(European eBay auction photo, via Fyxomatosis)
I was inspired by the owner's can-do spirit, though I was less impressed with the Tribune's reporting. Firstly, they failed to coax from him the sorts of anecdotes that would be of interest to cyclists. (I'm sure he's had to dip into his stock while out on the road to "MacGyver" himself out of some tricky situations. After all, what cyclist hasn't booted a tire with a flavored condom?) Secondly, the accompanying video is preceded by a commercial for a child talent search that begins, "Hey Kids!":
(Child indicates the size of her dreams.)
I'm glad that the Chicago Tribune expects lots of kids to be watching their video about the man who delivers vibrators and pornography on his bicycle for a living.Speaking of phallic things, you may recall I recently mentioned that a Dick Power bicycle would be a perfect complement to the VAGX messenger bag. Well, I've since received a heartfelt plea from a reader on Long Island who is in possession of an actual Dick Power frame and fork and needs to sell. Now, ordinarily I observe a strict policy of not using this blog as a platform to help individuals make sales. However, the opportunity to help somebody acquire a Dick Power is simply too novel to pass up. As such, if you're interested in getting your hands on a Dick Power, contact the owner via email at this address. The size of the frame is apparently somewhere in the neighborhood of 56cm. That's nearly two feet of Dick Power! Again, I do not know or vouch for the seller, nor do I stand to profit from the sale, but do I take puerile pleasure in cringe-worthy puns so if I can help two people exchange money for Dick Power then I'm just happy to be involved in some way.
Moving on from Dick Power to long headtubes, a proud Seven owner has forwarded me a picture of his ride:
On Monday I expressed consternation over the fact that so many expensive Sevens have an abundance of headset spacers despite being custom-built for each rider. As such, this particular reader wanted me to know that when ordering his own bike he insisted it have no more than 10mm of spacers, which resulted in a clean look and a headtube that could be described as "epic." Personally, I think it looks like it was backed into some kind of miniaturization ray but only passed halfway through, and I don't see why the top tube couldn't also be more level to minimize this effect, but I won't pretend to understand the "magic" that goes into custom-tuning each Seven's ride characteristics. At least the frame actually looks like it was built to fit the rider. In any case, I thank this reader for the photo and I congratulate him on his bike--though a wider view reveals that his dog is unimpressed:
Having said that, I now present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think carefully, and click on your answer. If you're right, you'll know it. If you're wrong, you'll see this lo-fi promotional video for the Neuvation crabon fiber road frame, forwarded to me by the proprietor of Metal Inquisition.
Best of luck, and ride safe this weekend.
--BSNYC/RTMS
1) Which is not an actual reason given by the seller of this bike for its SPMBL (Seat Post-Mounted Brake Lever)?
--It "make it cool to run a brake"
--"cause you never know when you need and emergency brakes and you are not running clips"
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipIjwKNdl3746RjuGlxmi2dTHog_rk94dbSKlyny3GR3QwPj5dfVZVOx3Gl13l3lZaVb4TjIfIbl-i_RmVuz9ZuN88eECavaHPBJkhey03vXvj_djnNIGJ33KB_PTJpm5cn01lkE-vHhwq/s400/snowbike.jpg)
2) Which is not an actual selling point given for this bike?
--"Perfect for commuting and just leaving outdoors"
--"Great for everyday use"
--"Recently overhauled"
--"Great 'Winter bike'"
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdR2F96CNfavHI2BSpmOp-UPX-5MXHzQRKkB4BhM7tnOUIaZrqXuTmUnbSFjbEuU8cZtiQzVB7syirwUlBgY06kCUkQZS_t9iluaqvAZ0KYgnCbUpJjrhE143iMxqTAlx-xymU6-AS4wLR/s400/woodgrain.jpg)
3) According to the owner, this SE Lager:
--"Kills it on the regular"
--"Attracts beaver"
--"Turns heads allday"
--"Attracts beavers"
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5SIBScdcanhugnT8WMZbKLMI6yI4sbH8hFSZ3HQn11J3fnBCKNgLyvsaFOUMAPRYzRP969ST_q5B9_b9J5rnU1YVxCC_ai_OobE0CRf63gy32mWVc_OWKujODxrNvhOdfevrozCOr4gPS/s400/Profile+Design+Pursuit+Bars+%28INTEGRATED+STEM,+CARBON%21%21%29.jpg)
4) According to the seller, these bars are:
--"Rad"
--"Fierce"
--"Awesome sauce"
--All of the above
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjafvQ-T7OPQLCJRIA5q2g11vAALXj3bXT87EAp87DGCHqMMtlXiTb779jcGOxYDPkrx_DKI6qeM6J2pff95XuNDgISkMWMJwqnHd93j8DUHahKGViQj7Y76Qdykkh5Lr6nMJ91KOcrbFF1/s400/mini+pfar.jpg)
--San Francisco, CA
--Portland, OR
--Vancouver, BC
--Seattle, WA
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9CbuEANe1xkVO-ipbLH_nxf9E_r9SOQBP357zBiPGgp2EQlodJeS2gwZXYP-FUEEAko5_hghlbSGVvyvh40WhBFmEewsng7V1GuTPY4prlSLdsg539WBahfVphzC-Sk19IsFK5JT8csaV/s400/pink+bars.jpg)
6) Where was this unorthodox bar setup spotted?
--The Urban Outfitters in Santa Cruz, CA
--"No Brakes" track bike boutique in Atlanta, GA
--Juan Pelota, the cafe at Mellow Johnny's bike shop in Austin, TX
--The vegan student co-op store at UC San Diego
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwiWUIsT1nd3miCZwWqMN_owS2BM3YPU4JX-b8I7HtQrGP4Ae7YFO72sLP75hKst67h_jD5bNE6QLwgV4U-KfcQ1Wj-aNOkJ6Fna30QSlMEar0h74Tewu4asc_EBhBsiZ-FRc9R5ZjdzN3/s400/cars.jpg)
7) This image depicts which dreaded mechanical phenomenon?
--Seal Drag
--Smoking Races
--Cooked Tires
--Difficulty shifting under load
8) Whose knuckles are these?
--Hooch of Peddlin Kustoms
--Pooch of Peddlin' Customz
--Mooch of Meddlin' Kustomz
--Richard Sachs
118 comments:
Toppermost of the poppermost
second
ye gods
Where is everyone?
Woot! Woot!
Top 10!!!
Top 10!
Shootin' fish in a barrel.
i don't believe it
zoom
coasting
Seven owners grass could do with a cut - first real comment.
Somebody stop me.
Too Excited? Overkill? I'll stop.
I think i passed. .
FIRST!!!
i don't think that's a dog. looks more like a monkey.
Forgot to say it's my birthday - same as Bob Marley, Ronald Reagan and Rick Astley. I bask in their reflected glory. Oh and happy Waitangi day, kiwis.
I just added "Awesome Sauce" to my vernacular repertoire.
y
http://homepage.ntlworld.com/pete.meg/wcc/facility-of-the-month/July2004.htm
Forget the vegan bike's bar unorthodoxy, check out the locking method's rejection of the dominant paradigm.
libary porn
wes is on fire!!!
ici
and then there is:
http://failblog.org/2008/03/09/dangerous-bike-lane/
The No-head-bikini pic, oldest trick in the (beer) advertising book. Bor-ing.
Those pics of the rad bars are barely safe for work. Btw, RB1, I don't know for sure what that animal is, but it's definitely NOT a monkey.
why isn't the euro-ebay pic rendered safely in sepia tone? Snob, in this recession, managers are looking for easy layoffs, and the NSFS threshold has officially been lowered to include poorly lit gratuitous triathlete bikini shots.
NSFW?
That Seven picture is too disturbing:
How is that bike standing up? Does it have an unseen kickstand? Or is the tree emitting some forcefield that the bike can lean against?.
About that tree, it's so amazing it needs to be illuminated at night. What exactly is so amazing?
Where are the cars? This place looks like it was made for the things.
That's not a dog or a monkey. It's a beaver with blonde highlights and a tail that has been amputated. I can't stand that kind of cruelty.
Worst of all, that headtube is weirdly long. The whole frame looks wrong.
This picture must have been sent from some other dimension. I don't care to know which.
DUDE! listen to the neuvation video with headphones on. Thats all I'm saying.
creepy
Nick--
Hearing "It's beefy" whispered into my left year harks back to my days in San Francisco.
That, my friends, is a Weimaraner, a princely hunting dog. It is not a monkey or a beaver.
and exactly the type of dog which a seven owner would get
I hope that Seven-owner picks up after Fay Ray.
I am not a dog or a monkey or a beaver. I am a wombat. Can I get a little privacy?
I just added "Awesome Sauce" to my vernacular repertoire.
I just added some "Awesome Sauce" to my vernacular repertoire, and then added both to my pants.
A good post, but it neglected to mention that today is Rip Torn's birthday, a fact even overlooked by Wes in his Feb. 6 compilation. (Do not ask me why I know that today is Rip Torn's B-day.)
BTW, Wes, I noted that you share a birthday with a former president, Ronald Reagan. I share a birthday with a former president, too...July 6, George W. Bush. Wanna trade?
Wow, the Nuvatron (or whatever it's called) frame proves that even pieces of shit can be vertically compliant!
And because Waitangi Day is now over here, I'm disappointed that I didn't know we could've celebrated it as Rick Astley Day...
AND Rip Torn!
It just gets better...
How can you have a blog posting that includes Dick and Sachs but not Michael Ball (singular) or Lance Armstrong (ball, singular)?
dog pooping behind a seven bike, funniest thing on this site all week.
This is a Wombat,
the symbol of our land.
You can put it in your pocket,
or you can hold it in your hand.
If you don't give me a trillion dollars you are going to eat leftover dog food and drink your own pee for the rest of your life.
Can't a marmot take a dump without being called all kinds of names?
Anonymous 1:57, that is the hardest I've laughed all week!
Added both to your pants! Hahahahahahaha!
That Seven is botched plastic surgery. It's "fixed" but that John-Holmes-length head tube is utterly out of proportion with the rest of the bike -- ugly. Why not get a stem with a little rise in it?
I bet that gangly loser with the seven has a tattoo.
Keep makin' fun of my bike and I'll eat the puppy and make YOU my bitch!
I assume that Neuvation video was filmed in the prison where the frame was made, using a video camera with a lens made from a clear plastic cup smuggled from the cafeteria. And that audio - it was though the inmate-manufacurer was actually breathing in my ear as he whispers "vertically compliant." I want one of those frames.
Christ, the head tube on that Seven, why doesn't the owner just get some apehanger bars??
-B
a "chopped carbon&fiber" handlebar on that portland peugeot with cottered cranks for $265? Whoever buys this bike should have just paid someone $265 to kill them...
Love the mini-penny!!
#8
I thought it was Lennard Zinn.
TALL DORK
meh
Heeeeeer, kitty, kitty, kitty.
You birthday boys can get the special deal on a pachyderm jersey! Order it in small size.
PAKY DERM
waitaminutewaitaminute
A tall stem means you're riding a frame too small, but of a footlong seatpost we have "At least the frame actually looks like it was built to fit the rider."
I understand that shorter chainstays can give you stiffer=more efficient power transfer so you might be better off with a smaller frame, but if you can build a stiff seat post so your hips don't wiggle when you crank, why can't you get a stiff stem so you can pull on the bars?
innerrlightter 2:57=
JUST DORK
BikeSnob outed? Probably not. Team Two Wheel
oh dear gawd, between the dog taking a poop and that Neuvation, this has been the best way to wrap up a week in a long time.
Morgan-
Everyone knows that there's no such thing as a cyclist over 6'2":
Case in Point
Dave! 2:03
You stand corrected on your critique that BikeSnobNYC did not consider Mr. Armstrong today.
Please reference the third choice of the Friday Quiz #6 for Lance worship in this RTMS blog post.
I'd rather drink gravel, broken glass, and razorblades
Don't forget to check out the twitter links!
Nancy 2:09
If you're going to drink your own urine then don't forget your sterile technique when inserting the coude for the Urophagia Bladder Free Cameltoe Hydration Device, UBFCHD
Also, for your own personal knowledge base, dog food droppings wash out of this jersey with out staining too badly.
Love that dog!
Anon 3:49
Because of the surgical drapes it's easy to mistake this for a dog dick. He's human.
Anyone else just get a craving for hotdogs?
That Neuvation video made me dizzy. I need to lie down.
Apropos, BSA Cuatro (3:27). I could argue that the reference is oblique, but I defer to your superior grasp of español.
VELV EETA
Hmmmm, that is some fierce cheese.
(BSNYC -- the unimpressed dog bit -- very nice. The classics really never do go out of style.)
Ride safe all!
In Copenhagen, they know how to deliver "marital aids" by bike: www.copenhagencyclechic.com/2009/01/dildohagen.html.
You suckers fell for it, that's just a regular-sized Seven with 20" wheels.
The dog was nonplussed
"Carbon & Fiber?" It's the Muesli of bikes, and like the Muesli of food, makes me think of poop.
A penguin drives into a service station on a really hot day with his engine smoking.
He asks the mechanic to take a look, while he goes across the street to buy some ice cream. He emerges minutes later with the ice cream dripping all over him, and approaches the mechanic.
" what's wrong with the car?" says the penguin.
"I think you blew a seal" says the mechanic.
"Nah, that's just ice cream".
AWESOME SAUCE
Jobst Brandt knows about long headtubes..
Now this is a headtube
I'm going retro this spring, but P-farthings are sooo 2008.
I likes my dandy horse.
Horsin' it. Olde school.
DNDY HRSE
Commie,
"It looks like" you blew a seal.
...but I digest
and this one?
...i'm gonna 'zefal' one a' wes's wheels if he continues like this on the next lap...
...tryin' to decide if it should be a simple "rear wheel: betcha didn't know a bike could stop THAT fast, huh wes ???" to make a point or whether maybe to go for the more spectacular "front wheel: damn, look at wes, he's doing gymnastics AND having a yard sale !!!" bet he never does that again, approach...
...just speculatin'...
I wish idiots would not continue to repeat the myth that it's illegal to have no handbrake on a fixed gear bike in Portland. The law states that you must have a brake that can skid the rear wheel, and a fixed hub definitely allows you to skid. When they re-wrote the law they changed it to being able to stop from 10 mph in a distance 15' which any fixed gear bike with a semi-competent rider can do.
Two cops harassing bike messengers, and a judge that goes along with them do not make it illegal. The rest of the cops in Portland could give a shit less as long as you are obeying the traffic laws.
...& commiecanuk...
...hey, if they're good enough for 'levi leipheimer'...
Dave!
Oblique?
Si, pero todos los caminos conducen directamente a Lance.
It's illegal to have no handbrake on a fixed gear in Portland.
It's illegal to have no handbrake on a fixed gear in Portland.
http://blog.wired.com/cars/2009/02/lightlanes-lase.html?cid=147874465#comment-147874465
Last comment is the best!!!
Skidmarkpdx-
It's not so much the Rose Patrol but the self righteous weekend-warriors who know what's best for everyone and aren't afraid to tell you every time you fuck up, that you gotta watch out for.
I think it's against the law a lot of places, but so is sodomy in the "great" state of Idaho (All sodomy acts illegal. Penalty = (5 years to life)) it doesn't mean that people still won't do it. Just do it in your own house (which is where most hipster keep their brakeless fixies when it's raining) and nobody will be the wiser.
innerlighter- I'd ride that!
I had a 27" 1989 Cannondale ST400. Big enough for my legs, (I'm 6'3", so a "bicycle operator" but not a "cyclist") but top tube too long for my torso. Gave away the frame & built a frankenbike with a long seat post & tall stem.
Q: What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A: They both like a tight seal.
..."koo kook a choo"...
No bgw...
V.I. Lenin. Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov!
It's illegal to have no handbrake on a fixed gear in Portland.
Anon 4:58 - yes it is!
The law in Oregon: “A bicycle must be equipped with a brake that enables the operator of the bicycle to stop the bicycle within 15 feet from a speed of 10 miles per hour on dry, level, clean pavement"
Brake is undefined. You can stop a fixed gear bike in 15' from a speed of 10mph without a handbrake and without dragging your feet on the ground, so obviously a fixed gear hub functions as a brake unless you are capable of defying the laws of physics and gravity.
Portland has no special law about fixed gear bikes, just two overzealous motorcycle cops who have a buddy who is a judge. They are the only two cops in the whole state who will ask you to stop and when you do, give you a ticket for "no brakes", no other cops gives a shit as long as you obey traffic laws.
Bill
Be ready with the extinguisher next time.
wishiwasmercx
Thanks, but no thanks. I'm looking for a more Jimmy Carter type of angle.
bikesgonewild
duly noted - ant1 can have the top spot, I know my place.
Anyone else noticed that knuckle tattoo is bilingual?
velo is French and vita is Italian.
So, according to Oregon law, I can just throw myself to the ground at a speed of 10 mph and as long the bike (but not necessarily me) stop within 15' that is the same as having a functional brake?
Sounds fishy. I still think that Portland should have special laws that apply just to fixters...fucking brakeless dipshits...
Snob,
I like the direction this blog is going. Please post more porn and nude women. I'll be happy to pay a subscriber fee for the privilege to read about bikes and whack off simultaneously.
As a busy triathlete I welcome the opportunity to save time wherever I can.
Ant1-
You missed the best comment:
"You merge with know warning, you dont maintain the speed limit (yes thats in there to you have to keep up with the cars) you dont stop at red-lights or stop signs and more often then not you hit people in crosswalks and yell at them. Learn to ride right or stay off the roads. As for the tax issue UMMM you dont pay gas taxes maby you should pay a bike tax."
-m3kt3K
...century?
Top 100! yay!!!
Shit, missed it by that much.
-B
Seven's have big riser stacks to accommodate all those dentists whose backs are whacked from years of plucking plaque from your chicklets. 7 sux and dentists are the realtors of the health care world.
j j j jjjunk.
love,
everyone
Yes, penis is thawing.
How lovely for you Mr. Fofonov.
Now, please put it away.
No one asked if that was your Seven.
And on Valentine's Day, trust me, you're better off giving long stemmed roses than a long stem and risers no matter how you try to explain it.
There's a reason why that dog in the photograph BSNYC posted is unimpressed.
Truth is a fixster standing on his head.
Skid Mark PDX- try the comments section at bikeportland.org.
...anon 5:09pm...wtf...ok, i'll bite...
..."um, what or who is an early bolshevik revolutionary hero, alex"...
...& please, wes...good lord man...it's not about hierarchy...you're certainly as entitled as anyone to go for the win but if the 'uci' (the union commentaires international) had a taunting rule, you would have been relegated to lanterne rouge...
...besides...you asked to be stopped...viola...surefire method...
BGW
Viola? Surely you mean cello?
If you throw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one will hit the ground first?
The soprano. The violist will have to stop and ask for directions.
I'll be here all week. Try the roast beef.
...wes...that is what happens when you 'fiddle' w/ the computer at 4:40 in the am...
bgw
That's tuba'd. It's definitely time to bow out.
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewProfile&friendID=419923825
feet belts. like that guy in the article with the advice on how to get your bike ready for winter.
FREE LIMO
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v160/b3passatBMX/0509081329.jpg
nice
velo vita guy very velveeta cheesy. fuckn lame tats brah...
anon 9:51,
Rule Britannia!
Hey Frills, tell me that you have been moonlighting over at Fyxomatosis
That's not a dog or a monkey. It's a black midget sitting on one of the dildos that the bike messengner delivers.
Fist Fhotos (Sexy Bicycles)
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