(...though if Chuck were still with us today he'd probably be pretty psyched.)
I don't know what's worse: the fact we just elected Donald freaking Trump as President of Canada's Undercarriage, or all the sanctimonious Tweeting from despondent liberals.
"We should have done more!!!"
Oh shut up.
Either way, I feel less like we voted and more like we threw a bunch of shit at the wall to see what stuck--and the shit that did stick indicates we've got a diet rich in carrots.
I also think about how many years ago I was at a fashion event (long story) and found myself standing mere inches from Donald Trump. At the time all I could think about was that hair (it's way crazier in person), but now I realize ruefully that it's the closest I've ever been to a past, present, or future President.
Had I known then what I know now perhaps I could have done something to alter the course of history (like record him admitting he thinks immigrants have a better work ethic than native-born Americans and thinks abortion and Jews are "really great," thus totally undermining his campaign), but instead I just giggled to myself and he went off to grab some pussy.
Worst of all, I've always counted on the notion that if things ever get really bad in America I can at least slap a kippah on my head, Jew it up a bit, and take advantage of the Law of Return. However, now that I've researched it I'm not sure I'd technically qualify. I mean yeah, I'd ace the "Seinfeld quotes" section of the test, and at least one of my grandparents moved to Florida, but a quick search of my blog alone would no doubt put me out of the running. Plus I don't want to move there anyway, it's hot as balls.
Hmmm, maybe Trump's wall is really to keep us all in.
Meanwhile, let's not lose sight of the biggest problem facing America today, which is kids on bicycles running wild:
I dunno, my first instinct would be to congratulate him on the awesome wheelie, but some people want to put a negative spin on everything:
Throggs Neck residents are asking the 45th Precinct put the brakes on a group of unruly pre-teen bicyclists.
On Thursday, October 13, Linda Perry was driving to Throggs Neck Pharmacy to pick up medicine for her 80-year-old mother when a boy riding a bicycle without a helmet cut in front of her car causing her to jam on the brakes.
OK, a couple things:
1) Who gives a shit what you were doing? Does picking up medicine for your mother make you a saint? You're driving to the neighborhood drugstore, not delivering a freaking kidney;
2) Using the same logic, does wearing a helmet somehow make you a villain? What if the kid had been wearing a helmet and carrying medicine for his 80-year-old grandmother? Would that be better?
Then again, it does say that he was "riding a bicycle without a helmet," so maybe the problem is that he wasn't riding one of those helmeted bicycles.
When she exited the vehicle at the corner of Lafayette and East Tremont avenues, four pre-teen boys intimidated her by riding their bikes around her.
“I said to them, ‘You could have killed someone. What’s the matter with you’,” she recalled.
I have no doubt it was an irritating encounter, but I've never heard of a bicycle wheelie killing an innocent bystander.
Perry claimed one of the boys allegedly gave her the middle finger and made sexually explicit remarks following her question.
Ah yes, a child/adult street interaction that goes at least as far back as the days of rolling a hoop:
Though here's a modern spin on another one:
She claimed the boys allegedly photographed her and her car and that one of them threatened to have his mother beat her up.
Hey, used to be you threatened to sic your father on someone. Let's hear it for gender equality!
Anyway, rest assured the local police precinct is going to take care of the problem:
“I’ve dealt with these kids myself and most of them are good kids,” she said. “I take this situation seriously and we’re going to scare them straight.”
I don't know what that means, but my best guess is that it will involve showing them old Canadian helmet PSAs:
Ah shit, that reminds me, I've gotta sew maple leaves on all my backpacks now:
Pro tip: if you suspect a tourist may be an American masquerading as a Canadian, simply administer this foolproof test:
1) Ask tourist to say something in French;
2) Ask tourist his or her height in centimeters;
3) Ask tourist to name Canadian prime minister;
There isn't a single person in the United States who can answer all three of those questions correctly, and that includes our President-elect.
Lastly, if you're still fretting over the election, take solace in the knowledge that it could be worse. For example, not only are the British still grappling with the reality of a "Brexit," but they're also now confronting change to their beloved Toblerone:
(I've only seen those in airports, you mean people actually eat that shit?)
The 170-gram and 400-gram milk chocolate bars (about six ounces and 14 ounces) have been cut down to 150 grams and 360 grams to reduce costs, because of rising prices for ingredients, said Mondelez International, which makes the bars. The altered shape is visible only once the box is opened.
Wow, it's lighter and you get less but it isn't any cheaper?
They must be taking their cues from the bike industry.