Tuesday, January 2, 2018

This Is Going To Be The Best Year Eve...Oh Never Mind.

Greetings from the City of New York, where it is currently very cold:


(Hey, at least it's sunny!  Mostly.)

...aaand cue the Minnesota Humblebrag:


("Wow, 16 degrees?  Which bathing suit do you recommend for those conditions, regular bikini or full-on thong?")

Of course, cold is relative.  That's why when people ask me* at what temperature it becomes too cold to ride I always answer, "Exactly one degree below the temperature at which you still enjoy riding."  Some people enjoy riding so much that they're willing to deal with the slings and snotcicles of outrageous temperatures, while others are like "Okay, I'm outta here" the moment it's too chilly to ride in open-toed shoes.**

*[Nobody really asks me this, it's called a rhetorical device.]
**[I fully endorse riding helmetless in open-toed shoes while listening to headphones, though obviously if you fail to align your tire label with your valve stem you should be condemned to Hell for all eternity.]

Consider this past week, when I headed out for a chilly jaunt to burn off some of that egg nog (which didn't work, probably because I'd put egg nog in my water bottles):


The snow was beginning to stick and it was cold enough to flash-freeze your perineum, and shortly after I took this photo I encountered a runner with a white beard and a fleshy, windburned face who resembled Santa Claus chasing after his own sleigh.  As we passed each other, here's what he said:

"Who's crazier, you or I?"

I was too busy puzzling over whether or not his grammar was correct (I think it was) to respond, though obviously the correct answer was "You are, Santa."  After all, this was a clear-cut case of "If you have to ask..."  As for me, I was merely engaging in recreation, and if at any point doing so had seemed crazy I would have said "Fuck it" and planted my ass on the couch.  If I think it's too cold/wet/rainy/whatever to ride then I don't ride.  And I certainly don't ride on the trainer.  Now that's crazy.

Anyway, if you keep it short and stay out of the wind it's not too tough to get through the winter around these parts:


("Excuse me, did you just call your slight regional temperature variations 'winter?'")

To that end, lately I've been scampering into Highbridge Park, which is the place I wrote about in my last Outside column:



It takes me no time to roll down there, and while portions of the park are quite technical there's a smooth, flowy section of it that, while quite compact, is more than sufficient to keep you sane:


It can even be rather contemplative:


Indeed, over the break I also ventured down to Cunningham Park in Queens, and I have to confess I fell in love with both New York City and singlespeed mountain bikes all over again:


I used to ride there all the time when I lived on the same landmass, but now that I'm on the mainland I head north to more technical terrain instead.  It felt great to go back for the first time in maybe a couple years, because I'd venture to say that riding a singlespeed in Cunningham Park is the most fun you can have on a bicycle within the city limits.  There's no picking your way through anything here.  It's basically six or so miles of smooth, twisty, up-and-down singletrack with the odd log crossing or rock to keep you on your toes:


There are also a couple of dirt jump sections if you're into that sort of thing, though I am decidedly not into that sort of thing.  

Oh, and some of the rocks have farters on them:


So yeah, that was my break: short rides, close to home, mostly in regular clothes.  I also tried to keep my distance from the Internet, and when I went to get caught up a few days ago I immediately regretted it, since the bike-haters of the world apparently decided to spend the last week of the year all simultaneously vomiting up bile, which I've duly summarized on the Bike Forecast:


I eventually had to mute the muter, but apparently she's still muting people even as I type this.

There's a song in there somewhere:


Finally, while my blog birthday isn't until June, inasmuch as it is a new year I feel it is recumbent upon me to point out that 2018 will see my 11th year of blogging.  


Now I shouldn't have to remind you that over that time I've gone from making jokes about fixies to becoming perhaps the world's foremost authority on all things cycling, which is no small accomplishment:


Furthermore, as things get older they invariably degenerate into a state of disorder.  Or something.


I am no exception, and all of this is by way of formally declaring something you've no doubt noticed by now, which is that given the lofty status I've attained I now feel free to take certain liberties.  Do those liberties involve flinging feces at my audience?  Not yet, anyway.  However, as I strive towards an aloof state of entropy you should probably expect me to follow an increasingly informal posting schedule.  Hey, when you're young you hunch over the bars and hammer, but when you're older you adopt a more upright posture and pedal with a bit less urgency.  So while I haven't yet attained the "shit-smeared corpse in a coffin" phase of my career I'm also not going to break out in hives because I haven't posted something by lunchtime.

Or, if you prefer the short version, 2018 is the year I reach total enlightenment:



36 comments:

Serial Retrogrouch said...

Welcome back!

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

happy new year!

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

Happy New Year!!!

Grump said...

16 degrees?...I can do 16 degrees in my bare feet.......In Chicagoland it's 2 friggin' degrees out.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

Happy New Year!!!

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...why does 'hunching over the bars and hammering' need to be consigned to only the young?

...I wouldn't be considered 'young' anymore by most standards, but I find my need for hunching and hammering as strong as when I was considered young.

...in fact, I might hunch and hammer tonight.

Dog Fight said...

"Do those liberties involve flinging feces at my audience?"

Do no recommend trying that with Leroy's Dog, he'll fling some of his own right back at you.

Freddy Murcks said...

Getting muted by Amy Alkon was this Merry Xmas/Happy Hanukah season's badge of honor. I myself earned a muting by having the temerity to suggest that she should worry less about people who transport their kids 'en bike' and worry more about the distracted drivers who are blithely killing people while they are staring at their stupid fucking phones.

Anonymous said...

podium... and I read it first

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Top tenth Scrani in the new year?

Anonymous said...

I certainly wouldn't blame you for a more informal schedule. It has to be difficult to come up with good material on a daily basis, especially now when you have the Outside gig and your daily riding report. I will gladly take what you've got time to share. I've often wondered if you'll end up going to a 3-day a week schedule like your friend Stevil over at AHTBM.

misster pissta said...

Gg allen key threw fecese but never blogged...

Billy said...

16 degrees! I rode in 5 degrees this morning. Hands, feet, and head all stayed warm, but wool coat + sweater + dress shirt was insufficient to keep my chest and arms from getting cold. At least it'll be 18 degrees on my way home.

I gotta say, I'm really not looking forward to some nosy knuckleheads telling me what to do or not to do with my child, when he's born later this year. Just the thought of someone accosting my wife because she's got our child portaged on the bicycle is already sending me into simultaneous blinding rage and crushing ennui.

Some guy from upstate said...

Yay, welcome back! I've managed to weather the break ok because I got your latest book for Christmas, which has been pretty enjoyable so far. My vote for best simile is "working the brake levers like Patrick Swayze in Ghost". If anyone wonders why I am giggling on long descents, that will be the explanation.

dnk said...

I took a hunch that the cold weather would mean fewer tourist traffic on the Brooklyn Bridge and took advantage of riding across a beloved landmark this morning.

Happy new year Snob. Don't let the feces-throwers on twitter drag you into a state of entropic malaise, and enjoy your formally-declared relaxed posting schedule.

dnk said...

P.S. After reading the Bike Forecast post I asked myself who is this Amy Alkon person with her finger on the mute button.

Turns out she's an advice "goddess". Her wikipedia entry contains a curious mention that she perpetually carries around salami in case someone tries to serve her pasta, which she doesn't eat.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amy_Alkon

I don't know what to make of it. Although there's probably some sort of logic to carrying a four-day supply of salami there that Leroy's dog could appreciate...

bad boy of the south said...

Wekcome back to the fray.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

dnk-

Isn't Wikipedia.org the place where anyone can update a page with additional information? Maybe someone could update Amy the Salami advice goddess Alkon's page.

Just trying to be helpful.

Anonymous said...

Happy New Year, SnoB! Weather is both relative and subjective. I formerly lived in Wisconsin and Illinois, and now live in South Carolina. I got cold in the midwest, ice skating outside; and now get cold here, walking outside. When it feels too cold it is too cold.
On another topic, given the riding habits you describe, you need a Jones Bike to go under those Jones bars, don't you?

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said ...

It's like a deep voice, booming from all around that said:

GREEN LANTERN, YOU HAVE BEEN CHOSEN, GO QUICKLY TO THE ALKON !

Or

This is my ALKON, there are many like it but this one is mine.
Without it I am useless, without me it is useless...

ALKON Take me away!!!

In other news, I've gone full camera fred and was taking pix of the full SUPA Moon rise yestidy at Floyd Bennett Field.

Shameless plug --> realvsk on da instagram ...

Stay warm !!

vsk

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...dnk. The salami she carries is not so much for the possible pasta offering. It's probably so she can work it like Patrick Swayze worked on brakes in Ghost(?)

N/A said...

Welcome to the new year, everybody. Glad to see the words of familiar peeps.
Single speeding bikes have always been a good choice in cruddy conditions like mud, snow, lava, etc. Good call, Wildcat.


For those that enjoy typing things into the wikipedia, it was recently shared with me via an anonymous (but reliable) source that Amy Alkon loves to suck on balls, and enjoys being encouraged to vigorously do so.

HDEB said...

There is no such thing as cold, it is the absence of heat.

Olle Nilsson said...

Surprised you kept up the BSNYC/TA/Outside regimen as long as you did. Oh well, will have more time to read the TA blog now.

Oh, and I've chosen to read all the temperatures in the comments as Celsius, so meh.

leroy said...

Dear Mr. BSNYC -

My dog clicked on the link to your September 2008 post re the Armstrong press conference and noticed I was commenting back then.

He says I used to be funny and asked what happened.

I think he's just peeved because when he complained about the weather this morning, I reminded him that it's not the heat, it's the humidity.

I had to explain that's funny because it's true.

He muttered that I don't take him seriously.

Oh well....

Happy New Year. Glad to renew my subscription.

(And glad my dog handled the renewal, forwarding the check I gave him made out to cash.)

Anonymous said...

I hear a flash-frozen perineum is what led that Danish guy to muse on the slings and snotcicles of outrageous temperatures.

Matt said...

Yeah...I can totally see not riding when it's cold. It's like down to 58 or so here on the CA Central Coast this afternoon...kind'a chilly for me...think I'll skip the after-work ride today. I mean, for goodness sakes, I'd have to wear ARM WARMERS! Sorry...I'm out.

Anonymous said...


SB said
"2018 is the year I reach total enlightenment:"
I reached total enlightenment in 1981 and all I can say is
AC said
"we all got a long ways to go"
and I see us no closer now than then.

Anonymous said...

That didn't take long.... At least 6 motorist were killed in traffic violence on the first day of the year here in Texas. 4 in the Dallas area and 2 in Lufkin. At least that's all that I know of. I wonder if I will be muted for speaking about traffic violence.

Cat 404 e-Racer said...

PeriNeum - isn't that the early season French stage race?

fourhourerection said...

Who's crazier? Me. Hope that clears things up.

Coline said...

Who knew that you were correct? Both you and me!

Everyone gets it wrong because halfwits are employed as presenters on TV and do not get fired when they mangle the language and give the public the wrong idea.

Chris said...

Leave the "you or" out of the sentence. Who's crazier, I? or Who's crazier, me? Me makes more sense.

Anonymous said...

Pretty sure that Amy Alkon carries that salami around for those occasions when she is told to go f*ck herself.

Skidmark said...

These days a larger amount of people say “crazier than I”; whereas a fewer number go by the “crazier than me” notion (as expounded by Ms. Martindale, 7th grade English class, circa 1968).

Anonymous said...

I ride from Washington Heights to midtown... it's not the cold, it's the wind.. Last week Tuesday was not as cold as Friday (which was 0 with windchill) but was windier and far more unpleasant...