Thursday, April 6, 2017

You Can't Spell "Propaganda" Without "Pagan" or "Panda." Think About It.

Further to yesterday's very brief post, here's what happened to Steve Tilford:


According to an entry on Tilford’s blog, posted by his friend Vincent Davis, Tilford was eastbound on I-70, heading back to Davis’ home in Denver, when the van he was driving plowed into and through a semi-trailer that had overturned and was blocking the highway. Davis, who was a passenger in the van, reported the two were injured but OK after the accident. According to a report in the Salt Lake Tribune, a second semi-trailer crashed into the wreckage as Tilford stood outside his van, killing him shortly after midnight Wednesday morning. The driver of the second semi-trailer, Stanley Williams of Grand Junction, also died of his injuries.

Holy shit.

And when a cyclist is killed, people react the only way they know how, which is of course by telling everyone to wear helmets:

And again:


Presumably they just ejaculated these stupid comments before taking the time to actually find out what happened, though I suppose it's also possible that they're advocates for driving helmets:


Either way, responding to tragedy with "Wear a helmet" is one of the few things you can say that's even dumber than "thoughts and prayers."  It's a damn good thing the obituaries don't allow reader comments, because you can only imagine what a shitshow that would become:


At this point you've got to acknowledge that our society is sick from helmets, the EPS foam having apparently leached some toxic chemical into our brains.  Indeed, our only hope is to launch an anti-helmet propaganda campaign, and I'm going to start by blaming helmets for injuries, whether warranted or unwarranted.  Consider Taylor Phinney, who won't start Paris-Roubaix due to a concussion he sustained in the Tour of Flanders, and who credits his helmet for saving him:
Sure, that's one way to look at it, but another way is that he hit his head because he was wearing a helmet and that it's in fact responsible for the concussion:


Hey, your body does a lot of physics as you fall, and adding a big block of foam throws all those calculations off.  I mean really, look at how much extra head they've got with those things on, especially in the back where his cracked:


Sadly I can't watch the actual video of the crash here in Canada's dirty chamois, but if anyone wants to do a JFK-esqu analysis please feel free.

And if any eccentric billionaires out there want to fund my global "Bicycle Helmets Kill" campaign please contact me through my attorney:


(My attorney with retired cyclist Mario Cipollini)


Speaking of safety gear and pro cyclists, they may be rolling with disc rotor covers soon:



The CPA opposed disc brakes on safety grounds, both because of potential cutting power and the creation of a peloton with mixed stopping power. Disc brakes have become a major point of contention between the various stakeholders, with some riders expressing concern about the danger they pose in the peloton. Injuries that have been attributed to disc rotors by some have heightened the tension.

The CPA conducted a survey on the topic in November of 2016 that showed that 42 per cent of riders would only welcome disc brakes if certain conditions were met, among them, the use of protective covers.

Please, please, PLEASE let the pros start riding with these big ugly plastic rotor covers on their bikes:


The only thing that would make me happier is if the UCI made pie plates and reflectors mandatory as well.

Here's to knee pads and elbow pads by 2030.  [Takes sip of alcoholic beverage.]  They're going to need them when stuff keeps getting caught in those giant rotor covers.

Moving on to less prosaic matters, here's a racket for ya:



The dream deliverer's workday begins somewhere between 2 and 3 AM. He rises, gets dressed in bike gear (including a headlamp for the darkness), and begins traveling to his subscribers' homes to make a delivery before dawn. The dream they will receive, printed on a card left at their step, has been custom-written for them by the deliverer the day before, lacing the waking landscape with something inexplicable and uncanny. After 25 to 40 miles of travel, the deliverer returns to his workshop and begins work on the next day's batch. On Sundays, every subscriber has the same dream.

Okay, two questions:

Firstly, #whatmeteryourunning?

Not to be a Verse Fred or anything, but is he running free verse for the weight savings?  Or is he a retrogrouch and using iambic pentameter, which is of course the lugged steel frame of poetry?

Secondly, how much does he charge?

Current subscriptions are available at $60 for a month by mail inside the states and $85 internationally; meanwhile, his "nightmare" package costs $3.75 more, because "whereas writing dreams is very open and improvisatory and expansive, writing nightmares for me is very closed and narrow. I usually dread writing the nightmares every day." In June, he'll return to his hometown of Denver, where local delivery by bike for the month runs $45. 

Wow.

"I often feel like a douche writing these mostly whimsical pieces every day," he says of his pursuit, amid the national climate, "but I try to remind myself that the spirit of the project is to create this intimate relationship with the subscribers and that these forms of intimacy exist parallel to the horrors of the political scumocracy."

Huh.  I also feel like a douche writing these whimsical pieces every day, so I suppose we have that in common.

Though he is a bit more whimsical than me:

"I can write something like, 'Then your mother walks in holding a rusted rake,' and I can trust that regardless of what kind of relationship the subscriber has with their mother they have or had a mother," he says. "And then the subscriber hopefully imbues the moment with some kind of intimate interpretation. I guess that's a basic trick of most writing, to leave enough space for the reader to make the thing feel important."

"Your mother walks in holding a rusted rake" sounds like a great joke setup.  Presumably the punchline would be "Well, I couldn't find any trombones."  Alas, I don't know how he'd get there, and I'm not spending the $45 to find out.

In the meantime, I'm going to start a poetry-by-bike service myself, but I'm only going to work in limerick, which is the fixed-gear of poetry:

There once was a Fred from Uranus
Who used chamois cream on his scranus
Reached for Assos from bed
But grabbed embro instead
And the pain that he felt was quite heinous

That one's for free, because it sucked.

77 comments:

Anonymous said...

Je suis le premier

N/A said...

A helmet killed my pa!

Chazu said...

Tres moi

N/A said...

I'm just kidding, my dad is still alive. I think a helmet mussed his hair one time, though. And he was mighty peeved about it, lemme' tell you!

Anonymous said...

Yeah baby #2

Freddy Murcks said...

I was going to respond to today's post and the avalanche of shitty news by beating my head against the sharp edge of my brrreak rotors until I was good and bloody, but I am going to beat TedK's head in a similar manner instead. That's should make me feel better.

N/A said...

Roses are red
Violets are a purplish blue,
Bike poetry is stupid,
and so is that kid that writes it.

McFly said...

What's this about extra head?

janinedm said...

I've always preferred dactylic hexameter, the penny-farthing of meters.

Hair Furor said...

The article mentions that the Bike Poet sometime dons a headlamp, but doesn't specifically mention a helment... Have the authorities been notified?

That Moter Head You Know In High School said...

"...the creation of a peloton with mixed stopping power. "

Disk brakes do not stop bikes any faster than rim brakes.

The traction/friction between the tire and the ground stops bikes (and all other wheeled-braked vehicles.)

Rim brakes are able to skid the rear wheel (stop it from spinning) and that is the limit of rear wheel braking available. Rim brakes are able to lift the rear wheel off the ground, and that is the limit of front wheel braking.

No amount of supposed extra "power" from disk brake is going to make the bike stop shorter than rim brakes.

Spokey said...

wow

been a while since I managed top 12. guess i'll go read

James said...

IT security bastards at work blocked this blog as "adult content". If they actually read it, they would know better.

ArtW said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ArtW said...

At least I got to watch the commercial... We all know this is adult content.. Smarmy papp.......

Spokey said...


you also can't spiel "propaganda without" a porn dog

Mike in Dallas said...

I just watched the second Dave Chappelle Netflix special and he mentioned he has punch lines that have 45 different jokes to go along with them.

"Well, I couldn't find any trombones." must have like 4,500 different jokes to go with that punchline.

Gold snobby. GOLD I SAY!

Bikeboy said...

HELMETS: The debate has raged in the MOTORCYCLE community, since before there were bicycle helmets. The ANTI- people claim helmets are dangerous because you can hook the strap on something and hang yourself. (Yeah, it may have happened.) Or because they block your hearing. (Bogus. When you're going 30mph or more, you can't hear anything anyway.)

GEAR FOR THE PROS: If I were in charge, I've always thought bicycle racing would be MUCH more exciting if all the riders had playing cards rattling against the spokes! The peloton would sound like a huge biker gang!

BikeSnobNYC said...

Bikeboy,

Motorcycle helmets are more effective than bike helmets by design. However a helmet that was actuall effective would be too unwieldy for bicycling.

--Wildcat Etc.

GreySpoke said...

My new goal is to work "I couldn't find any trombones" into a conversation.

bieks said...

Snob, just saw a recall on Marin Pine Mountain forks, so either wear a helment or check out your fork. Warning: first option won't protect your collarbone.

I am curious, in yellow. said...

Relax, have a brew,

https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/first-vaginal-beer-bottled-instinct-brewery#/

Can anyone recommend a good beer helmet?

N/A said...

Also, "grandpa" and "gonad" and "dragon" and "prong" are all needed to make "propaganda".

Bryan said...

I don't get the dream guy. Literally none of that makes any damn sense. Can those people wasting $45 on that just send it to me instead? I promise not to bore them with poetry. I will try to get out and ride more, though.

Cat 404 e-Racer said...

Disc brakes, rim brakes - all that controversy will go away when the pros start using regenerative braking on their hidden electric motors.

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said...

I'd never believe Cipollini would be into holding a cock or two unless I saw it in a picture. Well...


... and not that there's anything wrong with that ...


vsk

Joe said...

Please make bike poetry a regular part of this blog going forward.

Comment of the Day said...

Cat 404 e-Racer at 2:23 PM

Anonymous said...

Propaganda

Papa do gnar.

http://www.ssynth.co.uk/~gay/anagott.html

Grump said...

I'm all for putting "dick" brakes on track bikes (and NASCAR approved helmets for when you drive your car)


Anonymous said...

> No amount of supposed extra "power" from disk brake is going to make the bike stop shorter than rim brakes.

Thanks. The corollary to that is... if your bike+self+bags is heavier, and your tires are thicker, then you very could benefit from extra stopping "power." I ride an e-bike with mountain bike-type tires, and tend to load it up with a lot of stuff I need to haul around.

Anonymous said...

The average Joe understands bikes through analogies with automobiles. Everyone understands that seat belts save lives. Some crazy kid hit a phone pole and died; "no seatbelt." And the bike analogy to the seatbelt is... the HELMET!

Bashō said...

"Please make bike poetry a regular part of this blog going forward"

A few years ago
Here in the comment section
Haikus reigned supreme

Anonymous said...

Marin Pine Mountain fork recall!
http://healthycanadians.gc.ca/recall-alert-rappel-avis/hc-sc/2017/62822r-eng.php

Bashō said...

Poems about bikes?
About like riding haikus
You never forget

Anonymous said...

"Sadly I can't watch the actual video of the crash here in Canada's dirty chamois"

Sure you can, Snobbie - Opera browser with VPN turned on, Euro country selected

McFly said...

Does POC stand for Piece Of Crap? Because I have a maroonish/red one.

I have yet to use it on the ground. I DO like the big holes for ample scratching access.

That high School Motor Head Again said...

"The corollary to that is... if your bike+self+bags is heavier, and your tires are thicker, then you very could benefit from extra stopping "power.""

That's why bikes designed for loaded touring went to cantilever brakes back in the 80's. By shorting the yoke wire you can increase the mechanical advantage to greater then the 4:1 caliper brakes have.

Frickus Rungus said...

The other day, while out driving the car that I own, which my mechanic relies on for regular boat payments, I saw a person in the bike lane that was riding a self-balancing electric unicycle while wearing a full face mountain bike helment.
I have to assume that the choice of wearing a full face helment was more about shame than saftey...

The Candid Cyclist said...

Nothing rhymes with helmet.

Anonymous said...

No it doesn't.

Plutarco said...

whatchamacallit

Anonymous said...

Dude, that poem was stinking funny. Left me in tears. Good on ya!

The Candid Cyclist said...

This post just might make a podium
Taken with a big grain of sodium.
But the comments are loose.
Like shit from a goose.
So please don’t forget the Imodium

N/A said...

As a master wordsmith of some notoriety, let me give you a little bit of a tip on hard-to-rhyme words: remove the first letter of the word you want to rhyme with and add "schm-" to the beginning of the word. For example, "Helmet" rhymes with "Schmelmet". I believe Walt Whitman pioneered this technique, though that Fuck-O Alfred Lord Tennyson tried to take credit for it.

N/A said...

Word on the streets is that Non-Plussed Bibshorts Guy is an excellent poet, due to his extensive history as a battle rapper.

Cat 404 e-Racer said...

Frickus Ringus....

Darth Vader wore a full face helmet, and rides a unicycle, and plays flamin' bagpipes.

I'm not seeing any shame here:

https://tinyurl.com/myz2m86

eric? said...

No coverage of the BIKETOWN vandalism? I demand jokes about Portland

Frickus Rungus said...

And another thing!

Today, on my way to lunch, there was a Canadian goose sitting in a water-filled pothole on the street. The street didn't have a dedicated bike lane, but the goose was right where I would normally ride. Does this provide support for the argument that only immigrants (and migratory birds) use bike lanes?

Frickus Rungus said...

Cat 404 e-Racer,

Darth rides a unicycle while wearing a mask. I rest my case!

PS - I own and can ride a conventional, non-electric unicycle and have never felt the need to hide my identity.

BikeSnobNYC said...

eric?

I covered that on the Bike Forecast, which is a better venue for Bike Share Fred subject matter.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Anonymous said...

At least she aint no dirty hoe

dop said...

That limerick didn't suck......it restates the negativeness of the universe...the hideous lonely emptiness of our existence...nothingness...the predicament of man forced to live in a barren godless eternity...like a tiny flame flickering in an immense void with nothing but waste horror and degradation...

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

I would like a hand crafted Haiku delivered by Keirin bike with full NJS componentry. A bike or motorcycle helmet, if it works properly, is an option for your spouse or family to keep you around with a functional brain in an otherwise non functional body.

Old Timer said...

Huh? What?

Bryan Bracy said...

USPS,
Please deliver one of the two Crabon Fibber forks and stop delaying, so I can N+1. Glad I got that out there. I know this isn't the USPS website, but I just wanted someone to see my complaint.

NationalStatistAgent said...


Holy Looney Tunes

It is already two hours and no Trump Derangement Syndrome histrionics.

Kurt Mudgeon said...

"Hey, your body does a lot of physics as you fall, and adding a big block of foam throws all those calculations off. I mean really, look at how much extra head they've got with those things on, especially in the back where his cracked".

I'm no physicist or iridologist, but this comment is so stooped it broke my Trumpometer.

Haiku Guy said...

There once was a blogger called Snobby
His blogging was more than a hobby
One day on the bog
He was typing his blog
And out popped a turd that was knobby

Sorry about this, it couldn't be helped

Sedentary Slob said...

http://stevetilford.com/2017/01/03/okay-about-wearing-a-helmet/

I really didn't appreciate how fucked in the head the rabid helmet wearing zealots are until I read the comments.

"Oh, ya, the Dutch photo …. I see dumb people "

FFS - 10000s of people riding bicycles to work everyday without fucking helmets on are dumb people? No the dumb people are the fucking zealots who think $319 helmet fines are a great leap forward without realising what a great leap forward actually is.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Kurt Mudgeon,

Spend an evening wearing your helmet at home and see how many times you hit your head.

--Wildcat Etc.

Frictional Character said...

Disk brake, plastic rotor condoms for protection.

Spokey said...


maybe i'm too old to give a crap

but helment schelment. i wear one all the time. but i don't care whether anyone else does or not.

dik breaks. don't care. i chose cantis for my new bike but it kind of a flip of the coin. they all seem to work. i don't like the idea of hydraulics but that's only because i fear they won't work well if i'm too lazy to maintain them.

Cinimod said...

I watched the European video. My conclusion is that looking over your shoulder for a prolonged period of time while overlapping wheels with the person in front might result in concussion.

Anonymous said...

http://www.bicycleretailer.com/recalls/2017/04/06/marin-recalling-about-470-mountain-bikes-over-rigid-fork-concerns#.WOecEme1vcs

Isn't this the bike you almost got for free but ended up paying for anyway?

Pist Off said...

Three bent forks doesn't seem like a big deal to me without more data. There's no info about the problem or even if it's a common failure mode across the complaints. I have bent a couple of metal forks in bad crashes and that's a fine thing compared to a fork breaking. Crabon feebray and old aluminum, I'm talking about you.

Die free said...

I just spent a day in a Euro City.

This is what I saw...
1) most all didn't wear helmets
2) people in suits ride bikes
3) cars stop for bikes and people
4) bikes stop for people
5) no one's getting killed
6) no one's angry

How can they live like this?

Oil soaked duck said...

Hello from Canada, where our flimsy plastic pool is filled to the brim with oil that no one wants to buy at low prices. Anyone for a swim? Our luxury SUVs, big homes, and pickup trucks make us feel better, as we wait for pipes to help us drain it to the US while we collect employment insurance in the meantime. Whatpressureyourunnin in that inflatable pool? Whether we're pumping oil, or pumping up the inflatable pool, it's going to be a fucking mess.

Anonymous said...

Bike Snob, you cannot be serious. If you are not wearing a helmet and you crash, it is possible that your head will continue its progress until it hits the ground. Having a helmet on can decelerate the impact. I have seen a lot of bike crashes firsthand and nobody involved wished they were not wearing a helmet.

goose said...

I'm a "Canada Goose", not a "Canadian Goose".

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Canada_goose. You get the link in text because I'm a goose I don't know shit about html.

Frickus Rungus said...

Goose,
I bet you're delicious seared with some poached pears regardless of what you call yourself...

Anonymous said...

... except in wet conditions, where disk brakes maintain their consistency. Sorry for interrupting the disc brake hate and for not calling them dick brakes.

Anonymous said...

It's "dick breaks"

get it right.

Anonymous said...

The idea that wearing a helmet causes crashes is incredibly idiotic.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 2:34pm,

If you refuse to acknowledge that it's possible to hit your head in a crash because it's in a big foam case that's fine. I realize helmets are magical and somehow defy space and time. Whatever works for you.

--Wildcat Etc.

Anonymous said...

"The idea that wearing a helmet causes crashes is incredibly idiotic."

Not really. Studies on whether using safety equipment increases risky behavior, including helmets, aren't unknown and often it's found that risk taking is increased when safety (or perceived) safety equipment is used. But that didn't seem to be the authors point anyway.

Related: one review of ED records in the Netherlands found increased head injury correlated to helmet use. The catch there is that so few people are wearing helmets that the people who do choose to wear one, according to the study, were engaged in high performance cycling, ie. mtb and racing, and were more likely to crash and crash at high speed.

I think it's pretty well established that motorcycle helmets result in increased neck injuries, particularly among female riders, but on the balance are more protective than risky. Last time I looked at the literature for bike helmets, the same link had not been established.

For me, the "helmets cause injuries" argument isn't the best foundation for helmet skepticism (the relative risk compared to head injury in cars or as a pedestrian is). But it does seem fair satire to helmet hysteria. And, I agree with BSNYC, add several inches of diameter to your head and you're going to bump your head more often. Seriously, try the experiment at home or ask somebody who caves, climbs or works construction. I do wonder how many "the helmet saved my life" cracked helmet stories wouldn't exist if helmets, somehow, added no extra width.

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