Friday, October 18, 2019

It's Friday! New Outside Column! Bike Rides! Exclamation Points! Hooray!!!

Way back in 1986 when I started this blog, I never would have imagined virtual bike racers would be getting busted for virtual doping.  But here we are, as I explore in my latest virtual column for Outside's virtual magazine presence:

Cycling really needs its own "Black Mirror"-esque near-future dystopia show.  It could be called "Black Chamois."  The Tyler Hamilton's Chimera episode practically writes itself.

As for me, I took an old-fashioned outside ride today, though it wasn't totally analog because I uploaded it to the Internet:


Believe me when I tell you I don't even remotely enjoy taking leisurely rambling mixed-terrain rides on cool, clear autumn Fridays.  I'd much rather be in a cubicle working on spreadsheets.  However, I've recently taken delivery of some exciting new products, and as a semi-professional (and, at this point, semi-retired) bike blogger and social media influencer it is recumbent upon me to try these products out and report on them.  One of these products is Trial Butter, which is basically delicious adult baby food for outdoorsy types:

When I get hungry on my be-jorted rambles I generally stop at a very expensive gluten-free bakery, or else treat myself to an even more expensive artisanally locally sustainable etc. lunch at Stone Barns, because that's the kind of person I am.  However, this time I simply stuck a packet of Trail Butter (the dark chocolate and coffee flavor) along with some rice cakes in my Jones handlebar purse.  (I had to break up the rice cakes in order to make them fit.)  Not only was it quite tasty, but it also sustained me for the entirety of my ride, and best of all I didn't have to wait on line behind the sorts of horrible people who shop at gluten-free bakeries and artisanal nature centers.  (Yes, I realize I'm one of those horrible people, and the last thing I want is to be surrounded by people like me.)

Of course the big question is: "In a pinch can you use Trail Butter as a tire sealant?," and while I didn't have occasion to try I'll certainly keep you posted.

As for the ride itself, I explored a new trail.  It wasn't until after I rode the trail that I saw a sign indicating bikes were not allowed on said trail, so for that I apologize.  Then when I left the park I found myself trapped in some creepy suburban subdivision, and while I didn't see a single human I did find some zombie deer:


Seriously, they just stood there, it was totally creepy.

Finally, I've also noticed that at least two of the new repair stands in Yonkers I recently discovered have disappeared, and I can only assume someone's stolen them.  This one, however, remains:


Though the fact it's secured to the sidewalk by these ordinary bolts as opposed to some sort of theft-proof fasteners does offer some clues as to why the others vanished so quickly:


You could practically remove the thing with that multitool.

25 comments:

Anonymous said...

More of those brazen Yonkers deer. Will this insolence go unanswered? At least PRETEND to run away, ya punks!

Anonymous said...

Oh shit, "Good at Spreadsheets" is going to be my epitaph, isn't it? At least I get to ride home after work.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Podium?

Serial Retrogrouch said...

Can the Trail Butter be used a chamois cream in a pinch? (does that question a pun make? If so, then I intended it.)

Chazu said...

I can't believe it ain't butter.

Graemo said...

The pump don't work because the vandals took not only the handle, but had the park multi-tools away as well - simply by unscrewing the entire shebang from its concrete mooring. Go on then Mr Dylan - see if you can shoehorn that into a song. I dare ya.

Fredder said...

Dear me, I did really and truly at first think that "Trail Butter" was a chamois cream.

Unknown said...

I cannot speak for all, but I miss your daily humor poking fun at fixie riders and their rides, NIMBY anti/bike lane lunatics and such. I miss the days when you kept us laughing at what was basically just life in the city. But through your eyes and in your print, it was funny as hell, and I hope you are not done with what you used to do masterfully.

Anonymous said...

I think you meant Trial Butter is basically delicious adult baby food for lawyerly types.

Anonymous said...

did the thieves leave the anchor bolts for the other two or did the "local community representative" take those too to send a message? I could only wish my local leaders would place something like that around here but the best they do is hand out jerseys with targets (and flashing lights) on the back. jk

HDEB said...

Living vicariously through BSNYC : )

BikeSnobNYC said...

Unknown,

Sure, tune in on Monday to hear a [redacted] year-old dad make fun of fixies in 2019.

--Tan Tenovo

Unknown said...

I sent the club a wire stating, "PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT PEOPLE LIKE ME AS A MEMBER".
Telegram to the Friar's Club of Beverly Hills to which he belonged, as recounted in Groucho and Me (1959), p. 321

Anonymous said...

I also thought the butter was to be applied to the scranus. Then I looked again and saw that it was typed "Trial Butter". Thought to myself, "Hmmm, you don't sit down much on a trials bike. Heck, some don't even have saddles."

Can't say much for your choice of rice cakes though. I'd have probably spread mine on a big greasy bacon Cheezburger*. Or a Philly cheesesteak.

Still navigating through the fourth month, post injury. Getting the runaround from Workman's Comp. But it's only money. Hell, I'd give my left nut and half my pecker if I could just get on a bike.

*icanhas**

**I know no fear. Heck, I sleep with Basement Cat. He even checks under the bed for monsters. Oh, how he loves him some monsters.

dancesonpedals said...

I'm stunned that people post their zwift sessions on Strava, but then again, I'm on strava. I have no self respect.

Fourhourerection said...

Sigh...leave it to a gummint agency to install high-dollar stuff that is took all of easily stolen, with non-theft proof hardware. Probably took all of 30 seconds, with a 20V impact driver.

JLRB said...

Off topic (if there is one)-

Have you (anyone out there) tried slick tires on your plump-tire wheels? If so, which?

CUBE RUBE

huskerdont said...

Eh, if I want to indoor cycle, and I rarely do, I'll just throw in a Simpsons DVD, or maybe that Sabbath live concert thingy I haven't watched in a coupla years. Some people I follow on Strava do the Zwift, but I remain untempted, and since one of the reasons I don't race is to avoid being reminded how much I suck, I can also remain untempted by online racing. Doping is right out.

If I do get on the trainer this fall, it will go like this: I'll throw the 40-lb 1965 Schwinn Varsity fixie on that pig, fire her up, the dog will trot upstairs with a WTF look on his face, and then he'll slink back downstairs with his tail lowered and act like an annoyed cat for the next hour. Meanwhile, the johnson will go numb after half an hour (this never happens outdoors), but I will have received a nice good sweat in December.

Skidmark said...

@JLRB 12:23pm- i did get 1(one) Continental Speed King ll RS 55 x 622 (29 x 2.2) *Art. Nr.0100933 (Now named Racesport). Aus Deutchland gemacht. The pinnacle of pre-tubeless technology(486g). I’ll use it on the rear of a rigid/29er/Jones bar equipped clay-roads speedster.

Chazu said...

The Trail Butter website is too slow to be useful in learning about their products.

Some guy from upstate said...

This is a pretty late comment, but I had to go and check. The bike repair stands installed at a few of our local public libraries are held in place with a pair of standard bolts and a pair of special security-type bolts. So they are at least as secure as a typical bathroom stall partition.

Of course, this is in the crime-ridden big city urban jungle that is Albany, NY. Whereas I understand Yonkers to be the sort of place where home-baked pies are left on windowsills to cool and everyone leaves their front door unlocked.

Matthew said...

Sure, I know people can spend their money on far more awful things. This post (and the column) sent me looking online for what these Zwift rigs cost and what the subscription costs. Kind of makes me nauseous to think of those who take this really seriously. I'd be happy with a few more hours to bike during the week.

Thinking back, I enjoyed your previous column on how most bikes are very, very good these days. Keep it up! Cheers.

leroy said...

My dog told me
It's not dangerous

He assured me
I'd be famous

(But)I feel stupid
And contagious

Trial butter
On the scranus.


BamaPhred said...

Those zombie deer vibe hella on dark chocolate coffee Trail Butter.

Unknown said...

The leaves are past peak brilliance & are collecting in increasingly large windblown piles along the bike lane curbs, begetting seasonal ennui. Looking back and wondering...will there ever be enough regularly blogged content here to enable the return of the long-lost Friday quiz? Hopeful but doubtful in some proportion.