Friday, December 20, 2013

This Just In: If You Need Me, I'll Be Gone For The Holidays!

Well fuck me, it's that time of year again:

Sure, yes, it's fender time, but it's also Christian Hanukkah, followed by the Roman New Year, which means I'm signing off of this blog until Thursday, January the 2nd, in the year Twenty-Hundred and Fourteen, at which point I will resume regular updates.

Unless I decide to re-imagine this whole enterprise as a foodie blog called "Bite It, You Scum"--which, of course, was also the title of GG Allin's* one and only book.  (Actually, the full title was "Bite It, You Scum: The Complete Compendium of Coprophage Cookery.)

*[Sorry, I should have mentioned that link isn't safe for work, assuming naked men making doody and eating it while shouting obscenities and assaulting audience members is frowned upon in your office environment.  Then again, if you clicked on a link called "GG Allin" and expected it to be safe for work then you're kind of an idiot.]

It could happen.

In the meantime, inasmuch as it's the end of the year (at least according to the calendar which has been foisted upon us by our oppressors, I prefer to follow an ancient system of measuring time based on the menstrual cycles of your local priestess), I've taken some time to reflect.  (Well, I've taken about ten minutes, or approximately a 4,000th of a priestess's menstrual cycle.)  In particular, I flipped back in this blog to about a year ago in order to see how far we've come during that time.  So let's take a look, in a little holiday-themed segment I like to call:

"Same As It Ever Was"

(Hey, that's my line, you dick.)

Take bike tech, for instance.  At around this time last year, a muddy race revealed that disc brakes suck for cyclocross:

Whereas, a few days ago, a cold race revealed that disc brakes suck for cyclocross:

That's a year of trying to push disc brakes on a sport that involves riding around on a closed course for an hour.  Maybe after this they'll start pushing discs for track racing too.

And what about New York City area drivers?  Well, about a year ago one crashed into a Dunkin' Donuts:


Oh, that was the second time that particular Dunkin' Donuts got hit by a driver in six months.

Then, six months after that, another car crashed into another Dunkin' Donuts:

The cabbie lost consciousness while traveling southbound on Prospect Avenue near Westchester Avenue at around 12:45 p.m. and almost struck a 17-year old mom and her 8-month old baby after he hit another car and jumped the curb crashing into a Dunkin Donuts on Prospect Avenue, cops and witnesses said.

Then a month after that another car crashed into another Dunkin' Donuts:

(Wow, good thing they were kosher.)

One person was seriously hurt and four others suffered minor injuries when a car crashed into a Long Island Dunkin Donuts on Thursday afternoon.

It happened about 3:30 p.m. at the location on E. Sunrise Highway in Valley Stream.

Then, a month after that, another car crashed into another Dunkin' Donuts:

As many as eight people were injured, three critically, after a sports utility vehicle smashed into a Jersey City Dunkin’ Donuts yesterday.

And so on and so forth, frankly I got tired of looking.

Anyway, here we are a year later and the streets are still Dunkin' Donuts:

Well, in defense of the drivers, those Dunkin' Donuts franchises do sort of come out of nowhere.  And what is it with these arrogant people who shop at Dunkin' Donuts without wearing helments anyway?

They deserve whatever happens to them.

Moving on to Portland, at the beginning of 2013 Portlanders were losing their shit because it was "cold, to the extent they were writing poetry about it:

January —
The darkest time of the year
the rainiest month
the post-holiday sluggishness —
a bike commuter’s biggest challenge
Festive Christmas light brightened my December commutes
now gone

Leaves, vanished from the trees
dissolved into lingering dark mush on the road

Bitter darkness surrounds me
Blindly, I bang into multiplying potholes

Now it's almost a year later, and guess what?

Perhaps one day Portlanders will come to terms with the fact that winter brings cold and ice with the same inevitability of a car smashing into a Dunkin' Donuts.

Of course, my own life has been similarly stagnant.  For example, around this time last year I was coveting a folding bike:

(Why not just ride the bikes?)

Well, since then I actually did get a folding bike, but I haven't used it in months.

So there you go.

Lastly, it's been almost a year now since Lance Armstrong went on Oprah:

(When I say he "went on Oprah" I mean he was interviewed by her, not that he pulled a "GG Allin" on her.)

And now here we are in a new age of openness, transparency, and cleanliness in professional cycling.

Yeah, obviously that's a joke, Team Sky is totally on drugs, and riders are still blaming meat:

“I can advise that during the period 8th-17th October, before arriving in Japan, I was present in China for the WorldTour race, Tour of Beijing. I understand that it has been acknowledged by the World Anti-Doping Agency (WADA) as well as other anti-doping bodies, that food contaminated with Clenbuterol is a serious problem in China.”

Same as it ever was indeed.

And with that, I wish you, your families, your bicycles, your pets, and even those single unmatched socks in the back of your underwear drawer a nauseatingly joyous holiday season.  Thank you for reading.  I also thank the generous sponsors who have been duped into placing ads in the right-hand margin of this blog, and I hope you will patronize them with your holiday bounty if you are in the market for any of the wares that they offer.

See you again on Tuesday, January 2nd, 2014.

I love you,

--Wildcat Rock Machine


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babble on said...

Mmmm dicks... I spent waaaaaaaaay too much time on that website this morning. Forget the second coming, though - today is a good day for a baker's dozen.

Goodness knows what string theory would have to say about pure dick energy, but my fingers are crossed hoping that every dimension of the space-time continuum has plenty of penises in it.

wishiwasmerckx said...

...or 200th, whatevs...

babble on said...

OMG!! And podioooooo-dio!

This is me, collecting kisses... :D

the commentariat said...

Oh, Babs, you are incorrigible!

Dooth said...

Times Square is filling up with revelers. I'm at my usual spot at the sports bar (myself and a fellow regular, the rest-- tourists) watching a bowl game and old time hockey. I'm raising a pint to you all.


Comment deleted said...

That Boston Globe editorial is extremely well-written. I'm seeing red at the moment.

Watch your backs, folks. They're declaring open season on us.

Oh, and Happy New Year, friends.

McFly said...

And don't forget my personal fave......a new panty pack.

I got her some black UGGS. Whose up for some black furry uggs with white lace panties AND NOTHING ELSE?

Me. That's who.

wishiwasmerckx said...

McFly, I guess that's better than white uggs and furry black panties.

Anonymous said...

I would say they both have their appeal. Speaking of appeal, "Oh hell yeah" and smoochy-smoochy to Babs - here's hoping 2013's end is as sweet as yours.

McFly - I'm sure I don't need to tell you what's next in our hyper-connected cyber-world, but just for the record: deuce + smartingphone = live-tweeting deuce narrative for all the world

We are the world....
We are the children....

Also: Penises.

Everybody stay the hell off the streets tonight if you know what's good for you!

Anonymous said...

Convasayshun Killa!

Was it the penises?

commentatorbot_09743 said...

Closing out the year with a truly epic East Coast bicycle cycling story.

60-something Weekend Warrior popped for EPO, AND unnamed amphetamine, AND unnamed steroid.

That is true Cat 6 glory. Golf clap for Dave. See you in 2 years.

Anonymous said...


McFly said...

OMG. I requested a stroke of 12 intelligence phone photo session with the black furry UGGS and the new jungle print panties and she came back with "Only if I can wear my black scarf....."

Happy New Years guys......Happy New Years.

the commentariat said...

White lace jungle print? Wickity-WHAT

Anonymous said...

DB's New Years Resolutions:
Ride my bike more.
Meet one of the commentariat for a beer.
If my wife leaves me, hook up with Babbles, RQ, Nina or Frillies Mom.
Knuckle tattoos.
Happy New Years, Folks.

leroy said...

Well this is a coincidence.

My dog also resolves this year to ride my bike more.

He also resolves to have each member of the commentariat buy him a beer. He may need a kickstarter campaign for that.

Happy New Year all!

Another Year Another Dollar said...

Babble gets the new year off in fine fashion in the usage of language department with her "end" and "endings". Naughty naughty female of the species. What happens on Wreck Beach stays on Wreck Beach.

Maybe 2014 will give us the return of Frilly Chick!!!

Maybe 2014 will give us more postings from the land of the Road Queen.

Ride, Ride, Ride, Let it Ride said...

Love that Boston Globe article. Every batshit crazy right winger gets a quote in; including Sarah P, of course with her own unique interpretation of the english language. That there are actually people who vote for these morons is what's really scary.

babble on said...

Oh no. My Sidi shoes smell like mildew... should I run them through the dishwasher like you do a stinky lid?

Royal Flush said...

Took some time but I pinched off my first loaf of 2014. Just thought I'd share that with y'all because it was a moving experience for me.

Royal Flush said...

Babble's shoes paled by comparison, I be sure.

RoadQueen said...

WOOT! Babble on top of the 200 podio, with a dick comment, no less!!!!

XOXOXO!!! Podio kisses indeed!

Hope the rest of the commentariat is starting 2014 off as fabulously as me. Hubba hubba.....

Comment deleted said...

Hmm, sounds like you started off the New Year with a bang, RQ. Couldn't happen to a nicer gal.

Catpcha: cornsterp Mobile -- a mid-western data plan?

McFly said...

Roille, I did send the boy a PG13 version of me dropping a deuce at work on the Snap chat and tagged it as a


He was on a ski trip so I was just being jelly.
It's was still pure genius.

mikeweb said...

Happy belated New Years to each and all here!

DB, I saw your missive to the lady friend and no worries at all. sorry to hear of the iPhone debacle.

A happy, healthy and safe 2014 to everyone.

RoadQueen said...

Thanks, CD. It was an awesome evening, to be sure. Bang-WOW!

I'm just glad that my Bang-er puts up with me.

I'm also glad that at least up to this point, neither of us had an adverse reaction to the pork and sauerkraut. That could have gotten embarrassing...


RoadQueen said...

McFly - That IS pure genius. You can always tell when you're having a crap chat with someone on the phone - the echo gives it away.


JB said...


(early doors often after a Snobbatical.

JB said...


Midnite Rider said...

I do not always wrap a random scarf around my significant others' waist......but when I do.........I ride that horsey like I am the Pony Express with an overnite delivery from FedSex.

Stay right on time my friends.

Jasper said...

JB, while you are waiting, you could always take a look at <a href="'>this in todays' Grauniad</a>

Jasper said...

HTML was never my strong suit...

Jasper said...

This in todays' Grauniad

Anonymous said...

My most popular Facebook post ever (when I was on it): "Taking a shit, America." with a photo looking down at my pants around my ankles.

biting social commentary

Oh sure you've heard of Nelson Mandela but have you heard of

Wilson payedba

babble on said...

Another year another dollar... it's true, I am a naughty, naughty girl. And yes, what happens on Wreck stays on Wreck. That's why if you look carefully at my photos, other people's bits are either covered, or unidentifiable.

babble on said...

And did your ass get hacked, McFly?

babble on said...

You guys all stuck in a blizzard or something?

Looks like Rapha's designers took a page from Lululemon's sheer audacity book... they made see through kit for team Sky!

A Friend said...

Babe, let me say this gently, since no one else has, Snob has two new posts and we are missing you.

Unknown said...

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