Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Weirdest Wednesday EVER


(...though if Chuck were still with us today he'd probably be pretty psyched.)


Whoa.

I don't know what's worse: the fact we just elected Donald freaking Trump as President of Canada's Undercarriage, or all the sanctimonious Tweeting from despondent liberals.

"We should have done more!!!"

Oh shut up.

Either way, I feel less like we voted and more like we threw a bunch of shit at the wall to see what stuck--and the shit that did stick indicates we've got a diet rich in carrots.

I also think about how many years ago I was at a fashion event (long story) and found myself standing mere inches from Donald Trump.  At the time all I could think about was that hair (it's way crazier in person), but now I realize ruefully that it's the closest I've ever been to a past, present, or future President.

Had I known then what I know now perhaps I could have done something to alter the course of history (like record him admitting he thinks immigrants have a better work ethic than native-born Americans and thinks abortion and Jews are "really great," thus totally undermining his campaign), but instead I just giggled to myself and he went off to grab some pussy.

Worst of all, I've always counted on the notion that if things ever get really bad in America I can at least slap a kippah on my head, Jew it up a bit, and take advantage of the  Law of Return.  However, now that I've researched it I'm not sure I'd technically qualify.  I mean yeah, I'd ace the "Seinfeld quotes" section of the test, and at least one of my grandparents moved to Florida, but a quick search of my blog alone would no doubt put me out of the running.  Plus I don't want to move there anyway, it's hot as balls.

Hmmm, maybe Trump's wall is really to keep us all in.

Meanwhile, let's not lose sight of the biggest problem facing America today, which is kids on bicycles running wild:


I dunno, my first instinct would be to congratulate him on the awesome wheelie, but some people want to put a negative spin on everything:

Throggs Neck residents are asking the 45th Precinct put the brakes on a group of unruly pre-teen bicyclists.

On Thursday, October 13, Linda Perry was driving to Throggs Neck Pharmacy to pick up medicine for her 80-year-old mother when a boy riding a bicycle without a helmet cut in front of her car causing her to jam on the brakes.

OK, a couple things:

1) Who gives a shit what you were doing?  Does picking up medicine for your mother make you a saint?  You're driving to the neighborhood drugstore, not delivering a freaking kidney;

2) Using the same logic, does wearing a helmet somehow make you a villain?  What if the kid had been wearing a helmet and carrying medicine for his 80-year-old grandmother?  Would that be better?

Then again, it does say that he was "riding a bicycle without a helmet," so maybe the problem is that he wasn't riding one of those helmeted bicycles.

When she exited the vehicle at the corner of Lafayette and East Tremont avenues, four pre-teen boys intimidated her by riding their bikes around her.

“I said to them, ‘You could have killed someone. What’s the matter with you’,” she recalled.

I have no doubt it was an irritating encounter, but I've never heard of a bicycle wheelie killing an innocent bystander.

Perry claimed one of the boys allegedly gave her the middle finger and made sexually explicit remarks following her question.

Ah yes, a child/adult street interaction that goes at least as far back as the days of rolling a hoop:


Though here's a modern spin on another one:

She claimed the boys allegedly photographed her and her car and that one of them threatened to have his mother beat her up.

Hey, used to be you threatened to sic your father on someone.  Let's hear it for gender equality!

Anyway, rest assured the local police precinct is going to take care of the problem:

“I’ve dealt with these kids myself and most of them are good kids,” she said. “I take this situation seriously and we’re going to scare them straight.”

I don't know what that means, but my best guess is that it will involve showing them old Canadian helmet PSAs:




Ah shit, that reminds me, I've gotta sew maple leaves on all my backpacks now:


Pro tip: if you suspect a tourist may be an American masquerading as a Canadian, simply administer this foolproof test:

1) Ask tourist to say something in French;
2) Ask tourist his or her height in centimeters;
3) Ask tourist to name Canadian prime minister;

There isn't a single person in the United States who can answer all three of those questions correctly, and that includes our President-elect.

Lastly, if you're still fretting over the election, take solace in the knowledge that it could be worse.  For example, not only are the British still grappling with the reality of a "Brexit," but they're also now confronting change to their beloved Toblerone:


(I've only seen those in airports, you mean people actually eat that shit?)

The 170-gram and 400-gram milk chocolate bars (about six ounces and 14 ounces) have been cut down to 150 grams and 360 grams to reduce costs, because of rising prices for ingredients, said Mondelez International, which makes the bars. The altered shape is visible only once the box is opened.

Wow, it's lighter and you get less but it isn't any cheaper?

They must be taking their cues from the bike industry.

117 comments:

Watch and Camera Guy said...

Podium?

Ted K. said...

Note 31. (Paragraph 189) Assuming that such a final push occurs. Conceivably the industrial system might be eliminated in a somewhat gradual or piecemeal fashion (see paragraphs 4, 167 and Note 4).

Anonymous said...

Je suis dans...ah, f*** it. This sucks.

Spokey said...

ted doesn't count podi!!

BeerDrivenCyclist said...

Podioioio?

N/A said...

That kid was pulling a sweet wheelie.

Visegripmikey said...

Meh, come to Canada, then get headhunted back. No biggie.

Fourhourerection said...

Third party spoiler!

g. said...

shouldn't have read it, but needed something to try to feel better. fuckin' toblerone.

g. said...

oh yeah and that president/white supremacist thing.

bad boy of the north said...

Nicely put,snob,nicely put.

Two Claws said...

Je suis sur 1.7m, et notre prime minister es Bob McKenzie - hat trick!

Two claws up!

Comment deleted said...

It could be worse...nah, I got nothing.

DeWayne Stark said...

Saw the sun come up this morning. After the election some thought it may not. Today's good news is Hillary didn't get elected, the bad news is Trump did.

Drock said...

My only hope is he can make huffy great again.

Anonymous said...

Take heart friends! The office of president is greater than any individual. Once Trump assumes the mantle of office God himself will see he is anointed with the grace required to fulfill the wishes of the people who choose him. Trump will be redeemed along with all of America. God bless!

Grump said...

It's not like an election like this never happened before. Those silly Germans did it in the 1930's.

Two Claws said...

I always thought Toblerone was Swiss - no matter really, even slimmed down to 150g I won't be carrying them over the border wall.

Dave said...

There's a dead skunk in the middle of the road
And it's stinkin' to high heaven.

Come on, stink!

traildog said...

parlez vouz, 183cm, trudeau. own it. I guess i should move there already.

ubercurmudgeon said...

Aggressive hand gestures? Making sexually explicit remarks? Threatening to have people who question him beaten up? That kid is president material! Get him on a reality TV training program now and the 2072 election will be all sewn up.

McFly said...

Coarse tooth Toblerone....metric....natch...

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Scranus.

Kraig said...

Will the Trump presidency be Boost-compatible and tubeless-friendly?

NHcycler said...


"The 170-gram and 400-gram milk chocolate bars...have been cut down to 150 grams and 360 grams...visible only once the box is opened."

The net weight is printed on the label, is it not? I mean, we all know that twenty to forty grams makes such a HUGE (sorry!) difference, it should be obvious the moment you pick it up.

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

A bit of Pygmalion...we have three months to turn Donald Trump into a presentable human being......

dnk said...

We elected as President of the United States a charlatan flim-flam man.

A failure in the casino business who in a presidential debate proudly admitted to cheating contractors out of money owed to them.

A con-man who opened a phony "university" in order to cheat people who paid him tuition.

A man who games the system and used a one-billion dollar revenue loss in order to not pay taxes for almost 20 years.

A man who disdains science and considers global warming a hoax.

A man whose statements about Muslims, Mexicans, and civil rights has earned him the full-throated support of hate groups, including the KKK.

A serial sexual predator.

A man whose greatest success (prior to becoming President-elect of the United States of America) has been as a reality TV star whose catchphrase is "You're fired."

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Ugh, my head hurts, my scranus hurts!

Alec Baldwin has a gig on SNL for the next 4 years!

clyde said...

I knew this election was going to suck after both party conventions were done! The media today and last night was pretty funny too/.

Bryan said...

Toblerone has gone laterally stiff and vertically complaint. We're all fucked. South Carolina smells like smoke - they say it's forest fires in NC, TN and AL, but we know better - the gates of Hell have opened. Satan is coming to claim his due now that The Donald is our President Elect.

Bryan said...

Also - ~180 cm, 90.5 kg, Voulez vous coucher avec moi, and Trudeau.

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said ...

No more $10 Chinese fat tyre fixies.

They will cost $1,800 now plus shipping.

vsk

Anonymous said...

You can never underestimate the stupidity and ignorance of people especially Americans. 59 people voted for trump. I honestly haven't felt the bad since 9-11. This country is completely fucked. The only good news is that the fucking morons that voted for Trump are going to get exactly what they deserve, the bad news is that the other half of us have to suffer the consequences of their epically terrible decision.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Wow I totally misread the abbreviations in the headline. I thought it was Tennessee Residents ask 45th President put brakes on pre-teen bicyclists.

The Day After said...

"There isn't a single person in the United States who can answer all three of those questions correctly, and that includes our President-elect."

"All three", The Donald couldn't answer any of them.

Grump @ 1:01 - Touché! Fox and the rest of the right wing media picked up on what Joseph Goebbels discovered; if you tell the same lie enough times, people will believe it.

It's like déjà vu all over again said...

Anom 148 " The only good news is that the fucking morons that voted for Trump are going to get exactly what they deserve..."

Congratulations to "White Males with no College Education". When I went to bed it was the demographic that Trump had his biggest lead with, by double digits. What you will have won will be another gigantic tax cut for the wealthy, so the benefits can "trickle down" to you while the tax cuts pay for themselves through increased economic activity. We've all seen how well trickle down worked under Reagan and Bush Jr., the country ended up drowning in black ink (sarcasm).

Bikeboy said...

At least we didn't elect President Hillary!

(I wish I felt as good about President Trump, as I do about NOT President Hillary...)

Well, at least I've got my bike, my gun, and my religion to cling to.

Anonymous said...

lifeboat alert -there is a lot of crying today

crosspalms said...

To blerone or not to blerone, that is the digestion.

Four years of slings and arrows ahead, but at least they haven't come for the bikes yet.

!HRC said...

i really feel bad for all the disappointed snowflakes.
go ahead, take today as optional day off.
http://www.foxnews.com/us/2016/11/09/yale-professor-makes-midterm-optional-for-students-distraught-over-trump-win.html

Anonymous said...

That raises an interesting question:

Are the disappointed snowflakes worse than the disappointing snowflakes?

bieks said...

Whenever I see a Canadian flag I always assume they're American. Couldn't be bothered. Try explaining that Canadian is different than American. They don't care. No one does.

1904 Cadardi said...

"A diet rich in carrots."

Where can I submit the bill for cleaning the Coke off my keyboard?

P. Bateman said...

wow - got what i came for. i figured i'd get a pretty wide range of opinions from this commentariat...this whole tobblerone thing has really sent some noticeable shock waves.


i'm not a trump guy but i will say that watching all the young white people sobbing last night made me feel a deep sense of warmth and happiness.

Anonymous said...

!HRC for troll of the day!!!

camembert teuton said...

Bonjour,
Je mesure 1m77, et le Premier Ministre de ce magnifique pays qu´est le Canada s´appelle Justin Trudeau.
Too easy, i´m french. Yes, i know, i know, cheese eating surrending monkeys, freedom fries and stuff. God, this now sounds like good ol´ times...
The thing is, i´m also german. And right now, it doesn´t feel like good ol´ times at all. We´ve had our share of populism some 80 years ago. Seen from across the pond, this is seriously scary...

On a sweeter note, there´s one thing where I disagree with Snob though: Toblerone tastes great. And there´s an XXL bar, weighs 4,5 kg (that´s half a fred sled, or 1,5% of a pick-up truck to you donaldized ´Mericans)

Anyway.. it´s a fucking depressing wednesday: the D. does get elected, and i´m dry since my weed dealer is on holiday. I need to get a new bike to lift my spirits.

Francis Pharcellus Church said...

Yes, Virginia, dousche bag trolls ride bikes too.

The Donald said...

1st order of business. Go straight to Wreck Beach and grab Babble by the beaver. Once I tickle that furry animal she will be putty.

CommieCanuck said...

The essence of being Canadian is to not give a shit about being Canadian, if you know the words to the anthem, you've gone too far.

I tried your quiz:

1) Ask tourist to say something in French;

Something in French

2) Ask tourist his or her height in centimeters;

Won't work, we measure our body parts in millimeters, gives more impressive numbers. Donald will make this law.

3) Ask tourist to name Canadian prime minister;

Tim Horton.

So, according to MSNBC, 52% of women voted Trump, and 45% of latinos, so that means, uh...23% women latinos, so do we grope them or deport them? Please advise.

GRAB PUSS

JB said...

"I love the poorly educated!"

CommieCanuck said...

Congratulations to "White Males with no College Education".

Actually, in many states, white males WITH college education were 48% for Trump, so either Trump University was bigger than we thought or we should stop polling outside DeVry.

We all know what this means from the Democrats...

KARDASHIAN 2020

Bidobi said...

!HRC for troll of the day!!!

lol :)

CommieCanuck said...

Check out this golden asshole.

bieks said...

Now I'm curious. I'm trying to think of the last time I heard a Canadian quote their height in cm. Sharing a border (it's huge!) with the US is the main reason that metric is a treatment and not a cure for that old-timey English measurement. Commie got a double dose this month and is using mm.

N/A said...

According to Google calculator, I am 4.023e+8 beard-seconds tall.

I ain't sayin' it in French.

Centipeter said...

Lemme try....

"Hey baby you ever had 16 1/2 centimeters?"

I like it.

Anonymous said...

So nobody predicted a Trump win. Yet everyone predicts a Trump presidency disaster. Uh huh. I think he's lazy enough and smart enough to hire a bunch of smart non-partisan people to do the heavy lifting of running the country. I very much doubt it will be the disaster that people imagine. He might even turn out to be a decent President. His ego is also a positive - no way he wants to be considered a worse president than Obama.

JLRB said...



“I have to admit, Trump did look pretty presidential last night addressing the nation in the wake of a national disaster.”
Dale Woodrow Unemployed


Laughter is good medicine - drugs better. I predict a spike in alcohol and drug sales - especially with pot legalized in CA.

Comment deleted said...

Ain't enough flowers in the Golden Triangle to distract from this, unfortunately.

I picked a bad day to give up nightshade.

Commie, we're going back to the good ol' days here, all the way back to George Hearst. That high-grading bastard will be shot on sight should he try that here.

Billy said...

Just wait 'till he gets alone with some hot intern, and becomes the president erect.

leroy said...

How mad was my dog?

So mad, he asked me to shoot him.

I told him this sucks, but it does not change who we are.

We get up every morning, live our values, pursue our dreams, and try to do some good.

And if he gets a chance to urinate on an orange-hued, narcissistic, bigoted con-man dope, well, that's just a bonus.

Over the Hill said...

Remember when kids use to roll hoops? Now they just seem to roll reefers and do pop-a-wheelies.

Holy Roller said...

Thou shall reap what one sows.

Steely Danzig said...

Churchill said that democracy is the worst type of government, except for every other type. Somebody else said you get the government you deserve. I don't think we're that bad. This is the result of capitalism.
I think Joe Strummer would not approve.

Anonymous said...

you never know

Donald Drumpf said...

Watch out, you snow Mexicans. We are building a wall at the Canadian border, too. No more wetback Canucks swimming across the Great Lakes.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Great Britain: Brexit was the stupidest, most self-destructive thing a country could do.

USA: Hold my beer.

Dooth said...

Putin's gonna flood our country with hot young blonde Russian women with the express purpose of breeding with the deplorables. Their progeny will reelect a dynasty of Trumps.

Dazed and Confused said...

So, if I may depart from politics for a moment, I have an etiquette question for you refined gentlemen.

The girl I'm seeing has the normal amount of hair in the nether regions. One day, she shows up with her ass crack waxed smooth. Am I supposed to comment? Let her know I noticed, and that I appreciate the effort? Ignore it so as to avoid inflicting any embarrassment upon her or me?

Emily Post's most helpful book is silent on the subject.

I saw my opportunities and I took em - Boss Tweed said...

Anom @ 404 "I think he's lazy enough and smart enough to hire a bunch of smart non-partisan people to do the heavy lifting of running the country."

Non-partisan, forget about that. The people one rung down the ladder will be Newt, Rudy and Mr. Bridgegate. Oh yeah, and Ms. Clueless in Alaska will be Sec. of the Interior.

rovinato said...

You're a hell of a writer sometimes. Thanks.

Comment deleted said...

A sincere "nice ass crack" is never an unwelcome compliment from a refined gentleman.

Ass crack explorer said...

@ Dazed and Confused

1/ a waxed ass crack is always nice
2/ everyone appreciates compliments on making efforts to look better
3/ ladies love being told they´re hot/hotter
4/ offer her a brooks Cambium and tell her to ride it naked: that´s automatic and effortless ass crack waxing

And Now for Something Completely Different said...

D & C 5:24 After cressessing her crevasse, smile and gently ask electric or razor blade?

Now back to politics...

bad boy of the north said...

like you,snob,i too was in close proximity of said Donald.it was the early nineties after a concert at the garden in nyc.he was with marla maples(hey,canadian reference).I was probably fifty feet away,no guards,no chauffers...I could've ran up to him and messed with that raccoon on his head...alas it was not to be.missed opportunity.

I'm very, very pleased to be cleared of any legal wrongdoing said...

"Ms. Clueless in Alaska will be Sec. of the Interior."

Nah, White House Press Sec., so all of us, and the world, can listen to her unique vocabulary.

JLRB said...

WishIwas @5:19 COD, which I am going to steal

Freddy Murcks said...

1) Ask tourist to say something in French;

Bonjour. Merci. Comment ca va?

2) Ask tourist his or her height in centimeters;

180 cm

3) Ask tourist to name Canadian prime minister;

Justin Trudeau

I am ready for my closeup, Mr. Snob.

Anonymous said...

Something to look forward to: our next president will be Jewish.

Old timer said...

Oh, no...

old timer said...

Oh no to Trump as POTUS. Not oh no to a Jewish president. We should be so lucky!

Anonymous said...

The Toblerone redesign was really due to the fact that nobody knows how to eat them properly.

You are supposed to dexterously break the triangles off one handed by pinching them together with your index finger.

Instead, everyone just snaps the triangles off with two hands like cavemen.

Anonymous said...

Eating food dexterously is untrumpian and subject to deportation.

Anonymous said...

I feel like I'm going to get laid a lot the next four years. Shaved my balls in anticipation.

8carlisle said...

Have to agree with previous comment about Toblerone being great and especially with liquor. Should be part of the American food staple.

Spokey said...



venting over yet?

can we get back to why my fuck-o (pardone mi francais [at 190 cm] but i'm still drinking although switched back from scotch to bourbon sans the coffee)front avid single digit 7 breaks squeal like a stuck pig? swapped rims yesterday (both velocity dyads but one is 40 and the other 36 hole both with conti trave contacts). new rims (from my july new biek w ~ 700 miles) squeals a little less but squeals and the old rim on the new bilenky doesn't squeal at all. tried lubbing the studs, toe in is clearly visible, have tried new pads to no avail. broke down and have had 'professionals' deal with it 3 times now to zippo success.

in desperation i've even offered the first and second born* to lob in sacrifice to no avail.


* not actually sacrificed as both first and second born can whoop me ass now. and third born is lost in the nether reaches of china somewhere so she was unavailable for sacrifice.

** btw leroy has yet to post his dog's review of the party treats at hrc vs djt parties.

8carlisle said...

Have to agree with previous comment about Toblerone being great and especially with liquor. Should be part of the American food staple.

babble on said...

Qu'est ce que le actual FUCK have you done? Fuck centemeters, that's just silly, and I don't weigh myself in stones, either. Um, and it doesn't matter what you call hiim, but maaaaaan oh man, our PM is way way way cooler smarter AND hotter than your Drumpfassed president. I used to feel the same way about Vancouver's hot bike riding bike lane building mayor compared to Toronto's Robba the Fords, and look how that turned out. There's always hope.

Ubercurmudgeon - heh heh. :)

JLRB said...

Spokey - You need to switch to electronic brakes

Ice cold glass of Leffe for me

Anonymous said...

America has now reached a state of Idiocracy: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BBvIweCIgwk

The movie that was once a comedy is now a documentary.

way_down_low said...


Dazed and Confused,

As always, you have to be very careful with appearance compliments, even an ass crack. If she's happier for it, everybody wins. http://elizabethpatch.com/10-ways-to-compliment-a-woman-without-mentioning-her-looks/

Venturing into adult funtime talk: a waxed area down there MIGHT mean she enjoys "attention" a little further down during adult funtime. But, maybe not. Being creative and pleasing when paying attention is a bonus for both. It's not a porn video. As always, hygiene matters.

Funtime is a skill. Be creative!

21st Century Cave Art said...

You just won't have bike lanes. And what's so bad about President Hillary?

F be me said...

People are saying Cromey is calling for a vote recount

Peter Lichfield said...

"Plus I don't want to move there anyway, it's hot as balls".

Yeah the temperature is the main reason not to move to Israel. The apartheid and collective punishment just seals the deal really.

dancesonpedals said...

Dear Dazed and Confused. Of course it's all right to compliment someone on their nicely waxed ass crack. The key is nonchalance*. Think of a Grey Poupon commercial. "Pardon me. Who waxes your ass crack?" Nonchalance will be the mustard on her buns** when you slip in your hot dog.



*as practiced by Gandhi and MLK

**actually, labia

BikeSnobNYC said...

Peter Lichfield,

I think America may have just ceded our right to claim the moral high ground, so yeah, it comes down to weather.

--Wildcat Etc.

BamaPhred said...

Can we just fucking sprint? Or sprint fucking. I don't care

97

BamaPhred said...

Waxed ass crack?

If you can't be safe be sanitary.

98

BamaPhred said...

I guess I hafta pull the train to the century

99

BamaPhred said...

Century!

BamaPhred said...

Musta been a solo training ride.
Scranus

N/A said...

Finding a waxed ass can lead you down a slippery slope.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Wait, is today Wednesday or Thursday? I had the weirdest fucking dream that Donald Trump won the election. Oh Shit, it wasn't a bad dream?

N/A said...

What's the protocol after a good nether-region depilation? You get a good handful of Aqua Velva and smack it on?

jonathan said...

Take it from this Canadian: Many Canucks would fail BSNYC's test too.

I'm not too worried about #3: lots of people have (lady-)boners for Trudeau and the ones that don't hate his guts because they didn't like his dad, but everyone knows who he is.

Most Canadians can probably say a few words in French ("Puis je aller aux toilettes" seems to be what most people remember from their mandatory basic French classes)

Canadians suck at metric though. Good at fluid measurements and km (booze and driving), bad at height and weight.

Truth said...

You all suck and will all be dead eventually.

Anonymous said...

There is not enough Wednesday in the world

Purplius said...

Monsieur Trumpe speak French? Would he be capable of accommodating it within his 200-word vocabulary? We're looking into four years of "tremendous, believe me folks, huge disaster". And he's going to use his same spiel over and over again to screw everyone and make them feel good about it.

Frustrating as it has been to see a president unable to accomplish anything with an opposing senate, we can only braze ourselves to see that same group tending to the spoiled ignorant bullying brat's every whim.

Merde indeed!

The Bad, the Bad, the Bad and the Bad, be a comin said...

Toby had to raise their price because prices in airports are so low.

I suggest all Americans lay in a 60 day supply of water and Toby Bars, because the shitstorm of the century is arriving in January as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, Trump, Newt, Rudy and Mr. Bridgegate, will be taking the USA into the OK Corral. Oh, Lobster on High, save us, or at least pray for us. Better make that a 90 day supply.

geraldo said...

"Hmmm, maybe Trump's wall is really to keep us all in.” then we need a northern wall too, maybe one with a cycle path on top with a view of Mooseland?

BamaPhred said...

Worried about The Snob.

N/A said...

Maybe Wildcat said "fuck it" and went for a ride on the Husky Marin?

Anonymous said...

To further question/deconstruct the supposedly tidy moral black-and-whitism of the 80-year-old mother's prescription - who's to say the old bat isn't a child-molesting war criminal? FUCK her and her pills!

Another Canuck said...

The true test for a Canadian is to translate this sentence: "I went down to the Bay and got a Habs toque for a toonie"

Anonymous said...

Thanks for showing some restraint on whining about the election results and mostly sticking to bike stuff.

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