With the latest acquisition of the US-based test lab Friction Facts, our team has been busy the last months working to release an improved formula of the fastest racing chains in the world - the CeramicSpeed UFO Racing Chains.
The new formula provides 15% less friction than the previous version and the lifetime of the optimisation is now prolonged to a minimum of 600 km/370 miles.
By the way, Friction Facts is a subsidiary of Fake News LLC.
From pro cycling to claims of increased performance due to enhanced bottom bracket stiffness, the bike industry invented fake news and don't you forget it:
It's hard to decide which category is funniest, but I think I've got to go with "pedaling response," because what does that even mean? Isn't that a function of hub engagement? And how do you score that on a scale? Either the hub engages or it doesn't and you destroy your crotch on your top tube. I mean sure, some hubs engage more quickly than others (or at least sound like they do, which is what most Freds base their assessments on), but come on.
I do admit however that the entire scoring system is nothing short of genius. Here's how it works:
1) Pick a vague, subjective ride characteristic;
1) Pick an arbitrary number (oh, I dunno, 15 maybe?) and make it the best;
2) Make sure you use decimal points when scoring the bike so the arbitrary scoring system seems incredibly precise.
And that's how you do pseudoscience.
In other bike tech news, here's yet another complete waste of money, time, and electronics courtesy of Kickstarter:
If you've ever used a bicycle bell, you know they're tiny unobtrusive mechanical devices that last roughly forever. Fortunately, somebody's finally corrected this problem by making one that rings through your phone:
"When you are out riding, all you do is press the Bellio button, and a loud bell sound will come from your phone."
Jesus fucking Christ. When I'm out riding, all I do is ring my bell, and a loud sound comes from my bell. SO WHY CAN'T IT JUST COME FROM THE BELL???
I don't know, but the guy who invented it sure looks smug about his invention, even by Australian standards:
But don't worry, because here's the good news:
"And the good news is, is that the phone can be kept safely stored in your pocket where it already lives."
Yes, if your goal is to project sound to people in your path, I can think of no better place for the source of that sound than buried deep in the pockets of your sweaty club cut cycling jersey just a few inches north of your ass crack.
Just think, until now we've been placing our primitive analog mechanical bells on our handlebars. What were we thinking?
I was also shocked to see that a bike video from Australia featured illicit footage of flagrant helmetlessness:
It was my understanding that this sort of thing was strictly forbidden by the Advertising Standards Bureau, so I've gone ahead and corrected it for them:
We can all rest easier now. After all, had someone seen the original footage they might have been tempted to imitate it and learn the truth the Australian government doesn't want you to know, which is that it's possible to ride a bicycle without wearing a helmet and not die.
Still, there are some undeniable advantages to an electronic smartphone bell that rings from your tramp stamp area. For example, it can bewilder people by making sounds that have nothing to do with bicycles:
"The Bellio bell sound is just like a traditional bell, but to give you some flexibility we have added some stretch goals to our campaign to make the bell sound configurable."
Such sounds include car horn:
Because when pedestrians in urban areas hear rooster sounds the first thing that comes to mind is an approaching cyclist.
Really, if you want to take advantage of an electronic bell's potential to clear a path for you, why not have it make the sound of a gigantic wet fart?
This would also be highly effective in preventing bear attacks:
"With this feature enabled, the Bellio app will make your phone emit a continuous ringing bell, which is great for warning wildlife that you are approaching."
It's also great for making sure your phone is completely dead when you actually need it.
Incredibly, after all this, the inventor still expects you to give him money:
"Kickstarter, please help me bring the traditional bell into the future."
Absolutely fucking not.
Why don't you bring your look into the future, Captain Cargo Shorts?
Speaking of the future, Freds continue to be infatuated with Zwift:
On any given day, you can find a couple thousand riders pedaling away inside the virtual reality training game of Zwift. While the virtual courses of Watopia, London and Richmond will never compete with riding outside, Zwift can provide effective engagement for cyclists who are stuck riding inside on a trainer.
You're only "stuck riding inside on a trainer" if you're dumb enough to ride a trainer in the first place Sure, in my deep dark days of Fredness I too used to ride a trainer, but then I realized that riding a trainer is stupid. If you're stuck inside, why not do something that's enjoyable to do inside? Read a book. Watch TV. Interact with friends, family, and loved ones. Masturbate. All of these activities are optimized for indoor enjoyment, whereas cycling--even with an avatar and an Ant+ sensor unit stuck to your scranus--is not. Furthermore, there's no reason to attempt to maintain your fitness during spells of bad weather, because you totally suck, and it only takes like three rides outside to regain the meager, pathetic fitness you had before.
Yet instead of learning this important lesson Freds will no doubt pass their ridiculous behavior on to their kids:
If your bike-loving tyke wants to be "just like Mom and Dad"—especially when you're crushing your trainer ride on Zwift Island—then Fisher-Price has a product for you: the SmartCycle, a stationary bike that's designed to help kids learn through educational electronic games.