Safety Last: Honk If You're Pantsless!

On the yesterday I mentioned a cyclist who claims he was hit by an FBI agent.  Well, since then, another FBI agent up in Buffalo has been charged with driving pantless:

(DWOP: Driving Without Pants)

Here's what happened:

Troopers said they received the report at about 9 p.m. Friday from the truck driver, who was headed east on the Thruway in Eden. He said the driver of a passenger vehicle “pulled up next to his truck, turned on the dome light and displayed that he was not wearing pants, while making lewd gestures,” according to state police.

It should be a cinch for the agent's lawyer to defend this one.  All he has to do is explain that his client was eating a meatball hero from Sbarro at a Thruway rest stop when he got red sauce all over his pants, which he figured he'd soak in seltzer water in the back seat when he got back in the car.  Then, as he enjoyed a post-hero cigar (every American's right, as long as the cigar is not Cuban), he accidentally dropped it in his lap, and the druck driver just happened to drive by as he was fanning his crotch.

Expect singed pubic hair to be entered into evidence, so caveat juror.

By the way, this is probably the exact same defense the agent who hit the cyclist will use, assuming she's ever caught, which she won't be, and also assuming she's ever charged, which is laughable, and assuming she wasn't wearing pants, which is likely.

Speaking of pants, do you wet yours out of fear when you ride in your city?  If so, you'll want to invest in this bicycle horn, which I mentioned briefly last Friday:



Loud Bicycle is the long-awaited answer to the burning question:

Horns?  You mean...like THE JEWS?!?

(Yes, Jews do have horns, but not the way you think.)

Actually, Craig Calfee answered that question years ago:

Nevertheless, as the inventor says, "Cycling on roads can be frightening:"

Though not as frightening as cycling on high wires or lava flows, or high wires suspended above lava flows.  Now that's scary.

Another problem is that "Drivers often feel like bikes come flying out of nowhere:"

Dude, I can so relate.  This one time I was driving my Scion to buy a new flat brim cap when I got hit by a guy on a bike who was talking to a camera and ran a stop sign.  He totally ruined my fake stick-on air vent.

Then the inventor goes on to tell the story of his friend who got hit by a car, which he illustrates with an image of a white bike, at which point I started feeling really guilty for laughing at his video.  You know, 'cause his friend is dead and all:

Except it turns out that his friend was pretty much fine, at which point I went from feeling guilty to feeling incredibly angry at him.

Then he goes and claims that "Drivers react really well to car horns:"

No, they don't, because here's how people use their car horns:

--To honk at drivers who actually wait for pedestrians in the crosswalk (I have often been honked at while driving for not running over a baby);
--To honk incessantly and uselessly when a street is blocked by a garbage truck, school bus, or fatal "accident;"
--In the case of car service drivers, to let that 5:00am pickup know they've arrived, and to wake up the whole building in the process (which is fucking ridiculous since everybody in the entire world has a cellphone now, unless you're Amish, in which case you don't travel by car service anyway).

Though I admit that people do react really well to all this honking, if by that you mean they shout stuff like "Shut the fuck up, you cocksucker!"  (That's what I do with the car service drivers, since the whole building's already up anyway.)

Still, for some reason he's determined to add bikes to the cacophony, and in the process makes an even more ridiculous claim:

"Why can't I just get a car horn for my bike?  Well I searched everywhere to buy one, but a car horn fit for bicycles simply didn't exist as a product."

Yes, horns for bicycles simply don't exist.  Except for this:

And this:

And my personal favorite, this:

   

Fine.  I realize he specifically means there are no horns that sound just like car horns on the market, which may or may not be true (I'm too poorly paid to check, and even if I was highly paid to check I'd only pretend to check and lie) but I refuse to give him that thanks to his little stunt with the white bike.

Oh, the Loud Bicycle also looks great when you photoshop it onto your Firefly super-hybrid Cat 6 dreamcycle:

(Male Fireflies have downtube testicles.)

But not so great in real life:

(This bike has a downtube goiter.)

Anyway, throw $43,000 his way and you too can enjoy being called a cocksucker thanks to your incessant honking:

Then again, the Loud Bicycle is about a million times more practical than this:

What drinker's insatiable thirst for spirits could possibly be slaked by 5ml of liquor?  (Or 10ml if you buy two, in which case you'll be fully one-fifth of the way to airplane size.)  The only way to make this viable is to adapt it as a dropper, fill it with saline solution, and market it to people who wear contact lenses.  Either that, or I suppose you could use it for your diabolical plot to release anthrax spores in your local food co-op because they're selling Israeli cous-cous.

Still, I can't decide if it's better or worse than a guy who wants money so he can ride around and eat shit:



Either way, anytime you encounter a visitor to your town filming himself making a big fucking deal about everything, you can be sure he came there from Brooklyn:

Anyway, it looks like the eating guy has actually met his funding goal, and I hope he spends at least some of that money on this in case he gets into trouble:

This way he'll be able to use his iPhone to snug up that motel outlet plate:

(What could possibly go wrong?)

Adjust that headset:

(You're supposed to loosen the steer tube bolts first.)

Or cut that tender, juicy steak:

(What could possibly go wrong?)

The only thing missing is a tiny vial, but maybe he can team up with the Handlebar Minibar bike for the 2.0 release.

Lastly, on Urban Velo I saw this heartwarming holiday message from someone who couldn't possibly have a job:

Of course, I don't have a job either, so I figured I'd get on my bike, head downtown (or uptown, or crosstown, or overseas, depending on where I actually live now), and send out a holiday message of my own:

Let's not lose sight of what this time of year is really about.

Entrepreneurs: Let's Make America Grate Again

So I was watching the Presidential debate last night and I have to say that I'm very disappointed with both of the candidates.  Firstly, it was supposed to be about foreign policy, but nobody spoke about Canada.  My state shares a border with these people!  I can almost see Canada from my house!!!  Are we even still friends with them?!?  Are they finally going to give us Ontario back?  (That shit is rightfully ours, it was stolen from us by passive-aggressive mounties in the 1950s.)  And what about the whole "Pants for Poutine" scandal?  (We sent them duty-free blue jeans, they sent us whatever the hell poutine is.)  All the candidates talked about were places like Libya, which might as well be in the Middle East as far as I'm concerned.  Me, I'm far more worried about the Maple Menace.

Plus, this Obama guy has something against horses and bayonets, which is going to lose him the Amish vote, and the Romney one says he's going to support "small businesses," but is he going to put his money where his tongue hole is by giving incentives to douchebags in Brooklyn who make bayonets in their expensive live/work lofts, or by making Kickstarter profits exempt from federal income tax?  Kickstarter is going to make this country great again--it's our economy's business incubator.  If Henry Ford were getting started today he'd most certainly have used Kickstarter.  "Hi, my name is Henry Ford," he'd say in the video he made with his iPhone in his parents' breakfast nook.  "I hate Jews.  Now give me money so I can make you a shitload of cars."  So, what, are you going to crush Henry Ford with onerous income taxes and lots of nonsense about "equality" and "tolerance?"  Sure, maybe if you want to be President...of Canada!

If you don't believe that Kickstarter-born businesses are going to make Apple look like a Mr. Softee truck in terms of sheer revenue, just consider some of the entrepreneurs seeking your investment--like Greta Bell and her bicycle-powered art carousel:



Like most Kickstarter artists, Greta Bell is going to give you something you never knew you wanted:

Just as long as you give her money and do pretty much everything else for her too:

Now, the carousel was perfected in the early 20th century, and unlike most other stuff from that era, such as polio or the music of Al Jolson, kids still love them.  Nevertheless, apparently Greta Bell's brilliant idea is to chop one up and hook it up to a bicycle, which is the vintage amusement equivalent of doing a hasty fixie conversion on a classic road bike.  Here's her pitch:

...and what?

That happened to me once.  I'd had a few drinks and I was riding home.  Before I knew it I got a little too absorbed in my Twitter timeline, and then all of a sudden I crashed into a half-scale replica of Michelangelo's David in a front yard in Carroll Gardens.  Good thing I was wearing my helment--and an even better thing that I was wearing it down my pants, because one of the last remaining Italians in the neighborhood kicked me square in the "pants yabbies."  (Italians are very hot-blooded, just ask Henry Ford.)

Still, you've got to admit that those old turn-of-the-century carousels just aren't psycho-sexual enough, which is why Greta Bell wants hers to feature pained panels depicting strangers' memories:

r/evolve

 As the circus r/evolves I am inviting viewers to submit an image of their cherished object along with a description of why it is meaningful to them. I will then select from these and continually create new paintings to panel the carousel. 

I can get behind that.  In fact, I plan to furnish Greta Bell with one of my own cherished objects:

This cassette tape is deeply meaningful to me for two reasons.  Firstly, it was a mixed tape given to me by a girl in high school who wore lots of black clothing.  (Side one has lots of songs by bands like The Cure, The Smiths, and Depeche Mode.  Side two is just a straight 90-minute recording of the WLIR radio station broadcast, mostly featuring songs by bands like The Cure, The Smiths, and Depeche Mode.)   Secondly, shortly after she gave me the tape, there was "an incident" that I'll never forget:

It might take more than one panel for Greta Bell to tell the complete story of how the tape wound up there, but I can assure you it's perfectly plausible and that it could have happened to anybody.  (Provided they weren't wearing pants.)

Oh, and if all that's not convincing enough, keep in mind that the carousel also doesn't work:


re/joice… and disappointment

Our trial run went well. We had an enthusiastic and supportive home town crowd. Shortly after this I was headed to Cornell University in Ithaca, New York to unveil the carousel for its world premier. Unfortunately, the complexity involved in setup was to great and I had to face the real disappointment of failure.

It's easy to face the real disappointment of failure when you haven't paid for it.  It's like crashing a rental car.

Incidentally, remember the girl in high school who gave me that tape?  Well, she's all grown up now, and she's running her own Kickstarter:



"'Bike Love' is an expression of who I am, how I own who I am, and how I respond to the world that I live in."

In most places this would not warrant a documentary, since this is how things work for most Americans:

--Who I Am: I'm me.

--How I Own Who I Am: I lease myself to a Walmart for 40 hours a week, the rest of the time I "own myself" by mixing prescription drugs with beer and watching porn.

--How I Respond to the World That I Live In: When it makes me angry, I shoot it.

See?  Pretty simple.

However, this isn't the United States.  This is Portland.  There's a different gravitational field in Portland, and because of it even the most mundane act is imbued with significance:

Bike Love is an experiential narrative documentary film about Kara Minnehan's bike riding quest in Portland, Oregon. On December 1, 2011 Kara gave up her car for the purpose of experiencing the city's bike culture firsthand. Throughout the experience of living without a car, Kara is introduced to a new world, along with a range of challenges, allowing for self-exploration and personal growth.

I'm not sure giving up your car counts as a "quest" for "self-exploration and personal growth" when it's just the hand-me-down Volvo you got from your parents:

I bet someone got a sweet deal on a classic automobile.  The only problem with it is that there's a Smiths tape stuck in the auto-reverse cassette deck that plays eternally, but all you have to do is turn the volume down and you're free from the plaintive crooning.

Also, you know what goes well together?  "Feminism," "comedy," "performance art," and "sustainability:"

Paradoxically, comedy cannot exist in an environment that contains feminism, performance art, and sustainability; however, when you combine feminism, performance art, and sustainability, the results are generally comedic.  It's just chemistry.

Speaking of chemistry, if Hollywood has taught us anything, it's that there must be synergy, which is why we need a documentary and a book and a soundtrack and a fashion show:


The Book:

Bike Love Documentary Project will also create a companion photography book, "Girls on Wheels", which will feature the inside story of the production process and characters in the film, as well as a diverse array of photographs of female cyclists in Portland, Oregon. 

The Soundtrack:

Bike Love Documentary will compile a soundtrack for the film featuring local artists such as Tyler Stenson, Naomi Hooley, Luz Mendoza, and the Shook Twins. Following the premier of the film will be a show featuring live performances by a few of our artists.

Bicycle-Themed Fashion Show:

In June 2012, Bike Love hosted a bicycle-themed fashion show at Multnomah County Bike Fair to mark the end of Pedalpalooza - an entire month of daily themed bike rides in Portland, Oregon! On June 8, 2013 (the day of the film premier) Bike Love will host a 2nd Annual Bicycle Fashion Show, featuring local and international designers. Bicycles, bike apparel, bike vintage, and everyday fashion with a bike twist will be featured at the show!


I look forward to the theme ride about the documentary about the book about the soundtrack about the documentary, and to reveling in the triumphant success of an artistic endeavor that has yet to even happen.

Of course, we have our share of documentarians here in New York City, but they eschew the language of liberal arts colleges in favor of eerie voyeuristic earlobe POV:



I was completely riveted by this video since it felt like I was floating around New York City while attached to the side of a floating disembodied head:

As I watched, I also realized that to any onlookers this floating disembodied head probably looked like the Supreme Being from the movie "Time Bandits:"

And I was right!

And speaking of film, a reader tells me it's time for "Bike Smut 6," curated by "Poppy Cox:"

There will be plenty of schwul, a generous helping of lesbisch, and plenty of explizite szenen:


Abkürzungen

H · Hetero
S · Schwul
L · Lesbisch
T · Transgender
X · Explizite Szenen
NX · Keine expliziten Szenen
FT · Fetisch
A · Animation
F · Filme von Frauen
SW · Sexwork
D · Dokumentation

Though I'm guessing there won't be any of this:

EKM · Eine Kleine Nachtmusic

Nope, not even a little.

Lastly, another reader has forwarded me this campaign ad, in which we're threatened by a horrible future in which Americans are forced to ride bikes:



I agree this is a nightmare scenario.  If everyone's riding bikes, who's left to run them over?!"

Make Way: The Future's So Green I Gotta Wear Rollerblades

Commuting in a big city can be stressful.  For example, a New York City cyclist might, in the heat of the moment, resort to foul language and complain that his progress is being impeded by some "fat tub of shit from New Jersey."  Well, one might argue that such anger is excessive--regardless of whether or not it is indeed an accurate description of a typical driver from west of the Hudson.  But what happens when that cyclist is quite literally being blocked by a fat tub of shit from New Jersey?

This was the case for me this morning as I traveled along a "protected" bike lane in Manhattan:

I apologize for the foul language, but if you can come up with a better way to describe this vehicle I'd like to hear it.

Speaking of being full of shit, yesterday I mentioned the 45-year-old Fred who got busted for doping at the New York Gran Fondo and who, hilariously, rides for a team organized by a website that is pathologically obsessed with the prosecution of Lance Armstrong.  Well, further to that post, a reader had the following to say:

Anonymous said...
http://www.thefreemanonline.org/features/the-common-sense-of-progress/


"If today in the United States or western Europe the relatively poor can have a car or a refriger­ator, an airplane trip or a radio, at the cost of a reasonable part of their income, this was made possible because in the past others with larger incomes were able to spend on what was then a luxury. The path of advance is greatly eased by the fact that it has been trodden before. It is because scouts have found the goal that the road can be built for the less lucky or less energetic. What to­day may seem extravagance or even waste, because it is enjoyed by the few and even undreamed of by the masses, is payment for the experimentation with a style of living that will eventually be available to many."


tl;dr


...unless those rich amateurs keep on buying those carbon race wheels, *we* (the ordinary plebs) won't be able to buy them for $100, 20 years down the line. FACT.

An interesting point to be sure, but progress?  I'm not sure it's fair to compare home refrigeration becoming available to the masses with crabon fiber race wheels getting blown out by Nashbar.  It seems to me that the difference between having refrigeration and not having it is life-changing, whereas the difference between having wheels made out of metal and wheels made out of plastic is negligible.  (Not to mention the fact that the plastic wheel is arguably inferior to the metal wheel for most riders, even amateur racers.  Have you watched one of them try to stop lately?)  Plus, it's the "ordinary plebs" who are buying the crabon wheels now, right alongside the monied masters, so there's no reason for the manufacturers to bring the price down anyway.  That's why crabon bicycles are more expensive than ever despite having been around for decades.  It's also why the bicycle racing marketplace doesn't follow the ordinary laws of economics, and instead remains a bubble of delusion and stupidity.

Also on the subject of doping, yesterday I made the following inane comment on Twitter, because I am an inane person, and because Twitter, to paraphrase George Mallory, is just "there," waiting to have stupid words put into it:

I assumed it was obvious that I was joking, but one member of the Twitteroni was filled with indignation:

Which naturally inspired me to continue flogging a joke that really wasn't even funny in the first place:

Which in turn only made the Twitterono even more indignant:

I actually think anybody who supports any Kickstarter campaign should feel outraged and betrayed, but despite this I actually began to think about the fake question I had posed.  Let's say I were to launch a Kickstarter campaign for my cross-country bicycle tour, in which I'd cycle from New York City to Los Angeles while wearing a chicken suit in order to raise awareness for salmonella poisoning.  Would it indeed be wrong to resort to performance-enhancing drugs in order to complete my ride?  It's not like I'm breaking any rules, since as far as I know there are no rules when it comes to riding across country in a chicken suit.  Sure, it lacks dignity, but arguably I dispensed with dignity when I started asking for money on Kickstarter--and I definitely divested myself of it when I donned that chicken suit.  So what's a little EPO in the mix?  It's certainly less dangerous than salmonella.

Anyway, as I pondered all this, the Twitteroni had a moment of sympathy for me and my phony predicament:

So there you have it.  It is actually possible to finish a century ride without drugs.  Who would have imagined?  Let that be a lesson to all the 40+ fondo Freds out there looking to wring all they can from their crabon wheels.  (Though reading it again it's possible she means she finished two centuries and one triathlon back-to-back on the same day, which is actually pretty impressive, especially without drugs.)

Speaking of Kickstarter, some people desperately need your money so they can show movies outside:

The word "visionary" gets thrown around so much that it's now almost completely devoid of meaning, which is why I feel comfortable calling these people visionaries.  Here's their vision:

Last summer, we did some pretty simple math that ended up spawning (in our personal opinion) one of the most fun and memorable days of the summer. Written out, the equation looked something like this: 

Summer + Bikes + 80’s Movie Nostalgia = A damn fine summer evening.  

In July 2011 we teamed up with the Brooklyn-based food blog and supper club Forking Tasty for a unique, modern twist on the classic American Drive-In experience: the Bike-In-Theater. Hundreds of riders sat and watched a movie on the Brooklyn waterfront, while munching on snacks from the Forking Tasty kitchen, including five unique gourmet-flavored popcorns. The free event was designed as a way to celebrate summer and bike month in NYC. 

In 2012 we’re expanding on the success and demand created last year. With the help of the Kickstarter community, we’re attempting a bi-coastal tour that will start this summer in NYC and end in October in San Francisco. Please help us launch the 2012 Bike-In-Theater tour. It’s your passion, enthusiasm and backing that will help us to make this reality.

And here's the video:

I'm not sure it's fair to call showing a bunch of movies that are on cable 14 times a day "curating," but then again the word "curate" has been even more diluted than the word "visionary" so I shouldn't complain.  Also, there were cookies:

("Curating" now means "putting snacks in metal tubs for stoners.")

So why do they need $24,000 to show movies on a brick wall?  Well, in addition to cookie funds, they also need money for chalk:

Also, according to this guy, they need "proper rights for movies:"

Which would make the organizers of "Bike-In-Theater" the only two people on the face of the planet Earth who take those anti-piracy warnings seriously.  Really, they could save us all a lot of money if they'd just screen some bootlegs they bought on the subway.  Anyway, Brooklyn becomes more like San Francisco every year, so it's good to see two entrepreneurs working hard to make them completely indistinguishable.  

In other smugness news, are you one of those people who advocates cycling because it's "good for the environment?"  Well, I've always felt this was a dangerous argument, since it leaves the door wide open for some other more ecologically friendly modes of transport to take away all our hard-fought gains.  For example, I don't know about you, but I don't want to get sandbagged by a bunch of Rollerbladers:

The above Rollerblade advocacy article was forwarded to me by a reader, and of course it includes the requisite pro-Rollerblade infographic:

Sure, Rollerblading may be "greener," but as far as I'm concerned this is the only infographic I need:

That's the Rollerblade equivalent of "cycle chic."

Hand-Folding: It's Not Just For Laundry Anymore

When you think of folding bikes, no doubt you think of tiny-wheeled circus affairs straddled by people in blazers and DayGlo pant cuff retainers.  What you probably don't think of is actual folding, like what you do with your underpants after you wash them.  (Assuming you wear underpants, and assuming you wash them.)  However, you will soon--at least if Ronin Bicycle Works gets its way:

Finally, it's a frame made out of folded sheet metal, and the inventors only want $100,000 to mass-produce a bicycle that employs the same groundbreaking technology used to make origami and marijuana cigarettes:



This folded bicycle frame is held together by "rivets and glue," and it boasts the elegance and clean lines of a light switch box--which I'm fairly sure is what they used for the headtubebox:

You can keep your fancy tubing and your hand-carved lugs--give me a bike that's made from baking sheets and shelf brackets:

Every handmade bicycle tells the story of its builder, and often merely looking at one tells you everything you need to know about what he or she was thinking at the time.  This bike is no exception, and I'm fairly certain that what the builder was thinking here was, "I can't believe they let me work in the prison metal shop.  Should I build something to bust out of here, or should I build a bike?  Ah, fuck it, I'll build a bike."

But that doesn't mean the Ronin bike doesn't boast meticulous attention to detail.  For example, the underside of the downtubesheet is creased for uncomfortable "portaging:"

Though they really should have equipped it with a more appropriate saddle:

So help these guys reach their goal, and if you give enough then you too could own a bike with all the elegance of one of those tin foil leftover-"portaging" swans they give you at restaurants:

Because really, it's just an uglier and less practical version of a bike share bike:

The above image, by the way, is from the NYC Bike Share website, and I can't wait until the program launches this summer.  Here's another image of a woman pretending to use the bike share system at the intersection of Atlantic and Flatbush Avenues, which is probably the least bike-friendly intersection in all of Brooklyn:

In all sincerity though I am an avid bike share enthusiast--so much so that I'm considering going to work for them:

I particularly like the sound of the "Ambassador" position, though apart from having "prior exposure to the local market" I meet none of the qualifications:

All Candidates Must Have:


• A fun and upbeat personality that reflects the NYC Bicycle Share brand and spirit
• Experience interacting with very large groups of consumers ranging from kids to adults
• Knowledge of Bicycling in NYC and prior exposure to the local market
• Ability to take direction well
• Excellent attention to detail, organization and communication skills


My personality is dour and morose, I do my very best to avoid large groups of consumers, I refuse to take direction, and I'm so disorganized I don't even fold my underwear.  Still, that's not going to stop me from submitting my résumé:

I admit I padded it a bit, but I really do like soup.

Speaking of innovation and cycling, a reader informs me that a Tucson man has invented an arm-and-leg-powered recumbent:

I strongly recommend watching the video that accompanies the story above, but I'm not embedding it because it seems to be one of those videos that plays automatically when the page loads, and the last thing you want is to get caught watching recumbent videos at work.  In fact, getting caught watching recumbent videos is pretty much the only time you'd actually toggle over to a porn site in order to save face, so follow the link at your own risk.  Or, if you're too much of a "woosie," here's the gist of it:

"If you're a cyclist, you know that a long ride will leave your leg muscles feeling fatigued. But have you ever wished you could get an arm workout at the same time? One local rider had a similar thought, and has now patented his arm and leg powered recumbent bike."


Here's what he wound up with:

I can think of another way to engage your arms in a repetitive back-and-forth motion while riding a recumbent that doesn't require a proprietary bike.  Instead, just get a Shake Weight and use it while you ride:



Or, even simpler, simply omit the Shake Weight and ride around while "foffing off."  Actually, it's a great way to squeeze in an arm workout at any time of day--even when you're just sitting around on the couch.

Meanwhile, in other suggestive recumbent innovation news, another reader has just alerted me to the revolutionary "Ball 'Bent:"

I bet it offers a smooth ride, but unfortunately it's a total ripoff of those Uniball Unicycles:

At the very least he could have equipped it with a folded metal frame.