Monday, February 8, 2010

Posable Figures: Playing With Yourself

Not too long ago, I received an email with the subject line "famous pie plate." Naturally, I opened it immediately--even though there was another email right next to it notifying me that I had just won the Irish lottery. (Yes, I take pie plates that seriously.) The sender was a bicycle shop mechanic, and awhile back he removed a pie plate from a customer's Trek. That customer, he assured me, was actor Jake Gyllenhaal, seen here swaddled in Raphinery and "palping" the offending plat de pâté en croûte:

According to the mechanic, he had been treating the pie plate as a sort of talisman, but its "awesome power" was now becoming too much for him to handle. (This is hardly surprising when you consider the provenance of the thing, and the fact that it's a mere one degree of separation from Heath Ledger's reflector.) For this reason, the mechanic was offering the pie plate to me, and I accepted it faster than a Garmin physiologist accepts a job at Radio Shack. Well, I'm pleased to announce that it has finally arrived, and here it is in all its paired spoke-protecting glory:

My first few moments of Jake Gyllenhaal pie plate ownership consisted mostly of holding it to my chest and murmuring "I can finally die now" over and over to myself. However, this elation soon gave way to a gnawing sense of self-doubt. Why was I so happy? I pondered this question for awhile and eventually realized that this pie plate was a actually a physical manifestation of my own insecurity. Certainly, when I take pleasure in the fact that Jake Gyllenhall is riding a bicycle with a "dork disc," or a "nerd rotor," or a "Fred cog," or whatever you choose to call it, it's really because I long to feel superior to him. Furthermore, it is just this sort of insecurity that feeds the lurid world of tabloid journalism and celebrity gossip. Sure, we may snigger over pictures of Jake Gyllenhaal on his bicycle, or rumors that Lady Gaga is a hermaphrodite (false), or that Larry King is a hermaphrodite (true). In the short term it makes us feel better about ourselves, but in the long term it is this very impulse that may cost us our souls.

It was then that I realized Jake Gyllenhall's pie plate was actually a monkey's paw, and that the mechanic had in fact passed the curse on to me by grifting me with the old "pie plate flim-flam." I've already learned my lesson though, and as the Who famously sang, "I shan't be hoodwinked a second time." In fact, I've already been in touch with the Irish lottery people to arrange for collection of my winnings. Clearly my luck is beginning to change.

Still, even the most self-assured cyclist can't help being amused by the juxtaposition of Rapha clothing and a pie plate. The former represents stereotypical roadie fastidiousness, and the latter is the prototypical cycling fashion faux-pas. Of course, Rapha loves to play up this image, which is why they recently published their Rules of the Road--though I was especially baffled by rules 5 and 6:

Firstly, scarves are for magicians and aging rock stars, and should not be worn while cycling at all. Secondly, leaving a gap between your arm warmers and jersey is insouciant high style, since it implies you either pulled them down hastily in the heat of battle, or that they fell down due to the relentless pounding of the cobbles:

Of course, even Rapha will surely admit that blind adherence to such rules is ridiculous. Like the pie plate, these fashion codes speak to our need to distinguish ourselves from those who we deem to be "inauthentic" somehow, when in truth it is often the people who become indignant over things like improper sock height and Japanese components on Italian frames who are the least authentic. Style is probably the least interesting aspect of cycling, and sometimes listening to someone wax poetic about what is "PRO" or about "vintage" Campagnolo is like watching someone dry-hump a loaf of stale Italian bread.

Then again, it's hard not to judge others when you watch something like "Pedaling." Amazingly, the producers keep releasing new episodes, and as I watched the latest one (entitled "Baking @ Birdbath") I found myself pitying poor Meredith Miller, an accomplished professional racer who in this installment is forced to endure cycling insight from a restauranteur. Here he is explaining that, with regard to winter riding, "I kinda have the 40-degree rule," to which Miller replies, "Yeah...right:"

Certainly judging others by the weather conditions in which they prefer to ride is like judging them by their bar tape color, and you shouldn't ride in the cold if you don't enjoy it. Indeed, being able to approach cycling casually is perhaps the best way to enjoy it and an attitude many of us would do well to adopt. That said, it's hard not to wonder why casual, fair-weather cycling requires such exotic equipment:

After this, the restauranteur hands Meredith Miller over to someone even more bizarre--a man who makes his comestibles "in a low-energy manufacturing situation," by which I assume he means he bakes them while stoned:

Given his hemp cardigan, I braced myself when he told Miller that he was going inside to get his bike. Sure enough, he came out looking like there was a fire back in the 19th century and he was going to put it out:

Even the unflappable Meredith Miller can't keep a straight face.

Still, there's an important difference between the person with pro equipment who only rides when it's warm and the guy who gets baked and rides around with a mixing bowl on his head, and sometimes looking crazy can be more dignified than trying to look the part. If you're going to play pro cyclist but you don't like physical discomfort then you might as well glue a bunch of figurines to your dashboard and just drive around, as in this video which was forwarded to me by a reader:



Yes, why pose yourself when you can let the toys do it for you?
Just make sure that if you do get carried away playing with your toys and attempt to ride a bicycle yourself that you learn Japanese and read the "Street Bike Culture Start Book!!" from "Loop" magazine, which was photographed and forwarded to me by another reader:


The bike polo look promises to be hot in 2010:

Somebody better write up some rules, because I'm not sure if your designer sunglasses should be worn over or under your "collabo" cap.

112 comments:

nombei said...

gay...

Surly Bastard said...

Podium!

Nogocyclist said...

Top 100

Unknown said...

4th!

Unknown said...

5th!

Unknown said...

6th!

Anonymous said...

yeah

Unknown said...

East Van represent!

Unknown said...

St. Valentines Massacre!

Anonymous said...

Meh

Anonymous said...

Eros Poli!

Anonymous said...

cool newss about the posables. At least they got the clothing right this time. except for the kicks. they should be rocking classic Adidas Sambas.
Where do I order?

Jefe said...

Top Twenty

ant1 said...

i want cycling figurines for my dashboard.

mander said...

Mand1st, and read the whole post.

Anonymous said...

I glued dinky cars on my drop bars. Take that, convention.

Anonymous said...

Pedaling video 3:41...
There's a bike lane to their left that they are not even using.

rural 14 said...

ant 2nd!

15 degrees = facemask & cold feet. A smidge of suffering? I'd prefer 40 degrees. Must ride all winter because
a. sad in car
b. why lose whatever slight fitness one has?

Looking like Darth Vader when leaving the house, filching my 7 year old's ski mask. Fred? Darth? Fred Vader?

Oh the humanity.

Anonymous said...

orec covers nicely all things stylish.

Anonymous said...

I believe that restuaranteur (is that French?) needs to cut down on his foie gras.

Astroluc (Find me on Tumblr and Instagram @Astroluc) said...

twentee too?

Anonymous said...

"... consumption..."

hillbilly said...

maybe he should consider wearing gloves.

Anonymous said...

TOP 40

Anonymous said...

I can't stand it when teammates talk about something being 'so pro' and I may kill if this "PAS" (pro as shit) crap catches on.

mikeweb said...

Wow, coulda podiumed, but went down the rabbit hole of the OREC...

Fine job, SB!

Anonymous said...

Instead of a 40 degree rule, restaurant guy should try a 40 lb. rule.

REST RANT
HEVY DUDE

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

Nogocyclist said...

I love how the Food and Cycling video made a point of low power consumption in the bakery. Then in this video they could have cooked the granola bars in a dormitory size toaster oven, but they cooked them in a commercial oven big enough for the use of an average size college cafeteria.

I am shocked that I made the podium. I just casually came to the blog. I guess everyone stayed up too late celebrating or forgetting the win, by the team we used to call the "Aints" down here in the south.

RANTWICK said...

Hey Snob,

I've stopped leaving "nice post" comments because given your high readership, my opinion couldn't and shouldn't matter much... but I couldn't resist this time. I really enjoyed this one. Well done.

brother yam said...

I don't fear no gnome or pixie,
Long's I got my plastic fixie
Ridin' on the dashboard of my car...

Fingerbang Assistant said...

Big George "tongue-banging" on the cobbles, sweet.

Disgruntl Ed. said...

I like to think of such people as restaurandonneurs.

db said...

40-degree rule? Wow. And these videos are supposed to attract people to cycling?

Thanks for riding 2-abreast in traffic, with a bike lane right next to you (3:39). That's why motorists love us.

PS: Birdbath guy IS sporting a scarf. He's more Rapha than he first appears.

Anonymous said...

Entering a cat 4 race on a full crabon, Campy Record 11 bike is like entering a Formula 1 race car in a parking lot autocross - but with a Briggs and Stratton lawnmower engine.

MINGUStheMECHANIC said...

She should at least take the helmet off while shopping at whole foods, geeze

That's Not My Age said...

Designer glasses should be worn without the cap.

Jefe said...

Wait, there's a Whole Foods on West 98th? When I grew up in that neighborhood we had a bodega that sold numbers and stale candy.

Jefe said...

Pie plate ... bakery ... fat-assed cyclist who eats too much cake to ride a $5K bike. Great dessert-related theme today!

powermatic said...

"...I take pleasure in the fact that Jake Gyllenhall is riding a bicycle with a "dork disc"...."

Not to be a "stickler" for accuracy, but if you have said 'dork disc' in your possession, would not the obvious conclusion be that J.G. is, in fact, not, and I'm quoting here, "riding a bicycle with a dork disc" which would render your entire train of thought erroneous?

Caveat: I've never been to NYC, however I've been to Portland,OR hundreds of times so that may be skewing my perception of your statement. At any rate, "TIA" for an explanation

ringcycles said...

Yes, Bruce, aka the pudgy pansy pastry pusher, might improve his pulchritude if he purchased some gloves and knee warmers to make riding below 40 degrees more pleasant.

Then again, I'd look porky riding next to Meredith Miller too. But I wouldn't boast about a whopping 70 mile route.

rezado said...

59. The Cyclist shall own a sizeable parrot and will ensure that he is seen walking around photo shoots with it perched either upon his casually outstretched index finger or upon his shoulder. Hair should be slicked back for maximal effect. The parrot should either be white or it should contain three (3) or more colors found within the World cup stripes. One must always smile when pictured with the parrot. The parrot should speak fluent Italian. In certain cases it is deemed advisable that the Euro Cyclist possess, in place of a parrot, SEVERAL young pumas.

Anonymous said...

I have a 50-90 rule. I also live in San Diego, which means that I can ride 363 days a year.

People can mock the guy's 40 degree rule, but I'll bet that most of the mockers are on their trainers during winter, or they ride once a month when it's cold just to remind themselves how tough they are.

If you are a year-round commuter in a cold climate, on the other hand, my hat and scarf are off to you.

Jefe said...

Hey Anonymous 2:14, keep your hat and scarf, and get some gloves. It was 10 degrees Farenheit when I rode in today. It doesn't hit 40 in Upstate NY until April. Must be nice in Southern CA.

Anonymous said...

very useful article. I would love to follow you on twitter. By the way, did you know that some chinese hacker had hacked twitter yesterday again.

sufferist said...

I have very little fashion sense in my daily outer wear. For the most part, I leave it up to the thrift store Gods to determine what my wardrobe will be. Same thing for the bike, but jerseys and cycling specific accessories are few and far between. So if you purchased shorts from a super-secret online store or you have gained too much weight over the holidays to fit into your stretchy pants, please take a moment to donate them. I currently often look like I just dropped out of the late 80's/early 90's on my bike and would like to try to push for a more turn of the century look.

It's all in your hands.

. said...

This is bullshit. Not the article but that guy's sweet ass bike.


Also if you're in New Brunswick then head to the Bike Library.
We're rad as hell, and we chill hard as shit. For serial though, Check it out.

Unknown said...

Thanks, Jefe-- but I am made of weaker stuff. It's amazing how quickly your blood thins when you move to a mild climate. Someday I'll buy some gloves and brave the elements... and probably die.

I am the engine said...

"Entering a cat 4 race on a full crabon, Campy Record 11 bike is like entering a Formula 1 race car in a parking lot autocross - but with a Briggs and Stratton lawnmower engine."

Classic, reverse snobitis

mikeweb said...

I was thinking the same thing as Meredith was strolling around the WF with her helmet still on. She probably forgot to take it off - I've done the same thing, though not while in such an elite purveyor of fine foods.

You'd thought the cameraperson would've said something...

My thermometer said 23 when I left my place to ride into work today. I wore gloves.

BTW, RIP

Salty and Sore said...

"I shan't be hoodwinked a second time."

shucks. I thought I had put it behind me after all these years. I was hoodwinked out of my shants once, too. He regretted it more than I did, though.

Philadelphia workers compensation lawyer said...

Nicely done, these pedaling videos are making me think that I should stop riding my bike for anything of a practical nature.

SEPTA said...

Silky smooth at 40 mph (still suck on Friday's video).

Paul said...

"She should at least take the helmet off while shopping at whole foods, geeze"

When I was a kid, no one wore a helmet riding bikes, but now kids (and adults) do all the time. Thius prctice is now apparently spreading to shopping, and you have to admit, the injury statistics are much better if you are wearing a helmet and have an accident while shopping.

Anonymous said...

"40 degree rule"

For the benefit of all readers using the SI/metric system, could you provide conversions?
I have no idea if 40ºF cycling is supposed to freeze my tits off or make my crotch sweatier than Mark Cavendish on a TdF climb. And I'm much too Eurocentric and snobbish/lazy to make the conversion myself.
Thanks!

Sprocketboy said...

-4F on the ride in this morning (nasty wind blowing) here in Canada. 40F sounds kind of summery. Maybe a red mixing bowl on my head would just make it feel warmer.

Sprocketboy said...

Anonymous 3:15: 40F is 4C. Like in Tahiti.

c-record said...

poor meredith, she is too nice.

Anonymous said...

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMerideth MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMilller


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Anonymous said...

All this talk of the Meredith chick and "playing with yourself" led me to the following gallery, courtesy of Google search:

http://www.orangecountyfixed.com/2008/06/07/hot-chicks-on-hot-bikes-nsfw/

*FAP FAP FAP FAP*

ervgopwr said...

Anon 1:48, actually I rode my crabon 11spd bike in the Cat III race yesterday. But don't worry, I put all 11 speeds to good use and passed (not failed), and Jefe, it IS nice in SoCal.

But I do like to think I would ride in what ever inclement weather happened to be where I could theoretically live. It's a nice thought exercise.

Grinner said...

40 F in NYC is pretty miserable if you aren't wearing a chicken suit.

g said...

Grinner,
NYC is pretty miserable if you aren't wearing a chicken suit.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Since we're on the topic of cycling fashion, I recently got prescription sunglasses. When I wear them in the proscribed fashion over my helmet straps, it tends to stretch out the frames, and they slide down when wearing then off the bike.

What to do, what to do?

Is there a panel I can appear before to plead my case for a dispensation? Will they issue me a special card which I can carry with me on group rides to keep the other riders from making fun of me?

flynn said...

killer remix, brother yam. you ought to sell it to Jared Leto's band

martin stenger said...

67th!

hillbilly said...

wonder if the guy scaling the manhattan bridge has anything to do with the 'ride solidarity' banner, or maybe it's just an odd day on the bridge.

Rick Donkey said...

Anonymous @ 3:15

If you attempt to ride in 40F temps gloveless and decked out in your "summer kit" (dainty tights)like Mr. Parlee, you'll most certainly get cold. It's all about the layers.

Disgruntl Ed. said...

WIWM, as I understand it, wearing your glasses with arms over the helmet straps is the prescribed method, not the proscribed one. I think your problem stems from the fact that you mistakenly got proscription sunglasses. You can't do anything with these without someone telling you it's wrong.

Anonymous said...

My friend and I were recently talking about how modern society has evolved to become so integrated with technology. Reading this post makes me think back to that debate we had, and just how inseparable from electronics we have all become.

I don't mean this in a bad way, of course! Ethical concerns aside... I just hope that as memory becomes less expensive, the possibility of uploading our brains onto a digital medium becomes a true reality. It's one of the things I really wish I could encounter in my lifetime.

(Submitted from Nintendo DS running [url=http://crystalguo.vox.com/library/post/how-does-the-r4i-or-r4-work.html]R4i[/url] NetBlog)

edom bin necker said...

too tuckered out from friday to be in the runing

i suck at these stage races

Anonymous said...

If we're so integrated with technology, where's my crabon pie plate derivative?

NickO said...

Meredith, take the helmet off when you're not on the bike!

Anonymous said...

I miss Style Man.

Cycling to a PhD said...

Disembodied hand:

http://velonews.competitor.com/2010/02/road/boss-hoggs-bike-a-ben-delaney-gallery_104248?pid=1988

Anonymous said...

Wow, I didn't watch the video, but that was none other than Maury Rubin, self-proclaimed King Of Tarts! My first job in NYC was at City Bakery and I used to park my scwhinn in the basement after riding-in from Ft Green before sunrise. He's only riding cause he has a thing for younger women in lycra.

Helen said...

But I wanted to read you mock this: http://bikereviews.com/2010/02/lance-armstrong-michelob-ultra-super-bowl-commercial

George Not Hincapie said...

The reason why Meredith Miller is wearing her helmet in Whole Foods is to protect herself from embarrassment.

It is written: "From a strictly talmudic point of view, however, the only moment when a Jew is required to cover his head is during prayer or when participating in a lame video production where excellence meets douchebagum."

As long as Meredith continues to wear her kippa, or helmet, she will be allowed to deny any link to this pitiful project.

Test Tickle said...

seriously, who rides a Parlee in sub-50 degree weather? oh, wait, were you referring to the lack of gloves?

IMST ONED

balls.

the truth hurts said...

the less skills you have, the more important looks become.

John Romeo Alpha said...

"That said," the pie plate of English writing! Protect that sentence with a useless prepended piece of crap plastic!

Anonymous said...

nice read. I would love to follow you on twitter. By the way, did any one hear that some chinese hacker had hacked twitter yesterday again.

eeeeeeeeee said...

They should teach OREC in high school after reading Hemingway.

El Gringo Mas Blanco said...

dry-hump a loaf of stale Italian bread

Geez, you say that like it's a bad thing....

Anonymous said...

as noted previously on this blog. Cannondale pie plate recall http://www.usrecallnews.com/2009/03/cpsc-4655.html

Anonymous said...

My go-boys and I were recently talking about how modern society has evolved to become so integrated with sexuality. Reading this post makes me think about posts and masturbate, and just how inseparable from go-boys we have all become.

I don't mean this in a predatory way, of course! Ethical concerns aside... I just hope that as memory becomes less expensive, people will have forgotten that i manipulated them and the possibility of uploading our brains onto a digital medium becomes a true reality that i can erase. It's one of the things I really wish I could encounter in my lifetime of shaving gerbils and finding the right vacumn

Anonymous said...

That polo player is missing a beard and a tall can.

Stevo said...

long post. i wish a woulda had a spoke protector when me chain went into me spokes.

b said...

what gear is mr. gyllenhaal pushing?

Anonymous said...

..restaurateur..

Odile Lee said...

In some ways Im first , unless some other Aussie posted first!

I tend to 'palp' the 'ride until you are wearing too many clothes to bend your arms look'. Staypuff marshmallow men/women look is always in style at my house.

Odile Lee said...

This was a screamingly funny one, by the way!! Nice job!!

Odile Lee said...

'I just hope that as memory becomes less expensive, the possibility of uploading our brains onto a digital medium becomes a true reality. It's one of the things I really wish I could encounter in my lifetime.'

Dude,try analog.

Its called 'writing'.

Anonymous said...

Kerry, maaaaaaate, some of us Aussies had other things on our minds today. Like this bogan tosser's attempt to slang off cyclists.. and bring the Brisbane cycling communities blood to the boil.. 3 anti bike articles in as many days.. has QLD slipped back into the 80's?? or is the courier mail just as un-newsworthy as always..

http://www.news.com.au/couriermail/story/0,,26692804-27197,00.html

saturday's front page story was even more of a joke... you blokes in NYC might be fighting sub freezing temps on your commute but we're stuck here with a bunch of bogans in their V8 utes on a mission to teach cyclists "a lesson".. f-ing prickS! I think I'd rather it started snowing.

Jefe said...

I woke up last night wondering if a pie plate would have saved me $800 on a new derailluer, chain, and rear wheel. I was going up a 19% grade hill at maximum torque (for me), and I felt the chain pop and freeze. I snapped a rear wheel spoke so hard it caught the chain and the force of my crank then severed the bolt holding the derailleur to the hanger. A pie plate might have kept the spoke from getting sucked into the chain. Of course, I would have looked like a dork the rest of the time. Forget it.

Anonymous said...

Jake as a roadie ain't cutting it for me. Must be those hairy legs.

Anonymous said...

CROUTON LOVER

Anonymous said...

frilly, do tell us what cuts it for you!

Anonymous said...

frilly, do tell us what cuts it for you!

Odile Lee said...

I agree anon.
'We're cyclists. We're fit and we're green and we're better than you'

These pricks are making it unsafe to ride anywhere in Oz.
Ive never had so many people who drive cars act like they never make any mistakes, and that despite the law - we share the road( indeed all roads here) - that we dont belong.
Good call, anon.

Jealousy is a ugly thing.
They just hate the fact that everyone is out being fit and looking good while they drive around

bike locks said...

Great post, feel like I owe a little something to the past though.

Unknown said...

That pie plate is the best product Keith Bontrager has ever designed and produced. Keep up the good work Keith! I look forward to purchasing the 2011 version when it becomes available.

Bam Margera said...

A cycling helmet helps when purposefully crashing shopping carts in WF or its parking lot.

Chinese Hacker said...

'I just hope that as memory becomes less expensive, the possibility of uploading our brains onto a digital medium becomes a true reality. It's one of the things I really wish I could encounter in my lifetime.'

... and then I will hack the shit out of it!

Unknown said...

Snigger? Is that really a word?

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roddyj said...

Dammit! What temp was that oven at!? Thanks for nothing Pedaling...

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