Much Ado About Helmets

It's summer, so you know what that means: time to freak out about helmets!

I like the original photo they used better, which featured a kid wearing a helmet in the highly popular and highly ineffective sunbonnet style:

Though in their defense it's almost impossible to find a picture of a kid wearing a helmet properly.  Why?  Because they're kids!  Kids are small humans who are only just learning how to tie their shoes, use the toilet, and consume food without getting it all over themselves.  The idea then that they should be able to wear helmets properly is patently absurd.

Oh, sure, I know: it's your job as the parent to make sure the helmet fits properly.  Yeah, right.  Anybody who's ever dressed a child knows this is a load of shit.  You're lucky if you can get them out the door with their pants on the right way, let alone with a perfectly-fitted helmet on their heads.  Might as well try getting them to balance a tray loaded with canapés while you're at it.

But it's not enough to get them to wear helmets; you've also got to wear yours to set an example:

And it isn’t just about making your children wear helmets; when parents wear helmets, they are not only protecting themselves, but research has shown that when parents model the safe behavior, it’s more likely that children will be putting those helmets on themselves. Make sure the child is riding a bike the right size, and make sure the helmet fits correctly.

Bullshit.  I set a good example by riding a bicycle in the first place--in flip-flops with my remaining hairs fluttering unfettered in the breeze--and pointing out all the other stupid shit everyone else is doing.  The lessons continue off the bike, and my son and I are currently engaged in picking this moronic commercial apart:

Who is GMC going for here exactly?  "You know, I really love riding this lightweight racing bicycle, but I'd really rather be carrying it around in a bloated, fuel-guzzling, poorly-handling truck."

But hey, at least the kid's wearing a helmet:

What's really vexing about this article though is that it's all about how you and your kids should wear helmets at all times, yet it provides absolutely no compelling evidence for this.  In fact the closest it comes to citing any sort of figures is this extraordinarily convoluted paragraph:

Good luck making any sense out of that.  Then when you click through to the source you find this:

So basically you're more likely to sustain a TBI or wind up in the hospital if you get hit by a car than if you don't regardless of what you've got on your head.

No shit, assholes.

And if you don't think this helmet fixation is toxic just dip into the comments on the article, which include brilliant insights like this:

My kids always ask me why the various cyclists we encounter daily aren't wearing helmets. Does it matter that I wear mine, when so many other people they see don't? How far does parental influence cover? Non-parents need to think about this, too, because they're setting an example as well, just by existing in society and being seen. The adult cyclists who wear helmets tend to be the older ones, either parents or just wiser who know better. It's the young ones who still think they're invincible that blow through red lights and don't wear helmets. We need to target them, somehow.

Yes, that's right, even if you don't have kids you should wear your helmet just so some self-righteous parents don't have to explain to their precious foam-hatted darling why you're not.

Please.  

Here's a parenting tip: When your kids ask you why someone's not wearing a helmet, or smoking, or walking around with an obscene word tattooed on their skin, it's never too early to teach them the importance of minding your own fucking business.