Monday, May 8, 2017

Sorry I'm late, I thought it was Wednesday there for a minute.

You probably think that when you're a world-renowned bicycle blogger and author you get to spend your weekends doing all sorts of "epic" rides.

Well, for all I know that's probably true, and if I ever meet someone who fits that description I'll be sure to ask them.  My life however is far less glamorous.  See, when you're me you get to ride from the Bronx down to lower Manhattan and go to the Bike Expo, where I eschewed the "bike valet" in favor of this far more expedient lamppost:


I like to stay in touch with the common folk.

My reason for attending the Bike Expo was of course to visit the Walz booth, where they were debuting my newest capway:


The inspiration for the bold (some might even say garish) graphic is of course the local Applebee's, for no other reason than I passed it on the way to Target one evening and liked the way this photo came out:


Also, the Applebee's is just across the Harlem River from one of the most famous spots in cycling--namely the start for the BSNYC Gran Fondon't and associated rides.

Oh, if you're wondering, the answer is "Yes, there will be a Fondon't soon."  How soon?  Well as soon as I figure that out I'll let you know.

Anyway, not only will the new BSNYC speed cap make you faster (it's red, duh), but it's also great for spectating:


That's yesterday's Orchard Beach Criterium, by the way.  My crit-racing days are over (or at least cryogenically frozen like Walt Disney, Bruce Lee, and Marco Pantani*), but I did have a horse in the kid's race as you can see.

*[Just trying to start an urban myth, do your part by spreading the lie.]

As for the Bike Expo, once I'd locked my bike I found the Walz booth, took my place at the table, smiled gamely, and scribbled my signature on anything that was placed in front of me:


Unfortunately the only thing placed in front of me turned out to be an agreement to have myself cryogenically frozen after death and to leave the entirety of my estate to Human Popsicles Ltd.

Next time someone asks me to sign their chest I'll insist that they move the paper out of the way first.

(Hey, what can I say?  He seemed sincere enough.)

After I'd put my time in at the Walz table I ventured into the Bike Expo crowd:


Which seemed to be concentrated as far away from the bicycle fashion show as possible, like a subway car when there's a particularly fragrant homeless person on it:


The fashion show was presented by Momentum Mag:



But sadly giving fashion advice to the sorts of people who think it's okay to wear bicycle helmets indoors is something of a futile endeavor:


As for the exhibitors, they included the Canadian province of Québec, who attempted to lure tourists with their unique and compelling mix of beautiful terrain and Francophonic rudeness:


And of course their arch-rival in the battle for cyclotourism world domination, Taiwan:


It's a pretty close contest, but in the end Taiwan won because it's not just bike heaven, it's the bike heaven:


Can't argue with that.

Speaking of heaven, if you don't want to spoil the exquisite lines of your mid-sized sedan with a traditional bike rack you'll be pleased to know you can instead use the suction cup-based system of your dreams:


For maximum clearance and driver visibility, always mount your bicycle right in the middle of your hood::


There were also fascinating glimpses into the future, such as this Fred pedaling eternally to nowhere:


As well as this person who I assume was dispassionately charging his phone:


And of course no Bike Expo would be complete without an appearance from Minute Rice:


Who invited attendees to spin their Wheel of Constipation:


Rice: it's nearly as binding as that cryogenics contract I was tricked into signing:

Once I'd perused the interior I headed outside, where food trucks dispensed food:


Clif's DJ kept the crowd moving just like their eponymous energy bars keep them farting:


And the over 21 set mingled and enjoyed the view from the beer garden:


Glamor?  Who needs it?

50 comments:

dnk said...

Boom!

Travis Knavel said...

Pow!

Anonymous said...

podium, bitches

Anonymous said...

bash!!

Anonymous said...

Glamour for us Canadians

Spokey said...


well serendipity me. a lucky top 6

Anonymous said...

I like biking in Taiwan. It's true. I do.

Anonymous said...

Wheel of Constipation. Love it!

Joe said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Joe said...


While their slogan may need a new article, the riding in Quebec is rather nice. I highly recommend.

Freddy Murcks said...

I would just about rather die than eat a Clif Bar. The last time I tried to eat one I took a bite, promptly spit it out, and threw the rest of it as far away from me as I could get it (I stuffed the wrapper in my jersey pocket so I could find it in the dryer on laundry day). For all I know, that Cliffy is probably still sitting on that mountainside because I doubt that squirrels or even bacteria would consume that chemical flavored dog shit.

Grump said...

Snobby, from your pics, there was at least one person there wearing a helment, but my question is.....Did you see anyone clopping around in road shoes?

Old Timer said...

Huh? What?

Anonymous said...

It was nice that the Tour provided snacks. I saw enough Clifton Bars to choke a horse(which is two,BTW). It is not easy to perform the Heinrich maneuver on a choking horse (so I've heard).Some nice folks (out of towners, I'm sure) asked me how the ride was. I told them, "I won!". Really? No, not really, I came in 26,697th, so no podium, which is okay, 'cause I'm afraid of heights.Nice day,nice ride, nice city, nice folks (I think most of the Freds were in the first wave).I was the wearing the red Boston Red Sox socks. I thought for sure I would be pelted with Clif Bars but apparently they were all used to shoo away pigeons and of course, to choke horses. Sorry I missed you this year,maybe next year my aim will be better (where's the damn wink emoji? Oh fer criss...

N/A said...

The new cap in the Applebees colorway is nice, Wildcat. I appreciate that you kept the Woo-hoo-speed fireball in the mix.






Anonymous said...

Nothing about the "pickle juice"? That stuff was gnarly, tasted like dill pickle juice,and gave me a bellyache, so we went to a nearby tavern and had po boys and Schaefer.

leroy said...

All I'm saying is if your dog shaved the Circle-A anarchy symbol on the back of your head while you were sleeping, you'd wear a helmet indoors too.

Thank Lob for caps.

Bill said...

Perpetually constipated pack fodder! Yes!

Spokey said...


but I did have a horse in the kid's race as you can see.

isn't that considered cheating? do we call that horse doping? or kid doping?

Anonymous said...

The only two things I've done that I don't want my kid doing are hitchhiking and bike racing. But, sadly, I've already let her do the kids' one-lapper at the local neighborhood crit. I suppose it's only a matter of time before she's sleeping with truckers somewhere outside of Wichita.

"Please select all images with cars."

Kevin Love said...

Anyone who has actually been to Taiwan will know that "the" bike heaven is still The Netherlands.

McFly said...

There's Tridork Bret in fuckin' Nantou.

Frickus Rungus said...

Sooooo, I joined the cat 6 equivalent of the UCI last week: The national bike challenge...
You track all of your riding and "compete" with other people for total commuting and recreational miles. They rank you in your city, state and nationally so you can see exactly how much you suck.
My wife is participating too, which drove me to put in a bunch of "junk" miles this weekend in an attempt to stay ahead of her. I like the fact that it motivates me to ride more, but hate the fact that I have to track every ride with my phone and I feel like I'm competing with other people whenever I ride.
It required signing up for strava, which was something I have never had any interest in doing. Now I've got friends who are "following" my rides and giving me "kudos" for the effort. I'm not sure I can put up with that kind of scrutiny...

Billy said...

Not enough helments and high viz in that bike fashion show.

Fred Mercury said...

Loves me some Applebee's. Nothing beats getting together with a diverse group of friends, drinking Bud Light, eating nachos and listening to Don Henley!

1904 Cadardi said...

Firstly, I thought it said "Fashion show presented by Momentum Meg" and wondered who is this perky red head Meg?

Secondal: Congratulations on replacing Minute Rice with the Taiwanese Department of Bicycle Tourism as the new sponsor of Fresh not Frozen (yet) BikeSnob Inc. LLC. Company Limited.

N/A said...

Québec and Taiwan are both beautifully scenic, boast excellent gastronomic delights, but the win has to go to Taiwan for easy access to cheap and greasy tug-joints.

N/A said...

Applebee's... for when Chili's isn't giving you diarrhea quickly enough!

Anonymous said...

I don't need 1000 ways to roll up that royal blue skirt, just one.

leroy said...

My dog informs me that the original line from Talladega Nights was "Applebee's has caps."

Drock said...

Caps, horses and applefleas. Time for riding

Anonymous said...

CLIF FART

Anonymous said...

"Well, for all I know that's probably true, and if I ever meet someone who fits that description I'll be sure to ask them. "

When's the next time you'll see former fixed-gear freestyle impresario john prolly? Ask him.

Spokey said...


i was out on saturday at the one group ride i do each year (central jersey bike club - farmlands). finally saw one of those lumos helments that snobie broke the news on way back when. the youngish lass was proudly demonstrating it to anyone who would look. it did seem a tad silly.

having spent $160 for a healment that wouldn't require sticking her hand out when turning, she couldn't afford a binder clip so had no way of attaching the cue sheet for the ride. her friend did have a gps (cjbc provides downloadable routes with cues via ridewithgps) but couldn't figure out how to use it.

i told her to stop every once in a while and pull out the cue sheet to study the up coming bit and then just be on the lookout for the well painted green arrows (35 mile route).

they took off (we didn't as my captain was still fucko-ing around with the wheel magnet trying to get his computer to work). as we were leaving the first rest stop (~ 7 mi), they were coming in. guess i should have tried to help her get the gps going.

Spokey said...


oh, and no cliffy bars. they did have kashi bars. took 2. ate 1/2 of 1. i used to eat kashi cereal way back when. don't know what happened but the things were offal. the pb&j wiches were the usual top of the tasty buds.

This and That said...

Way late to the podium chase, was vertically compliant for a long time.

Now out of the shower and ready to comment.

Forget photo op's at Applebee's, you should capture the view inside of Hooter's.

Heaven is where your bicycle goes when it's stolen, because it's never seen or heard of again (Ouija Board or not).

Cipo claims his women's "team" is where heaven is.

Taiwan has super hi speed rail. Everyone uses it, so the roads are empty, so ride anywhere you want. USA & Canada, not so much, well, as in none.




Steely Danzig said...

Crushing a bottle of Hennessy on the way to Bike Expo, impressive.

Anonymous said...

I met Mike Sinyard the other day. Gave him a swift kick in the pants yabbies for you. did not even see it coming...
not really, he was wearing hot pink socks and dansko clogs, tho

leroy said...

Is it just me or did anyone else see the label on the jersey in the photo of the table where Mr. BSNYC was signing caps and misread "Velorosa" as "Via Dolorosa"?

My dog has $5 that says it was only me.

Boring german said...

THAT is a Biergarten:
http://p5.focus.de/img/fotos/origs5591380/5935492776-w630-h423-o-q75-p5/c6b6889-martinbolle.jpg

dancesonpedals said...

My pre teen children used to love Applebee's because of all the school events held there..., do once, as a treat to my younger child I took her to Applebee's on a midweek night after some mini golf. Don Henley would have rocked. Instead, it was half a dozen barflies watching the Mets. Depressing as hell

BeerDrivenCyclist said...

Sorry. Would have been here earlier, but I jammed my leg in the car door. What did I miss?

bieks said...

Quebecois tourists make American tourists seem nice. Whereas, I've never met a Taiwanese person who wasn't super nice, so I'm pretty sure it's because they kick all the nice people out of Taiwan. I'd really like to cycle Taiwan, but I'm terrified my whack job theory could pan out.

McFly said...

I purchased my first CLIF bar in 2012, I'm almost done with it.

Hoarse whisperer said...

Anon @2:11 It is not easy to perform the Heinrich maneuver on a choking horse

Not half so hard as explaining to the cops what you are doing. Funny thing is, the explanation gets no easier no matter how many times you do it

bad boy of the sooth said...

I wonder if Clif bars can plug a leak in a dam?

MattC said...

@McFly, Cliff bars got nothin' on the old Power Bars....you could use those to seal a sidewall gash in a truck tire (glue would actually stick to them)! And I'm pretty sure you could use them in road bike tires too, they'll easily hold pressure up to 140psi (cuz everybody needs 23mm tires inflated to 140). And if it's COLD out? Old hard beef-jerky got nothing on those PB's as to destroying your teeth TRYING to get a hunk torn off. Pretty sure there's no expiration date on them either...much like a Twinkie, they'll last forever even w/ no wrapper!

James said...

Did you stop at the travel booth for New South Wales? The Bicycle Hell

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