Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Ready, set...read!

Firstly, the New York Times ran a nice little story about the Tour's Lanterne Rouge:

I haven't been watching the TV coverage, so I have no idea if Phil Liggett has used any cringeworthy terms to describe his ethnicity yet.

Secondly, Alexander Vinokourov doesn't want to talk about the past:

“2007 is in the past and I don’t want to return to that topic,” Vinokourov said flatly, before pointing to Astana’s membership of the Movement for Credible Cycling (MPCC) as a sign of its good faith.

"Instead, I'd like to bypass 2007 altogether and go straight back to 1978, which is the last time my outfit was fashionable," Vino added:

(Vino played Whitey the Pimp in the 1976 cult blaxploitation film "Dolemite II: The Human Tornado.")

In other news, Woody Allen designed a bike, and he's already raised well over $300,000:

("May I interject one statement at this juncture? And I don't mean to be didactic or facetious in any way.")

According to Woody, this perfectly ordinary bike embodies a "new concept in cycling."  Check it out:

Okay.  The bike looks fine.  But how is this in any way a "new concept in cycling?"  I mean sure, it is made of an exotic material called "aluminum," which has never been used for bikes before.  This "makes the frame lightweight:"

Which is essential when fleeing to the safety of your Brooklyn brownstone after you scuff somebody's Jordans:

By the way, I don't know about you, but after a hard ride I always chug a carton of orange juice:

Another way this bike is completely different (at least according to the director of classics such as "Manhattan" and "Annie Hall") is that it has a comfy seat, upright handlebars, and three speeds--a combination which no bicycle company in the history of bicycle companies has ever attempted:

And, in a bold example of innovation that could only come from a clarinetist of Mr. Allen's stature, the bike is equipped with a coaster brake only:

See, some companies selling comfortable upright bikes with three speeds give you both a coaster brake and a handbrake for the front wheel.  However, the Priority does away with the extra stopping power, which you'll appreciate when you're coming off one of the East River bridges and immediately merging with heavy automobile traffic.

And of course it's got a belt drive:

(That's a lotta chainring bolt spacers.)

"One of the most unique features of our bike is the belt drive.  Harley Davidson started using belts in their motorcycles in the '80s and has never looked back."

Harley Davidson should not be held up as a paradigm for anything except their uncanny ability to speak directly to the sad leather-clad yearnings of middle-aged lawyers whose idea of an "upgrade" is amplifying the sound of flatulence as they ride.

But Woody really crossed the line with this one:

Theft Deterrent - We know you’ll fall in love with Priority, and we want to do anything we can to keep our bikes with their proud owners. By using bolts instead of quick releases, Priority makes it more difficult for thieves to disassemble parts. You'll still have to lock up your bike, but bolts are a precaution Priority has taken to make theft more difficult.

Oh come on now.  What bike like this does feature quick releases?

Actually, I can think of one, and it's the Priority:

(Pretty sure that's a quick release.)

That's an ethical mobius strip akin to the plot of 1989's "Crimes and Misdemeanors."

Lastly, a reader tells me the Wall Street Journal has published an article about "Zoobomb," complete with short film:

In which you'll see that participants begin their ride with a cry of "Three...two...one...Zoobomb!!!"

I have a strict rule whereby I don't take part in any event in which people shout the name of the event in unison.  This is because I have an inherent fear of "groupthink," and know there's a very fine line between "Portlandia" and "Dystopia."

Here's the Zoobomb "monument:"

When I first saw this pile of crap in person during a visit to Portland some years ago, I thought it was an aesthetically objectionable Tower of Tetanus.  However, as a parent, I now understand the Portland city government's rationale here.  See, I know I shouldn't let my kid leave his toys in the living room, but the fact is that I'm kinda lazy and I don't want to deal with the whining, so I do anyway.  And that's exactly what's going on here.

Also, check this out:

Tattoos and tzitzit?  Only in Portland:

He's either the World's Hippest Orthodox Jew, or he saw those things on a visit to Brooklyn and thought they looked cool.

Lastly, carrying your helment on your head with the straps unfastened is the lowest form of helment portaging:

(Charity ride chic.)

Though they may just be trying to emulate the ever-so-trendy payos look.


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Spokey said...

good contest gents

JLRB said...

200 again!

Disconnected said...

I once bought a chain and it was suppose to come with a master link that was artfully called the 'missing link'. When I opened the box, the chain was there and a little plastic bag with instructions but the master link was... missing.

True story.

JLRB said...

And Spokey, please use the past tense when referencing my lost mind. Thank you

Spokey said...

ok snobbie can post now

crosspalms said...

Another round of orange juice for everybody

Anonymous said...

A little work breaks out and the double century passes me by.

Orestes Munn said...


"Covered area", if you don't know, is a military term referring to an area indoors or out, where covers (hats) need not be worn and salutes need not be rendered. I was just being silly and twisting everyones' tzitit. I have been known to wear a helminth all kinds of places.

Speaking of which, I forgot to put mine on this morning and actually went back two blocks to get it because I felt uncovered.

dancesonpedals said...

wrm is waiting for the opening act cheering to stop, before posting

well astssf

Anonymous said...

If you haven't helped maintain the pile you don't even deserve to bomb.

Researching the payos look was interesting, I like the one where they curl it up behind the ears.

McFly said...

I just got done maintaining a pile.

McFly said...

It was even curled up. A little.

I do not, however, remember eating corn.

JLRB said...

How does one maintain a pile of lil' bikes? What kind of time commitment is involved? Training? Educational requirements? Is this a growing field?

Spokey said...

is snobbie waiting for us to sprint for a triple crank?

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Wrapped up like a deuce.

Anonymous said...

I call bullshit on Zoobomb and everyone and everything associated with it, in every way, forever.

Anonymous said...

Press the send key, Snobby. Can someone see if he is sober?


Spokey said...

maybe he had a second bowel of froot luips and is maintaining his own piles

Spokey said...


I'm going to have to miss the podia and go turn some petals that I own. Fortunately no dik breaks here.

when I get back if I'm still erkurd, I'll make some piles myself

America said...

BSNYC is just jelly cuz he doesn't have a city-funded sculpture in NYC dedicated to him.
fucking whiner faggot.
Tame Hawk is also a faggot whiner.
Go ride your fixies and deliver a package to Wall Street.

Roadbeardy said...

You'll also notice that in the opening scene of the film "American Flyers", orange juice is also the preferred recovery drink.

OldSlowGuy said...

Wish granted: "... fist Chinaman to take part"

Unknown said...

Hi everyone! world's hippest Orthodox jew here, I absolutely love all you're comments! this post and the reassuring post that i'm just a "outlier" is fucking awesome :) Thank you all so much for this cause it truly brings me joy :) Tame dog you're a fuckin whobomber, Nuff said on that....maybe... I truly am jewish and and grew up here in the portland Jewish community and regularly attend services at Temple Beth Israel in downtown Portland, OR but when i do attend i cover my tattoo's to not offend my fellow culture around me and you are more than welcome to attend services with me :) i am a professional sport's athlete and own a tiny skateboard company called MaccaBoards, Come check us out and you can find more about me at www.MaccaBoards.com

And yes tattoo's are not permitted in my culture and i accepted that but i wanted them anyway because at the time of being a teenager i thought they were "cool" which they aren't and may one day be removed.

My tzitzit was purchased at Everything Jewish in portland oregon, i take the 44 bus there weekley for my jew supplies as i constantly make my tzizit's unkosher and damaging my tassels from wearing them during sporting activities, I try to keep them in my pocket when skateboarding or biking but what can you do right?

I would have replied to this sooner but i was camping this weekend for a small vacation and pretty much just got back home.

Zoobomb is vary accepting of everyone and i do encourage people to try it sometime if in the area of Portland,OR. Tame dog has no idea what he is talking about and probably doesn't even zoobomb at all and really just made zoobomb super racist which it isn't and i can really promise you all that.

I love you all and this has been the best experience ever for the internet for me. Thank you :)

And yes i was posing for the camera ;) if the wall street journal was doing a story and you happened to be apart of it you would do the same thing :)

Much love

The world's Hippest Orthodox Jew

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Unknown said...

good article, thankyou
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Anonymous said...

Mark Singer had nailed Trump long ago

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