Friday, December 2, 2011

BSNYC Single Speed Quiz-Taking World Championships!

In yesterday's post, I mentioned 20th century swimsuit model Christie Brinkley in the context of the movie "National Lampoon's Vacation," which most critics agree is the greatest road movie in the history of cinema. In mentioning her, I used a still from the iconic Ferrari scene in that film, but accomplished artist Erik K subsequently pointed out that this one would have been more appropriate:

Please note that I have excised the gluteal muscles in order to protect those of you who toil in workplaces subject to puritanical mores, but if you'd like to see what the human posterior looked like during the Carter administration you can do so here. Sure, I'd like to live in a society in which people could study historical images like this freely while pretending to work, but there's no way I could sleep at night knowing that even a single member of the 99% lost his or her job merely for the sake of some "vintage tuchus."

Speaking of the 99%, if you're participating in an #Occupy protest in Portland and are looking for someplace to hold an "epic" 36-hour drumming circle, why not break into this Fredly dream house "curated" by a member of the 1%?

As much as they're enjoying their new home, the Butlers' favorite feature is across their bluestone courtyard. Their three-room bicycle garage is made of the same materials, and has floor-to-ceiling glass sliding doors in the fitness room that open to the same courtyard as the floor-to-ceiling sliding glass doors in the main house's dining room. In addition to the hot-water station and sauna for after cold-weather rides, there's a washer and dryer and clothing cabinets for all their cycling gear.

Well good for them. Unfortunately though, this article is going to bring them considerable grief, since having 600 square foot "garage" in Portland that contains no handmade bicycles nor even a single "bake feets" is surely in violation of several local zoning ordinances. Plus, they're sure to feel the wrath of the local "bike culture." I mean, come on, this is Portland! Where the hell is the artisanal commuting bike with the giant lunchbox on the front? Where are all the Speedvagens? Where's the one-off Chris King stainless steel door hardware?!? In Portland, walking into a room like this and seeing words like "Langster" and "Jamis" is like going into the kitchen and finding Folgers instead of Stumptown.

At the very least, they better have a closet full of Rapha in there, if not an actual Rapha-clad butler-slash-soigneur who rubs overpriced embrocation into their legs while they sip their Folgers before every training ride. And speaking of Rapha, it would appear that Raphagate is still kicking, for you can now by this t-shirt:


With that out of the way, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think--think!--and click on your answer. If you're right you are the Single Speed Quiz-Taking World Champion and should report immediately to the podium for tattooing, and if you're wrong you'll see a clash of cultures.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and have a safe ride.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

1) Which of the following is the 2013 SRAM Red group not expected to feature?

--"A more pronounced knob up front to provide a more secure handhold"
--"The complete elimination of trim"
--"Unusually generous rim clearance"
--"A silky smooth self-lubricating drivetrain"

"At about US$12,000, the bikes don't lose much weight and just look more exotic," Montgomery admitted. "I remember someone asking why our RED Equipped LTD a few years ago didn't include ceramic bearings. Well, we drew the line – US$13,000 was too much and a ceramic bearing is invisible."

2) Uncompromising (well, at least aesthetically) ultra-expensive top-of-the-line road bikes are called:

3) What is the purpose of this bottle?

("Sideboob poetry tattoos" are "tramp stamps" for graduate students.)

4) What form of poetry is the New York City Department of Transportation now employing as a traffic-calming device?


5) What is the pope doing?

(This famous truffle doubled for John Hurt in David Lynch's 1980 film, "The Elephant Man.")

6) "Foodies" call the semen-like odor emitted by a truffle:

7) Gourmet grocery Dean & Deluca is opening an artisanal semen shop.

***Special Corporate America-Themed Bonus Question***

("Hipster" is just 21st century slang for "conformist.")

How do you improve hipster productivity in the workplace?

--Offer them incentives such as new fixies if they meet certain performance goals
--Create hipster-friendly ergonomic work environments in which they can trackstand all day long


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Blog Drafter said...


Blog Drafter said...

LOOKS LIKE I POSTED "AND THE WINNER IS" TWICE, and hit the caps lock. Such is racing. Goodnight.

Anonymous said...


bikesgonewild said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
bikesgonewild said...

...ya, but i thought of focusing on being first to 200 before you did...

...i just didn't feel the need to exercise your lack of restraint... there...ha, ha, ha !!!...

...just sayin'...

Bernie Williams, Nuyorican said...

We jest.
And be pest.
Yeah! As a goof!
Nothing personal.
But if hurts,
it may be the truth.
Your axe is artisinal.
You live the dreams of the freds.

├žinco pated said...

I'm a muddler.
Methinks Haughty's
been naughty
with a Butler.

JB said...

Oh, Jesus H. Christ on a Popsicle stick.

Post-Rapha Brotherhood said...

My heart
is not healthy enough
for sexual activity.
It's sick with
memories of you.

Providing more Information said...

What type of people are the Butlers? It really does not matter in the argument of whether they were wise in building their house the way they did, but they do seem like OK people, nonetheless.

Funny thing about houses, in her blog she seems to really like their cabin. Hardly even mentions the house in town at all.

Here is Sue's Blog. Judge for yourself.

Posting info (Not to Argue) said...

Will one of the questions on Friday's Fun Quiz be:

Who's Tattoo is this?
Photo of Tattoo.

leroy said...

Lantern Rouge Haiku

Nice house, nice garage
In New York, that price buys one
Bedroom size garage.

The Butler did it
Solves some mysteries, opens others.
Who? Check. Why? Enjoy!

If you see my dog
Please send him home. Drum circle
Not same without him.

Percussive tribute
To Bee Gees must stop. No more
"How Deep Is Your Love."

Note to self: One shouldn't
Draft haiku while waiting for
Ambien to zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Roses are red and
Vi-lets are blue, my snoring
Rolls on in haiku


Davy Burns said...

Here's how a really, really, really nice person with a beautiful bike house and a beautiful spouse would respond to a WCRM satirical post:
"'re so funny! Next time you're in PDX,
we'd love for you to stop by for a ride."

The Man(x) Missle said...

Top 215 beotches! Boo-ya! Wot? Missed the bloody time cut? Wot the fock? Never mind then. See you in 2012. Focking Cols.

Anonymous said...

woops still last weeks post...dam pants caught in the chain...metaphoricly

db said...

Lob, I hope Monday's post is about Portland...

leroy said...

More posts about buildings (in Portland) and food please.

Yes, thank you.

moncler jackets said...

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Fixie Bikes said...

"Hipster" is just 21st century slang for "conformist."

It totally is, woah.

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