Wednesday, November 7, 2018

"Do You Have Any Idea Who I Am???"

It was a beautiful, warm, clear autumn morning after two days of rain, and so I headed out for an easy spin to Central Park astride my Milwaukee:


As you can see, it's still sporting the cheap and not terribly comfortable plastic saddle I threw on there for a rainy race some months back.  Also, I've got strap-on fenders instead of proper ones, and the state of my handlebar tape is nothing short of disgraceful:


Hey, whaddya want?  Given my sundry life responsibilities it's either fix the thing or ride it, and until something falls off of it I'm going to opt for the latter.

Anyway, once I'd dispatched the kids to their various institutions I rolled on down to Central Park, where they're still breaking down all the equipment from the marathon this past Sunday.  Then I headed toward home to resume the fulfillment of my aforementioned responsibilities, whereupon I encountered two velocipedists stopped at the side of the path.  One had incurred a flat tire, the other had happened along and stopped to assist him, and neither had the full complement of tools to rectify the situation.

Like a surgeon preparing his instruments I unfurled my tool roll and got to work, and within minutes I had the unfortunate cyclist ready to resume his ride to work.  He was profuse in his gratitude, which I accepted with deep humility, though as I resumed my own ride I reflected deeply on what a wonderful person I am.

Of course, having given a stranger my spare tube (did I mention I'm a wonderful person?), I now needed to re-stock my own stores, and so I popped into a nearby bike shop.  A staff member greeted me and wheeled my bike into a rack, and in the process of doing so applied downward pressure on the bicycle and made the following announcement:

"You need more air in your tires."

I was stunned.  That anyone might insinuate--much less declare outright--that I, the world's greatest living cycling writer, was running either more or less than the precise optimal amount of pressure in my tires was audacity of the worst kind.  I felt like Jeff Bezos would if the Hyundai salesperson said, "I'd love to sell you this Elantra, but we're gonna have to run a credit check first."  Reeling, I searched my brain for the correct response.  Do I ignore the remark?  Do I make light of the situation?  Do I walk out without saying a thing and then return a week later with the complete works of Jan Heine?  After some deliberation I opted for #2, though sarcasm can be a tricky note to strike with a stranger and I'm sure I just came off like a douchebag.

Anyway, once I had my tubes I embarked upon the final leg of my journey homeward.  If you're wondering what pressure I was in fact running I'll never tell, but I can assure you I curated it expertly, taking into account the width of my tires, the road conditions (particularly the preponderance of wet leaves), the ambient temperature, and what I'd had for breakfast that morning.

Now if you'll excuse me I have to order some back issues of Bicycle Quarterly to send to the bike shop.

41 comments:

InstantPam said...

Recount

boys on the hoods said...

I second that

pbateman is singlhandidly making the world a better place so thats why i ride 38s said...

when one has to ride around carrying such a gigantic amount of modesty and good will for humankind, do you recommend pressuring down a few pounds?

i raise money for nonprofits so i do indeed suffer from a similar struggle of having to port so much god dang goodness.

your mom loves this goodness. that is just a simple fact jack.

bad boy of the south said...

Whatta guy!
Thankfully,you had the aforementioned accoutrements with ya.even sarcastic wit to go along for the ride.

Skidmark said...

I could add 1.5psi to each of your tires while you take a few moments to shop with us, Sir, if you would so desire.— Would have been been the more proper, professional, non-bikesnob approach.

huskerdont said...

Huh huh, you said "strap-on."

I recently switched out the stock tires on my Trek Emonda SL-6 for something with a bit more tread for dealing with wet slimy leaves, then put the same amount of air in them as had been in the others, thinking that would be perfect. I could not believe how much harder this carbon frame rides now, and I really need to lower the air pressure. I don't know what that proves; perhaps that I am not a professional bike blogger or professional bike anything.

Anonymous said...

to weigh in on the matter, let us know what you had for breakfast and your current weight when all decked out for velocipeding.

janinedm said...

I've got a pretty good guess whatpressureyourunning. It shouldn't be a guess, because you told me on the Fondon't and I didn't retain the information because it's not my bike. I remember your thinking my pressure was higher than needed and my agreeing that may be true, but given my broken in Brooks and (since it seems not to be the day for humility) well padded donkadonk, I didn't see a need to lower the pressure for comfort.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 2:17pm,

175lbs, yogurt, granola, and two hard-boiled eggs. 28mm tires. (Different makes front and rear.) 59 degrees, at or near sea level. Lots of wet leaves, moderate wind. I admit I did not check the lunar cycle.

--Tan Tenovo

Elvis Costells says... said...

Pump it up WCRM!

pbateman can loan you some new contis or gravel kings said...

good god man!!!!!

your tires don't f'in match?

and you are riding without a helmut?

may lob have mercy on your soul when that milawakeywakee explodes into a fireball of metal, unmatched rubber, eggs and jorts.



Anonymous said...

Rim brakes and non-matching tires are a recipe for certain disaster, bro. I just don't think that rig is gravel-ready.

1904 Cadardi said...

My tires are always inflated to EXACTLY 100psi minus whatever has leaked out since the last time I inflated them (which is a different non-linear function for the front and rear tires) +/- parallax induced error from looking at the gauge on my 35 year old Silca pump at various angles and errors due to my pump being 35 years old. So pretty much anywhere between zero and a million.

Drock said...

Psi, how we talk about thee when all other subjects are exhausted. Burping tires on dented rims now theres conservation. If I glitter those tubeless things and some gets on the trail is that littering?

dnk said...

Consumer Reports might want to do a consumer report regarding optimal amounts of air to purchase for one's bicycle tires. I buy pressurized air as part of my basic cable package (Fox News), and I'm beginning to think that I'm getting swindled.

hellbelly said...

Any chance you'd divulge what brand of strap-on's those are? I have a filth prophylactic rear fender which is okay, but doesn't stay in place very well. As I've no fender nor rack mounts on my commuter (weird, right?) the strap-on (fun words to say) being the simplest/cheapest ones possible seem the way to go. Thanks.

Epicuriousloy jealous said...

I wish I had had your breakfast, you lucky person.

BikeSnobNYC said...

hellbelly,

They're the Planet Bike ones I believe. They don't give *full* coverage but they're pretty good and way better than those filth prophylactics.

--Tan Tenovo

Anonymous said...

You are a wonderful guy Snob! but I think you meant Jeff Bezos not Besos ;)

Al said...

I left my house this morning for my morning jaunt on my Surly, taking my lane and full of good will toward humanity. On the homeward leg of my jaunt, I was given a punishment pass by a motorist for the aforementioned lane taking. This immediately put me in a sour mood and I began to hate on all motorist. Does this make me a bad person or should I just drink beers and forget the whole incident?

David Suto said...

Given all the facts and what you had for breakfast, I'm guessing 70psi +/-2.5 for leakage.

Anonymous said...

catching up on by BS(NYC) and was skimming the Flax story about helmets. Funny thing, I'm sort of the opposite. Been commuting and riding around town without a helmet for about 30 years. Wear one on fast rides, but don't see a need on my commute. Have had several accidents, most caused by careless motorists but haven't hurt my head. I took a header last week on my way home after hitting a deep pothole that I didn't see. Eye ball first into the road and a nasty black eye. As a result my wife has finally put her foot down and is making me wear a helmet. I explained to her that I'm extra careful without a helmet and that with one I may take more chances. I also explained my record of cycling nearly every day for the past 30 years in several large busy cities without any significant injuries. She wasn't having it. Now I reluctantly strap my helmet on before my commute. It makes her feel better, but now I'm worried that I've thrown off the karmatic balance and something bad will happen. If it does it will be my wife's fault.

Anonymous said...

Putting myself in the situation I think the reply I would've been able to muster on-the-spot would've been something like "Not according to me!" or "It's on purpose." Not very witty, but gets the point across.

Anonymous said...

Coulda sold you ran TyreWiz

Dooth said...

I'm trying to get guess which bike shop has a staff with the audacity to wrench your bike off your hands and just blithely wheel into a rack. Well, if I were cycling in Central Park and found myself needing a visit to a shop, it would be Eddie's on Amsterdam Ave. A mom and pop LBS that I've frequented since the 80's. The staff would not touch your bike without your consent.

HDEB said...

Sarcasm is a tricky note to strike with a stranger, I probably am a douchebag and usually come off as such. Pushing a wheelchair occupied by an adult up a hill is excellent excercise.

janheinesolderbiggerbrother said...

The correct amount of tire air is exactly and precisely just so. any more would be greedy, and less is unamerican. So lets keep it American eh?

BikeSnobNYC said...

David Suto,

Not a bad estimation!

--Tan Tenovo

leroy said...

I'm still running 28c tires on my Milwaukee.

I tend to pump them up a little high and not check again for a few weeks so it likely evens out.

My dog says if I didn't pump them up high, I'd have a better memory.

Not sure what he's trying to tell me.

bad boy of the south said...

Al,drink beers,forgive,you've made it home,but don't forget. just sayin'.

JMA said...

Anonymous 5:18 PM:
I hit a deep pothole, hidden by water, about a year and a half ago on my Dahon 20" folder, and instantly went face first into the pavement. Was wearing a helmet as usual, an Avenir from the bike shop.
Helmet did zero good. Ended up with a big gash under my eye. Think I still have some bits of gravel in the scar.
The only helmet that will protect you when taking a header into the pavement is a big heavy MTB style full-face helmet. And, I no longer ride a 20" bike on these terrible New England roads.

Anonymous said...

gee, i only noticed the matching wheels. but now that you mention the tires. that would never do on the tenovo.

Olle Nilsson said...

Filth prophylactics? Ugh. I can't believe you're rocking/rubbing/running/palping those wheelbrows. Yup, I've been reading your blog way too long.

janinedm: I misread your name today as as "janheinedm". Comment almost seemed to fit too.

N/A said...

Whoa. Wait one damn minute. Non-matching tires? How can we take you serious with this knowledge? "Oh hey, look at me with a Pasela on the back and a Clement on the front. I'm WILD AND CRAZY!"

N/A said...

Oh, and that was nice of you to help those unprepared buffoons. You are a good Steward of the bikeen community, dude.

dop said...

Howzabout: 'My tires aren't soft, that's your dick'

jt said...

Two bike riders without the fixings for a flat tire between them? What the holy hell? You Easterners. We don't roll that way in the Great Southwest, too many thorns and cacti.

jt

Pist Off said...

Those strap-ons look practical and easy to mount/dismount. Not always the case. Huhhuh, heh heh heh.
The Flax helmet kerfluffle reinforces my belief that Freds and “performance riders” are an impediment to cycling infrastructure improvement. Most don’t use bikes for actual transport or practical use so they don’t get it. Vehicular cycling on autoroads is not a safe status quo. Re: barefoot pedaling thing, long ago I was riding “seriously” in full Lycra kit and passed by a helmetless Latino kid on a clunker with a bare axle as one of his pedals. That screamed both how much I suck and how little the bike or clothing matters to speed.

Chazu said...

I would have responded yesterday with "you ARE the world's greatest living cycling writer", but I paused to punch "Jan Heine" into a popular internet search engine. Waylaid again.

If you omitted the lunar cycle from your PSI calibration, you would have been better off staying in bed in lieu of going for a ride. We all "lose weight" when the moon is roughly over our heads, and we "gain weight" when the moon is opposite our location on Earth's surface. Ocean tides, anyone?

How the hell can you run accurate pressure without factoring the moon?!



JAT in Seattle said...

No joke: I actually got myself some back issues of Bicycle Quarterly for Christmas last year(nobody else was going to) and they made me so happy. Highly recommended.

Some guy from upstate said...

Your handlebar tape in not in a "disgraceful state" until the area covered with electrical tape holding tattered shreds of bar tape in place exceeds the area of remaining visible bar tape. Looks to me like your only mistake is deviating from the gold standard of Cinelli cork bar tape. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Sorry this is so late, I was out of town and the hotel had crap WiFi.