Monday, March 8, 2010

This Just In: Someone Yoinked My Cockpit!

In a crime that may or may not be retaliation for last week's "ANTgate" affair, the stem, handlebars, brake levers, and grips (or, in bike review parlance, the "cockpit") of my beloved mehloved Scattante Empire State Courier were stolen at precisely lunchtime-ish on 6th Avenue in the Greenwich Village neighborhoodway of Manhattan. Here is the grisly scene to which I emerged:

(All You Haters Decapitate My Scattante)

As you can see, the brake cables were snipped and the so-called "cockpit" was simply unbolted and removed. Naturally, I was shocked when first viewing the crime scene, though my concern subsided when I noticed that the thief had left the bottle-opening capabilities of the bike intact:

(The thieving teetotaller totally left the best part.)

While I certainly would have preferred a bicycle ride to a subway ride home on this pleasant day, I'm only minimally bothered by this brazen heist. Indeed, my only regret is having equipped the bicycle with a fancy stem, which is undoubtedly what inspired the theft in the first place. However, as the stem fit the bicycle perfectly and was lying fallow I figured it made more sense to use it than to purchase another, cheaper stem and keep this one secreted in my underwear drawer. (I keep all my "bulletproof" components in my underwear drawer, which is why I often find Chris King headsets in my underpants at urinals.) In fact, I thought to myself this very morning, "It would not surprise me in the least if some brigand decided to 'house' my stem today," and so it did not surprise me when a scant few hours later that very thing came to pass.

In any case, the first rule of New York City bicycle commuting is to always use a bicycle you will not be upset to lose, and having followed that rule I actually feel as though I've come out ahead since the foolish thief neglected to steal the rest of the bike. That said, if someone tries to sell you a 120mm silver Thomson stem in the 25.4 clampway, perhaps bundled with a Ritchey flat mountain bike bar, a pair of black Oury grips, and maybe even a couple of Tektro brake levers with a few inches of brake cable housing dangling from them, feel free to use the fact that they are stolen to negotiate a very low price--and then keep them with my compliments. (I'd offer to reimburse you in exchange for the components but I hate the idea of paying for things twice.)

In the meantime, you will be pleased, indifferent, or nonplussed to know that plans for the Scattante's rehabilitation are already underway, and I expect it should be rideable by this evening at little or no cost to me. Most importantly, now that the weather's improved and the streets are flush with bicycles they are flush with thieves as well, so be careful with your bike.

And remember--yoinking your own cockpit may be fun, but if you're going to yoink someone else's you should at least ask them first.



Unknown said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Michael said...

ha. clampway.

Anonymous said...


Fungineer said...

a disgruntled contest non-winner may be a culprit as well.

at least they did not steal your closely guarded identity as well

Unknown said...

Sorry to hear that. I hate thieves.

ant1 said...


cp said...

Just when I think I've seen all the ways people can suck, I turn off the PPV TV porn, the PPV online porn, the free online porn, delete my disk and memory cache, restart my browser, jump on this blog and read a story like this.

Trent said...

Top ten? Booyah!

ant1 said...

patiently waiting for the cl post.

SE13 said...

Milk Race!

hillbilly said...

all you haters thieve my cockpit.

that sucks, sorry to hear that. on the bright side, maybe the "don't steal bikes, bro" campaign really worked.

ben miracle said...


Test Tickle said...

damn i hate thieves.


Anonymous said...

tuffwheel iis ah why bother

ben miracle said...

holy wow

luciferyellow said...

That's ranks pretty high among the worst reasons for a double-post I can think of. What did ANT's comrades always say? "I feel your pain". Well, I don't (and I am actually glad that I don't have to, mostly because I would not be resourceful enough to replace a cockpit within the forth-night), but it still sucks.

Sprocketboy said...

Mr. Snob, when you reconstruct the Scattante, please be inspired by the Lone Wolf's bike.

Double Deed said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jefe said...

Just another good reason to protect your secret identity. A crazed fan would have chopped up the whole bike and auctioned the pieces on E-Bay, especially that bottle opener. Hey, I just found the greatest bike commuter video on Ecovelo. Check it out

Astroluc (Find me on Tumblr and Instagram @Astroluc) said...


Rick Donkey said...

Sorry RTMS/BSNYC I had no choice, your cockpit was the perfect collabo/colorway for my freshly built geekhouse cargo bike. It has tiny, perfect welds if that makes you feel any better.

Anonymous said...


mikeweb said...

I think the brakes cables and housing may have been snipped with something in the Lobster claw-way...

Anonymous said...


Shaun said...

So what's the over/under on how many phony CL ads this post will generate?

Unknown said...

Well that sucks balls.
My wife's decade old MTB wheels were knicked in London on Thursday.

If a rusty frame is stolen in Mumbai on Friday we shall know that this is the work of one seriously retarded intercontinental chop shop. The lengths some people go to!

Hope you & the scat-ride can recapture the magic soon.

CommieCanuck said...

Fucking assholes.

If we caught the guy, under Islamic law, he would be forced to ride a bike with a 150lb weight belt and no saddle.

Those Muslims know justice.

theshepherdsdog said...

Ritchey, Oury, Tektro; a rare glimpse into exactly what the Snob rubs..

Disgruntl Ed. said...

Sigh. Maybe you'll just leave it in your pants next time.

Glad you have a sense of humor about it. Most of your neighbors are much nicer than that scumbag and his scumbag type.

My ass pedestal went missing not so long ago.

thegock said...


wasn't me-i was out riding

Kenny McCarthy said...

I see no wear marks on that bottle opener - what's up with that?

Unknown said...

looking fwd to bsnyc's new cockpitway pics. (i'm guessing it won't feature ironically crocheted shifter cozies, since oury gripways are as douchey as he dares?)

assuming both wheels were locked,
cockpit theftway represents an innovative twist on disabling a bike so that it's left overnite, so as to enable additional componentway theft...

Anonymous said...

So who's link are you going to remove from your blog as retaliation for this?

Meg said...

Boo to bike (part) thieves!

Anonymous said...


edom bin necker said...

you is wrong commie commie

according to sharons law we would cut his balls off

Anonymous said...

that blows. I did see some guy running up six avenue this afternoon in the bike lane holding a pair of handlebars. If I would have known I would have tackled him.

Doug V said...

sucks, now with no step clamped on the bottle opener how will you open your beer?

Anonymous said...

sorry to hear that. but why did you ride the subway? were you unable to steer the bike with the bottle opener?

George Not Hincapie said...

What a contrast to last week's ant blog. Ha Ha
Did you......

db said...

Glad you can have a non-plussed view of the incident. So much angst usually accompanies a bike theft. Something to be thankful for.

Anonymous said...

the song sucks but it seems to fit

Anonymous said...

If I find the scrotum sucking thief before anyone else...I'll castrate the bastard

Anonymous said...

Frankly, I'd be a little more concerned about that pipe bomb!!! Run!!! (Cuz you ain't gonna ridin'!)

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

What's with NYCers?
Just walk on by while a bicycle is being disassembled?
Passive collaboration sucks.

Anonymous said...

Those sons a bitches! I can't believe they stole your cock-pit! Even though you are a famous, rich dude I still feel bad for you!

Anonymous said...

Having had two bikes stolen from me, plus various components (or even quick release skewers!), I am inspired by your non-plussed take on the whole thing. I used to get pissed (or extremely saddened, at best) when stuff got stolen, but now I have a much more resigned attitude, much like yours. Shit happens.

Geekhouse and Mello Yello said...

Ha ha!

George Not Hincapie said...

Ya know, Geek; we were totally disinterested and done with you and the ant. Now ya went opened a can a whoop ass.

Nogocyclist said...

Theft in NYC must be distressing. Around here bicycle theft is so rare people lean Dura ace equipped bikes wherever when they need to go to the john, etc. The perpetrators around here do not realize bikes can be expensive. They just assume any bike is just a Big Box store bike.

Anyway, now you have a chance to make a statement. Take a broom stick (or mop handle) and some duct tape. You can produce a one of a kind stem and handlebar. Just image your fine ride being prominently displayed in the pages of fixedgear gallery.

John Romeo Alpha said...

"That said" again? Was your grammar book attached to the cockpit?

San Fran Nan said...

You got ripped off by some right-wing bastard. Holy fuck I hate those assholes.

Velocodger said...

Thieves always give some thin excuse..I don't steal except from the man, or big corporations, or some successful blogger from New York City...but you know what- that's bullshit! A thief is a thief- and y'all would rob yo mama if ya had the chance- Y'all are worthless warts on the skin of the world. Word.

Anonymous said...

It's kind of an insult to the rest of your bike, isn't it?

hey plum! said...

plum sez...I turn off the PPV TV porn, the PPV online porn, the free online porn, delete my disk and memory cache, restart my browser...???

nobody ever did that.

not never


George Not Hincapie said...

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Anonymous said...


pontious you have.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous said...

hoot79er said...

When I was 14 I had my Stingray bike stolen and I've never been the same since. I'm now 52. The scar runs deep.


Billy Reid said...

dick move, but what the naive thief doesn't know is that you've got the bloggeratti, twitteratti, UPSeratti, FedExeratti, USPSeratti, bikeeratti, snoberatti, new yorkeratti, fattyeratti, ANTeratti, and numerous other -erattis (definitely the Prollyeratti and maybe some hipsteratti) who will be hunting without ceasing for your missing cockpit. When we find the thief, we will surely beat him with a U-lock.

Chas said...

Could it be the "spyclists" are on tour?

Taylor Hurley said...

Maybe this will cheer you up...

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RobertUI said...

BSNYC that really sux. Sorry to hear about your misfortune. I've enjoyed your blog for quite some time, and wanted to offer up a bar/stem/lever combo for you if you need anything (which is doubtful). Email me, and I'll give you your pick and mail them out to you.

erik k said...

the dilemma of a NYC cyclist. who could blame snob for wanting a solid cockpit that fits well. someone should start a line of quality bike components (good materials, geometry ect) that are made to look really cheep and crappy. Good stuff that works well but looks like shit.

wirerick said...

I predict a fake post on craigslist using the picture from your blog, any guesses what happens next?

Udder said...

I had you pegged as a drop road bar with cantilever brakes kind of guy. What a strange world we live in.

Anonymous said...

Dude, your cockpit theft was mentioned in the NY Times:

Rich and Buttery said...

My condolences for your loss of property.

I hope your cockpit replacement is an improvement.

Planning to fill the socket cap screw heads with silicone sealant as a deterrent?

BTW, did Monster Track have a permit?
If not, where are the police?

Anonymous said...

Wow. Snobby gets hit with an Old School NYC cycling lesson...

Make you bike look ugly and worthless if you don't want it stolen. Same applies to parts.

Hide the logos and remove temptation.

Still, the theft sucks.

CommieCanuck said...

What's with NYCers?
Just walk on by while a bicycle is being disassembled?

Same in Toronto.

These guys work with amazing speed, the have a pair of cable cutters, and a 5mm Allen wrench on a power driver.
The local solution was to fill in all Allen bolt heads with silicone adhesive. It slows them down too much because you have to pick out the adhesive to turn the bolt.

Basically, this is what Scattante's are for, and why only a dumbass would commute on a pricey bike.

In North Carolina, I could leave my bike unattended all day. Most of those wide-loads wouldn't know what to do with a bike, except to hook it up to a 'still.

Unknown said...

i had this happen to me twice last year. both times road bars with sti shifters. added up to about a $1000 bucks. sucked hard

grog said...

After health care is fixed, we will have national bike theft insurance. Good people are working on it right now . . .

Anonymous said...

talk about a tug job with out a happy ending.

Pontius Pilate said...


De inimico non loquaris sed cogites.


nombei said...

cockpitless is the new brakeless!

Anonymous said...

Putting a thomson on a shitty bike instead of buying a crappy stem is like buying a cheap lock for your crappy bike.

You aren't going to be saving any money once you have to replace the stolen stuff with the things you should have bought in the first place.

Anonymous said...

What the Dude is saying is:

The Thompson stem really tied the cockpit together...

Mark said...

Dude, they left the wisecracker? Those are some stoopid thieves! Maybe they are planning on holding your cockpit for ransom.

Anonymous said...

maybe you should have used this..

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