Don't Buy Upgrades, Ride Software Upgrades

Well, racing bikes outside had a good run.  In 1869 it was high-wheelers gentlemanly glove-slaps:

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In 1903 came the first-ever Tour de France:

And for some reason to this day cyclists keep racing against horses:

How is that fair?  Shouldn't Casper also have to pull a passenger?

Actually, for it to be truly fair he should have to pull a horse.

Regardless, after well over a century and a half of thrill, spills, and doping scandals, it appears the days of racing bikes outside are over, only to be replaced with this:

Someday in the not-too-distant future, the world’s premier cycling races are held inside arenas packed with screaming fans. The cyclists do not travel an inch on their bicycles — instead, they pedal invisible miles on a stationary trainer. The attacks, counter-attacks, and strategic drama play out in the virtual world on a computer screen. Across the globe, hundreds of thousands of fans tune in to watch.

This is Frank Garcia’s vision.

And if your first thought was that Frank Garcia must be a masters racer with too much money on his hands, then it shouldn't surprise you to learn that you're right:

Garcia, 53, is a software engineer and entrepreneur from Tucson, Arizona. A longtime cyclist and masters racer, Garcia was an early adopter of the virtual training platform Zwift. Garcia’s passion for Zwift racing was so strong that in 2015 he rode the entire elevation of Mt. Everest in the virtual world, pedaling 165 miles on his stationary trainer over the course of 17 hours.

Over the past year, Garcia has bankrolled a series of virtual races on Zwift, called Cycligent Virtual Ranking, or CVR. In 2017, he held live CVR World Cup tournaments in Las Vegas, Paris, and London; each event was broadcast across the globe via a webcast that included live commentary, racing metrics such as power output, and even athlete interviews. CVR’s next event is the March 25 World Cup race at the VELO Sports Center velodrome at the StubHub Center in Los Angeles. CVR will award $100,000 in cash and prizes to its competitors this winter.

As antithetical as all of this might appear to be to the spirit of cycling and bicycle racing, the truth is I only have one problem with it, and it is this:

If it's all virtual, then why wear cycling clothes?

Seriously, isn't all this stuff optimized for propelling a bicycle forward while being outside?  Seems to me that aerodynamics mean nothing here and cooling is everything.  I mean what's with the sleeves?  Have they never seen a SoulCycle class?

Indeed, at the pro level it would probably make the most sense to compete "Full Cipo" for maximum cooling, with perhaps the judicious application of some small taintal pad to protect the perineum--and if virtual racing really is the future I may start selling a new product called the "Stand-Alone Chamois:"

Just add a light adhesive and you're off (virtually) to the races.

Oh, and one other thing bothers me about this whole thing:

Why hold the races in a velodrome?

Isn't that like going to a movie theater to stream Netflix on a tablet?

I mean really, you're already in the clothes, and you've already got the bike, and there's a perfectly good track 20 feet away, so why not just...oh, never mind.

Sounds like thrilling viewing:

In September, Garcia held his third race at the National Velodrome in Paris. The tournament featured a prize purse of $44,735, paid in part by Garcia and through donations — fans that tuned into the broadcast submitted cash through online transactions to boost the prize pot. Similar to the previous competitions, every athlete had a camera pointed at them throughout the racing.

If you can't get enough of sweaty people wincing in a non-sexual context then clearly this is the spectator sport for you.

By the way, speaking of competitive pedaling without going anywhere, whatever happened to roller racing?  It was having a big comeback until everyone gave up on track bikes and defected to gravel bikes:



Oh, well, it was fun boring while it lasted.

In any case, as long as pro bike racers are desperate for money there will be no shortage of virtual cycling competitors, which means the future of the sport is all but assured:

“For $100,000, I’ll do any bike race, any format, it’s all suffering one in the same,” said Jelly Belly rider Ben Wolfe.

For $50 he'll also help you move.

And even USA Cycling, that most desperate of sports governing bodies, is in the "early stages" of exploring it:

UCI representatives did not respond to queries about any future relationships with CVR. USA Cycling provided a statement that said any plans between the governing body and Zwift are “still in the early stages.”

“We are exploring engaging new ways to collaborate that offer more value to our core racers as well as bring new riders into the sport,” the statement said.

USA Cycling should probably just stop with the bike racing and pivot to becoming a moving company already.