Sorry I'm late, I thought it was Wednesday there for a minute.

You probably think that when you're a world-renowned bicycle blogger and author you get to spend your weekends doing all sorts of "epic" rides.

Well, for all I know that's probably true, and if I ever meet someone who fits that description I'll be sure to ask them.  My life however is far less glamorous.  See, when you're me you get to ride from the Bronx down to lower Manhattan and go to the Bike Expo, where I eschewed the "bike valet" in favor of this far more expedient lamppost:

I like to stay in touch with the common folk.

My reason for attending the Bike Expo was of course to visit the Walz booth, where they were debuting my newest capway:

The inspiration for the bold (some might even say garish) graphic is of course the local Applebee's, for no other reason than I passed it on the way to Target one evening and liked the way this photo came out:

Also, the Applebee's is just across the Harlem River from one of the most famous spots in cycling--namely the start for the BSNYC Gran Fondon't and associated rides.

Oh, if you're wondering, the answer is "Yes, there will be a Fondon't soon."  How soon?  Well as soon as I figure that out I'll let you know.

Anyway, not only will the new BSNYC speed cap make you faster (it's red, duh), but it's also great for spectating:

That's yesterday's Orchard Beach Criterium, by the way.  My crit-racing days are over (or at least cryogenically frozen like Walt Disney, Bruce Lee, and Marco Pantani*), but I did have a horse in the kid's race as you can see.

*[Just trying to start an urban myth, do your part by spreading the lie.]

As for the Bike Expo, once I'd locked my bike I found the Walz booth, took my place at the table, smiled gamely, and scribbled my signature on anything that was placed in front of me:

Unfortunately the only thing placed in front of me turned out to be an agreement to have myself cryogenically frozen after death and to leave the entirety of my estate to Human Popsicles Ltd.

Next time someone asks me to sign their chest I'll insist that they move the paper out of the way first.

(Hey, what can I say?  He seemed sincere enough.)

After I'd put my time in at the Walz table I ventured into the Bike Expo crowd:

Which seemed to be concentrated as far away from the bicycle fashion show as possible, like a subway car when there's a particularly fragrant homeless person on it:

The fashion show was presented by Momentum Mag:

But sadly giving fashion advice to the sorts of people who think it's okay to wear bicycle helmets indoors is something of a futile endeavor:

As for the exhibitors, they included the Canadian province of Québec, who attempted to lure tourists with their unique and compelling mix of beautiful terrain and Francophonic rudeness:

And of course their arch-rival in the battle for cyclotourism world domination, Taiwan:

It's a pretty close contest, but in the end Taiwan won because it's not just bike heaven, it's the bike heaven:

Can't argue with that.

Speaking of heaven, if you don't want to spoil the exquisite lines of your mid-sized sedan with a traditional bike rack you'll be pleased to know you can instead use the suction cup-based system of your dreams:

For maximum clearance and driver visibility, always mount your bicycle right in the middle of your hood::

There were also fascinating glimpses into the future, such as this Fred pedaling eternally to nowhere:

As well as this person who I assume was dispassionately charging his phone:

And of course no Bike Expo would be complete without an appearance from Minute Rice:

Who invited attendees to spin their Wheel of Constipation:

Rice: it's nearly as binding as that cryogenics contract I was tricked into signing:

Once I'd perused the interior I headed outside, where food trucks dispensed food:

Clif's DJ kept the crowd moving just like their eponymous energy bars keep them farting:

And the over 21 set mingled and enjoyed the view from the beer garden:

Glamor?  Who needs it?