With walking this treacherous, and conditions generally this unpleasant, even the most smug and dedicated commuter could be forgiven for leaving his or her bicycle at home and instead dreaming of better days while rubbing thighs with the rest of humanity on the subway. Hopefully these better days are not far away, either. As it happens, today was "The Groundhog's Day," a holiday that commemorates the day almost 20 years ago now on which the groundhogs of the world rose up against their human oppressors and emerged from the resulting bloodbath as the supreme beings on the planet Earth. Of course, before our groundhog overlords start getting drunk and throwing bottles at us, they like to tell us whether or not we will have an early spring, and this year it seems that two out of three "groundhogs of record" agree that we will:
Staten Island Chuck:
Cincinnati Frank:
Early spring? Unnnnnnnghhhhhhhh...
By the way, if you ever encounter Cincinnati Frank while you're out on a ride and he tries to "prognosticate" on your head, you might want to defend yourself with a "vintage" French Velo Dog revolver:
I was informed of the above by a reader, who mentioned it subsequent to Jeff Underwood's somewhat distorted claims about cockpit-mounted turrets or whatever it was he was talking about. It seems to me that vintage bicycle-themed firearms are ripe for hipster appropriation, and are the perfect accessory to complement that French porteur bike and that artisanal axe. It's only a matter of time before someone in Portland starts fabricating a modern version to market to the "bike culture," though obviously it will have to have a bottle opener on it since apparently bottle openers are the new "lawyer lips."
Fun legal fact: If Clarence Darrow sees his shadow there will be six more weeks of jury deliberation.
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEim1Ps1trSI4ZnoW4BuKV9tAijTK0HeJzvI4xN95npYxzQF4FjNFYWBYFdOpe9adxvWw3zQJejgUHL1Daavi0CJbuREFun7OGm802wEvU3GBdEBNjoOs5i7SRxZPTe3IMp_bavbetwiGdA/s400/The+National+Firearms+Museum_+French+Velo+Dog+revolver.jpg)
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcVQr8Jhr3abP52YUJ2sXrlP_c1MpujtmOAQpskST8PdWivGc-p3kSti7VvHgUSkC7IiImmCDhoyODXJHsgcmV2IX6Bq5ntyrz5QgShxRq051nOLlI5e4kIX9t6mSZv-aaIIvDqFtXzPg/s400/darrow.jpg)
Speaking of prognostications, I'm what they call a "realist," and as such I don't buy into pagan myths about rodents seeing their shadows, or lightning happening when Thor Hushovd does intervals, or "evolution." (All Lob-fearing Crustaceanians know that the Almighty Lobster created the Earth in two and a half minutes while watching "Three's Company" and killing time during the commercials. A-meh.) I do, however, believe in the Lone Wolf, and a reader recently sent me actual video he captured of the Lone Wolf himself in full flight astride his White Lotus of Truth:
Notice how our cinematographer struggles valiantly to get on his wheel, though of course he cannot, since even Fabian Cancellara couldn't hope to catch him. The Lone Wolf's minute man is the speed of light, and he runs with the power of a billion Gruber Assists. To actually ride on his wheel would be like staring into the "Coin Slot" of the Universe and suddenly grasping all its secrets. Also, if he sees his shadow, it means six more weeks of suspension for Alberto Contador.
Notice how our cinematographer struggles valiantly to get on his wheel, though of course he cannot, since even Fabian Cancellara couldn't hope to catch him. The Lone Wolf's minute man is the speed of light, and he runs with the power of a billion Gruber Assists. To actually ride on his wheel would be like staring into the "Coin Slot" of the Universe and suddenly grasping all its secrets. Also, if he sees his shadow, it means six more weeks of suspension for Alberto Contador.
Certainly then the time-traveling t-shirt-wearing retro-Fred from the planet Tridork is like unto the Lone Wolf as the snowflake is to the Antarctic ice shelf, and ubiquity cannot compete with omniscience and omnipotence. (Omnipotence comes from riding a bicycle with a poorly-positioned saddle.) Still, the retro-Fred is a compelling figure nonetheless, and the proprietor of the esteemed blog Cycling Inquisition has actually uncovered the man behind the camera in front of which the retro-Fred posed:
He is Ljupco Smokovski of Macedonia, he is the Annie Liebovitz of stock Fred photography, and he likes hats. He is also not a prognosticator of anything, because oddly he casts no shadow whatsoever.
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg84-1hDJslely27KcM0Pr6opeZCmZOYmTaBKUnZ86MsD3Wf9GE3CK1Tu4Ur1aU72gU2Uu8-ND80UMnNMMRhs7NmOO_vGOL6vQ0zNcMaB4PwOP5DwA-YTaXLbxRRtv6TPS1nAN_eENTvR8/s400/ljupco.jpeg)
Speaking of miserable weather, it seems that "NYC's Direct Action Environmental Organization," Times Up!, as they put it, "gathered on the Williamsburg and Manhattan Bridges to give cyclists 'Token Tickets of Love' for braving both the weather and antagonistic conditions to ride their bikes to and from work:"
I think I'd rather be stopped by the NYPD than accosted by a bunch of self-satisfied smug-mongers handing out "love tickets" or repurposed chocolate Hanukkah gelt or whatever it was they were doing. I didn't cross the Big Skanky on Monday, but I imagine if I had and had run into this scene it would have felt like what Cincinnati Frank was doing to that other dog's head. This is of course the same organization that held the "funeral" for that Williamsburg bike lane:
And who gives fake tickets to drivers in the bike lane while dressed as clowns:
If acting like a total buffoon had the power to transform society than Ernest P. Worrell would have won the Nobel Prize by making movies like "Ernest Goes to Somalia." If Time's Up! are looking to land a cameo in the next installment of the "Scary Movie" franchise then they should keep up the good work, but if they're looking to change the world they might want to try a different approach. Anwar El Sadat, Mohandas Gandhi, and Martin Luther King were from different cultures and fought for different causes, but they all had one thing in common: not one of them wore clown pants.
I think I'd rather be stopped by the NYPD than accosted by a bunch of self-satisfied smug-mongers handing out "love tickets" or repurposed chocolate Hanukkah gelt or whatever it was they were doing. I didn't cross the Big Skanky on Monday, but I imagine if I had and had run into this scene it would have felt like what Cincinnati Frank was doing to that other dog's head. This is of course the same organization that held the "funeral" for that Williamsburg bike lane:
And who gives fake tickets to drivers in the bike lane while dressed as clowns:
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEheFLFaGGnJW8wI8JC-zlsDyrmi-kPoNID8ejbYHYVU8UMNqdDR-1WhW6A-wL20K2F3OavKqm2xnPmkLoOdXJjx2O11PnzmF5GfTzKLgXFkJaNpLb9xDw5jmz5I0vkW6xr3-9lxAEKI2Fg/s400/bike-crash-melchor-lg.jpeg)
Anyway, thanks, Times Up!, for ensuring that when police and irate motorists see me riding in the city they'll think of annoying clowns. That ought to put me on the receiving end of some real respect.
Speaking of respect, I have immense respect for the people of Norway, who may very well be the most innovative cockpit curators in all the world. For example, you may recall the amazing "puppeteer" setup that was the catalyst for the "Cockie" awards. Well, further to yesterday's post concerning the "Quillinator," another reader in Norway informs me that it is not in fact "the one, the ONLY," as Soma claims:
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizX-2zh1Jw-iv9hAk3G5Evfq-QpU3qGNtW-5zV3kIoo7R7LAwsQQ5d4BJanm5PaLFfdIbDXlr0xcZVsG3EYiD7NoMNc2NggNoiBHK35s4vGtS8na-mQ0AA5Fb8cbZTgB1mHEq7TtWCSgg/s400/quillinator.jpg)
Note how the curator has modified a threadless stem to accept a quill of truly Rivendellian proportions:
Clearly when it comes to cockpits, Norwegians are simply operating on another level--and it's at least three feet higher than their saddles.
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizX-2zh1Jw-iv9hAk3G5Evfq-QpU3qGNtW-5zV3kIoo7R7LAwsQQ5d4BJanm5PaLFfdIbDXlr0xcZVsG3EYiD7NoMNc2NggNoiBHK35s4vGtS8na-mQ0AA5Fb8cbZTgB1mHEq7TtWCSgg/s400/quillinator.jpg)
Note how the curator has modified a threadless stem to accept a quill of truly Rivendellian proportions:
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbcuEG5g7tCjMyUe8h50cv4UAV5EwM074YgYiuP1F5zFsm8ONuwKqDelVCApZ0X30_erdqRj8mI-ltv5liHmCTck2SebPjE9ojHB39fx0uoR2FHWkDhyphenhyphen3uDc-UzQubH5Mt0Ibp2j_wEhU/s400/quillinator+1.jpg)
91 comments:
Hey It's the SNob!
Argh!
Yeah
This is what clean living brings!
G.C. Contenda!
fuckin clowns.
Bing
Right-ish said Fred.
My quill is not compatible
It's not The Groundhog's Day, it's Saint Groundhog's Day, named for Saint Groundhog, the patron saint of really long naps.
"To actually ride on his wheel would be like staring into the "Coin Slot" of the Universe and suddenly grasping all its secrets. "
...and a Lone Wolf vid to boot, gold Snobby, GOLD!
I bet you Staten Island Minimalist can't swim with this quill stem around his neck.
Top Ten?
KWIL STEM
Eric 'the chamferer' Murray was on TV the other night. Check out 'Ride of my life' on the BBC iPlayer. An over-enthusiastic guy curates an expensive bike.
I am a Maximalist.
I own 57,000,000,000 thingies.
I want to own YOU!
How much?
Anonymous 12:15pm,
It won't let me watch it, presumably because I'm here in Canada's gaudy medallion.
--BSNYC
Hey snob, try it on You Tube
or on my blog (posted in 3 episodes around Nov 27
Aren't most people scared of clowns?
FTW
I wonder if Ljupco Smokovski loves Wednesdays as much as I do?
Fly like the Wolf!
All you haters finger-bang my coin slot!
I suggest you buy a pair of Yaktrax when you are not on your bicycle with ice like that.
Makes walking on ice much safer and easy!
Or put some studs on your tires and get on the bicycle.
Times Up Clown: Stop! I'd like to give you a Token Ticket of Love.
NYC Cyclist: Blow me.
Times Up Clown: Oh, do your tires need air?
Playing the slots on the subway might get you a stretch upstate
Quackenbush! Quackenbush Bicycle Rifles! Made in the USA! Shoots real bullets or potato ones!
I was having a bad day here in Boston.. but the sight of the Lone Wolf plying his trade, left me feeling that there is a Lob after all
Coin slot, made me snort my juice box up.
http://www.grist.org/article/2011-02-01-bike-plows-new-fixies-but-well-never-be-as-cool-as-the-danes
Panties!
Groundhawg panties!
Appropos of bikes & guns, Gary Klein -- he of the fat-tubed aluminum Mt. bikes w/ garish neon paint -- was known to ride with the straps of his bibshorts worn over his jersey and a Glock 9mm pistol in a fanny pack. That is all.
Having been raised in the Queen City, I can state that you would have to look far and wide to find a more morally conservative place, so I love it how every deviant sexual practice on here gets labelled "The Cincinnati ________."
Mange Takk!
So many zingers today. Thanks, Senor Snob.
All you haters, suck my cockpit!
And I'm pretty sure that "Hot Karl" lives in Cincinnati, too...
Send in the clowns.
Don't bother they're here.
cycle
A-meh.
It's just about stopped snowing here in Chicago, so I'm headed out to shovel. Drifts to the tops of fences and gates. Took the bus yesterday, and what would be a 40-minute commute by bike took more than an hour. I saw a few cyclists downtown (including a lone salmon), but they were having a hard time of it. I think I'd rather have snow than ice, but I haven't actually shoveled yet...
What would 'Eric the Chamferer' Murray say: http://www.flickr.com/photos/matt_and_vic/3467303585/
What's a ground hog? You mean those Whistle Pigs?
Vermin.
I doubt any of them have a deVry meteorology degree, ...maybe small engine repair.
Why do they call it meteorology anyway? are meteors involved in controlling our weather?
Podium!
I smugged it across the Big Skanky on Monday, but there were only a couple of people at the bottom handing out what I thought were chinese menus.
Little did I know that the Village People would be showing up later.
How much love did Times Up! show for all the pedestrians who use the Manhattan bike path? Did they get a chocolate, or a fake ticket?
Workings stiffs trying to save a buck on MTA fare or willfully oblivious biking hazards?
This is one of the great moral gray areas of my life. I wonder if clown pants would help me see the light.
One fire today, Mr Snob! Thanks for warming my freezing wet socks!
I too crossed the Big Skanky on Monday via the Manhattan Bridge-way but didn't see any Love Token dispensers in the morning or evening. I guess before 8 and after 5 are the clown-free hours.
True Crampon Story:
Here in Colorado we have a mountain called Mt Sneffels. When I was working in a bike shop a few years ago, a tourist told me:
We wanted to climb Mt Sniffles, but they told us we would have needed clampons
Slow comments day.
Maybe it's because the Lone Wolf was actually captured on video. First Snobbie on film, and now this.
And next year is that 2012-thing that all the remaining Mayans are in a tizzy about... Maybe the meh-pocalypse is already under way?
Aaacckk! And I still have bike sins I need to confess!
Anyone else have the "Rocky" theme blast through their head when they watched the Lone Wolf video? Chills, man, just chills.
The fashionable Fred knows that for walking on ice, put socks on the outside of your shoes.
Works well, looks sharp.
i have to admit i kind of like the idea of the times up people giving out fake parking tickets to assholes who block the bike lane. that drives me nuts. If the effect was nothing more than to embarass or annoy the offending motorist, it's still worth it. who cares if they are wearing clown pants. I would certainly suggest harsher methods such as hiring these gentlemen to keep the bike lanes clear. http://www.metacafe.com/watch/42043/insane_car_catapult/ but I'm not as nice as the timesup folks.
S&S,
Maybe like me, other readers are late due to getting scalp massages. Sooo relaxing, and Frank always finishes by applying moisturizer.
DOGS EMEN
Is there any repurposed Hanukkah gelt left in the fridge?
HAIL CSZR
-P.P.
I think it's possible that Time's Up!'s strategies will do some good. Look at the Mayorship of Antanas Mockus of Bogota: he achieved substantial social change with mimes, public showering, and soccer-style penalty cards for everyday douchebaggery. Check him out.
I think the Lone Wolf is motor-assisted.
Also, I resent how I was misquoted out of context about a situation of which I have no memory and therefore could not respond to the event directly without first seeing the documents first hand in the Landis interview.
What'd I miss?
...is that '"vintage" French Velo Dog revolver' for shooting french dogs or frenchmen you consider to be dogs ???...
...either way, ant1 ain't one who's gonna be happy about this...
...jus sayin'...
Aw shit.
I've a suspicion that the iplayer isn't available to those not resident in the ConDemnation.....
Sorry, chaps.
hey nonny mouse
Is there such a thing as a quilling bee for cyclists who want to get together and play with headsets? Who brings the snacks? And will it involve a headless spork? And if nobody's called this blizzard Snowgasm yet, let me be the first.
=v= One of these days, love is going to find you. It's the flip side of AYHSMB. Time's Up!
K9HE DFUK
FOTO HOMO
LOVE TICS
CLWN PNTS
Shirley that can't be the Lone Wolf: he's riding in a somewhat-crouched dare-I-say-it Æro position ? NAh
After catching up on reading the past couple posts I have come to the disapointing conclusion that I in fact am a Fred.After almost 40 years of cycling in most of its disciplines except track I have to accept that I am one.I use hi viz jacket, I also use spd pedals on a "racing bike".I'm also guity of wearing sleeveless cycling jeseys.Lately ive taken to wearing lights on my helmet because having lights on your bike doesnt send a strong enough message of dont hit me!All these years I thought I was cool as far as cycling goes but common sense and being a function victim I must admit I am ultimately a Fred.Not a new Fred but a fred nonetheless.Oh well.
artisinal pencil sharpening
http://www.artisanalpencilsharpening.com/
My2Hands, at least you won't be in violation of any concealed-carry permit laws, but I wouldn't want to shoot myself if I accidentally
crashed on the revolver strapped onto my thigh.
I also advise caution with use of the term "strap-on," as to many it carries an entirely different connotation.
See you at the firing range...
Salty...
check out Gregg Araki's film,"Kaboom". Very meh-capolyptic.
..."i'll take early american history for $400, please, alex"...
..."Transcendence: Where There's a Quill There's a Way"...
..."what was the motto of the original signers of the 'declaration of independence', alex ???..."...
With the roads being as hostile as they are, I would think Blackjacks amongst cyclists wouldnt be a bad idea.You know those collapsable batons that start about 10" and end up being 20" inches of hi velocity a hole motorist neutralizer.Any entreprenuers would be wise to create one in Crabon fibre for the weight weenie roadside pugilist.
http://sfbay.craigslist.org/eby/mis/2192617334.html
"I'd love to give you a tune-up."
Break out the carbon piercing harpoon ... It's a full carbon White Whale ... Moby Dork!
Between the true meaning of The Groundhog's Day and the White Lotus of Truth, my head is spinning. Oh wait, it's Wednesday. A-meh.
Well, I am so excited that I have found this in your post because I have been searching for some information about it almost three hours.
Lone Wolf captured on video... and the identity of the TTTWRFFTPT revealed in one groundbreaking post! It would seem that Snob is not running short of material. However, the post was actually Snob's dying gift to the world... the last weak signal to emanate from his home, sealed in ice, before the stale air could no longer sustain him. Soon to be dramatised in James Cameron's big screen depiction of epic coin slot survival "Sanctum". Spoiler Alert: Snob does survive thanks to the courageous actions of a Rescue Wiener Dog Team - the only rescue dogs specialised for coin slot operations.
Anyone notice the ironic sign at :47 in the Token of Love video?: "Screw Haters." They be hatin' on the haters.
nope
Great to cover a Lone Wolf sighting. He's a classy rider on the White Lotus of Truth. I was totally shocked to see that he had either removed his water bottle tree or had failed to stock it.
Anonymous February 2, 2011 7:13 PM - "Not a new Fred but a fred nonetheless.Oh well."
Hey Anon, you are a CLASSIC Fred. Join the club.
Love the pistol. But it is not a pistol brake, it is...
Steve Tilford rides in the snow.
hello
Amita
===
bike
"Anwar El Sadat, Mohandas Gandhi, and Martin Luther King were from different cultures and fought for different causes, but they all had one thing in common: not one of them wore clown pants."
Classic.
Very nice and impressive article you have posted. Its very helpful, i have read and bookmark this site and will recommend it to more other peoples.
Keep the faith, my Internet friend. You are a first-class writer and deserve to be heard.
hooray, your writings on theater and writing much missed!
hooray, your writings on theater and writing much missed!
hooray, your writings on theater and writing much missed!
hooray, your writings on theater and writing much missed!
Thank you, that was extremely valuable.
hooray, your writings on theater and writing much missed!
Only a lot of movement,the body's various functions in order to get the most play. Therefore,
Of course, before our groundhog overlords start getting drunk and throwing bottles at us, they like to tell us whether or not we will have an early spring,
It's a sad day in brooklyn now that they're getting rid of the old coin operated parking meters.
Post a Comment