Sorry I'm late, my Apple watch doesn't work due to my cold blood and reptilian epidermis.

Well, the World's Most Powerful Fred has made headlines again:

("Have I?  What did I do, mate?")

No, silly.  That's not the World's Most Powerful Fred.  This is the World's Most Powerful Fred:

(I mean the one on the left.  The one on the right is The World's Most Self-Important Fred.)

Indeed, Secretary of State John Kerry's cycling exploits have been fraught with drama this year.  First, back in March, there was his geopolitically metaphorical derailleur malfunction:

"The Swiss police came in and told me they needed an urgent repair on a gear-change mechanism," Schumann told AFP on Wednesday.

Which Washington pundits attributed to his tendency to cross-chain:

And which he almost certainly used to rationalize purchase of a full electronic Campagnolo Super-Ultra-Deluxe Electronic Record upgrade to his wife, Teresa Heinz Kerry:

(Teresa Heinz Kerry finally green-lights purchase of a new component group after weeks of wheedling and cajoling.)

"C'mon, a Stealth Bomber costs $550 million each and all I want to buy is a stupid derailleur," sources overheard Kerry say to his wife at a fundraising banquet.

Now, just as the cycling season is getting succulent, the unfortunate Kerry has crashed and broken his femur:

“Secretary Kerry broke his right femur in a bicycling accident this morning in Scionzier, France,” Mr. Kirby, the State Department spokesman, said in a statement. “Given the injury is near the site of his prior hip surgery, he will return to Boston today to seek treatment at Massachusetts General Hospital with his doctor who did the prior surgery.”

Ouch.

This crash will have global implications, for it means Kerry missed the big ISIS meeting:

Mr. Kerry, 71, had been scheduled to fly to Madrid on Sunday afternoon for an official visit there. He was then set to travel to Paris for a meeting on Tuesday of foreign ministers from the coalition the United States has assembled to confront the Islamic State, also known as ISIS or ISIL.

Though maybe that's for the best, as Kerry's comparisons of ISIS to the hated ISIS splined bottom bracket interface have largely passed over the heads of his fellow statespeople:

("If we don't act now to stop ISIS, the region will fail catastrophically, and our collective crotches will be on a collision course with the top tube of destiny."--Kerry to a befuddled United Nations General Assembly.)

Anyway, if anybody ever doubted Kerry's Fredly credentials, this ought to silence them:

Mr. Kerry had left Sunday morning open in case his Saturday talks with the Iranians were extended. But those talks ended Saturday afternoon, and on Sunday morning Mr. Kerry decided to cycle a route that had been part of the Tour de France using a bicycle that he had brought with him.

Canceling a dentist appointment and then heading out for a few laps in the park because you already took the afternoon off work =10 Fred Points.

Nuclear talks finish early so you go climb the Col de la Colombière = 1,000 Fred Points:

Agence France-Presse, quoting French officials, said that Mr. Kerry had coordinated the cycling trip with the local authorities. Mr. Kerry fell as he was riding at a low speed at the start of a challenging climb up the Col de la Colombière, the report said.

And of course crashing at the start of the climb = 10,000 Fred Points.

Fortunately, Kerry is in good spirits, and I'm sure he's already planning to use the incident as the foundation for an eventual disc brake upgrade.

By the way, it's only a matter of time before some idiot declares that Kerry is being irresponsible by riding a bicycle--you know, like they already do in the Least Cycling-Friendly Nation On the Planet:

Prime Minister Tony Abbott has been advised to give up cycling or face an accident by his recently retired doctor.

Dr Graeme Killer, who was also the former personal physician to the likes of Prime Ministers Paul Keating, John Howard and Kevin Rudd, told The Australian: ‘One day he’ll come off.’

Dr Killer made the stern warning after retiring on Christmas Eve.

Right.  Because nothing bad can happen to you while you're swimming.

By the way, here's why the ironically-named Dr. Killer hates cycling so much:

Dr Killer’s son, a keen cyclist, suffered an accident that left him needing a shoulder replacement after someone opened a car door into him.

Or, maybe people could look before opening their fucking car doors.

Meanwhile, the Giro d'Italia has ended, and as you can see cycling has left its sordid past behind and entered a new era:

(Where have I seen this guy before?)

Also, there's surely nothing suspicious about Contador going for the Giro d'Italia-Tour de France double, because that surely doesn't require drugs at all:

"Partly I feel, too, that no matter how difficult the Tour de France is, another Tour de France, won by itself, wouldn't add much to my palmares. But winning the Giro and Tour in the same year would put things on another level."

Just ask this guy:

"Another level" indeed.

Meanwhile, Ryder Hesjedal feigned outrage when they checked his bike for a motor:

“It’s the stupidest thing,” a visibly irritated Hesjedal told a gaggle of reporters, shortly after his bike was hauled off into a tent after ascending Stage 18’s final climb.

And:

“It’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard of,” Hesjedal said. “It’s not possible. It’s just not possible.”

No, it's totally possible, and that's why they're checking.  Come on, we all saw your bike, it was spinning like a goddamn breakdancer.  Even Greg LeMond says so, and he's the John the Baptist of saying crazy shit about cycling that turns out to be exactly right:

“I know that motors exist, I’ve ridden a bike with one and I’ve met the inventor and talked about it. If people think they don’t exist, they’re fooling themselves, so I think it’s a justified suspicion. I believe it’s also been used in the peloton. It seems too incredible that someone would do it, but I know it’s real,” he said.

Just don't point out that he rode one of the fastest time trials in history or that he made a "miraculous" comeback after being shot, because there's nothing suspicious about any of that.

I do like LeMond's solution though:

“To make sure it doesn’t happen, I don’t think there should be bike changes in races. Period. Unless you have a real mechanical problem. It’d take away the suspicion. I just hope the UCI is doing the right thing. Fifty or 100 watts is nothing for a motor. If you’re say riding at 400 watts on a climb, an extra 50 watts means minutes on a climb and there’s no real weight penalty.

Not only do I love anything that makes life more inconvenient for bike racers, but the sport also badly needs more heat guns--or, failing that, Greg LeMond running around at the Tour de France with a hairdryer.

Finally, a reader has forwarded me the most sexist line of mountain bikes ever created:

Female cyclists do not generally need to push their limits, race against time and increase their adrenaline when riding rough downhill trails. They just want to enjoy the time spent in nature on the bike, and their expectations from the bike are completely different than men's. They look mainly for safe, easy and, of course, stylish bikes that have good and natural handling.

I KNOW, RIGHT?!?

Idiots.

Anyway, the bike company appears to be based in the Czech Republic, which is right next door to Slovakia, home to this guy:

Maybe he writes copy in the off-season.