Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Ground Beef: Crash Course in Bottom Bracket Interfaces

With the possible exceptions of the Mr. Softee theme and crotchal fungus, there is no surer sign that summer has begun in earnest than the start of the Tour de France. And there is no surer sign that the cycling media wants to entice laypeople with their Tour de France coverage than when they start rolling out the "crash porn." For the non-cycling sports fan, the idea of following the multiple competitions of which the Tour is comprised over a period of weeks has about as much appeal as actuarial science, so the thinking with "crash porn" is that they'll at least consider tuning in to see one of those "woosies" in Lycra they like to buzz with their SUVs take a spill. Here's some gratuitous "crash porn" from Versus:


As well as from Bicycling magazine:


As a cyclist and a cycling fan, I'm somewhat offended by "crash porn." Sure, crashes can be dramatic, and they're undeniably a part of the sport, but using carnage to sell the Tour seems a bit short-sighted to me. At best, watching the Tour de France for the crashes is like watching the Academy Awards in the hopes that you'll catch a "nipple slip"--it's just not a very good use of your time, and if that's all you're going in for you'll probably be disappointed. If you want to see crashes, go to a Cat 4 race, and if you want to see nipples, watch actual pornography. In any case, there's already a sporting event based entirely on carnage and "nipple slips," and it's called the Superbowl.

Really, if the cycling media wants to reduce the Tour de France to its most visceral components and burn off all subtlety, nuance, and good taste in the process, they might as well just do post-stage analyses of the riders' dirty chamoises. In fact, I'm surprised they haven't already, since judging from this Craigslist post I found in the comments to yesterday's post there appears to be a brisk market for that sort of thing:

Bib-Shorts; Owned, worn & signed by Lance Armstrong!!! - $3000
Date: 2010-06-30, 9:16AM EDT
Reply to: [deleted]

Would you like to be one of the few to own Lance's actual bib-shorts. Owned and worn by Lance, I got them through a friend of his, then had them signed. Also had them sent to have the signature Authenticated to solve any question of legitimacy.
Be one of the few to have an item owned and signed by a legend.... Who is still racing and about to do another Tour De France!

$3000 is starting bid, will close with best offer..... These will be on ebay by next week if not sold on CL.



The disgustingness of owning somebody else's used bib shorts aside, this stomach-turning post raises more questions than it answers. Firstly, the seller claims that he "got them through a friend of his, then had them signed," and I wonder what friend of Armstrong's is distributing his shorts. Does Kevin Livingston loiter around the laundry hamper at Pedal Hard and pilfer the clothing of notable clients? Secondly, the seller says he "then had them signed"--though apparently not in person, since he subsequently "had them sent to have the signature Authenticated to solve any question of legitimacy." How, then, did the seller get the shorts back to Armstrong, and what was Armstrong's reaction when his own filthy shorts came back to him for signature like some sort of soiled, smegma-ridden boomerang? And where is this signature authentication service, and did they also authenticate the residual pubic hairs? (If the signature is Armstrong's but the pubes belong to, say, Roberto Heras, does this increase or decrease the value?) I particularly appreciated the caveat that "the shorts will be on ebay next week if not sold on CL," since I now know which websites to avoid in coming weeks. This probably won't happen though, since I fully expect them to be snapped up by Paul Kimmage before then, who will probably send the skid marks to a laboratory for analysis. In any case, $3,000 is pretty steep for a pair of used shorts, and if you want Lance Armstrong's dirty laundry you can just get it from Floyd Landis, who seems to be giving it away for free.

Speaking of using porn to sell things, bicycle manufacturers continue to evoke the salacious appeal of the oversized bottom bracket, and French company Look has apparently unleashed the most swollen and robust bottom bracket the world has ever seen:

So "beefy" is the mighty BB65 that it will only accept the "Zed2" crankset, which means that no matter what you're riding right now your crank is too small for this bicycle. That's right--now that the Look 695 has "dropped," if you're riding anything else you have a tiny crank. Until you "upgrade," your diminutive unit can never hope to fill a BB65--even if it is big enough for Cannondale's "Hot Box" (forwarded to me some time ago by a reader):

All You Haters Sandwich My Hot Box.

Best of all the 695 is available in two "stiffness options:"

That 15% reduction in stiffness you'll feel on the regular 695 is equal to the erection-reducing effect one (1) Larry King:

(Larry King: an elastomer insert for your libido.)

Incidentally, Larry King has just announced he is officially retiring in order to censor pornographic images full-time.

But what do you do if you have an older Look that suddenly feels all "noodly," like it's been subject to upwards of four Larry King Stiffness-Reducing Units (or LKSRUs)? Well, without the BB65 interface there's no way it will ever be adequately stiff, but you can still attempt to"improve" matters via judicious application of "upgrades." Consider this promotional video for the SRAM Omnium crank from New York City fixed-gear boutique Chari & Co.:

SRAM OMNIUM CRANK from chariandconyc on Vimeo.

In it you'll find this compelling testimonial:

"This bike that I'm riding now gets me to and from work most days...I spend a lot of time riding into the city every day over the Manhattan bridge. These cranks together with this frame is the stiffest thing I've ever ridden."

Because when you're riding a race bike back and forth to work every day in sneakers, you need all the stiffness you can get to beat that guy on the hybrid.

Still, there are times when you need a high performance bicycle even if you're not racing. For example, every bit of stiffness counts when you're sprinting away from a bank after robbing it:

Cunningly, the thief disguised himself as a "secret website" catalog model:

Instead of blaming the thief, I blame the cruel society that drove him to it. It was probably a "Dog Day Afternoon" scenario, except instead of funding his partner's sex change he needed the money for a costly bottom bracket interface "upgrade."


88 comments:

yeppee it´s wednesday said...

and i´d like to thank my PEDs, without which this wouldn´t have been possible

ringcycles said...

Podium!

debichan1a said...

so close.

Anonymous said...

podium too

Anonymous said...

top ten

Anonymous said...

big greasy fart -- all up in the top ten

Anonymous said...

Top of the Top

ant1 said...

that back robber is giving us cyclists a bad name. can't wait to hear my first "get off the road faggot, and stop robbing banks" while riding. at least he's wearing a helmet though.

Guadzilla said...

Top 10?

brother yam said...

I almost hit that guy driving to work...

Anonymous said...

I think if they included a stage in the TDF where all of the rider where drunk, that would certainly boost interest. As much as I like riding, there are few spectator sports more boring than cycling. There, I said it.

Astroluc (Find me on Tumblr and Instagram @Astroluc) said...

what are you going to do now that Larry King is retiring? How will you censor images without the use of his visage?

Slappy said...

how's the gratuitous fixter crash sequence coming along, sneakers, helmetless, untested cycling dorks, would make for great skull splitting highlights, i still wouldn't be able to watch though

Anonymous said...

Top 40, ladies.

Isolation Helmet said...

I just crapped my bib shorts thinking about how inadequately stiff my bottom braket is compared to that new Look.

Should I send the shorts your way for signature?

Dave said...

Antoher great one Snobbie. This line was especially brilliant

"and if you want Lance Armstrong's dirty laundry you can just get it from Floyd Landis, who seems to be giving it away for free"

Luke said...

I was hoping you'd write up something about the LA bibs. I figured someone had already sent you the dirt (ha-ha) or I'd have emailed it to you. Mmm... worn bibs! Certainly they must have remained unwashed to preserve authenticity.

bikesgonewild said...

...you think this is easy on a draisine ???...

...why, i oughta...!!!...

...now you damn kids get offa my lawn...

ImTheBest said...

Top 6,324,723!!

sherpa said...

"The robber, who had a black bike helmet...."

Holy sh1t, I've gone color blind. That helmet looks yellow to me.

ringcycles said...

Astroluc: there are bigger issues to worry over; What will anyone suffering from a viagra or cialis overdose do with out the opportunity to flip on Larry King Live for an antidote? If Ryan Seacrest truly is LK's replacement, does he have the flaccid effectiveness of the King? Millions of over-medicated middle aged men must know now!

Anonymous said...

Snob: I snorted coffee upon coming across these bon mots.. "...like some sort of soiled, smegma-ridden boomerang?"

Chapeau.

Anonymous said...

The article says the robber had a black helmet, yet in the photo to the right the robber's helmet is clearly a different color. Quality journalism right there, huh?

Anonymous said...

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, someone once said.

eugenebicyclist.com

Anonymous said...

Omnium video: not only is it the stiffest thing he's ridden, the audio of the guy with the LOOK frame riding while emitting little grunts and squeaks sounds like it was dubbed in from fuckingmachines.com.

Anonymous said...

I understand how you display a jersey by framing it but how do you display prized bib shorts? An Old Navy mannequin? Perched on top of a TV alter with loops of Lance playing continuously?

grog said...

Buy my shorts, I had them signed.

I was desiring a big bottom bracket, but then i saw Larry King. I'm okay now, thanks.

Anonymous said...

I love the pointless label on the Look's stem !

"stem" no shit. thought it was a carbon fibre bannana

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I'm going to the LBS to get a new helmet mirror.

Anonymous said...

this > http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/bik/1819004798.html

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

ant1 said...

that BB is so massively giant that they couldn't fit a picture of it in the article, but go ahead and take their word for it, it's huge.

in related news, i've got the biggest penis ever.

and it's nice to finally see a close up pic of a hot box not censored by larry king.

Anonymous said...

$3.000!?
No thanks, I'm sniffing my own worn bibs for free.

ervgopwr said...

Nice 1Ant ^^^!

g said...

I just don't understand how that young lady is going to ride that bike with the wheel locked to the frame, Larry King or no.

g said...

RTMS,
Don't take it so personally. Have you ever seen a Formula1 or Nascar commercial without crashes? A VS rodeo or UFC commercial without bloodshed? A McDonalds commercial without the 3rd degree burns of the pie filling?
It's just the American way, I fear.

Anonymous said...

Maybe a tandem robbery is due: http://www.lacoste.com/#/catalogue-men-clothing-sportswear-07

Anonymous said...

Snobbie, even though I have access to 10,000 graphic pornographic images with the click of my mouse, I am respectfully requesting the NSFW link to that Larry king censored photo.

Anonymous said...

http://fixedgeargallery.com/2010/july/1/StuartSanders/StuartSanders.htm

More 'jesus-themed' fixters. No brakes as always.

bikesgonewild said...

...anon 2:52pm sez..."even though I have access to 10,000 graphic pornographic images with the click of my mouse"...

...only 10,000 ???...what a' ya got ???...an antique computer ??...

...just sayin'...

db said...

"Do Not Put Anything In My Hot Box."

leroy said...

Please excuse the gratuitous nipple slip in my profile photo.

After yesterday's scandal involving the comment podium, I wished to point out that some of us are prepared to let the maillot jaune fall where it may.

Miss Muff said...

Between the oversized and very stiff bottom bracket and the smega-smeared boomerang, I believe I have just soaked my panties.

Daddo said...

how much do oyu want for them?

Anonymous said...

Cavendish is selling his turds on E-Bay - claims they don't stink.

g said...

Given that they are "homemade" he could cross market them on Etsy. Given the amount of crap on that site already, they may get lost in the shuffle, though.

Unknown said...

@ Sherpa His shorts are also tan not blue as the article states. Just goes to show how accurate eye-witness reports are.

bikesgonewild said...

...fuck anon 2:52pm's antiquated computer...

...between "gratuitous nipple slips", ant1's revelations about his member-ship, the pending loss of larry king's visage as cover for sexual imagery, "soiled, smegma-ridden boomerang's", the imagery precipitated by phrases utilizing words like "stiff", "hot box" & "big bottom bracket", miss muff's revealing that she's (already) "soaked my panties" & any salacious comments about to be made by frilly & perhaps sore & salty & i'll tell ya, mister, my head is filled with 10,000 images of stuff you don't wanna know......

Quicksquirt McHurt said...

Remove Larry King's disgusting mug, and I'd hit it.

Anonymous said...

Y'know, bgw, I might just take the high road on this one. Cuz if we're talking beefy bottom brackets & nipple slips...been there, done that.

Back on topic, who do ya like for the TdF? And for pete's sake, don't say Lance--pick somebody who's actually got a shot at it.

gene99 said...

Forget Lance's pants. It's these babies stiffen my compact: http://www.nationalenquirer.com/

bikesgonewild said...

...whew, thanks frilly...now i'm down to 9,999...

...devil's advocate, you say (ya maybe not but you were thinking it)...i'll play devil's advocate & say lance...

...'member (no, ant1...not talking about you) last year when juan pelota came out of retirement to ride the tour ???...
...'member how all the know-it-all pundits laughed & said he didn't stand a chance especially after running marathons ???...
...'member how he broke a collarbone in the spring & still insisted he'd be okay come race time ???...
...'member how with a limited amount of training & racing, he finished 3rd ???...
...'member now that he's had another season back on the bike , right ???...
...'member how the guy can push hisself on the bike with a determination unmatched by few people on this planet ???...

...'member all that ???...

...okay, just sayin'...

Anonymous said...

Fair enough. It might surprise you that as much as I LOVE my boy Bert, I'm kind of thinking if Ivan'll let him, Roman Kreuziger might have a good shot at it. He's been quietly working at becoming more well rounded. The Astana boys had better keep close tabs on him.

I would think Andy Schleck too, however he has had such a rough spring. And then the crash last week.

Matt said...

Hate to be the guy in the photo with the white box over his face. Sonofabitch, bank just got robbed, now they won't take my damn deposit! Damn cyclists!

It's no wonder they didn't see the gun, transfixed as they were by the black helmet.

Matt said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
wishiwasmerckx said...

Frilly, not to be disagreeable, but the plain fact is that in over 100 runnings, no one named "Roman" has ever won the TdF, and no one named "Roman" ever will.

tester said...

After rigorous testing, I have determined that BSNYC columns are 15% funnier after 1 beer, 23% funnier after 2 beers, and 29% funnier after 3 beers.

Anonymous said...

@wiwm Ha! Hadn't thought of that, but you're probably right. They'll conjure up something if he starts looking too strong. Maybe a dog crossing the road or an over-eager spectator in the mountains.

bikesgonewild said...

...tester 5:54pm...

...you know this leaves your testing as rather incomplete, especially in light of the results you were achieving...

...inquiring minds want to know...more...

bikesgonewild said...

...& frilly...nothing personal...i know you're banking on your boy 'berto but i'm just not a fan...

...i, however, find the determination displayed by the ol' geezer & his cadre of dedicated servants to be quite remarkable...

...can he do it ???...maybe, maybe not but i like his chances, if only for the chutzpah involved...will he push hisself to the point of almost dying while trying...most assuredly...

...besides...i've got big money riding on the man...me & the produce buyer @ the local health food store are ponying up $5 bucks each...he for 'berto, me for the lance-ster...

...besides, lotta quality on the radio shack & saxo bank teams (+ a few others) to keep corralled by astana...

...it's gonna get busy...just waitin' to see...

bikesgonewild said...

...'course i'm dumb enough to hope to see the geezer, eventually retired, come out & say "know what, folks, here it is...floyd was right...we all did it...i was just better than most & it never would a' happened without a lotta god-given talent, sacrifice & determination...you can't turn a plow horse into a thoroughbred...& forgive me but there ya have it"...

...now "that", i wouldn't bet $5 bucks on...not likely to happen...but i'm still a fan...

Anonymous said...

Serious auto racing fans were disgusted in the Sixties when network TV started showing crashes in their advertisements in a crass attempts at jacking up ratings. They'd have crapped their pants if they knew Nascar would eventually merge with All Star Wrestling.

Anonymous said...

White must be the new black.

Lance Armstrong said...

Frilly, I will be kicking Senior Fingerbang's culo and riding into Paris in Yellow.

Loren said...

I'm gonna cut off a finger so that AYHSMHB fits on my knuckes.

Sarah P said...

Snobby-
how about some commentary about decorated bikes and beefy bottom brackets in honor of the 4th of July parades?

theshepherdsdog said...

"and burn off all subtlety, nuance, and good taste"; awesome

bikesgonewild said...

...jeez, loren...you're losing your grip...or you will be...

...just add an adjective for heaven's sake...it's so less messy...

bikesgonewild said...

...hey, frilly, look...the geezer from tejas left ya a prophetic message...

...guess i'll be winnin' that $5 bucks after all...nice...

Anonymous said...

What's really amazing is how the bank robbing cyclist disguised his black helmet as a white one. Luckily, eagle eye witnesses were able to catch what the camera missed!

hoot79er said...

Wow. 12 hours later and I'm still trying to get my head around the concept of a "smegma-ridden boomerang".
Not happening.

camembert said...

@ bikesgonewild 6:57 PM

spot on. I´m no fan, but i acknowledge the will and determination make him a Champion.

Anonymous said...

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo:

http://www.slate.com/id/2258675/

Anonymous said...

Noooooooooooooooooooooooo:

http://www.slate.com/id/2258675/

Anonymous said...

LA--please do not embarrass yourself anymore. Last year was tres awkward seeing your kids all decked out in yellow while you took your 3rd place podium spot. Charming.

Lunch Time said...

Is a Hot Box related to a Hot Pocket in any way?

Anonymous said...

I love the lameness of the video. "it's uh... stiff.. and it's stiff... and I like that it's stiff. I think it's really stiff."

... morons.

Anonymous said...

When I read about the bib sale, I couldn't help but think of this scene from 'Slacker'-

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JoCuUgxMU_Y

Sigurd said...

STIF CRNK
WORN BIBS
BANK ROBR

Anonymous said...

Smegma? Really? Go nip slips! They make my—ahem!—bottom bracket get, mmm, err, oversized. Or something. Everybody knows it’s more exciting if the girl pretends not to know she’s flashing. I mean, who wants to limp along on a tiny crank? Big ones make better smegma. I’m just saying.

Seriously, though, stiffness is no holy grail. If you really want to reduce your smegma-production capacity that much, you can do it by getting a cheap aluminum bike from Walmart. It’s like riding a picket fence in your underpants. You’ll pedal harder just so the ride will end sooner.

nocklebeast said...

The bicycle bank robber was found. It turns out he used the cash he stole from banks to fund his pot growing operation.

http://www.santacruzsentinel.com/ci_15426658

pdd said...

Appaarently you have hit on an emerging "hot topic", not only in pretentiousness, but in bicycling (sometinmes not much differnce these days). Just the other day I saw a webpost, wish I could remmeber where, listing the things the poster carries while touring and among them was the "Granfors Mini Belt Hatchet" (Sweedish, natch), perhaps the perfect cutlery for your "fakerjacks", as it costs only $150.00, not a bad price for a tool practically no one knows how to use any more!
http://www.gransfors.com/htm_eng/produkter/new_prod/p_lillayxa.html
What could possibly be more creative, artistic and hip than "uberconsumerism"

angryman said...

its 90 miles from SF to Sacramento

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fixie bikes said...

i like seeing bikers help one another.

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