Are you freaking kidding me?
Not only is the cable itself gossamer thin, but the lock itself is attached to the goddamn water bottle cage! Really, the only thing that makes this even slightly more effective than waiting for a spider to spin a web between your bike and the rack, or else just using dental floss, is that it has a motion-sensing alarm:
However, please keep in mind that in a big city nobody gives a shit about alarms of any kind, and in a small town if some busybody gets in your business while you're busy removing some sucker's water bottle cage then all you need to do is give them the finger and be on your way.
On the other end of the effectiveness spectrum is the "Litelok," to which I was recently alerted by the inventor:
I gotta say, it doesn't look too bad:
So let's see:
1) It's light;
2) It's strong (or at least it purports to be);
3) It looks a little bit more versatile than a U-lock;
4) It's mechanical.
If it's as strong as they say it is, and if you can also use it as a belt or a pant cuff retainer, then they may very well have designed themselves a winner.
Of course, if you prefer detective work to prevention, the other approach when it comes to combatting bike theft is tracking your bike. This is where Bike Angel comes in:
Peter's genteel voice soothes and comforts me, so much so that I am only mildly concerned when he produces a caucasian flesh-colored object with somewhat phallic proportions:
"...this particular object will make your life so much easier."
Yeah, right. Where I have I heard that before?
("Don't you a-worry. Thees a-parteecular object a-gonna make-a you life sooo maaatch easier!")
Nine months later and suddenly life is exponentially more complicated.
Then Peter throws it over to his friend Eric, who is in bed with Julie:
Soon Eric falls asleep, at which point Julie tip-toes over to the drawer:
From which she withdraws a "3D printed prototype" of the phallic object Peter was holding earlier:
Holy shit, Eric's gonna get pegged in his sleep!!!
What the hell kind of Kickstarter is this, anyway?!?
The next morning, Eric is understandably sore while mounting his bicycle:
Meanwhile, Julie stalks him:
Thanks to the GPS transmitter embedded in his anus:
Jule tracks Eric to Amsterdam's notorious red light district:
("I'm just interested in some socks like the ones you've got.")
Julia then texts Eric and asks his whereabouts, and Eric replies with a bullshit answer:
(I'd have said I was at the Anne Frank house.)
Understandably pissed, Julie steals Eric's bike while he's inside trying on socks:
But she brings it back that evening and they kiss and make up, because after all, this is Amsterdam:
By that evening all is forgotten, and the cycle of pegging begins anew.
Speaking of hiding the sausage, here's an ideal solution for all your cured meat-portaging needs:
You can even use it on your Fredcycle:
It's great for carrying blood bags--and while we're on the subject of blood transfusions, one person who looks like she could use one is the exceedingly tired and ossified Fran Leibowitz, who a reader informs me recently made some comments on the subject of bicycles:
You know when George Plimpton died, someone told me, 'He was so eccentric. He used to ride his bike in a suit and tie!' and it drove me crazy. I said, 'What's eccentric is the bicycle. Everyone here used to wear suits and it was lovely! But only children rode bicycles.' The trademark of New York City fashion used to be that we dressed more seriously here. More formally. Now people need special costumes to ride bicycles. I mean, a helmet, what, are you an astronaut??
I'm not sure what point she's trying to make here, though she's gone on record before about how she thinks riding bikes is "childish." (I imagine Bill Cunningham would beg to differ.) Also, everybody knows George Plimpton rode a Y-Foil:
My predecessor George Plimpton was known for cycling around New York on his Trek Y-foil before it was either cool or safe (before, some would say, it was sane).
Inadvertently tricking the Paris Review into thinking George Plimpton rode one of these contraptions is undoubtedly the high point of my bike blogging career:
I mean come one, everybody knows Plimpton really rode one of these:
Granted, it does look a bit like a Y-Foil, so I suppose it's an honest mistake.
Lastly, in their continuing effort to clean up cycling (one akin to cleaning an oil spill with a Q-tip), the UCI checked 36 bikes for motors at Milan-San Remo:
Cyclingnews understands that 11 Trek bikes from the Trek Factory Racing team, 11 Specialized bikes from Etixx-Quick Step and 11 Specialized bikes from Tinkoff-Saxo were checked by the UCI in a special tent erected in the bus parking area. The bikes of the three podium finishers: John Degenkolb (Giant), Alexander Kristoff (Canyon) and Michael Matthews (Scott) were also checked in the podium area. Gazzetta dello Sport reported that bikes from the Astana were also tested, but the team has told Cyclingnews that their bikes were not.
Laugh if you will, but I have no doubt somebody's doing it:
Come on, that bike is so motorized.
Good morning, nice post
ReplyDeleteWooooo-hoooo-hoooo
ReplyDeletevier
ReplyDeleteI know the kind of man Fran is looking for...
ReplyDeletebonjour!
ReplyDeleteYes, Fran, I am an astronaut. Not a robot, an astronaut. I still like the judge character she played on Law and Order, though.
ReplyDeleteOn my ride to work this morning I passed a couple of joggers, guys who looked to be in their early 20s. I overheard one of them say "I asked my parents to buy me a bike for my birthday." I hope they do, and I hope he puts fenders and a rack on it.
Looks like maybe Eric could use some wife oil.
ReplyDeleteToppus X ?
ReplyDeleteRounding out the top ten?
ReplyDeleteEleventy, Ladies!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteJust got done reading Wikipedia about who the hell Fran Lebowitz is. I read her cranky opinions on style and still had no idea. On the other hand, I expect she has no idea who I am either, so I guess we're even. Wikipedia does say she's a heavy smoker and big advocate of smokers' rights, so perhaps that's part of her pallid look.
ReplyDeletespecial tent erected
ReplyDelete*sinicker
today is a good day - marked by freezing drizzle (frizzle) on the way to work, which kept me relatively dry.
ReplyDeleteBut more importantly, a successful snot rocket launch - always brightens the day, but not to the degree that an aborted launch dampens the mood.
so it goes.
Printemps à Paris
ReplyDeletehttp://www.theguardian.com/world/2015/mar/23/paris-smog-pollution-emergency-measures-traffic
I liked Fran in the Big Lebowski, especially the naked bits.
ReplyDeleteI guess if that was Julianne Moore then it must have been satire or something.
Mid pack finish. sausage secure though!
ReplyDeleteFran Leibowitz is hawt? or is that just me?
ReplyDeleteAnyhoo...it turns out some German reporters found a shop somewhere in Europe that was building hidden motors into bikes that looked like they belonged to UCI teams, but the shop just said, "no no no, these are replicas, not for real racing, oh no, definitely not, well, yes".
Long story short, Mr 60% name might be changed to Mr. Duracell or Mr. 60 watts.
Check this shit out
Ridiculous, right?
Lance never tested positive.
Franny-Poo is 4 years older than my father and 87 times more crotchety. It must have something to do with her being born and raised in Morristown, NJ. Bikes have made a point of annoying people there.
ReplyDeleteMorristown is also the start point for the NJ Gran Fondo. So these are what most Morristowners think about when they hear "Cyclists."
Which brings me to another point, When and Where is the NY FONDON'T?
Julie The Stalker has AMAZING tits and apparently the Kickstarter video producers know it.
ReplyDeleteSo about the LiteLok. This kid had a slightly different approach to the metal-fiber bike lock. And the kid’s Kickstarter video interesting shows why a metal/fiber lock may be harder to cut or break that straight metal.
ReplyDeleteJulie The Stalker has AMAZING tits and apparently the Kickstarter video producers know it.
ReplyDeleteCan attractive people REALLY be considered stalkers?
I love the way the UCI takes "mechanical doping" so seriously. There's nothing to find, and they know it. Until Elon Musk invents the mini-fusion reactor, that is.
ReplyDeleteI am a robot.
That Kadalock has a "Pledge $1" level which has the reward of "Your name will be listed on our website." It currently has 2 backers at that level. What are the chances those two names will be Antonio and Bruno Ricci.
ReplyDeletegood one Fran! astronaut! hilarious! so I guess football and baseball players are also astronauts, so are construction workers, motorcyclists, soldiers, jockeys, knights, skiers, cricketers, firemen, Vikings, etc.
ReplyDeleteI laughed till my sides hurt at Snobs re-imaging of the Bike Angel Kickstarter. It is much more likely than the original Kickstarter, and all is well that ends well. But I imagine, IRL, that the bike return would end in some sort of physical and verbal abuse.
ReplyDelete#1 - Stalker Julie has terrific boobage. More of that, please.
ReplyDelete#2 - why the fuck do people want to be able to just send their imaginary friends some unlock code for their bike? I wouldn't trust my imaginary friends to not break something or lock it back up properly..and if they can succeed in those endeavors, surely they have their own bike.
#3 - that other lock is awesome. I was going to back it, then converted British pounds to the USD and realized if I even had to money, I would have to choose between another Brooks and that lock. Tough choice, indeed. It will have to go on my xmas list.
#4 - I want to honka honka Julie's boobs.
Nice Italian accent.
ReplyDeleteBryan - if you want to "honka honka" Julie's boobs, you're gonna have to get in line behind me. Those things are fuckin' magnificent.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, I am not even certain that video is SFW. I damn near pup tented.
I love the way the UCI takes "mechanical doping" so seriously. There's nothing to find, and they know it.
ReplyDeleteYa might want to look at this linky.
Find "mechanical" and replace with "Lance" and you have ~200,000 internet comments from 2007-10.
...stands in line...
ReplyDeleteWhere can I buy a LiteLok?
ReplyDeleteAnd second, I thought the jury was still out on that "motorized bike" vid. Last I saw, you showed us a clip that had a guy proving that the bike could spin happen without a motor.
Oh and thanks, Snob, for the gratuitous shot of Julie the Stalker.
ReplyDeleteJulie - Didn't she star on Leave it to Cleavage?
ReplyDeleteat least Julie the stalker doesn't look like stalker patti.lite lock...we shall see.
ReplyDeleteyou're welcome.
Thanks, Commie.
ReplyDeleteIlluminating video.
Commie - Seems compelling - or was he just shifting? But the burst of speed, seated in saddle compared with competitor standing on pedals is interesting.
ReplyDeletePart of me thinks cheating with a mechanical bike is worse than doping - there can be a thin line between dope and diet/supplements/horse meat, etc., and the body still has to do the work. A little motor is just flat out direct cheating.
Where do I get one?
I totally belevied that the Manson quote was true too! What else is fake here?
ReplyDeleteNext rumor to plant in mainstream media- Jonathon Vaughters hunts the homeless on a secluded ranch in the mountains.
ReplyDeleteLet's do a shot every time someone's comment references Julie's Epic Cleavage.
ReplyDeleteSoooooooooo how bout' them boobies of Julies?
Abus Steel-o-Chain. Good for medium duty city use. I wouldn't lock my bike up overnight with it here in NYC but has served me well. long enough to lock both wheels, light and easy to carry bandolier style.
ReplyDeleteSNOB,
ReplyDeleteInventor may have told you about it, but I did too, in comments after last Thursday post:
SYLIC said...
Snob, in your professional opinion do foresee any issues with this >
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/189084529/litelok-lightweight-flexible-and-super-secure-bike
March 19, 2015 at 12:19 PM
Anyways, thought I should mention it.
Down here, the war on bikes is turning scary. Not even a fat bike could conquer that.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.popville.com/2015/03/holy-moly-avoid-the-m-street-bike-lane/
DUCH DARY
ReplyDeleteproducts rule
Much better video proof on the Cancellara motor dope bike.
ReplyDeletePlimpton could not have ridden a bike on eccentricity alone, it would also require concentricity.
ReplyDeleteFred Mercury,
ReplyDeleteThat's no rumor. It's completely true. He used to have homeless hunting weekends and invite other local racers before he turned pro and moved to Europe. He was a crack shot too. Bagged many many poor homeless souls. Back in the day it was all catch and release. Who knows what he's doing now. Shudder to think.
”A little motor is just flat out direct cheating.
ReplyDeleteWhere do I get one?”
Here.
Explained here.
Julie is motorized.
ReplyDeletei was thunking "just who the fuck is d Fran Leibowitz". matt looking and finding her in wikipedia cured me of my inquiring mind.
ReplyDeletelitelok had me sold until julie started swinging boobies at me.
ReplyDeleteand why haven't i read mcfly offering to put his Bike Angel in her seat post?
so how often do you need to pull your seat, turn your bike upside to dump mcfly's angel out, juice it up again, drop it back in julie's seatpost, reset the seat to the right height, and align the saddle front and aft again? i'm ready for a nap just pondering that.
McFly's Bike Angel - "Find that Shit and Bust it Out!"
ReplyDeleteShe got that Cate Blanchett thing going. I like that Cate Blanchett thing. I just like saying Cate Blanchett...
ReplyDeleteCate Blanchett
Cate Blanchett
Cate Blanchett....
It just rolls around under my tongue.
Joe
ReplyDeletemy brother was president of the morris area freewheelers years ago. although they rode up there, i'd swear they spent more time around this area annoying you and me. a lot of rides left from pluckemin and came this a-way.
if they're keeping up in motown these days i'm glad to know we finally pushed them back outta here.
they did have some nice events though. i snuck in a couple times to the cape may weekend. not many miles each day but the wine flowed and the ferry's between cape may and lewes have fully stocked bars.
I think Kick Starter should have yearly awards like the Emmy's or Grammy's. I'll nominate Julie for "Brest Supporting Actress in a Bluetooth Enables Bicycle Lock Video"
ReplyDeleteI'm in no mood for this shit today. Don't any of you people work?
ReplyDeleteAnd no, I'm not a fuckin' robot.
Seriously, though. Does anyone know how to crash the NYC Five Borough Tour? Can you just show up, ride and not take any free food or water?
ReplyDeleteI'M AN ASTRONAUT!
ReplyDeleteFIRE SNOT ROCKETS!
Gotta get me some of those triathlon butt rockets. Ooh, and an aero helment with a face shield! Yeeah!Thanks Fran
Gruber Assist - Thanks
ReplyDeleteI don't really want one - well maybe for my next big cat 6 challenge would I be D'Q'd from the Fondonut if I used one?)
J-HO - I walked by that mess at lunch - was thinking about the need for the pontoon bike set-up to get home...at least that part of the bike lane will be clean tomorrow
ReplyDeleteMore evidence of bike doping.
ReplyDeleteAnd, get your shot glasses ready:
ReplyDeleteJulie's Epic Cleavage
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Top 63?
ReplyDeletehic!
ReplyDeleteepishh cleabaage
signed,
ReplyDelete"understandably sore, but happy...
JLRB - right? Where's the Ark when you need it? On my way into downtown today I saw three cars run a red - not stale!!- light, and one car tripling the 30 km/hr limit on the off-Broadway bike route.
ReplyDeleteAnd all morning, the CBC was warning pedestrians and cyclists to be careful out there, because of the reduced visibility. I could see all of those potential murderers just fine, thank you. And they could see me perfectly well, too. They just didn't give a flying fuck.
JLRB,i'll have another!
ReplyDeleteOK, I watched the doped bike vids (mostly). So where does Cancellara keep the battery? There was no seat pack hanging on his bike. Top tube? Wouldn't the increase in weight be a tip off? And how much does the wattage the bike provide compare to a pro cyclist?
ReplyDeleteAnd no, I don't that 50 year old dude could win a Giro stage with a doped bike.
I meant litelok.
ReplyDeleteHeh heh. Yep, Julie's boobies are a thing of beauty, and Peter is here to show you his pretty, little bike Peter. Well now, THAT cheered me up. Cheers, snobums.
ReplyDeleteThe only problem with the bike Peter is that once it has been around a while, bike thieves will check for it the moment they steal your bike. And if they go deep, they may well find your artfully hidden bike dope. Total score for cheaters everywhere....
Snob,
ReplyDeleteGone full Soap Opera. AWESOME! One thing though. More teats please. Thanks.
My favorite "comment" on how much the public cares about alarms was Tim Kazurinsky's Sleepy Boy 2000 SNL skit......
ReplyDeleteSo is having a motor in your road bike equivalent to doping and not testing positive?
ReplyDeletePS - I know where the battery is located.
Wondering About Dope,
ReplyDeleteMechanics already have to add ballast to bikes so they meet the UCI weight minimum, so I don't think the extra weight of a hidden battery would be conspicuous.
--Wildcat Rock Machine
"Hamster Sex in Hamsterdam"
ReplyDelete$29.99 at finer book sellers ...
Okay, BikeMulderNYC, how do you imagine these doped bikes work?
ReplyDeleteNever mind the battery, where's the engine? In the BB, the hubs? Such technology would be quite advanced and it's probably been salvaged from a crashed alien spaceship. What sort of moron would decide the best way to exploit this wondrous find is to cheat in pro cycling!?
Ignore Anon 6:24, I've a serious question.
ReplyDeleteInstead of adding ballast to underweight bikes, why don't they comply by making their bikes more reliable; more puncture resistant tyres, rims that can withstand heavy duty braking without wearing away etc?
Ignore Anon at 6:29 because he clearly doesn't get Biking
ReplyDeleteIs Fran Liebowitz really Tina from Bob's Burgers?
ReplyDeletehttp://vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net/bobsburgerpedia/images/6/6e/Tina_render.png/revision/latest?cb=20130113192209
poc
ReplyDeletewell have you ever seen them together?
What would the love child of Frannie and D Rab look like?
ReplyDeletePathetic Old Cyclist said...
ReplyDeleteIs Fran Liebowitz really Tina from Bob's Burgers?
Nope, she's the sister of Dilbert's office mate Alice.
Jule tracks Eric to Amsterdam's notorious red light district:
ReplyDeleteWho the FUCK is Jule?
Julie's fraternal twin?
I don't even like stalker Julie (her breasts are okay) and I sure as hell don't want Jule stalking me after I've been pegged in my sleep. I think Julie is grooming guys for Jule to kidnap and take to his underground dungeon. This Kiskstarter thing is just a front for sex traffickers!
I mispelt it cuz I don't want Kiskstarter to sue me for libel.
ReplyDeleteThe Triplets of Manhattan. Nothing can freeze your blood like the way they will light up their cigarettes in perfect unison, and then toss off a few ultra-sardonic quips like so many snot rockets. Chosen as resident satirists on the upcoming Belgian Mars Expedition.
ReplyDeleteplease bring back the blue bell helmet guy.
ReplyDeleteLanterne rouge on Wedensday’s run in. (Julie’s Golden Globes - nice as they are - are no match for Babble’s legs!)
ReplyDeleteMy dog once suggested I take style tips from Fran Leibowitz. Good thing I don't believe half the stuff he says.
ReplyDeleteMaybe Julie is making sure Eric will be out for a while in case Mr. Topham Hat needs to come ream her out?
ReplyDeleteKickstarter....more like Dickstarter.
all you preverts just chasing the latest thing.
ReplyDeleteUma and recumbabe still have my affectations.
Eric is just looking for some butt play. If Julie would get down off her damn high horse and come off the corn chute then Eric would stay home.
ReplyDelete"C'mon Jules...let's just put the tip in and see how it feels...."
BUTT PLAY
How fickle we are, Pilgrim Shoes Jenny, then Uma, now Julie. Recumbabe still doesn't care.
ReplyDeletefickle, pickle, julie's tickle
ReplyDeleteHuh. So the German plane that crashed in the alps came down on stage 17 of Le Tour.
ReplyDeleteForget them funbags, they are optional. Julie got that bangin' booty.
ReplyDelete96
ReplyDelete97
ReplyDelete98
ReplyDelete99
ReplyDeletecentury
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeleteIf the German plane crashed with in 1 km of the fish, they get the finish times of those riding with them at the time of the crash.
(too soon?)
WEDS. WEED
ReplyDeleteI used to have to wear a tie at work, but since I wised up and stopped wearing those fucking things I have an excess of silk ties. I have found them to be effective in lieu of a bike lock. I just tie my bike to the nearest parking meter and off I go. They're light and easy to carry and they have to be at least as effective as the Kadalock.
ReplyDeletewhat fish?
ReplyDeleteI was gonna send you a link to that LiteLock like 2 weeks ago, but figured you'd think it was a piece of shit.
ReplyDeleteThey should get more cleavage as part of their kickstarter.
on the helmet laws snob, I am surprised the gun lobby hasn't taken a leaf out of the victim blaming manual and convinced the media to report gun deaths thusly:
ReplyDelete"a man was shot today and died, he wasn't wearing a bulletproof vest"
guns don't kill people, people not wearing bulletproof vests kill people.
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