Wednesday, January 4, 2017

This Is Going To Be The Best 2017 EVER!!!

It's 1917!



Sorry, I meant 2017!


After the annus horribilis (a Latin phrase meaning "horrible anus") that was 2016, it was somewhat gratifying to watch it go swirling down the toilet.  However, it remains to be seen what will happen once that hissing sound stops and the bowl fills anew.  At the very least, we can expect at least one carroty turd to resurface on Inauguration Day, and no amount of plunging is likely to consign it to the sewers where it belongs.

Nevertheless, I choose to welcome 2017 as an auspicious year, for it marks my 10th year of blogging:


No, I'm not retiring (yet), I just prefer tombstones to birthday cakes.  Also, my blog's 10th birthday isn't technically until June 13th, at which point you can rest assured I'll mark the occasion in the appropriate fashion:


Still, it's never too early to start congratulating yourself, and I like to think I'm coasting to the line with a comfortable lead and plenty of time to zip up and thank the sponsors, though this is probably a more accurate representation:


Did I win?  The answer is most certainly yes.  Ten years ago I was a sub-middling Cat 3 with an unfulfilling day job and a debilitating racing habit.  Now I've turned into something even more insufferable: an ex-racer, published author, and parent, which is a highly combustible admixture for smugness.  Most importantly, in that time I've established myself as very possibly the world's greatest cycling blogger--and rest assured that when I say "possibly" I mean "definitely," it's just that my attorneys have advised me to use "possibly" when making pronouncements in order to avoid getting sued.


(This article is possibly about learning how to blow yourself.  See how that works?)

Of course being the world's greatest cycling blogger (possibly) isn't just a leisurely spin in the park.  Sure, I get to try out new bicycles from time to time, and marketing people occasionally offer to send me crotchal unguents for free, but maintaining my lofty position in the general classification takes work.  Indeed, in 2017 some of this work will take me away from this blog.  To what degree it does so remains to be seen, but I will endeavor to keep you apprised of my posting schedule of all times.  Also know that when I do take leave of this blog I'll be working on stuff you'll get to enjoy later, or at least working on stuff that will allow me to work on stuff you'll get to enjoy later, so it'll all work out in the end.

Hopefully.

Is that vague enough for you?  Because I could try to be even more ambiguous, but then I'd be venturing into Bradley Wiggins's package territory:


Hey, who doesn't like a good drugs package?  Maybe now that he's retired he can start a "Mystery Drugs Package of the Month Club."


("Dunno, could be anyfink, mate.")

And with that I hereby declare this year...well, if not exactly seaworthy, then at least adrift in a sea of uncertainty:



Here's to ten more years.  Of something.

Possibly.

60 comments:

JLRB said...

Woo hoo

Steely Danzig said...

No shit? First?

Watch and Camera Guy said...

Podium?

Bud W. Iser said...

Say what?

Anonymous said...

No Ted K? Already a better start.

Anonymous said...

Welcome back!

N/A said...

I heard from somebody that your leisurely spin in the park including huffing some glue.

boys on the hoods said...

Top Ten!!

JLRB said...

2017 is looking much better now that I grabbed the gold ring - the prized position - the top step - the blah blah blah

Anyway - Happy new anus

wishiwasmerckx said...

Welcome back to work, slacker.

N/A said...

I believe now is the time to start the ol' rumor mill a'churnin with the hot news that when BSNYC shutters this blog on labor day of 2017, Wildcat will start writing guest posts for the Rapha blog and RedKitePrayer.

N/A said...

Velonews will continue to suck the rearmost teat, of course.

McFly said...

Why don't you just go to a Tue & Thur scheduleway so the work doesn't suffer?

dan said...

An impressive display of elderly Fred-dom in France:
http://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-38510439
"French cyclist Robert Marchand sets new record aged 105"

Fourhourerection said...

Pre-Epiphany Top Twenty?

Everbody said...

Hair Furor is possibly the best way to refer to the guy who's name I will not type.

wle said...

Now that your picture's in the paper being rhythmically admired
And you can have anyone that you have ever desired
All you gotta tell me now is why, why, why, why?

Welcome to the working week
Oh, I know it don't thrill you, I hope it don't kill you
Welcome to the working week
You gotta do it till you're through it, so you better get to it

All of your family had to kill to survive
And they're still waitin' for their big day to arrive
But if they knew how I felt, they'd bury me alive

Welcome to the working week
Oh, I know it don't thrill you, I hope it don't kill you
Welcome to the working week
You gotta do it till you're through it, so you better get to it

I hear you sayin', "Hey, the city's alright," when you only read about it in books
Spend all your money gettin' so convinced that you never even bother to look
Sometimes I wonder if we're livin' in the same land
Why d'you want to be my friend when I feel like a juggler running out of hands?

Welcome to the working week
Oh, welcome to the working week

bieks said...

Welcome back Snobby. I'm pretty sure it's only my 8th anniversary of reading, but that in itself is an accomplishment or at least a lame excuse to buy myself something bikey.

N/A said...

I know that there are the lamentations of some of us commentators containing less than fully-working wits, but where the hell else would we go to goof-off with bikey-related talk and so forth? Who else would humor lengthy discussions of scranular conditions and the relative humidity contained therein? Velouria ain't having none of that.

My New Year's Day Bloody Marys were crappy, now there's talk of the (possibly)greatest bike blog writer quitting to go write for the Rapha blog, and frankly the weather around here isn't quite to my liking. Will the fucking horrors of 2016 never end?

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Rounding out the top 20?

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said ...

Welcome back Sr. Snob!

vsk

Dave Barry said...

Hey Mr. Snob;

Reading between the lines in today’s post, you possibly have made a future livelihood decision.

So this suggestion might be too late, but have you considered a career of a Newspaper Columnist?

You would have to produce up to of one (1) column a week, which would be shorter than most of your blog posts. And there would be a maximum of one (1) picture to accommodate each column, and the Art Dept. at the newspaper will provide it for you. When you take your constant vacations, some editor at the newspaper will pull one of your old column out of the file and run it for you.

All you got to do is find a newspaper that is hiring.

dcee604 said...

Happy New Year! Or is that too late to say now..

Tom Sawyer said...

Another possible future livelihood suggestion. Get your commentors to write the blog for free. Mainly of them clearing are yearning to express their wit and bad taste on the internet. Then you will have time to go to dental school and earn enough for the Serrento of your dreams.

Anonymous said...

Everbody @ 1:12

"Hair Furor" -- oh, that's a good one. Thank you



TRUK FUMP

Dooth said...

Best finish line bike throw ever; flawlessly and hilariously executed.

dancesonpedals said...

I hear Kim Kardashian has stopped using 'West" in her social media & now uses 'Bikesnob"

JB said...

Oh, hi.

Spokey said...

irrelevant comment for the under 30 podi

Spokey said...


now that i've actually read the post and inciteful comments, a hardy congrats to JLRB for the yellow on the first post of the year.

1904 Cadardi said...

What could Mr. Wildcat be planning?

A Broadway musical adaptation of Finnegans Wake performed entirely on bicycles
He's the new head of the incoming administration's alternative transportation transition team
Enrolling in the United Bicycle Institute's Custom Brazed Chromoly Frame Building course
Attempting to achieve KOM on every Strava segment shaped like boobs

As long as you keep coming back and entertaining us on a semi-regular basis it's all good.

Happy New Year!

Voltaire said...

I’m guessing the economics of child care in NYC guarantee Mr. Snob will not be reporting to a cubical job with regular hours for at least a decade. And Bikes! as wonderful as they are, are a finite subject. So adding my guess the list, Mr. Snob will spread his disapproving glare and will become a cultural/social/political critic. Each one of those subjects has infinite opportunities for criticism.

cultural/social/political critic said...

"...read the post and inciteful comments,..."

Insightful comments? Is there a second comment page I don't know about?

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said ...

I think as long as you begin stories with a little Trump bash, you could write for any of the myriad "mainstream media" publications out there (the ones that DJT says are all going out of business any minute).
And if the comments go flat you could ask of the ardent goose stepping lefty re-educators in waiting "Are you not entertained!?!?"... if they haven't all moved to Canada.

vsk - sarcasm set to "Medium"

grog said...

Oh dear lob. He's back.
Bring on the babe.

Anonymous said...

Uber driver on the commute today attempted to purposefully "door" me. I deftly passed on his passenger side and launched a spitshot into his open sunroof. Happy new year!

Anonymous said...

It's good to have you back Snob! I tried reading the blog Leroy's dog writes, but it was all bark and no bike.

Crosspalms said...

1904 cadardi
If he takes that frame building course, I want a brazen Huffy, no matter the cost (though I hear they can be pretty pricey).

Old Timer said...

Huh? What?

bad boy of the north said...

yup,can't wait for his orangeness to ascend the lofty throne.oh lob,help us all.

Spokey said...

months ago i kept saying:

we're about to elect the worst president in our history. i just don't know the gender

now i know the gender

JLRB said...

Spokey - How can you be so sure?

Spokey said...


JLRB

you don't want to know

BamaPhred said...

I could post something inciteful, but I think I'll go with, "Have you tried the judicious use of heat to your seized bike part, Mr. Spokey?" I gently warm up the part, spray some penetrating oil on, and with any luck the oil is drawn into threads as it cools.

Come Back to the Five and Dime Jimmy Dean said...

Any kid born this 1/20 will have to live that toilet seat around their neck for the rest of their lives.

The Fair and Balanced Network said...

Al Gore invention full of rumors that the Snob will be moving over to Breitbart.

Drock said...

In rio over the brake, dude pulled a gun and said what pressure you running at?

DB said...

I'm thinking Leroy's dog knows Wildcats plans.
I plan on getting him drunk at his next karaoke night and getting the truth out of him. (Or her)

Ryan Kelley said...

We need a bard to cope with 2017. And you are it. Please, don't quit Bike Snob.

Holy Roller said...

Hey sinners, for 2017 let's put more 'us' in Jesus.

Duck and Cover said...

2017 will be known as, 'The year that was grabbed by the pussy'.

bieks said...

I wish Opinionated Cyclist would resurrect his YouTube channel. Good times.

leroy said...

My dog asked me to point out that Prolly is not possibly.

I've learned to accept that I'll prolly never understand half the stuff he says.

Oh well, welcome back!

ubercurmudgeon said...

Sorry, Snob, the phrase "annus horribilis" is copyright of the Queen of England, referring to 1992 when her vile children got in the news, and one of her castles caught fire. Likewise the phrase "horrible anus" is reserved by the British for use when referring to Piers Morgan. Kudos on the "carroty turd" bit though, very funny.

Anonymous said...

Also, your use of the word "anyfink" as a Wiggo accented "anything" is very humorous. Thank you for the mirth. Keep up the good werk.

JLRB said...

Just checked Kickstarter - no sign of Snob's new career appearing there.

The smart money says he finally got accepted as an apprentice to Eric the Chamferer. With enough practice he should be able to etch the Seal of Disapproval on B-17s in no time. If that does not work out he can go study leather etching skills under John "Quick Draw" McGraw

Anonymous said...

Keep up the good twerk!

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