Kiss Of Death, Helmet Of Dorkitude

As a cycling blogger whose elder human child is engaged in the long-term review of an Islabikes Luath 24, I was dismayed to learn they'll be closing their US headquarters:

Islabikes has decided to close the US office in Portland, Oregon to focus energy on the UK and EU markets. During this voluntary liquidation we will sell all remaining stock of bikes, accessories and parts in the US. It’s bittersweet, but there are great discounts to be had before closing this fall. At this time we have not set a closing date.

If you are considering ordering for the Holidays, order now, as once they’re gone, they’re gone!

Hey, frankly I can't blame them for giving up on America, one of the most bike-challenged countries on earth (after Australia, of course), but it's a shame nonetheless.

Anyway, I guess the silver lining in all of this is cheap bikes.

Not only that, but I've also been reviewing the Renovo Aerowood, and if you've been to their website recently you may have noticed...it's not there anymore:

While there's been no formal announcement that I've been aware of, I think it's probably safe for me to say at this point that they've made like a tree, which is a huge bummer for anyone with a lot of money who wants a wood-hewn dream bike.

I guess what I'm saying is, since apparently a review from me is the kiss of death, perhaps I should review a Specialized next.

Moving on, Jason Gay reports that Floyd Landis is using his whistleblower windfall to start a cycling team:

In April, the Justice Department announced that Armstrong would pay $5 million to settle a government lawsuit alleging he defrauded the U.S. Postal Service by accepting millions in sponsorship money despite doping. Since the government’s case began with Landis’s whistleblower complaint, Landis was awarded a portion of the settlement.

Now Landis has decided what to do with the money. After paying off his legal fees, he’s taking what’s left—roughly $750,000, he told me—and putting all of it into a new professional, North American-based developmental cycling team set to begin racing next year.

In other words:



What a great movie.

And what kind of bike dork would I be if I didn't make the obligatory "He should buy himself some pedals first" quip?

The correct answer is "No kind.  I'd be no kind of bike dork at all."

Finally, meet a bunch of bros who want in on some of that sweet, sweet helmet action:

Yeah, no they won't.

Nevertheless, here's the story behind their "inspiration."

Three years ago David Hall's life was turned upside down. The engineering student's sister was hit by a car when riding her bike in Philadelphia. While his sister lay in a coma, Hall and his family were asked the same question over and over again: "Was she wearing a helmet?"

She wasn't.

This led Hall and his classmate Jordan Klein to ask, "Why wasn't she wearing a helmet?"  

Really, that was your fucking question?  Not "Why the hell did this asshole run down my sister and how do we stop this from happening to more people?"  Jesus Freaking Christ.

Their Brooklyn-based startup, named Park and Diamond for the Philadelphia intersection where the crash occurred, is launching the helmet on Indiegogo, where it already has surpassed its crowdfunding goal of $50,000 and raised more than $450,000 since mid-September.

Well, I should have worn a helmet while watching the video because it pulverized my brain with a hammer of stupidity:


I knew I was in trouble when I heard the words "former SpaceX engineers," and sure enough these MuskDouches think that people won't carry a regular helmet, but they will carry a whiskey bottle container:

With the world's corniest ball cap inside:

We've had helmet hats for years, they look no stupider today than they did when they first came out, and it should be clear by now to anybody with eyes that the real aesthetic problem with them is the straps.  Therefore, since we're now a helmet-at-all-times-or-else society, why not just encourage mandatory skull implants and interlocking helmets for all?  There's already a model for this, as anyone who's put headgear on a Lego figure knows:

Simply implement this and we can finally have helmets that look like hair:

Of course it could be years before we make this happen, so in the meantime let's just lie about shit:

Holy shit, they pulled that "statistic" out of their ass like SpaceX bro pulled that helmet hat out of his whiskey cylinder.

Somebody should give these guys positions in the Trump administration.

But wait, there's more!

And also:

I can't even.  Seriously, I really can't.

You know, 90% of pedestrians don't wear moon boots, and 97% of pedestrian fatalities occur when pedestrians aren't wearing moon boots, so you do the math.

But brace yourself for the biggest lie of all:

Yeah, right.

"Attractive" my ass.