You Must Be Crazy: Strength of Conviction

As you may recall, last week ended on a controversial note, and a few readers were angered at my characterization of the imminent Williamsburg naked bike ride protest as "ill-advised and potentially embarrassing." As one reader said:

So theists and snarky bloggers get to determine the rule of law in Brooklyn? Direct action is bad because you went to Bard? Your hipster hate is getting a bit stale, no?

I would just like to clarify that I hate nobody, hipster or non-hipster, as my belief system does not allow it. (I believe that all humans are merely eggs lain by an all-powerful Chicken God, and when the Mixing Bowl of Truth descends from the heavens we shall be cast into it, poured into the Non-Stick Pan of Tribulation, and finally granted eternal life in the Omelette of Revelation.) Moreover, I have nothing against Bard College, which according to Wikipedia houses "the largest zine library on the East Coast" and as such is nothing less than a national treasure. Most importantly, I obviously do not get to "determine the rule of law in Brooklyn," because if I did not only would Aerospokes be illegal but failure to worship poultry would be punishable by plucking.

In any case, as usually happens with bickering, it turns out it was all for naught since a snowstorm hit and nobody got naked after all:

This underscores a fundamental requirement of outrageous protest, which is that if you say you're going to do something crazy you need to at least follow through with it. Unfortunately, though, "following through" is not exactly the strong suit of the so-called "hipster." Meanwhile, they've pitted themselves against the Hasidim, whose very existence is pretty much based on crazy behavior, and who have been following through with this behavior reliably for a really long time. All the "hipsters" had to do was take their shirts off and ride for a few minutes, yet their adversaries have been not doing stuff on Saturday, dressing like weirdos, and taking diet advice from "God" for centuries. Not only that, but the Hasidim even stuck to their crazy behavior when they were threatened with death, while all the "hipsters" were really facing was the prospect of cold nipples. Really, trying to compete with the Hasidim in this regard is like challenging Michael Jordan to a game of H-O-R-S-E. If the game is being crazy, you just can't win.

Fortunately for the "hipsters," in the larger sense they have already won, since the world of craziness in which the Hasidim live is a small one, and both sanity and a gigantic new bike lane can be found just a few blocks over. In fact, one city official calls it "the Cadillac of bike paths," which is perhaps the dumbest description for a bike lane I've ever heard. It's sort of like calling the boiled chicken "the suckling pig of Jewish cuisine." At least he didn't call it "the Mavic R-Sys of bike paths," which would mean that it was full of land mines.

Speaking to the tenacity with which one clings to one's beliefs, the New York Times "Spokes" blog recently reported on a Brooklyn bike shop that doesn't want to sell fixed-gears even though not doing so could drive them out of business:

I visited the shop's website in order to see if they really don't sell fixed-gears at all, or if they do sell them but only reluctantly (sort of like how Victoria's Secret will probably sell a man lingerie for his own use, though probably not with the same degree of enthusiasm), and I'm still not certain. Of course, it seems to me that it is fairly easy to sell fixed-gear bicycles that are not daredevilist hipster chariots with no brakes, though I have a feeling that it may be the Times and not Lit Fuse bicycles who are making this distinction. Either way, a Brooklyn bike shop that won't sell fixed-gears is like a San Francisco taquería that won't sell burritos, and we've reached a paradoxical new age where a bike shop now seems orthodox and old-fashioned for insisting on selling only bicycles that feature modern technology.

I do hope the shop succeeds--not because I'm against fixed-gears, but because I'm for local businesses. Similarly, I hope the "Hipster vs. Hasidim" controversy is over--not because I'm on a particular side, but because the outcome is rarely conclusive in matters like this and regardless of which side you're on you just wind up seething and angry. It's far more pleasant to follow the world of professional cycling, where (barring positive drug test results) the outcome of the races is clear, and where choosing a team to root for is as simple as picking out a pair of underpants in the morning. (In both cases, some people need to be assured of cleanliness, while others are satisfied by a quick smell test and a cursory visual inspection.)

Unfortunately, at the moment being a cycling fan is difficult. Sure, cyclocross season is in full swing (or "portage") in Europe, but following it closely still requires finding strange websites and listening to Flemish commentary. In this country, all the coverage is centered around road racing, but all the pro roadies are doing now is breaking in their new chamoises and conducting "team building" exercises (mostly a form of hazing involving practical jokes using last season's chamoises) at their various training camps. This is not exactly exciting, though I did notice something interesting at Astana training camp in Italy:

It would appear that Contador is considering finally abandoning his trademark "fingerbang" in favor of the more visually stunning and symbolic "pretending to hold up famous landmarks" gesture. And as if this illusion wasn't mind-bending enough, a pigeon is in turn pretending to hold Contador up in the air with his beak while a delighted bystander (or bysitter) looks on:

Also, judging from Contador's uniform he appears to still be using last year's chamois, though it's a good thing he's not actually on last year's team too. If he were, instead of "team building," he and Lance Armstrong might be actively attempting to sabotage one-another. As it is, this is already happening in Oakland, as you can see in this Craigslist ad which was sent to me by a reader:

Bike assassin=0, Me=1 (oakland downtown)
Date: 2009-12-14, 12:14AM PST

Me: Super cool, normal guy
You: Trying to kill me

Not to brag or anything but I have a lot of friends. I'm cool. I'm likable. I haven't wronged anyone in any serious way... recently. So imagine my surprise when I get on my bike after your average ugly christmas sweater party only to find that my brake cables have been cut. This was some serious spy stuff - the brake cables (which are really strong!) were cut cleanly enough to give out right when I got out into traffic.

Fortunately, I was able to stop without any problems (phew!).

Question 1: Who are you?

Question 2: What the hell were you thinking?

Question 3 Did you cut the cables on the wrong bike?

Question 4: Is this some weird way of flirting? (if so, I'm taken, but flattered)

Question 5: What does YOUR bike look like?

All kidding aside, I could've died. Please refrain from life-threatening gestures. I'll graciously accept such alternatives as: slashing my tires, stealing my wheels, or simply me taking you out for a beer.

I hope this is an isolated incident and not some sort of sabotage trend that is going to work its way eastward. I also hope this isn't the work of some sort of violent brakeless fixed-gear cabal who are determined to undermine the efficacy of caliper brakes by prompting failures like this worldwide while distracting us with sexy girl calendars:

Actually, the rider on the left seems to have had an accident. I wonder if her bike was sabotaged.