Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Hold your head high!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Just remember not to be taken in by cute depictions of tandem bicycles:

Seems lovely, right?


While ostensibly a symbol of love and togetherness, the tandem is nothing but a sordid ruse, and an invitation to pilot one is merely a pretense for turning you into the object of salacious leering:

Never trust a stoker.

Speaking of ruses, the pro Freds want the UCI to ban disc brakes again:

Here's why they say they don't want them:

Cyclingnews has seen a copy of a letter sent by the riders' association to the governing body on Sunday in which it formally sets out its opposition to the reintroduction of disc brakes this season. Chief among its concerns is the danger posed by having different braking systems – and therefore different braking times – in the same peloton.

The letter, signed by CPA president Gianni Bugno and addressed to Mark Barfield, head of the UC's technical commission, with UCI president Brian Cookson copied in, criticises the UCI for failing to take into account the safety concerns expressed by a majority of professional riders.

Hmmm, I don't remember ever hearing this argument in the context of single-vs.-dual pivot calipers, or carbon vs. aluminum braking surfaces, or anything else that makes a difference in braking time.  Yeah, I think we all know the real reason they don't want them, which is that no team wants to spend a bunch of money outfitting a whole new fleet of bicycles with hidden motors.

Come on, these people will ride anything you put under them.  There's a team riding around with chain oilers attached to their bikes for chrissakes!

Yet here's a braking system that might actually help them descend Grand Tour mountain passes on crabon rims in the rain and they're not only resistant to it but insisting it be banned outright?

As Shakespeare famously wrote, "The Freddies doth protest too much, methinks."

Meanwhile, the amateur Freds, the vast majority of whom have absolutely nothing to gain from these things, can't upgrade soon enough.

Go figure.

Of course, the Golden Age of EPO set loves the whole mötödöping thing because it gives them something to feel smug about:

See, it's funny because they only regular-doped.

Frankly I don't buy the argument that an artificial tailwind provided by a motor that's either on or off is any worse than transfusing your blood or permanently altering your physiology through use of banned substances.  In fact I think it's even more ethically defensible, not to mention quite a bit safer.  Imagine your kid became a pro cyclist.  (Lob forbid!)  Would you rather them ride a bike with a motor or let some Belgian soigneur who never finished high school fill them with blood in the bathroom of a team bus?  I know which one I'd choose: vroom, vroom!  Pro cycling needle doping is barely a notch above letting someone shoot heroin between your toes under a highway overpass.

But hey, whatever makes these feel better about their careers.

In other news, meet the Lancelock, which is a new titanium bike lock on Kickstarter and not what Floyd Landis has Lance Armstrong in now:

It's a classic American tale: guy has 12 - yes, 12 - bikes stolen, gets mad as heck, and becomes obsessed with solving the problem and ending the decades-long, worldwide bicycle theft epidemic once and for all.

Yeah, I'm not sure I'd buy a bicycle security product from someone who's lost twelve (12) bicycles.

I mean sure, maybe this thing really does work, but you'd never know it from the video.  I was waiting for them to break out the heavy equipment, but all they proved was that it can resist gentle tapping with a hammer:

And that, like a calloused nipple, it's also resolute in the face of gentle twisting:

As for power tools, they don't even entertain that as a possibility:

Oh, sure.  Sometimes, but not always:

Meanwhile, remember the fixie periscope?

Well it's been reinvented for the older set by a couple of guys in Florida:

Okay, so apparently the cycling equivalent of the elderly driver who can't see over the dashboard of a Buick is an aging Fred who can't look up from his aerobars.  And of course the solution to this problem is this:

Instead of, you know, sitting up:

So what's the opposite of "Eureka" anyway?  Well as far as I know there's not a single word, but this phrase comes pretty darn close:

"So then we came up with this device to allow us to see what's in front of us while we don't necessarily have our head up."

Holy crap that looks dangerous.

Also, the inventors' total obliviousness to the world around them is clearly not limited to when they're riding with aerobars:

"It's very hard to find any accessory for a bicycle that makes you safer, faster, and more comfortable."

No it isn't.

In fact there's a bike designed to do just that, and it's called a Rivendell:

At a certain point you're a lot faster on a comfortable bike than you are bent over a plastic Fred bike like you're getting a prostate exam:

Who wants to ride around viewing the world through a series of strategically-placed mirrors anyway?  You might as well just ride with an endoscope up your ass.

Speaking of looking at everything from an oblique angle, this hurt my brain:

It's mostly sensory to me, trying to be with a bike enough to review it, which to me means to understand it: What it is built to achieve, what it shares with others with the same ambition and all other bicycles in general, how it might in some way differ from all the others (alike and not), how well and how much and in what ways it fulfills or sometimes exceeds its ambitions, who it is made for me and who not, and who might like it whether made for them or not. Who needs this bike? Who imagines they do with enough ardor that it might as well be true need? Why did the bicycle and I do that through that corner, or go fast there, and how much was bike and how much was me and how much was that (silly to say but real so here it is) mystical mixing of the two of us? . Secondly, it is holistic. Nothing happens because the chainstays are longer or the bottom bracket is stouter or this is that-er, but those are an ineluctable part of why the whole bike does this or that or feels yes or no. Changing any element changes things but that means all things, the entire bike, the whole ride and, because you are as necessary to the ride as the bike is, changes you while you are with that bike. Express the ride (the bike) without trying to diagnose it. . And godammit, have some fun while you're doing it or what's the point? . . . #edchoice17 #bicyclingmag #biketesting #bikereviewing #healdsburg #bicycles #bicyclette #bicycling #bike #bikelife #bikes #cycling #cyclinglife #cyclist #mybikelife #ridelife #thebikelife
A post shared by Bill Strickland (@truebs) on

I never thought I'd say this, but I think I prefer that ridiculous VeloNews numbering system.


Unknown said...

212. Would society EVENTUALLY develop again toward an industrial-technological form? Maybe, but there is no use in worrying about it, since we can’t predict or control events 500 or 1,000 years in the future. Those problems must be dealt with by the people who will live at that time.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...


cdinvb said...


Anonymous said...

Never buy a tandem thinking it will get your girlfriend into biking, $1,800 bucks down the drain and I learned my lesson. Finally donated the thing to charity (the bike, that is).

JLRB said...

Top ten

Rapha Kramden said...

Well at least Ted K got that dog dick out of his ass (without the help of mirrors - after all, he's an expert at somethings besides bomb making, terrorism, and writing shitty, unintelligible, and intellectually inconsistent manifestos) in time to take the top spot on today's podium. He hasn't managed to eat his way through that bag of dicks yet, however.

CommieCanuck said...

Huge fan of aerobars.

I thought dick breaks were dangerous because they will julienne your nads in a crash.


Unknown said...

10 Tennis.

cyclejerk said...

Tandemonium!! Fuck you, Ted!

Hannibal Lecter said...

I love julienned nads. They are delicious with fava beans and a nice chinati. A side of sauteed spinach topped with a drizzle of toasted walnut oil is also quite nice.

N/A said...

Of all the types of leering that I do, I mostly prefer salacious leering.

Anonymous said...

Thanks again for the brilliant insight Ted K!

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

14rd! Scranus!

Cleo said...

As a long-time reader of semi-professional bike blogging, I am tremendously thankful that you have never blogged anything even remotely like this:

truebs@therichardsachs I wrote a thing once where I let my bikes review me. They had a lot to say.
truebs@therichardsachs (wonder how your bikes might build you)

There are levels of fredlyness and this takes it to 11. He cannot possibly be so insufferable, can he?

I need to go for a ride...

Anonymous said...

Me no comprendo the longo posto on Instagrammo.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

"So then we came up with this device to allow us to see what's in front of us while we necessarily have our heads up our asses."

Fixed it for you!

truebs = true bull shit? At least that would be true!

jno62 said...

A friend of mine calls tandems "relationship accelerator"

No matter what direction your relationship is going, it will get there faster with a tandem.

Old Timer said...

Huh? What?

leroy said...

Dear Mr. BSNYC --

A short amendment to your observation:

"Never trust a stoker wearing an aero helmet backwards."

Don't ask me how I know.

But I did get a lovely Valentine's Day card.

Freddy Murcks said...

I think Bill Strickland has been spending way too much time scratching his butthole and then sniffing his fingers. TrueBS indeed.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Hey Commie Cannuck re your comment yesterday comparing and contrasting cycling and yoga, here's another point -

The self-absorbed, middle aged Fred in lycra on his 18 lb crabon fiber biek with dick breaks will either be run over or cursed at by a 110 lb self absorbed driver of a 6,000 lb SUV with a Na-Ma-Ste bumper sticker who passes the Fred on their way to Whole Foods to buy 3 oz of nutmeg.

Anonymous said...

Re the Floyd Landis Lancelock -

Here is my free idea for any of the commentariat to use. File a Federal False Claims Act against the Trump Post Office Hotel in DC on behalf of the GSA who is not enforcing the terms of its lease of said hotel. Once the GSA takes up the suit, which it will have to do, you will get 30% of the value of the new lease the GSA enters into.

Unknown said...

vsk said ...

Tandem - - - the divorce bike ...

Happy Valentine's Day !


BeerDrivenCyclist said...


CommieCanuck said...

The self-absorbed, middle aged Fred in lycra on his 18 lb crabon fiber biek with dick breaks will either be run over or cursed at by a 110 lb self absorbed driver of a 6,000 lb SUV with a Na-Ma-Ste bumper sticker who passes the Fred on their way to Whole Foods to buy 3 oz of nutmeg.

Totally wrong: organic free-trade nutmeg. Fake news.

CommieCanuck said...

Anything is better salaciously, no one leers religiously.

synonyms:lustful, lecherous, licentious, lascivious, libidinous, prurient, lewd


1904 Cadardi said...

Strickland's bike review is pretty good but it needs more quantum in the word salad.

Anonymous said...

I have hydraulic disc brakes on my highly-illegal Fred-infuriating electric bike. Will the sight of my brakes help keep Freds away from me? Will they think twice before "drafting" (no I mean tailgating) me, if they think our braking systems might not match when I try to get them off my ass? Will the be afraid of getting cut by my rotors? All sounds good to me...

JLRB said...

All tandems should come with a hacksaw

Anonymous said...

I quit reading bike reviews long ago; they all sound basically the same because bikes are basically the same unless you're comparing a Huffy with Treks latest Fred Sled, and guess what? Dollar for dollar the Huffy is the better deal. Apparently Strickland believes himself to be some kind of writer. He should hook up with Adam Gopnik of the New Yorker; they'd have the beginnings of a literary circle jerk of self-absorbed scribblers.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...if I was high on crunk I would totally understand that 'uge run-on sentence with dozen of (hypothetical?) questions.

...i would extract meaning from it like i would extract smoke from my roach

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...Commie, you can do some amazing salacious leering with the Velo View. Just get two, strap to the top of your shoes, walk on a crowded city sidewalk with your head hung low as if you're in the aero position... and enjoy.

...come to think of it, there's a guy who hangs around my office block all the time who's head is hung near his midsection. I bet he could benefit from this thing... no salacious leering necessary.

Steely Danzig said...

They should have had a diminutive Frenchman try to break the Lancelock.
Heck of a post today. Rivendell comes with two (2) disembodied hands. Tri-dork periscopes. Kinda missing Cipo, haven't heard from him lately.

Anonymous said...

Timely post, I had a near-miss (near-hit?) this morning with a triathlete who drifted to my side of the bike path while looking down on her aerobars. The group she was with kept yelling "Heads up! Heads up!". She finally looked up and adjusted her direction just in the nick-o-time, which was good news for her as I had resolved that I would "Stand yer ground!"

Grump said...

Snobby, speaking of endoscopes made me think that in the near future, body core temperature will be one of the critical values that will need to be "probed".

Fred Mercury said...

Tandem = divorce horse. I knew a Fred who bought his wife an e-bike so she could motorpace him. Then he would yell at her if she messed anything up.

BikeSnobNYC said...


Oh, Allen Lim was all over that during the Armstrong comeback, had them swallowing thermometers and everything.

--Wildcat Etc.

Dooth said...

"who it is made for me and who not"...blah, blah, blah would make more sense.

Bogusboy said...


The Drip said...

Happy VD

Anonymous said...

Meet the half-bike; then shoot me.

Quick. Catch me, I'm Jizzing said...

Dear Lobster, I totally forgot today is Val's Day and ate an entire bunch of asparagus last night. Oh well, you have to do what you have to do.

Anonymous said...

I so love that Lance is being sued the fuck out of, for the same reason I'll always love doping in cycling....


Anonymous said...

Smart phones have turned physical life into a video game of sorts.

Nothing is real, especially when you have a President made of Cheetos.

Anonymous said...

How did Cippo dope for so many years and get away with it? Simple; He distracted us with his kits and antics.

He really was the best player cycling has ever seen.

Unknown said...

So that's what happens when bike mag writers by-pass the editor... What drivel...

JLRB said...

Just re-looked at the Lance-Lock - the way they lock the bike = say good bye to your front wheel....

JLRB said...

And I have come to realize that I have a bunch of old shitty songs stuck somewhere in the depths of my brain that get morphed with bicycling experiences - today's was "snot rockets in flight" to the tune of Afternoon Delight

Open Wide, Say Ahh said...

"Pro cycling needle doping is barely a notch above letting someone shoot heroin between your toes under a highway overpass."

Probably "dead" equal. Bus bathroom or highway overpass, sounds about the same level medical knowledge would be involved. 20 million Americans will soon be heading to underpasses to meet a "doctor" for health care as soon as Donald & crew get done.

Unknown said...

vsk said ...

If people like seeing a doctor, they can keep seeing a doctor.


Half Empty said...

But vill zee doctor see the people?

babble on said...

What the ACTUALfuck????
Looking down at your aerobars is so very NOT more aearodynamic than looking at the road in front of you. The spermazotoal foam hat is the big clue. See how it sticks up like a shark's fin when you're looking down, vs actually reducing wind resistance when you're looking at the road ahead?? I can be dumb as a sack of nails on an average day and even I can figure that one out. All you have to do is try both positions for a moment or six and the truth is blindingly obvious.

babble on said...

er, and that's aerodynamic. :)

What is real? said...

President Trump said Wednesday Lance was treated "unfairly" by the "fake media."

He blamed Democrats and leaks by the Russian hookers.

Anonymous said...

So, Bill Strickland is Ted K.?

Anonymous said...

Bitch, bitch, bitch... what a bunch of whingely wussies! Ever consider you just needed to have one more cup of Puncheur? Then throw on your new BS approved kit before stripping the parts off that old Richard Sachs to bolt on to your new HIA Velo Allied with your limited edition Silca HX-One hex tools?

No. Instead you just ridicule the man while playing with your Eddy Murks Alpha-coasters.

Sad, so bigly sad!

LG said...

@Babble, Good point well made, however the problem is not an unwillingness to look up, rather an inability due to Fredtards lacking the basic flexibility to do so.

LG said...

Sweet Lob above, that review is mesmerizing. The most complete piece of narcissistic, overwrought emotional incoherence I have seen in at least 48 hours.

KellyAnn Cumstain said...

We read it. Joke's on us.

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I love it. Great post. I never thought about Temptu, but now I'm starting, that maybe it's a good Idea ? Very good photos, and nice make-up ! :)
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