Wednesday, June 7, 2017

We're Going Straight from Wednesday to Friday!



Tomorrow, Thursday, June 8th, the city's schools are closed:


(That's today meaning tomorrow.  Meaning Thursday.  You know what I mean.)

Therefore in accordance with my blogging contract, I won't be updating this blog tomorrow.  Instead, I'll be doing some skateboarding and then going to see the "Captain Underpants" movie.

Then once I'm done with that I'm going to spend some quality time with the kids.

In the meantime, rest assured I'll be updating the Bike Forecast as usual, and I'll see you all back here on Friday.

Speaking of skateboards, I recently got one for my eldest child since he'd been asking for one for his birthday.  Here's me portaging it across the Brooklyn Bridge via Citi Bike in an environmentally unfriendly plastic bag:


Of course, inasmuch as I once looked like this:


It probably won't surprise you to learn that I too used to ride a skateboard in my youth.  Furthermore, like all aging people who once looked like that, buying that skateboard rekindled something inside me.  Therefore, it also probably won't surprise you to learn that within a week I pulled the classic dorky dad move, and instead of simply living vicariously through his son like a normal middle-aged doofus I went back to the store and bought another one for myself.

Yeah, that's right, I'm a walking cliché:



And I won't be walking for long, either, because we all know it's only a matter of time before I bust my ass on this thing.  See, the problem isn't that it's been like 30 years since I regularly rode a skateboard.  In fact, as soon as I stepped onto it it felt as familiar as if I'd been skating just yesterday.

No, the problem is that even 30 years ago I wasn't very good.  I mean sure, I could zip around the neighborhood on the thing no problem, but I was pretty bad at doing tricks.  Indeed I was similarly bad at doing tricks on my BMX:


(This was about as good as I got.  Note I hadn't yet adopted my angry teen wardrobe, or removed my reflectors for that matter.)

Which is why I went from trying to copy freestyle moves I'd seen in magazines to racing on the track.

(This, incidentally, is why I like riding singlespeed mountain bikes.  It feels like the BMX racing I enjoyed so much as a kid.)

Nevertheless, as I'm sure you can imagine, as soon as I got on the skateboard I started to break out all my old moves, and then as now my entire repertoire consists exactly of this:



Seriously, I might as well be watching a video of myself.

So what I'm saying is basically it's only a matter of time before the board flies out from under me when I fail to land one of my pathetic ollies and I wind up in the ER.

In the meantime though it's been fun, and I figure I might as well enjoy it while my son's still too young to be humiliated by the sight of his father on a skateboard.  (Or until I wind up in the ER, whichever comes first.)  And surprisingly, perhaps the most enjoyable part so far (besides the familial bonding) has been buying the thing.

See, as much as I try to have a good attitude when I walk into a bike shop, as a complete bike dork I'm always secretly rolling my eyes whenever a member of the staff dares make a recommendation.  It's the insufferable attitude of the old man who'd been there and done that.  Believe me, I'm not proud of it.  In fact I make myself sick.

Not like I need to tell you any of this.  I mean you all read my blog.

Given this, it was incredibly refreshing to walk into a skate shop, embrace my ignorance, and completely surrender to the staff.  (I also refrained from binging on information from the Internet and then trying to pretend I knew what the hell I was talking about.)  Oh sure, I know a bearing from a bushing, and I'd even owned a couple of the retro boards that they had for sale, but it's been so long since I've paid close attention to skateboards that I wasn't going to even attempt picking one out for myself.  Best of all, there's not a lot of risk in buying what they tell you to buy, since while skateboards aren't cheap exactly they sure seem like it when your frame of reference is bicycles.

Seriously, consider what Fred pays for just a pair of handlebars:

For that money you can buy two skateboards and have plenty of change left over for weed, knit hats, or whatever the hell skaters spend their money on.

As for what I ended up buying, it's probably the equivalent of a hybrid bike or something, but that's about where I am in life anyway, and at least I didn't go for the electric model.

Finally, here's someone who has been thoroughly brainwashed:
Wearing a helmet while city cycling the Netherlands is like wearing a latex glove when you masturbate.

And on that note, I'm off, and I'll see you back here on Friday.

Love,


--Wildcat Rock Machine




75 comments:

Anonymous said...

Yea

Anonymous said...

2nd?

Anonymous said...

all three

wishiwasmerckx said...

Fourth place. Fuckin' podium hog!

Anonymous said...

My eyes! My eyes!

dancesonpedals said...

What has been seen cannot be unseen

Bamaphred said...

It's the view of the Pockylypse.

the commentariat said...

I wear a latex glove AND a latex condom when I masturbate.

Spokey said...


the late bird catches, ummm smart junk?

wishiwasmerckx said...

Little known fact:

There is a factory in Mexico where they make the latex gloves. The workers stick their hands in a vat of liquid latex, then peel them off and box and ship them.

You don't even want to know how the condoms are made.

N/A said...

What do you call a skateboard Fred? Also, I assume Wildcat will be trading in his stretchy padded shorts and clicky-clack shoes for some Dickies and Vans. The Wednesday Weed remains unchanged, thankfully.

dnk said...

Finally. This blog is slouching toward all things skateboard.

Hello SkatebordSnobNYC.

Grump said...

Snobby....As for your upcoming skateboard adventure, I seem to recall a Headline from "The Onion".........Fleet Of Ambulances On Hand For 41-Year-Olds' Touch Football Game.

N/A said...

I'm going to go grab gleamingthecubeNYC.blogspot.com

N/A said...

#whattrucksyourunnin

Spokey said...

and i thought "and at least I didn't go for the electric model." was just the usual snobbie snarking.

lo and behold (what the fuck-o does that mean anyway?)

Recently, electric skateboards have also appeared. These no longer require the propelling of the skateboard by means of the feet; rather an electric motor propels the board, fed by an electric battery - wikipedia - source of all wisdom. fake and otherwise.

McFly said...

Did you take it off any sweet jumps?

Frickus Rungus said...

I year or two ago I got my kids new scooters. In a moment of weakness I went out and bought a long board so I could join in the fun. (as far as I can tell there's no such thing as middle age man appropriate scooter) So far, the worst injury I've inflicted on myself involved running over a pine cone whilst going down a hill. At night. In the rain. I guess being older doesn't guarantee any kind of good judgement or wisdom...

dancesonpedals said...

I go with the latex gloves, latex condoms (from north of the border...thanks wiwm, I'll read the labels) and keep my eyes on the Nuns Having Fun Calendar

N/A said...

Thanks DOP, I'm going to have to pick up that calendar. I went to private school and had nuns teaching me.


I don't need gloves, but there is a complicated series of pulleys and winches.

bad boy of the sooth said...

First,smart junk(tm),then electric skateboards.what's next?smart electric recumbents?oh,the humanity!

Spokey said...


i use nitrile gloves. ahh, what about those?

Old Timer said...

..."the old man who'd been there and done that".

bad boy of the sooth said...

Oh for the love of lob! there are.

Chazu said...

Does the big red dot on the tree indicate that it is to be cut down?

Or did the Japanese imperial army invade your neighborhood and paint the Rising Sun on a bunch of stuff?

I guess the latter scenario makes the most sense, given your advanced age.

(oh come on! you're not old!)

Anonymous said...

First thing I noticed about the Skateboard shop was how many other OLD dudes were in there buying boards, that like me, they never ride! Mas

Very Slim Pickens said...

"In fact, as soon as I stepped onto it it felt as familiar as if I'd been skating just yesterday."

I wonder if sex would work the same way after a 30 year laid off. Maybe, other than going blind in the meantime.

PS. Pic #1 - Love the new Sky Team Kits for this years Tour de Helicopter Chateau Porn.

Anonymous said...

Look at that! Haro FST? Haro has been doing a whole remake of the old bikes by year, they're on 1987 now. You can get true to the times 1" threaded HS, American BB, & the shitty drop outs of the era. OR they have a new liniage version that has modern geometetry, 1 1/8" HS and are well made.

Glad you're getting back to your roots!

Humor Judging Panel said...

wish I was Eddie M breaks away for the early lead

JLRB said...

If you extrapolate the teaching the boys to skateboard process to "the tak"

ken e. said...



GULL WING
REIS SUE!

NHcycler said...

WCRM -- is that your lil' bro standing there on the lawn with his crossed arms and scornful, judgmental expression watching you pop that BMX wheelie?

bieks said...

Based on the movie poster at the top of your blog, I'm going to go ahead and recommend you don't take your kid to the "Captain Underpants" movie.

Spokey said...


yeah but wiwm always gets pulled back as the final sprint starts. i think levi mentored him.

Spokey said...


speaking of snobbie style

how could you?

is not that aqua seat paired with the red biek trimmings and especially the red knee high sox is the fashion travesty of a generation? No wonder the imperial army was invading.

james purdy said...

Totally stoked on the captain underpants movie. I'm tempted to get a skateboard so I could pull a george and Harold with my boy and roll over a bunch of ketchup packs at the local tennis courts.

hellbelly said...

I blame Stevil as I too went out and promptly bought a new board after getting ones for my boys
. I am right there with you on the skill level presented in the video. However, I garnered a few "cool" points doing some slappies/grinds on our neighborhood curbs without completely eating shit.

Anonymous said...

Old man, put down the skateboard and take up smoking. It's safer.

Signed,

Rex Kramer, danger seeker

dancesonpedals said...

Is it just me, or does anyone else wonder why a guy on trial for sexually assaulting unconscious women used to play an on/gym on TV?

Hans Brinker said...

One must learn something every day. Today I learned that the "Dutch Reach" had nothing to do with being unable to pick up the tab for lunch.

Anonymous said...

Is that a C.O.C. Shirt? Mike Dean would be proud.

bieks said...

Even back in your BMX days, you were surrounded by the nonplussed.

It's All Downhill From Here said...

I found the long boad to be most enjoyable to ride.

Anonymous said...

theres an announcement screen (or whtever you call it) near the intrepid on hudson greenway that shows a number to call to report illegal ebikes, escooters and eskateboards. Anyone ever call that number?

DB said...

Dude!
Broke out the Thrasher magazines, the Black Label skateboard and practicing my Salman Agah moves.
Thanks for the memories.
Be careful out there.

Matt said...

I'm sorry but that 1st picture is pretty disturbing. But likely that's what you were going for...if so then you succeeded with high style.
Skateboards...ahh....miss my OLD freestyle board, tracker trucks and Simms wheels w/ Simms racing bearings. That was the real deal (to me). However a long board would have been good as I ate shit on a fast downhill (high speed wobbles) and destroyed my new Seiko watch (cost more than the board). Also tore up my hands pretty good...which was even more sad as my padded gloves were in my back pocket.

JLRB said...

Skateboard? No.

4 wheels bad 2 wheels good

Matt describes the point in my childhood where I decided skateboards suck - steep downhill superman

JLRB said...

Sorry I'm not from around here

McFly said...

I am washed over by nostalgia whenever I am in a skate store. Bones bearings. Independent trucks. Vans. Grip tape. Per Welinder signature decks.

West Tennessee was/is a hotbed of the grind scene man. Shred the gnar.

Lance Culley had a 10 ft halfpipe and we would sneak in when they were out of town (rich folk) and just stand hovering off the coping daring one another to drop in. We didn't. We were pussies.

Old Crosser said...

Bikes will set you back decades

http://www.bizjournals.com/denver/news/2017/03/24/editors-notebook-are-you-ready-to-ditch-your-car.html?ana=twt

Anonymous said...

The red dot is from the last kid who wheelied helment-less down the street

Spokey said...


the things i learn hear

and i thought a skate board was something like a cedar plank salmon. i've never seen skate in the grocery store though and was as usual con-fused.

dancesonpedals said...

My grandfather lost faith in mankind when he saw fishermen cut round plugs out of skate wings and sell them as scallops...

speaking of losing faith, will the next fondant have a longboard segment?

Freddy Murcks said...

As someone who tried to be a skater as a teen and who has tired to skate as a middle ager, I think the biggest difference is in how your body responds to falling on your ass. When you're a teen, you bounce when you hit the ground. When you hit the ground in middle age, you break - or if you don't break bones, you get soft tissue injuries that take for-fucking-ever to heal.

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said ...

An awesome sight ...

Super beautiful gurls in smart business attire rockin da longboard in the bike lane. Then popping out into traffic because the bike lane's going too slow.

The real Wonder Woman.

vsk

Animal Chin said...

Not sure if yesterday's post confirms my desire to revisit my skateboarding youth, buy a new board and become the old guy poppin ollies, or confirms that a moderate slam will leave me at the mercy of expensive chiropractors and physiotherapists for years to come.

babble on said...

Yer kid is going to look down his nose at you if you don't get hip and switch it up to a longboard for everything but the skatepark. I know this cause one of mine is 25, the other 14, and cause I raised them on bikes, boards were the form rebellion took in this house. The little guy started in on teen rebellion so young that at 14, he just noticed a massive difference between the size of the muscles on his right leg v left.

I gave him a roadbike for his birthday this year, and he hardly even looked at it for a few weeks(holy fuck he hit adult sizes early, having scraped six feet by his 14th birthday!!) but now that he sees the lopsided result of the boards, and given that the girls are casting all sorts of come hither glances his way, he has finally begun to ride again, because, well, symmetry is attractive. Wooooooooo hoooooooooo!! :D

Boards are great n'all, but they don't have brakes, and as a mother, I am strongly in favour of brakes, even though teen boys are invincible and immortal. (I was reminded of this after a discussion we had when his helmet suddenly vanished a few months ago.)

1904 Cadardi said...

All this skateboard talk almost makes me wish I had kept my aluminum decked GT racing longboard from 1979. Laterally stiff and so vertically compliant the center of the board would almost scrape the ground if you bounced hard enough.

@Animal: B. The answer is B.

1904 Cadardi said...

The internet is a magical place, e.g. a little sleuthing says I had a GrenTec Pro Slalom Team and they sell for a hundred bucks on ebay now. Mine came from a going out of business sale at a bike/skate shop for 5 bucks. The lesson here is that hoarding can pay off big.

Your Son said...

Dad - I am humiliated by the sight of you on a skateboard.

BamaPhred said...

My memories of summer.
Get out of school! Woooooooooo!
Next, trip to sawbones.
Spend next 6-8 weeks waiting for bones to set, stitches to heal, skin to grow back.
Listen to Mom's lectures about how expensive clothes were. I would heal, but shirts and pants wouldn't.
Return to school.
I was at that awkward stage, which continues to this day.

Anonymous said...

https://www.bikerumor.com/2015/04/14/cipollinis-diamond-platinum-and-gold-adorned-rb1k-luxury-edition-road-bike/

The ultimate bling bike

babble on said...

A friend sent me a link to this article today. New Westminster lowering speed limits on bikeways.

On it, I left this comment:

Sure. All city streets should have a speed limit of 30 km/hr, and the limits enforced with camera technology on every street. (In Germany they do this with cameras that capture a photo of your face and plate.) Well over one million people died from collisions with cars last year, and that is because any impact at speeds over 20km/hr causes serious injury. Furthermore, since the vast majority of head injuries admitted to hospital are motorists and those involved in motor vehicle collisions, (a sudden stop at 20 km/hr + will always cause head injury) helmet use should be mandatory for everyone riding in a motor vehicle.

babble on said...

Strangely, my comment has been awaiting moderation for many hours now...

Guess they don't think very much of it.

McFly said...

km/hr???

AMERICAN PLEASE

dancesonpedals said...

McFly-

They're hopeless. You wouldn't believe the shit they try to pass off as bacon.

JLRB said...

NICE SOKS

Rollin Rollin Rollin Kept Them Doggies Movin said...

You'll have no street cred until you face plant the asphalt and the scars heal. Get out and do it. PS Do you have Obama Care?

McFly said...

I doubt Babble accepts any meat substitutes. Only 20 centipeters of the real thing will do.

JLRB said...

Don't tell me I stayed up late studying for nothing ....

Recipes from Babble's Kitchen said...

Babble had a recipe for some kind of Hot Pot a couple of years ago that sounded good; she said you could add chicken if you wanted to, chicken isn't something in a casing, so she didn't specify any length.

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Johnathan said...

Love the hipster image! XD