What I Learned On My Summer Vacation

A little over a week ago I left town a seething, petty, and judgmental person. But over the course of my vacation, the layers of disgust and psychic grime began to wash off. Gradually, without even realizing it was happening, I grew able to look at people and things (yes, bikes included) without finding them infuriating. In fact, the only reason I know now that this has happened is that since my return I've been reading my past posts and asking myself, "Who is this hateful person?"

Well, I'm happy to announce I've changed. In fact, I did a little test to prove it to myself. I went over to Velospace and Fixedgeargallery and checked out some of the recent entries. And like Alex in "A Clockwork Orange" after his treatement, I was simply unable to engage in hateful, spiteful behavior. And this was no easy test, either. Here are some examples of the bikes that taunted me, and that I gamely embraced with my new-found bike love:

I love that this bike is whimsically hanging from a set of monkey bars that set off its delightfully playful yellow and green color scheme. And when I take the red toe straps into account, it is tempting to consider the possibility that the owner chose these colors to show his allegiance to either Guyana, Bolivia, Ghana, or Togo. I love also that, while it is brakeless, it seems to have the stem shifters still attached. I also find the tiny BCD of the crankset endearing, and think the possibility that the yellow IROC in the background also belongs to the owner is exciting and thought-provoking. But most of all, I love the fact that another person is riding, and that bikes are fun! Yay!

Here's another one that in no way pissed me off. Like the last one, this one also has a crankset with a small BCD running a chainring that would be equally at home on a table saw. And I didn't mind the fact that the owner is using one of those delightful threaded-to-threadless adapters so he can use his shiny, pretty gold threadless stem that matches his shiny, pretty gold bars and shiny, pretty gold chain. I mean, what else do you do when you can't find a gold quill stem? And why shouldn't a drive chain be pretty and shiny, anyway? Of course there was a time before my vacation when I might make fun of the saddle, which does kind of look like a slice of cheese melting on top of a mop handle, you've got to admit; or the riser bars, which together with the seat angle probably make the rider's elbows stick out so it looks like he's doing some kind of chicken dance while he's riding. But I'm not going to do that. Nor am I going to mock the Aerospokes, which Nashbar couldn't give away until they became fashionable after enough people noticed messengers using them on the front because a chain passes more easily through them than through wire spokes and decided it looked cool. (I think the Aerospoke people were about to jump off a bridge with their own wheels tied around their necks when someone from the warehouse came running to tell them that these things were finally moving.) And, finally, I find the owner's mock inner-city vernacular clever and amusing. Ha! The word "wigger" is funny!

Why not post a picture of an unbuilt frame and fork on a bicycle gallery? I mean, nobody's riding the built bikes either. I hope this heralds a day when people will simply bring their NJS frames along to bars with them instead of building them and locking them outside. Why risk theft while posing?

That may have sounded ironic, but it's not. I mean it sincerely. It's great that more people are not riding.

This bike doesn't make me angry at all either. But it does make me concerned. What if the rider's tongue should somehow make contact with the bars? He'll never get it off! It'll be like "A Christmas Story."

This bike sports an insouciant bandana in solidarity with the "gangstas" the owner has seen while traveling briskly through bad neighborhoods in a car. It looks like it belongs to Jamie Kennedy from "Malibu's Most Wanted." And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Jamie Kennedy is a talented and funny actor.

OK, if I haven't convinced you yet that I'm cured, this should do the trick. I mean, if I wasn't would I be able to resist making a comment about the purple Velocitys which set off the purple saddle and purple computer mount which makes the computer itself look like a fly being eaten by the ugliest frog you've ever seen? Seriously, if I wasn't a new and kinder person I'd be on the phone with White Industries right now demanding that they send somebody to this person's house to take these components back before this horrid thing hurts somebody. I'd also say that if I had to choose between this frame and a Softride I'd have to take the coward's way out by pouring gasoline over myself and going to a barbecue. Yes, this bike does raise questions. Chief among them: are the people at Corratec unable to shorten seat stays and weld them where they belong?!? Yet, while this thing looks like it's about to explode in a random burst of tubing, purple components, and cacophonous sounds like a cuckoo clock striking twelve, or a cartoon character getting his toe caught in a mousetrap, looking at it only makes me feel warm and quivery inside.

Though it's possible I may just be about to throw up.