Monday, July 10, 2017

Titles Are The Pie Plate of Literature

I'm not on the Facebook, but subsequent to the publication of my Outside thing about the Tour de France I went to their Facebook page, which Zuckerberg and Co. graciously let non-Facebookies look at provided they are willing to peer around this annoyingly-placed rectangle:


In so doing, I was bemused to find hundreds of incensed comments beneath the link to my piece, most of which were some variation on the theme that I'm stupid because the Tour is awesome and so should return to my "safe space."  If this represents the typical Outside reader I find this highly encouraging, since if they're this easily upset it should be great fun to continue taunting them for as long as the magazine will continue to have me. In fact I'm already at work on my next missive, tentatively titled "Fuck Mountaineering."


By the way, I'd be willing to bet that 90% of those Facebook commenters have not watched a Tour since 2005.

Then again, I should probably work a little harder to understand the outdoorsy demographic, since I'm assuming there's got to be something in between the types of people who buy stuff from Best Made and chop wood in photography studios:



And the potbellied cargo-shorted suburbanites who shop at REI and buy racks they'll never use for their meticulously detailed SUVs.

However, if there is I have yet to encounter it.

Alas, I'm a lot more familiar with the cycling demographic--who, when you retweet a found stolen bike:
Reply with comments about bike setup:


Or smugly tell you how things work in France:


There are a lot of annoying people on the Internet, but we cyclists truly are the worst:


(Via here.)

Hey, I practically invented making fun of fixies, but it's 2017 now and I just wanna see that person get their bike back.

Speaking of the Tour de France, yesterday's Stage 9 was certainly exciting, but not for the right reasons:



Prompting another one of Outside's know-it-all pundits to call out the race organizers:



Knowing a route like the back of your hand comes into play in the Tour de France. While I thought today’s 182-kilometer course into Chambéry was really stupid—a supposed “queen stage” that doesn’t end with an epic climb—the GC contenders still needed to know it like they do their home terrain. A twisty-turny descent as critical as today’s demands that you and your team ride it in training three to four times. I mean, you really need to know it. Not to say Porte didn’t know the downhill, but today either an overcorrection or a bad line sent him to the ground, and then straight across the road and into both Dan Martin and the rocky hillside. No way for Martin to save that crash, and Porte goes to the hospital, reportedly breaking a collarbone and his pelvis. I totally disagree with this kind of dark, moist, dangerous downhill before a queen-stage finish. Because of it, the 2017 Tour has lost another one of its big names.



Questions must be asked of race organisers Amaury Sports Organisation (ASO) for including a treacherous final descent after one of the toughest climbing stages in recent Tour history. Rather than settling for a typical summit finale, ASO opted for the stage’s fourth technical descent and a finish in Chambéry. Porte was one of 11 riders to fall during the day, with Froome’s lieutenant Geraint Thomas also suffering a race-ending shoulder injury. Martin, who completed the stage despite crashing into Porte, offered guarded criticism of ASO afterwards. “I guess the organisers got what they wanted,” said the Quick-Step Floors rider. Cycling is an inherently dangerous sport, but this was just gratuitous.

Criticizing a stage that not only takes out a favorite but results in serious injury?  These people really need to return to their "safe space."

In other crash news, Esteemed Commenter Daddo One informs me a driver slammed into a Hubway station in Boston:


According to police, officers responded to the intersection around 3:59 a.m. Saturday where they found a black Cadillac “in the middle of the Hubway Station with multiple damaged bicycles surrounding it.’’

The vehicle was unoccupied.

Seems pretty innocent to me.  Clearly the driver decided to exchange his Cadillac for a bike so he attempted to dock his car and then rode off.  Hey, I read the Hubway instructions, and nowhere do they explicitly say the docks won't accept Caddies:


If anything we should welcome this driver into the fold and gift him with a "One Less Car" sticker.

Lastly, Bret sightings continue unabated, and here's one via a reader in which he's inspiring students at a London secondary school to pursue a career in biology:


Given Bret's omnipresence and ability to bend space and time physics would seem a more appropriate course of study, but then again his soul patch no doubt harbors untold biological mysteries, so I'll allow it.

57 comments:

Anonymous said...

Fine day for it!

Bryan Bracy said...

Podiusiss!

Chazu said...

Dos

justhangingaround said...

I was in my big ring and 11 and I also read the whole thing and still podiumed? I feel like Rigoberto Uran (love the name - many fantastic options for great nicknames - Rigo, RigB, RB, Bert - hmm... maybe not that one, but you know what I mean).
And may I add that one can always break going downhill.
Select all squares with vehicles.

Jasper said...

Early doors

Chazu said...

I read it all before I started pumping my fists as I roared across the finish line to take a spot on the podium. Anyhoo..

This happened in my neck of flyover country, on my favorite biekcycling route:

http://www.mercurynews.com/2017/07/10/watch-driver-hits-bicyclist-then-flees-scene/

The motorist posted an $11,500 bond and is awaiting his first court date on July 20th. His home address started making the rounds among local cyclists within hours of the assault. I wonder if he went into hiding?

bieks said...

In case there wasn't an oldentard response to the stolen bike:

Seriously, some people are way too flexible for their own good! Youts!

N/A said...

What are the hipsters doing with all this wood that they're chopping? Are art-is-anal potbelly stoves a thing now? Do they light their fires with handmade matches made with organic sulphur? I think if JiffyPop were to play their cards right, they could really seize this dipshit market and enjoy the ride until the next big thing.

Cat 404 e-Racer said...

Just found this on Bikerumor (a blog almost as funny as BikesnobNYC!)

https://www.bikerumor.com/2017/07/10/speedvagen-adds-the-urban-racer-to-their-ready-made-program-saving-you-big-bucks-on-stock-sizes/#more-165868

I wonder if Best Made will be selling these "Urban Racers" as crafted by Speedvagin'?

Is an "Urban Racer" not the same as a "scorcher"?

Rats! Missed the Plodium again.

MolassesChamois said...

Top tithe?

Spokey said...



baker's ten!

Twist and Shout said...

I could use an instuctional video on the proper manner in which to operate a screwdriver. I never know the optimal point as to where one is to focus their attention.

Old Timer said...

Huh? What?

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said ...

So,
What'd I miss ?


vsk

Twist and Shout said...

Blast! Missed a 'r'.
I must have started drinking too soon after breakfast.

Dooth said...

WTF is up with Best Made...an axe tutorial in a studio? In that case, use a bikini-clad female model. Big boobs would be nice. Ok, she can
wear a knit cap for hipster cred.

Hair Furor said...

I really WANT to watch the Tour, but every day I wake up and don't.

Anonymous said...

who in the fuck is the demographic for the Best Made shit? I can't even imagine anyone being so stupid? but then again, 60MM voted for Donny. so the Stupid demographic has some serious potential. we are doomed.

Anonymous said...

As someone who actually got paid to swing an axe at one time, I find the youtoob instruction video hilarious. I wonder if they're seeing more incidents of self inflicted wood chopping injuries at the Manhattan emergency rooms lately?

Spokey said...


go east young asshole go east

didn't know we had them around here. right in snobbie's hemorrhoids. i've been smoked. of course it was huge and black and i think a ford.

wats7 said...

I think a couple did "break" Shame that they didn't brake

bieks said...

Hey, N/A 1:50 - put a Best Made sticker on that Jiffy Pop and sell it for $25.

The King of Park Slope said...

Outside ... where else will I learn which is the most ecological yoga mat to take slacklining in Borneo?

Ziga K said...

I just read the blogpost from 2010, and there's a front page of a magazine called Poets&Writers, featuring a bike looking suspiciously similar to the 2017 stolen bike:

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_wb8bAl1P-N0/TDMqoNlzGSI/AAAAAAAAPkg/NEKB2xQ6g9s/s1600/PW-JA-2010_for-Jessi-1.jpg

N/A said...

bieks, ahaha!

Anonymous said...

Armstrong TdF analysis? Really?

Grump said...

As for the Porte crash, who hasn't crashed their bike at 60kph? At least he didn't land on a pile of bikes.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 3:39pm,

Yeah, what does he know about the Tour?

--Wildcat Etc.

Anonymous said...

Mountain descents in the Tour de France are dangerous and always have been. Wim Van Est flatted and crashed in 1951, losing the yellow jersey in the process. In 1960 Roger Riviere hit a wall and tumbled into a ravine, breaking his back in what was probably a drug-related crash. Bernard Hinault persevered after he ran off a cliff in 1977, clambering back up, grabbing a new bike, and going on to win the stage. I’m sorry that Porte crashed, but les emmerdes, ça arrive.

Your Words are Hurtful to sensitive egos said...

The outdoorsy demographic are easy to understand: They are tourists who hate to be called tourists. They like to think everything they do is "adventurous", though none of them do anything remotely like Lewis and Clark. Even climbing Everest is a tourist activity, back at Base Camp they should be given sarcastic certificates:"Congratulations, you are the 4,450th person to "Climb Everest"; usually with a lot of help. So in addition to your "Fuck Mountaineering" article, you could really rile them up with "It is really all just Tourism and Fashion Nowadays". It is strange that you were attacked though, they have a generally supportive article about "Tour De Pharmacy" on their website which is a more scathing attack. They also have an (oops) embarrassingly supportive article about Peter Sagan, who supposedly is going to "save" bike racing.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 3:49pm,

What profound insight.

--Wildcat Etc.

dtwright said...

Hey, Henri Desgrange said his ideal TdF was one so grueling that the only finisher was the man who won. Maybe the organizers are just trying to get back to their roots...

Drock said...

I doped and had trouble reading but just now crossed the line. Once your done with Mountain climbing please start in on color runs or what ever they call running and then throwing colored powder on each other.

N/A said...

Wildcat, are your articles going to be site-only, or will you be in the print mags?





Shoot, as I was typing that, it occurs to me that I don't even know if Outside exists as a printed magazine anymore.

Burpee Gupta said...

Holi?

You white fuckers made Holi into a sport?

Anonymous said...

Marshall Grant Neely III was born in NYC.

Hee Haw the barista said...

Now that you're on the editorial staff at Outside, you can get in on all the cutting edge product testing they do.

Can't wait to see the 2017 camping blender shootout.

Cat 404 e-Racer said...

N/Ah:

"...I don't even know if Outside exists as a printed magazine anymore."

My Gerontologist's office has a large print copies in the waiting room.

Spokey said...


Tour de Pharmacy is on my HBO over the next several days. tonight HBO2 @ 20:00 EDT

Obtuse Commenter named Fred said...

Anonymous 3:39pm,

Yeah, what does he know about the Tour?

--Wildcat Etc.

Don't you know that he "won" the Tour like 7 times and then had them taken away in disgrace? He, like totally got tons of people into biking. Don't you remember the LIVESTRONG bracelet? Sheesh, some bike expert you are.

BamaPhred said...

Tried the facebooking thingy, couldn't get into it. Tried reading Outside, couldn't get into it. Etc. Maybe it's not the product.
I'm so over the Lance thing.

Derek Dirtbag said...

I want to be an Outside writer too.

Xmas 2017 issue ... gift buyers guide.

In no particular order, what to get that hard to shop for outdoor enthusiast ... pot, beer, money, sandwiches, Teva Mush flipflops

Can I haz writer job?

blunchbelly said...

White and yellow birch spilt like butter for most everything else you'all need a maul. Take a half step back and hold by the bottom of the handle. Jeez you would think that guy wasn't a lumberjack at all!

Flyover bike commuter said...

Outside is headquartered in Fanta Se, NEW Mexico, right across the street from REI., like two peas in pod.

Snob, was that you on the train to Albuquerque about six weeks ago. If so, were you enchanted. If so, say no more. We're already overpopulated. Did you find the best knish Albuquerque?

Spokey said...


lance who?

btw birch makes a nicer pancake syrup than maple.

EricBikeCO said...

The descent is safer if you fucking ride within your limits. Otherwise, tough shit dopers.

Anonymous said...

Hey Spokey —

Ever tried Hickory Syrup? It’s pretty awesome. Got to admit that I’ve never tried Birch, but I’ll keep my eye peeled for it.

Regards,

Anonymous 3:49

Spokey said...

never tried hickory

the link i posted is where i get the birch

Anonymous said...

Only in Brooklyn do they split wood with an axe. Even this Manhattanite knows that the tool for that job is a maul.

BeerDrivenCyclist said...

Fity?!?

BamaPhred said...

I've tried axes, mauls, sledgehammer and wedges, and powered hydraulic splitters. Now I just turn on the self lighting gas logs in the fireplace.

Anonymous said...

Tour stage is too dangerous? Those bikes have brakes that, you know, slow the bikes down to safer speeds...

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 12:13am,

You sound like you've ridden in a lot of bike races.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Rider of the Natchez Trace (Southern End) said...

Did I miss anything? I am actually this late because I was using an axe today. I have grubbed up a stump and today cut some of the logs out of the top of the pulled up stump. You have to leave about 6 foot standing so you have a place to attach the chain to so you can get leverage when you pull the stump over so you can get at the tap roots.

I don't have enough trees in my yard to justify maintaining a chain saw so I just use a bow saw. All I was using the axe for was to take the pressure off of the cuts so I could continue to saw.

Just letting you know that there actually are people who still use axes. I am one. Of course the axe I used was not a Best Made Axe. It is the typical axe bought at some hardware store 20 or 30 years ago and sharpened so many times that it really should be replaced.

JLRB said...

Tour de Axe; Axe Le Tour

I must admit I will tune in for some castle porn at some point.

The link to the crash led me to a link to Lance's video/podcast/utubeing - glad he's found something to help pay the legal bills

JLRB said...

And enough about all that - what about ME

today as I was riding my bikecycle a bee hit my helment, hard. Stopped at a light, took off my helment and the live be/wasp creature was crawling around between the vents. So yes, I had a bee in my bonnet.

later came upon a fellow member of the bike riding type what was yelling at the driver of a work truck "don't f*ck with me - you are on camera" pointing to the camera mounted to his helment. He too had a bee in his bonnet.

Does Outside have a Bikini of the Month Babe said...

The Outside tested Coleman Propane Stove that attaches to your handlebars, to buy, or not to buy, that is the question. If yes, should I only use it to cook the hotdogs rated #1 by the NY Times taste testers (only available at Whole Paycheck).

PS: The police caught people stealing something, will wonders never cease. Please deploy the officers involved to Wall Street.