Bikes Vs. Cars: The Musical!

Yesterday's post elicited the following comment:

Anonymous said...

Snobby,

I'm sure you're well aware your country is in terminal decline and the current shutdown will one day soon be permanent.

All your bridges will be trashed for scrap metal, tunnels will be flooded and boats will be commandeered by the rich to escape to Canada.

When that day comes, the only way to cross your waterways will be on that bicycle/pontoon thing.

Laugh at Water Fred now if you must, but it'll be Water Fred who's laughing all the way to the other side of the river when the shoe is on the other foot.

OCTOBER 2, 2013 AT 5:28 PM

You better believe I'm aware.  That's why I moved to the mainland.  Once the infrastructure crumbles completely (I give it six months) I'm fairly sure I could ride to Canada from here without any water crossings.

But yeah, bummer about the government shutdown, especially the National Parks.  I visited one yesterday and it's really depressing.  With their paychecks frozen the animals just sit around smoking cigars and playing cards:

Pretty mangy-looking critters.  Maybe instead of futzing around all day they should sign up for some Obamacare.

Speaking of the collapse of civilization and of Canada (who really has the most at stake from this government shutdown, since when our country finally implodes we're going to be pouring over your border like water over our failing levees), I was perusing the Kickstarter and came upon this frontrunner for a Smuggie Award:



It's called "BIKES vs. CARS," and even though it wasn't the apocalyptic action movie I was hoping for I did enjoy the Robs Fords porn.  Also, check out this Canadian doing the whole James Bondian deadly-apparatus-slowly-making-its-way-toward-crotch thing:

(When saying "please" and "thank you" fails, Canadians take passivity to the next level.)

Someone really should make a "bikes vs. cars" action movie though, and they need to cast one or both of the Robs Fords as a suppervillain named Tim Horton.

("Suppervillian" was an honest-to-Satan typo but after I made it I realized it was totally appropriate.)

But while many cities in North America take cutesy half-measures like painting lines on the street to pretend they're bicycle-friendly, Calcutta is just saying "screw it" and banning the fucking things:

As you can imagine, their reasoning is quite sound:

"There is just not enough space for all kind of vehicles," says Dilip Kumar Adak, deputy commissioner of the city's traffic police department.

"Cycles slow down traffic and removing them will make the streets safer and traffic speedier.

We're actually doing something similar here in New York City, whereby we're making the city more "livable" by failing to prosecute drivers who maim and kill and eliminating all the affordable real estate for the survivors.

Anyway, elsewhere on Kickstarter I saw this lock, which featured an intriguing sales pitch all the way from Tel Aviv:



First we see some bike thieves:

Obviously with their cocky demeanor, moussed hair, tank tops, gold chains, and cigarettes they're completely indistinguishable from typical everyday Israelis, so the obvious tipoff that they're bike thieves is that one of them is wearing a Band-Aid on his face:

It's amazing how the simple Band-Aid suddenly appears menacing when it's placed above the neck.

Next, they spot their quarry, who is a metaphor for the state of Israel itself:

Which, though small in size, does not hesitate to defend itself when set upon:

First, he takes his lock and whacks one of the thieves in the face:

That guy's going to need a Band-Aid.

Then, the thief attempts to stab the kid with a Henckels kitchen knife:

(Where the hell was that guy hiding the knife block?!?)

I was kind of hoping that after deflecting the blow with the lock the kid would fight foodie with foodie and crush his assailant's finger with a Williams-Sonoma garlic press, but instead he just strangles him:

(Pretty sure that kid's being played by Sacha Baron Cohen.)

All this from the mind of Mickey Shenkerman--who, if nothing else, has a great name for a guy who makes locks:

In fact, I think they screwed up big by calling this thing the "Foldylock," which is way too dainty, when they could have just called it the "Schenkerman," which is actually onomatopoetic and sounds like a lock closing:

("Hey, after we're done humiliating ourselves let's Schenkerman our bikes and get some Voodoo Doughnuts.")

Also, ironically, I'd say the ostensibly humorous Foldylock video makes an even more brazen and controversial geopolitical statement than the "BIKES vs. CARS" documentary.

Speaking of foodie street brawls, here's a Kickstarter for a bicycle touring cookbook:


For the beginner and expert alike, here are some of the things I share:

--A detailed list of cooking equipment and basic tools to bring along.

--Why you need a spice bag in your pantry, and how to make one.

--An explanation of staple ingredients to have on hand, how to use them, and how to fit them into a small space.

--Tips on how to "wing it" in the camp kitchen so you're not reliant on recipes.

--How to manage without counter space, refrigeration, or an oven.

Yeah, recipes, schmecipies.  Looks like a nice book, but can you please share how you find two years to fuck around in Europe cycling and cooking?  I mean come on!  Riding all day and cooking all day?  For people with actual jobs those are pretty much the first two activities to go.  Though I suppose the answer is obvious:

Launch a Kickstarter.

It's not even that they're young, either.  I was young once too, but I had to spend most of the day taking shit from people.  Meanwhile, she's riding around making fucking calzones:

Guess I was just Shenkermaned by the system.

Lastly, there's no more accurate barometer for a city's change than how its residents are using bikes and Craigslist in an attempt to hump each other.  Not too long ago it was all tattoos and fixies, and now it's cocktail dresses and Citi Bikes:

black dress, dropped bag, citibike - m4w (2nd ave bike path)

i was already admiring your cocktail party outfit in contrast to the citibike you were riding (thinking that not only did you have beautiful arms but that the thigh-highs were a totally excellent feature of my morning commute) when you dropped your bag in front of me. i scooped it up, along with the key that popped out of it, exchanged smiles with you and rode off laughing at the irate woman who was yelling at us for being in the crosswalk. kind of a nice little moment, so thanks for that. do you always dress that way while biking?

And the self-fellating cycle of life and self-absorption continues...