Friday, January 5, 2018

There Will Absolutely Be A Friday Fun Quiz, Just Not Today

Wow, I can't believe it, there's only one outraged comment on Outside's Facebook post for my latest column!



Rebecca Ruth Why on earth would you want to. Won’t bother reading this one. What will they think of next.

You know, Rebecca, if you actually read the column you might find out why on earth you'd want...oh never mind.



Mitch Walker Would you PLEASE focus on outdoor articles. NOT politics. I’m about to write the CEO of the publishing company.

Uh-oh!

And my column was merely the latest in a series of indignities to which Mitch has been subjected by Outside.  He also had to witness a picture of two similarly-gendered people sharing a single sleeping bag:

Mitch Walker Between this article and the one last week featuring two guys in a sleeping bag (which I don’t agree with but it’s the way the millennial a operate LOL), the mags comment “get over it,” the company needs to clean up its image. Highly unprofessional

I don't know what's dumber: getting freaked out by two guys in a sleeping bag, or blaming everything you don't like on "millennials."

None of which is to imply Mitch is some sort of idiot, of course:

Mitch Walker How about all of you suck a fucking dick

Just kidding, he clearly is.

Anyway, clearly I've got to get these people more angry, and a column about how riding carbon fiber causes birth defects should do it.  (Especially if I emphasize that you should have the right to terminate that pregnancy.)

Speaking of only riding one bike for a year, you'll no doubt be fascinated to know that I'm in the midst of curating a pair of "road" wheels for Ol' Piney:


I had some Bruce Gordon Rock n' Road tires lying around, and I had some 29er wheels lying around.  Now all I've got to do is install the 180mm front rotor and ridiculously huge 11-42 cassette I just received and then wait for some of this fucking snow to melt:


I did take a very short spin today and it was a total shitshow out there.  The trails are too snowy to ride even with my chubby tires*, and the streets are a slushy mess besieged by impatient and inept drivers.  I mean seriously, how the hell do you rear-end a Department of Sanitation snowplow?  I don't know, but the idiot in the SUV with the Georgia plates somehow managed to pull it off.  

*[And no, I'm NOT GETTING A FAT BIKE!  That wouldn't have helped either, because I don't see anyone grooming the trails for me anytime soon.]

Finally, sometimes I worry that time and the Portlandia TV series have mellowed Portland, but then along comes someone who's crowfunding a project to film Cyclocross Nationals on Super 8 film:

Super 8 CX Nationals Project from Local Cycling Network on Vimeo.

If there's one thing the world needs more of it's niche sports filmed with obsolete equipment, and it probably won't surprise you to learn that the filmmaker is painfully earnest about this project:


Or that Super 8 film looks like crap:


So crappy in fact that you can barely make out the bunny ears:


Still, of course I understand it's not about the quality, it's about getting together afterwards and watching it while drinking craft brews and twirling the ends of your waxed mustache. 

I wish him nothing but the best, and I look forward to his next fundraising campaign, which will no doubt involve bike polo and Polaroid portraiture.


27 comments:

Watch and Camera Guy said...

Podium?

Anonymous said...

Podio, bitches

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Podio? Only L'Eroica should be filmed in Super 8, for authenticity reasons, of course!

FR8 said...

You forgot the Brompton clause in your one bike resolution: A folding bike may accompany me on any journey involving the New York City Subway or Metro-North.

Grump said...

If you don't ride them, won't your other bikes get all dusty, with flat tires???.....PS. in that box below, you should have a box to check that says....."I feel like a robot".


Anonymous said...

That grooming thing is an old hipsters tale.

About the only time it actually really helps is if there's lots of fresh snow and no one packs it down at all.

When it's wet and heavy slushy snow, it's going to be like riding on mud no matter what you or anyone else did to it.

Not to say it isn't fun.

Anonymous said...

Can't wait until your post storm
exposé on car cakes.

Dooth said...

Not being able to ride because of snow is earnestly painful.

N/A said...

Ooh, who's a tough little Outside reader? You are, Mitch Walker. Are you "about to" write to the CEO of a publishing company? hahaha, stupid.
The good thing about the old days of writing letters is that you could wipe your ass with the stupid ones. In the day and age of emails, it kind of takes the symbolism out of it.

leroy said...

Well I for one found Mr. Mitch Walker's attempted Cipollini impression unconvincing:

"(which I don’t agree with but it’s the way the millennial a operate LOL)."

As my dog explains:

"Eefa you-a gonna go in fora da insensiteeva accentura mockeena, yousa gotta to go inna fora da whole of da hog, LOLza fortississmo, bella."

I'm not sure what he means by that.

My Esperanto is rusty.

Ride-a da safety all!

Hee Haw the barista said...

Was the 2 dudes in the sleeping bag article before or after the "Best Yoga Specific Paddle Board to Take on a Himalayan Hackysack Retreat" article?

fourhourerection said...

I'm only here for the comments. *eats popcorn*

Some guy from upstate said...

Not complaining, but what happened to no school, no post? Are the wee snoblings out going door-to-door, shovels in hand, trying to raise money for their NICA team?

BikingBill said...

Somewhere in my pile of junk I have a Super8 Film of a Cyclocross race I filmed in 1977. :-)

BikingBill said...

Somewhere in my piles of junk, I have a Super8 film of a cyclocross race I filmed around 1977 or so.

Anonymous said...

Maybe the wee snoblings helped write today's column?

Anonymous said...

ROKN ROAD

Hee Haw the barista said...

"BikingBill said...
Somewhere in my piles of junk, I have a Super8 film of a cyclocross race I filmed around 1977 or so."

Clearly a Gofundme is in order for the expedition to find your vintage edit.

McFly said...

I just slapped a 42T on the back of the Koner.

Now when Junior gets his drone stuck in a tree I can ride up there a get it de-hung.

bad boy of the south said...

Just read your newest article in "outside"online. it was trending on my silly phone feed this morning.nice shout out to our new friend amy in it.i forecast a huge twitter storm.a really good read.so,since I'm "writing"to the CEO of this blog,i do have a query.what does "figures in you ears"look like?just asking.

Anonymous said...

Perhaps you’ve already dealt with this issue, but on the off chance it remains unaddressed . . . If you change the wheels on your bicycle, is it still the same bicycle and therefore one bike?
Common sense says yes. Changing wheels doesn’t create an extra bicycle, there’s still just one, and by some identity property of bike mathematics it seems proper to say that the my one bike is my same bike.
On the other hand:
1) Theoretically speaking, the word bicycle indicates that the definition of a bike is that it is characterized by its “cycles” and if one changes those cycles surely the identity of that bi-cycle is changed and is therefore not the same bike.
2) Practically speaking, go to a shop and say I’d like to buy that NiceBikeCheapWheels model but please replace the cheap wheels with cool wheels.
The shopmaster is happy, replaces the wheels, and presents you with the cooler bike with an upgraded price reflecting the “cycles” upgrade.
You object, saying that just changing wheels doesn’t make a bike a different (i.e. a second) bike and that because it is one bike the original cheap price is the only price to pay.
Disputations ensue.
Care to comment? Or is this nonsense the sort of nonsense that only nonsense lovers of the Rebecca/Marty/Mitch variety think up?
Either way, I think I need to go for a ride.

Alkonomics anokneemouse said...

yup, just came on to say what a boss take-down of Alkonism on Outside because I really can't be bothered to white-list enough scripts to enable comments on another blog

Matt said...

I've done movies in both Regular 8 (where you took the film out after the first 25 feet and flipped it) and Super 8 (an easy cartridge) and the image quality blows dogs. Any modern digital camera blows away Super-8 film quality. Just an iPhone does magnificent work compared to Super 8. My offspring had a 20 minute Super-8 lip-sync sound movie I made in 1975 converted to DVD and it sucks big time. These guys may think there's some purity to doing Super-8 but that shit's fucked up and they are wasting their time.

Anonymous said...

Where's this "two guys in a sleeping bag" that's got Mitch in a curfluffal? Someone's gotta have a link to this forbidden fruit.

Die free said...

Snobby on what surly was a snow day. Happy pedaling out in the cold.

Anonymous said...

Hey while looking for the offending article I read about 3 socking it. Any of youz try this on 2 wheels before?

https://www.outsideonline.com/2272356/how-survive-most-frigid-winter-runs

Unknown said...

I love photography. I have film in my fridge and freezer. 8MM sux... even the super 8...
But here's my question: if I mainly ride as a commuter from Washington hts to midtown and back on my euromini 20in folder, do I count?