. Turns out to be coming from two pairs of fifty-something (think khakis and pleats) making their way down the sidewalk. I followed like a drug-crazed voyeur - lets call a spade a spade, its Amsterdam. Anyway, their topic of conversation was bikes. They found it so irresponsible that some rode without lights, unfathomable how parents ride with kids on handlebars and racks and, yes, that no one wore helments. As a matter of fact, one female in the group was 'darn near ran over' just the evening before.

Hmmmm..... pleated Americans giving opinions about urban transportation issues in Amsterdam is a bit like the Dutch giving opinions about the correct caliber of handgun for personal defense in Des Moines.

PotbellyJoe said...

Brilliant post Snob, I'm amazed at the energy for sarcasm this early in the day.

So VW is trying to kill us all slowly, while the daughter of Paul Walker claims that it was Porsche's fault he was killed in a car going 40+ mph over the speed limit on bad tires.

It seems all of those news stories about a "Car" going through a cafe and killing 17 people is causing Californians to misunderstand what driving is. It's been said CA is socially 20 years ahead, so here's your future!

Unknown said...

vsk said ...

If I can't get the keys down the drain, I always thought it best to make my rear axle connect with the windshield in a vigorous sort of way.

As long as I can get the hell out of there with immediate effect ...

vsk

P. Bateman said...

top...oh, i guess i slept in.

well okay then.

JB said...

Des Moines?: 12-gauge

P. Bateman said...

so i first thought that bike was the "Deny"...but its the "Denny"?

out of all the words in the world, they somehow landed on Denny?

i dont eat at Denny's and i aint ridin' no dang bike called the Denny. I do declare I deny Denny.

PotbellyJoe said...

I've long debated if I should carry a small piece of ceramic material (piece of a spark plug, even) with me on rides so I can shatter tempered glass easily for the exact reason this guy threw the driver's keys down the sewer.

Unknown said...

Enjoyed the article. Especially the segue with yesterday's post title.

jodphoto said...

Rockaway Beach is in Queens, no? OUCH.

leroy said...

Excuse me but Rockaway is not in Brooklyn, it's in....

OUCH!

What the heck? My dog just slapped me.

Wonder what that was about.

P. Bateman said...

for those of us unfamiliar with the specific boundaries of the various boroughs, i felt today's post was educational and instructive.

i do think i prefer new orlean's use of the term parish vs borough. when i think of a borough i think of an ass. who want's to live in an ass?

i suppose only astronauts.

The Ramones said...

Chewing out a rhythm on my bubble gum
The sun is out and I want some
It's not hard, not far to reach
We can hitch a ride to Rockaway Beach

McFly said...

"So if you want the child in your life to get off the couch you can always try this book, and at the very least if you throw it at them hard enough it's bound to do something."

I see what you did there. Books are bound.

Anonymous said...

+1000!

dnk said...

Rockaway Beach is Queens's Scranus.

dnk said...

Make that penis. Check the outline on the map.

Anonymous said...

....every detail has been carefully Moldova.

BamaPhred said...

Scranus

Spokey said...

samh at 9:59 AM

well i was born in brooklyn and have never lived west of the hudson or delaware.

i have / had no idea where rockaway beach was other than ny.

Hee Haw the Barista said...

Nobuddy can denny, that's a POS.

Spokey said...

Joe at 10:43 AM

No need for that. Just get the Seatbelt Cutter Emergency Survival Window Glass Breaker KeyChain Tool. It's about 2 1/2 " long so you could just keep it attached to say your tool back zipper. I haven't actually broken a window or cut a seatbelt but the window breaker hurts quite a bit using a thumb for testing.

It detaches quickly by pulling it off the keychain loop. So then you can help the victim of the accident by first breaking the side window and then cutting his seatbelt to get him out of the car before it explodes in flames.

Roille Figners said...

If no storm drain is handy you can just throw the keys down the street as hard as you can. Just don't hit a pedestrian or a Dunkins, cuz that would open up an 18-foot irony vortex that'll swallow you whole.

Phones, you should throw straight down like this.

N/A said...

I think the problem is that we're not running into Dunkin' Donuts with our bikes. I have a theory that if you occasionally ride into the front of a Dunkin's with your bike, the car-driving folks will recognize your solidarity and not see any reason to run you over. It's science, people.

N/A said...

Darby Monger is always running into Dunkin' Donuts, and look at her! No cars running her over.
Delia Ephron has advised her local Dunkin' Donuts not to put any blue icing on any of their donuts, and has worked closely on a seminal eclair project.


I'm seeing more and more of a connection with Dunkin' Donuts and the plight of the bicyclebike commuter's plight. This goes deeper than anybody can imagine!

Going Up said...

You mean the folding bike can help me get laid in an elevator? Even I am a hipstering douchy kind of dude?

CommieCanuck said...

Grabbing the keys from a car and throwing then in a sewer is a thing in Toronto.
The city has yet to hit peak douchebag, but it's pretty close.
Darcy Alan Sheppard tried this a few years ago on a car, but the driver was Provincial Attorney General Michael Bryant, who grabbed his arm, and accelerated Darcy into a mailbox, killing him.
Of course, being rich, white and connected, Bryant got off scott-free by a group of people he used to be boss of. His excuse was he was ascared, and the reputation of the dead cyclist was smeared as well as any dead rape victim. The police even let him go home after the death, untested for alcohol. Then, a few years later, he wrote a book about it, and admitted his rampant alcoholism, while cashing in on book sales on a story of a man he murdered.
So, fuck, Florida got nothing on us.

babble on said...

Florida North. Canada is just one huge wang.

Comment deleted said...

This is probably boring to hear, but that sidecar is the only workable solution I've ever seen to carrying lumber with a bike*.



*This matters to me because the University's excellent woodshop is located in the no-car part of central campus (yes, it makes a great deal of sense).

Comment deleted said...

Oof. OK, it's $4500. I could hire a helicopter to transport my lumber several times for that price.

Anonymous said...

Say what you want about the Denny, but Seattle is a lovely city.

P. Bateman said...

@rollie - i'm glad someone else appreciates that song.

"welcome to the real world jack ass!"

wish i could yell at children like that just for fun.

think that is why my favorite line from bad santa is:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KgoSq_2I8aM

Bob Vila said...

Will a piece of sheetrock fit on the sidecar?

JB said...

Potbelly Joe: I've often thought a 1/2-inch ball bearing would be good to keep in the change cup in my car (that I own). One in jersey pocket could also be useful.

I also fantasize about a RPG launcher on the roof of my Civic.

Big Woody said...

Pssh, my bike carries my wood all the time

Anonymous said...

Cyclist killed in YOLO county.

Yolo.

Dop said...

Seminal Eclairs would be a great name for a donut shop.

Needs a snappy slogan. If you can't come, call?

Gotta work on that

dop said...

Btw.. It was nuts yesterday in Manhattan ...Obama & Putin at the un. Enforcement of traffic patterns varied by neighborhood. On second avenue, close to the un, they cops wouldn't let you an inch over the lane lines, even on a bike. I walked the bike over to Lexington, where the cops were more laissez faire. All the cross streets were closed, but they let bikes go down the empty avenue. It was surreal to ride down lex at 6 pm, normally the rush hour, with no cars and only two other bikes in sight. (Of course, the jay walkers could kill you.

Comment deleted said...

Yeah, I had to write "lumber" twice to head off the inevitable stupid wood joke. Now I've used the word "head", so Beavis, it's your time to shine.

Charlie said...

There are a whole bunch of surfboard bike racks on the market, so it's hard to think this is all that "innovative". Some of these even look like they'd work fine for lumber.

http://www.surfertoday.com/surfing/7716-the-best-surfboard-bike-racks-in-the-world

P. Bateman said...

about to go pick up this all chrome Schwinn voyageur 11.8.

so guess i'm gonna be polishing a lot of chrome.

wait, am i mixing up polishing the knob with sucking the chrome off a trailer hitch?

Anonymous said...

"about to go pick up this all chrome Schwinn voyageur 11.8."

Is it this one?

P. Bateman said...

@anon - yes, well, that model of bike, but specifically this one:

https://spacecoast.craigslist.org/bik/5242329964.html

Roille Figners said...

That's a babe magnet.

N/A said...

Oh man, chrome Voyageur. Post up some pics P. Bateman.

Also: Mother's chrome polish is your friend for shining up all that chrome.

N/A said...

Holy Fuck-O. $120? That's a steal and a half. Good find!

P. Bateman said...

so icey...

we'll see. i think its a little big but seems to be all original and i guess i'm a little hooked on bike projects of late.

i was jealous that snob had soooo many bikes, children, jobs, and i assume wives...and i just had the one bike so trying to catch up.

Glory said...

I'm thrilled that the run-into cyclist tossed the car keys, but Spokey at 12:58 has an even better idea.

But then, I've also been toying with the idea of open-carrying on my bikecycle lately--no need for a permit in my fine state. Thinking a Glock strapped across my back might encourage drivers to give me the three feet to which I am entitled by law.

Anonymous said...

I have seen a picture of a gentleman that was hauling lumber on a trailer attached to his bike. If I had to bet a donut, he was building a (small) house in Portland.

Do a web search of "bike trailer lumber" and a bunch of images pop up. Some of the trailers can be bought, but are pricey.

P. Bateman said...

@glory - i've definitely wanted to add like some artisinally crafted leather holster on the top tube for a small gun because america's wang is a little questionable sometimes (hey, we're number 1 for conceal carry by a big margin).

what scares me though is some silly lapse in attention where i forget to unclip or something lame like that, fall over and get shot in the face. that would be a bummer.

Spokey said...


glory

that's probably good but i feel that a nice revolver makes a better visual statement. either that or a pump gun (or better a side-by-side). anyone can carry a glock or something similar looking but a revolver imparts that slightly crazy don't mess with me air. the shotguns are better but i guess i could concede that they are a tad cumbersome.

Spokey said...

bateman

only if you ride upside down. otherwise wouldn't you shoot yerself in the balls? not sure which is worse of course.

Anonymous said...

If I were the cyclist in Toronto I'd claim self defense; the SOB hit me once, how did I know he wouldn't come after me again? My only reasonable choice was to disable his/her car to protect myself. If the guy Commie Canuck referenced got off because he was "scared" this excuse should work perfectly.

PotbellyJoe said...

@Spokey and Bateman,

I feel like the shotgun with the strap like the protection in Italy wore in the Godfather would be great for a touring ride.

Comment deleted said...

Charlie and Anon...thanks for the tips. Surfboard racks, who knew? And I could have sworn I already googled "bike trailer lumber", but there it is.

I also should have known Portland would totally have this under control.

dop said...

Very hard for the cyclist in Toronto to claim self defense after he was dead

N/A said...

@ dop:
Well, sure, if he's going to be some kind of woosie.

Comment deleted said...

How is going to turn?

Comment deleted said...

[he]

P. Bateman said...

i think i've either just bought myself a little project that i will actually finish and be very happy with or it is a project that will be fun for the first week or so but will then sit stagnant after i've tired of scrubbing and polishing and scrubbing and polishing and inhaling all manner of bad shit.

pretty sure it will go one of those two ways.

good news is that all the original bits are there and they are in really good shape. these dia compe brake levers that are factory drilled with all the cool tiny holes are very snappy and totally good shape and all the shimano stuff is working well.

will find out if the original gold shimano chain is still on here. right now its a caked up greasy mess.

bad news is that this frame is indeed too big (hmmm...ive got that other 650b wheelset...) and the chrome is a hot ass mess.

but it was cheap and he actually said he'd give me $20 back if i didnt want this ugly fake brooks saddle he through on.

Anonymous said...

Kleen Kanteen. I beat the crap out of some jerk who tried to jack my bike at a stop light. Should work a few dents into the junk we make cars out of these days.

Calo said...

"I feel like the shotgun with the strap like the protection in Italy wore in the Godfather"

Il mio fucile da caccia, è la lupara, il migliore amico di un soldato della mafia (dopo la sua santa madre.)

That Guy said...

Did somebody say "monocle" and "oil lamp"? I was just dusting off my Victorian garb for a little cosplay "tweed" ride, but I could be convinced to sit a spell.

babble on said...

Master Bateman. A good man I know is addicted to that very process, the stripping, the polishing, the rebuild. He is now the curator of an impressive collection of gorgeous bicycles and each and every one of them was truly a labor of love.

It's such a rewarding pastime because when all is said and done you have something beautiful to use, or share or just hang on the wall and look at. And sooner or later you will have to start hanging them on the walls, cause there isn't anywhere else to put em.

P. Bateman said...

i threw the shiny 650b wheels that i didnt wind up using last time on there and they look great. and now the stand over height is a lot less ball crushingly uncomfortable.

unlike last project, i'll just clean up the original bits and pieces rather than replacing every single damn thing. hopefully that keeps this from turning into a big pain in the $$$wallet.

that said i have already been researching chrome replating and i was just thinking how nice this shiny campy group laying here in my office would look on there. so that has me worried.

cool bike though. like this thing a lot. took it for a spin. rides nice.

Anonymous said...

Scrunched-up kitchen foil does a great job of cleaning up sad-looking chrome. Just scrunch an A4-sized sheet in your hand and rub the chrome gently with it, as if using a soft pan scourer. Cheap and very effective.

dop said...

Getting ready to board that red, white, and green jet in a few minutes ( shout out to Oxford comma fans) on Sunday I will complete a rare double and become the first man to ride L'Eroica and the grand fondon't in a calendar year)

Ciao tutti ( that means everyone eat)

Anonymous said...

Babble "A good man I know is addicted to that very process, the stripping, the polishing..."

Thereafter I thought sure she was going to take that in a different direction.

Can't Ceader Forest For The Trees said...

It's fir sure one wood knot want to carry lumber on a bike. It's not a thing that I would ever pine for. I would just be board.

Can't Cedar Forest For The Trees said...

No 'a' in cedar. I made one shingle mistake.

Anonymous said...

Ditto to my living in Routt County Colorady. I've considered custom jerseys that have an arrow and "pistol"

wishiwasmerckx said...

CCFFTT, I have stayed at Ceader's Palace, but I am not sure that the actual Ceader ever lived there.

Can't Cedar Forest For The Trees said...

I always tend to exaggerate the trunk size of our trees out here in British Columbia... I guess you could say I hyperbole.

Pengobatan Kanker Serviks paling Alami Ampuh said...

kereeeeeeeeennnnnnnnnnnn
]

BBnet3000 said...

It would be a struggle to get that sidecar bike across the Marine Parkway Bridge.

Anonymous said...

Shoulda thrown the driver down the drain after the keys.

JB said...

Just throw the keys 50 yards (50.1 metric yards) down the street. The asshole's got to go get them immediately. Meanwhile, you piss on his front seat.

JLRB said...

But then, I've also been toying with the idea of open-carrying on my bikecycle lately--no need for a permit in my fine state. Thinking a Glock strapped across my back might encourage drivers to give me the three feet to which I am entitled by law.

So might the driver just look at the glock and say I think I'll run this freak over so he doesn't shoot me?

Agent 99 said...

Oh Max!

Spokey said...


one of the tricky bits (as opposed to naughty bits) here is the driver seeing you.

we have been taught both as drivers and cyclists that we go / aim for what we're looking at. thus the directives for looking at coming out of curves and things like that.

well we also want drivers to notice us. we hear a lot of "didn't see him" from drivers having just mowed down a cyclist or pedestrian. seems like this is the between a rock and a hard place (admittedly i've never had any idea what that literally means).

so a driver will run you over because he doesn't see you, but if he is looking at you, the same driver will naturally steer towards you.

we're just screwed i guess.

Unknown said...

vsk said ...

I'll congratulate the 100th !





vsk


Spokey said...

hey

really appreciate that. didn't even realize it. but i do know i'm slipping so it's not as bad as if i didn't know i was slipping.

Jobz Boner said...

Pray away the gay.

SIDE HACK said...

Everyone knows that sidehacks have a crossbar for your monkey to hang onto.

Horse Cycles is to be commended, but they gotta make that platform useful for teamwork!

Unknown said...

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