Thursday, November 20, 2014

Hail Fellow Hel Ment.

As readers of "Rolling Stone" already know (just kidding, nobody reads "Rolling Stone" anymore), details on Bono's bicycle crash in Central Park have finally emerged, and they are not pretty:

While riding his bike through New York's Central Park on Sunday, the singer attempted to avoid another rider and was involved in what doctors have called a "high energy bicycle accident." Bono was rushed to New York-Presbyterian/Weill Cornell Medical Center's Emergency Department and underwent "multiple X-rays and CAT scans" followed by five hours of surgery. 

So who was this other rider?  A Strava segment-hunting Cat 4?  A weaving tourist on a rental bike?  David Byrne and Matthew Modine salmoning on a tandem?  We may never know.  One thing we do know though is that Bono is in pretty bad shape:

The singer suffered numerous serious injuries, including a "facial fracture involving the orbit of his eye," three separate fractures of his left shoulder blade and a fracture of his left humerus bone in his upper arm. The latter injury was particularly damaging, with the bone shattering in six different places and tearing through his skin.

I was sorry to hear this and wish him a speedy recovery.

Of course, whenever anybody is injured on a bicycle, regardless of the circumstances or the nature of the injuries, that means it's time to CUE UP THE MORONS!

Bono suffered injuries more serious than originally reported when he crashed his bicycle in New York’s Central Park on Sunday — and the extent of those injuries suggest the 54-year-old U2 singer may have been riding without a bicycle safety helmet.

Oh shut the fuck up.  The only injury a foam hat might have mitigated was the one to his face--and even then, according to the Snell Foundation, a helment is basically 50% effective in that department.  So basically what this means is that it's exactly as likely that Bono was in fact wearing a helment, which means that Bono's helment is basically the equivalent of Schrodinger's cat.

Plus, the same idiotic "article" then goes on to say this in big letters:

Injuries To Upper Left Arm Appear Most Serious, Broken In Six Places

But yeah, by all means, keep fixating on the helment.

I'd hate to think that, should I meet my fate out there on the mean streets of our metropolis, the media would speculate on my hat status in a similar fashion.  Therefore, for the avoidance of doubt, I've already composed my epitaph:

Sure, I do wear a helment a lot of the time, but I also know it's impossible for anything bad to happen to me while I have one on, so the epitaph will surely be accurate.

And if I must go, please let it be this way:

("The victim was not wearing a helment, and says to blow him."--The Daily Victim-Blamer)

Anyway, my biggest fear in all of this is that it turns out Bono was not wearing a helment, he gets all contrite about it after his recovery, and starts advocating for helment laws just as vigorously as he promotes his charity work.

Now that would really suck.

Speaking of helments, designers continue to attempt to disguise them as hats, and here's the latest attempt:

It's certainly better than some of the other ones I've seen, but it still makes you look like you're riding a horse:


Not that there's anything wrong with that:

Now that's what I call "portaging."

Meanwhile, up in Halifax, a reader tells me the undead corpse of Margaret Thatcher is tryijng to get a bike licensing scheme going:

A Dartmouth councillor thinks it's time to consider licensing adult cyclists who are 18 years old and older.

"I think there would be more control over what they'd do. They'll be identified," said Gloria McCluskey.

"You're out there and you see them — no helmets, no lights."

McCluskey said the money raised from the licences could be used to pay for more bike lanes.

Hey McCluskey:

If you see them, then what's the problem?


Not to mention they already tried that and it didn't work:

But the co-owner of Cyclesmith, a bike shop on Agricola Street in north-end Halifax, said he remembers when the city used to issue bike licences in the 1970s. Mark Beaver said the program was shut down because it cost more than it brought in.

Then again, they didn't have the "Smart Hat" back then, so there's that:

Sometimes the technology just has to catch up with society's desire to oppress--though evidently the schmuck who came up with this thing still needs money:

We have the skills to fully develop smart hat and we are looking for interested parties to assist us in modest funding, co-developing & branding this exciting new product together.

Oh, please, let there be a Kickstarter!  Pleezpleezpleezpleez...

By the way, when I plugged the term "Smart Hat" into a popular Internet search engine, the first thing that came up was this:

I'm fairly certain that's what Bono was wearing when he crashed.

Lastly, even though cycling may be stagnating in Portland, and even though they're only the #4 bike city now, and even though nobody even cares about Portland anymore now that there are cooler white people cities like Des Moines, they're not giving up.  Well, I mean yes, they're giving up on bikes, but they're not giving up on being #1 when it comes to riding around town on non-motorized stuff with wheels.  Instead, they're moving on to skateboards:

As we wrote last year in an interview with the group’s founders, the rise of skateboard transportation has been driven in part by rapid advances in skateboard technology. And as NWSC members Cory Poole and Tessa Walker explained in a podcast episode last winter, that’s only one of the parallels between the skateboarding and bike transportation movements.

Wait a minute. "Rapid advances in skateboard technology?"  It's a freaking board with wheels.

Let me know when they're using skateboards to deliver soup.


«Oldest   ‹Older   201 – 203 of 203
Wanda Branson Wasson said...

I never believed in these blank ATM cards because it sounds too good to be true,but everything changed when i was in financial debts and needed money urgently. I tried getting a loan to clear my debts i got scammed twice, and things became worse than ever!! But i finally got help from these Ghost hackers located here in USA. I emailed them requesting for the blank ATM card and they told me it’ll be delivered within 72 hrs, i paid the required fees and today i am glad i give it a try because i never believed in any of these until now. If you need one then email these hackers

Clara jonez said...

I found a way to live above my financial challenges after loosing my job with no hope of providing for my family. With Christmas approaching and still no hope i decided to go online in search for a job and i found posts about and how they help provide blank atm card in less than 3 days and capable of making cash withdrawal up to $70,000 monthly. At first it sounded like a scam to me cos i saw some other reviews talking about how they lost money to some companies i just decided to give this a try as i was already down and out and i made all necessary payments and verily verily i got my card delivered at the exact date and its effectiveness was not short of what i was told its been 3 weeks of blissful usage and i decided to tell the world about this awesome experience. You can contact this company to get yours via

martins said...

Am here to testify how Mr Martins helped me with the blank ATM CARD to become a millionaire . He is a wonderful hacker which i mailed about the BLANK ATM CARD . I was in financially difficulties till i got these card delivered to me after paying for it . The card was shipped to me in 24 hrs and i have withdraw $400,000 already, $4,000-$20,000 daily. Now i have my financial freedom , you can also be rich by contacting him via email . These is the most easiest way to become a millionaire in few days. Here is the email if you truly need ONE of this card. ( 100% REAL.

«Oldest ‹Older   201 – 203 of 203   Newer› Newest»