Thursday, November 3, 2016

Next Stop: The City of Siblingly Love!

[Please note there will be no post tomorrow, Friday, November 4th, because there won't.  I will resume regular updates on Monday, Nov. 7th, because I will.]

This Saturday, November 5th, which is the fifth day of the 11th month of the two-thousand one hundred and sixteenth year since Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ rolled over the odometer on the calendar (or, if you prefer, the VIth Annus of the Lobster--not to be confused with the VIth Anus of the Lobster, lobsters only have one), I'll be at the Philly Bike Expo in guess which mid-Atlantic city famous for cracked bells and cheese steaks:


More specifically, I'll be giving a "seminar" at 1:30pm, which will most likely involve a live quiz with valuable* prizes, assuming I can get it together:

*(Prizes will be of little to no monetary value.)

I'm very much looking forward to seeing at least some of you there, but please note that in order to attend you must first print and sign this waiver which was drafted by my legal team, Cipo, Cipo, & Cipo, LLP: We'll Get You Off!™


And yes, I will be checking.

Anyway, all those fantastic prizeways won't curate themselves, so today's post needs be short.  However, rest assured you can revel in lots more of my prose by reading my latest column for Reclaim, which is the Vanity Fair of the smugness set:


The short version is we should be using 21st century technology to stop drivers from slaughtering people, instead of the twin-pronged approach we use now which is basically a combination of victim-blaming and nothing.

Lastly, speaking of bikes and Jesus, the Gun of Sod's tomb is getting a sweet titanium upgrade:


Rainwater had deteriorated much of the mortar over the centuries. Iron support bars that were fully corroded will be removed and replaced by titanium.

I wonder if it will be more laterally stiff and vertically compliant than it was when I visited like 25 years ago:


Jesus wept...over my outfit.

See some of you on Saturday and the rest of you on Monday.

Until then,

I remain,

Etc. and so forth,



Wildcat Rock Machine


109 comments:

Ted K. said...

187. On the more sophisticated level the ideology should address itself to people who are intelligent, thoughtful and rational. The object should be to create a core of people who will be opposed to the industrial system on a rational, thought-out basis, with full appreciation of the problems and ambiguities involved, and of the price that has to be paid for getting rid of the system. It is particularly important to attract people of this type, as they are capable people and will be instrumental in influencing others. These people should be addressed on as rational a level as possible. Facts should never intentionally be distorted and intemperate language should be avoided. This does not mean that no appeal can be made to the emotions, but in making such appeal care should be taken to avoid misrepresenting the truth or doing anything else that would destroy the intellectual respectability of the ideology.

JB said...

Are you still punk in that photo or moved on to metal?

P.S. Ted K. is still around? Huh.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Podium!

BikeSnobNYC said...

JB,

I refuse to be labeled or to conform to your mainstream values!

--Me At That Age

bad boy of the north said...

I guess this means it's throwback Thursday.it's better than throw up Thursday.

Bryan Bracy said...

I'm in the top ten, so I got that going for me.

Anonymous said...

And here I was thinking it was distasteful when my daughter thoughtlessly wore a sorry-not-sorry T-shirt on the day we went to the OKC Memorial...

Two degrees said...

I bypassed teddy's crap and read those that are really important

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 10:25am,

I suspect if there were a quiz called "Bible Verse or '80s Death Metal Lyric?" very few people would be able to tell the difference.

--Wildcat Etc.

N/A said...

"Slaves, Hebrews, born to serve to the pharaoh. Heed, to his every word, live in fear. Faith Of the unknown one, the deliverer."

N/A said...

Lots of damn earworms this week.

Some guy from upstate said...

You forced me to read the entire USAC waiver to see if you made any clever edits to it. You seem to have wisely concluded that it is amusing enough in its natural state. A couple weeks ago, I went on a guided bike tour in New Orleans which consisted of riding around slowly on cruiser-style bikes while our guide related interesting tidbits of local history. It was nice. Before the tour, I had to sign a waiver that said, among other things, "bicycling is inherently dangerous". The most dangerous thing about it was the mid-ride beignet stop.

Synonymous said...

Wish I could be there in Philly, but didn't apply for my visa soon enough. Check out the hand-built bikes from Iowa. Stunning designs. Check out the Iowa Design, Build, Ride seminar on Saturday too.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Coulda' been a contenda, SCRANUS!

Anonymous said...

The Lajestic Vantrashell of Lob
The Lajestic Vantrashell of Lob is a small man with a strange hat who guards God's Final Message to His Creation (We apologize for the Inconvenience), and who sells Arthur and Fenchurch a ticket to it before passing them on a scooter and imploring them to "keep to the left". Introduced by Prak in the epilogue to the novel Life, the Universe and Everything, he finally appears towards the end of the novel So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish when we also realize that he has been a regular visitor to Wonko The Sane, who describes angels with golden beards and green wings, Dr Scholl sandals, who eat nachos and do a lot of coke. He says that he runs a concession stand by the message and when Wonko says "I don't know what that means" he says "no, you don't"

Bryan said...

Not even a good picture of the tomb? Lame. Have fun in Philly. Eat a cheesesteak for me.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Wait, Jesus has a tomb? My 1960's Catholic school education insisted there was this whole big ascension thing on the 40th day of Easter, or 39 days after Easter for the avoidance of confusement. I always envisioned it was like the end of the Wizard of Oz, where Dorothy is going home, except Toto behaved and Dorothy didn't get out of the balloon basket to fetch him. Now you tell me Jesus has a tomb.

Sadly I am not going to be able to see Snob on Saturday afternoon, due to other commitments. Next year in Israel, as they say at Passover!

Anonymous said...

Rock Lobster!

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

Well, That was annoying.

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

Lt. 'O',

The tomb was just a holding pattern for 'Da Lawd' before he got up for Easter Services. Sister is going to rap your knuckles with that pointer thing for not remembering that.

Grump said...

You could probably make some good coin selling pieces of the "TRUE CROSS" to visitors to the tomb. Find some really old driftwood, split it apart and BAM, $250 for a toothpick size piece. Out of every 100 people who laugh at you, you'd find one "true believer".

Anonymous said...

You were a pretty studly looking young man. What happened??

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

POC, sorry, that tomb looked like a more permanent thing than what my upbringing has me picturing as a cave covered by a rock that Jesus rolled away on Easter morning to see what the Easter Bunny had left in his basket. I will take the knuckle rapping and then head to the principal's office and the spanking machine!

BamaPhred said...

Scranus. Laud your master, Lobbites!

Drock said...

On my way to Philly via Minni apple nutz and chi town so try and stall a little, I may be late.

Bible Verse or '80s Death Metal Lyric? said...

And I will kill her children with death!!!!!!

Bible Verse or '80s Death Metal Lyric? said...

Chorus:
I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the ending,
I am Alpha and Omega, the first and the last,
I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end,
I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end, the first and the last!!!!

Spence said...

Good luck at the Expo, hope you share something in a future post to promote biking to work.

Bible Verse or '80s Death Metal Lyric? said...

The sea gave up the dead which were in it,
Death and hell delivered up the dead!!!!

Thulsa Doom said...


Purging is at last at hand.
Day of Doom is here.
All that is evil, all their allies;
your parents, your leaders,
those who would call themselves your judges;
those who have lied and corrupted the Earth,
they shall all be cleansed."

Anonymous said...

Looks like a regular stone to me...have a great trip to Philly, and run up those stairs for me.

Bible Verse or '80s Death Metal Lyric? said...

Not everyone considers this the Bible, but in researching the quiz above I found his, perhaps apropos of this Saturday:

Rev. 3-7 And to the angel of the church in Philadelphia write; These things saith he that is holy, he that is true, he that hath the key of David, he that openeth, and no man shutteth; and shutteth, and no man openeth;

Perhaps not.

leroy said...

Well this is explains why my dog told me he won't be around this weekend due to a house sitting gig.

My dog says a bunch of his friends are coming over to help out at no extra charge.

I'm sure everything will be fine even though I'm not sure we agree on what "house broken" means.

Ride, sit, stay safe all!

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 12:07pm,

25 years of subsequent life on the planet Earth.

--Wildcat and so forth

Anonymous said...

"SPOILER ALERT: There was not such person as Jesus"

100 people named Jesus, 99 of whom are real.


Alos.

Anonymous said...

Will be driving down from NH to see you speak at the bike expo. Hopefully I won't be stuck in the back and can hear you, too.

Mike in Dallas said...

Here's hoping everyone attending hands WCRM a signed waiver; like a dean handing out diplomas gets a marble from every student walking up on stage...

Anonymous said...


Also again, an argument similar to this one can be made that there was/is such person as Jesus.

Unsalted said...

An the Lobster looked upon the butter and decided it was good. Boy, was the lobster ever in for a surprise.

dancesonpedals said...

EZ pass sent me the orange letter of death after I passed through the Tappan Zee toll booth at 28 mph a second time. After a sufficiently self abasing letter (don't think of me...think of my family members on the account) I was reinstated.

I have been humiliated for driving with a dead account. (credit card on the account was cancelled after I lost the card...wife threw out the dunning notices from ez pass because they looked like junk mail.). The Whitestone toll gate stayed down and an attendant took my windshield tag away..the family was caravanning with about 8 teenagers, so tags were lifted from both cars

grog said...

Philly Pubic transit is still on strike.
No subway, trolley, or light rail.
Car traffic has jammed the city.
Scranus.

The Garden of Earthly Delights said...

And in the Garden of Eden was Adam, Babble and Adam's Serpent. And Babble tasted from the Serpent and found it to be good.

Homer S said...

Grog @ 1:12 Does that mean restaurants can't get Cheese Steak supplies delivered?

The News of the Day said...

Dances at 1:10 One of the more disturbing stories I've recently encountered, right up there with the daily Trump disclosure. PS: Our house was paid off after decades of payments. Bank mailed us a free and clear deed, wife thought it was just another credit card offer and threw it away.

BamaPhred said...

Sorry, I missed the metal thing
.
.
.
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

Keeping 40 Days of Desert Sun Off said...

I wonder if Jesus ordered a limited edition hat before they were all gone.

Jesus Quintana said...

"Nobody fucks with the Jesus."

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Those EZ Pass notice/threats only come from New York State controlled tollbooths as far as I can tell. On the NJ Turnpike or the Garden State Parkway I think they figure if you can speed through one of those tolls it averages out with all the times you measured your time waiting at one with a calendar. At least I've never received the orange letter from EZ Pass. I will note that I can neither confirm or deny whether or not I have sped through a toll booth in NJ though. And my EZ Pass account is with New York, as an alter cocker I got EZ Pass before NJ had its own EZ Pass bureaucracy.

JLRB said...

I'd enjoy the talk but won't go to Philly. Those who can attend - please make a bootleg video on their smartalecphone and post it. Unless the USAC form thing says you can't.

McFly said...

STEP 1: Cut a Hole in the Box

McFly said...

I pray David Lynskey will be curating Jesus's titanium upgrade.

Ahhhhhhhhhhmeeen

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said ...

Back in NYC. Weather is tha same as Miami - Syracuse-like mid winter darkness, 75 degree + humidity, with a dash of smugness. No palm trees though.

Sorry I will miss yuo Snob, I do encourage those available to attend, the show is great. Even better with Snob.

I would have brought small bags of various sizes of gravelle upon which to do gravel stunts inside.

vsk

dancesonpedals said...

You can tell who's received the orange letters by the way we crawl through the tolls in front of Stew Leonard's at 5 mph

Anonymous said...

I filled out my release form, hope to do some gravel grinding at the symposium on saturday.

crosspalms said...

Drock,
Cubmaggedon here in Chicago on Friday: victory parade, monster rally, drunken suburbanites, rumors they'll dye the river blue. Just a warning it might not be easy to squeak through this place. Plus, every highway that was a bad idea in the first place is being rebuilt to be a more efficient bad idea.

Snob, hope your seminary attracts many initiates -- sorry I can't make it!

Cat 404 said...

Are clown bikes as creepy as clowns? I'm mean if you see a clown bike just sitting around you have to think there's a hidden clown in the area, right?

Gov. Guilty, who would think it. said...

Dances Gov. Christie can help you get across that bridge. Might take a while though.

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

Lt. 'O'

I had the same vision of a cave with a big rock at the enterence. We must have gotten that image from Jethro Tull, Hymn 43

Oh well, I saw him in the city
And on the mountains of the moon, hey, hey
His cross was rather bloody, oh
And they could hardly roll his stone
Now, Jesus save me,

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Gov. Guilty, Christie Kreme donuts didn't go national in 2016 for one simple reason. You can't put enough frosting and sprinkles on lard stuffed with bullshit to make it taste better.

David Lopez said...

Did you know Jesus loves you?

JLRB said...

So if I have the correct account code I can watch Game of Thrones while driving my car?

Crosspalms - Congrats on the Cubs win - Great series for a fan of neither team but the game as a whole. [Now please break up the team and let some other teams have some fun]

BikeSnobNYC said...

JLRB,

I think if you buy the premium package then yes, you can drive and watch.

--Wildcat Etc.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

JLRB, of course data usage and roaming rates may apply though!

Snob, do you ever get any flak about the Latin in the BSNYC Seal of Disapproval when it is so prominently displayed as it was in the Transportation Alternatives' commentary you linked to today? I do find its acceptance by other organizations to be impressive.

crosspalms said...

JLRB,
Wasn't that something?Thrilling and exhausting, and a lot of fun moments of those guys just enjoying themselves.

Anonymous said...

Is Erie, PA the ass end of Pennsylvania?

Freddy Murcks said...

We should all aspire to taking off as many days as Wild Rock Cat Machine. I can't remember the last time he "worked" a full week.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Freddy Murcks,

It may blow your mind to know my vast media empire requires me to "work" even when you think I'm not.

--Wildcat Etc.

Anonymous said...

Being a stay at home dad is tough. I had to retire from it and go back to the office.

Holy Roller said...

At long last, the sinners are talking about Jesus, and it's not even Easter or Christmas! I will pray for their souls.

Arizona redneck said...

Philadelphia?
I hear they murder peaceable world traveling robots there...
Beware amigo

JLRB said...

When is the vast media empire going multi-media? Is the podcast still a work in progress.

Crosspalms - I felt a little bit of pain for the peeps of Cleveland until I read about Lebron's Trolling the GSW about blowing their 3-1 lead

wishiwasmerckx said...

Freddy, he also pens an extensive series of cheesy romance novels under the pen name Peen McQueen.

Hey, don't judge. This free blog doesn't pay the bills. Do you have any idea how much his Captain Crunch bill is just for serving daily breakfast to 17 snot-nosed runts?

That's what he means by: "It may blow your mind to know my vast media empire requires me to "work" even when you think I'm not."

N/A said...

So today it was cold and rainy and I didn't feel like riding in that. I decided to tinker in the basement doing random bikey stuffs. I had some brand new Paselas to install. I even had some new tubes, too. Really livin' high. So I serviced the hubs and even took the free hub apart. Polished the rims. Put it all back together, listened to some tunes, enjoyed some gin and juice, etc. Get it all done, stand back to admire my work, and notice that the rear tire was mounted with the label on the non-drive side. Lobdamnit. I wanted to leave it, but I thought to myself, what would Leroy's dog do? So I flipped that bitch and mounted it proper.

bad boy of the north said...

Capt'n Crunch is a roof of your mouth killer.still good though.

JLRB said...

Allow me to vent (in oher words ignore the rest of this poat)

We are our own worst enemy. Right before my office there is a street that is one way during rush (crawl) hour. I cut into it the wrong way for half a block between lights when there is no one there to avoid a three block work around. Lazy fuck, I know. Today as I turned on to it facing me half a block away, waiting for the light to release him in my direction, was a fellow bikecyclist in full fred attire with head lamp ablaze. he was in his far left lane - my far right lane I use for my short cut. behind him was a piece of construction equipment so I thought - good - no cars will jump the light and try to maim me today (an occasional problem).

But, you guessed it, my fellow Fred has to leave the light early and point his bike straight at me - not even moving to the right side of his lane to give me a little room - and then he scolds me. Of course, having the impulse control of a 3 year old, I respond in kind, which leads to 25 or so pedestrians thinking - cyclists are a bunch of assholes. Amen.

wishiwasmerckx said...

N/A, "So I flipped that bitch and mounted it proper."

Wait, are we still talking about bike tires?

Anonymous said...

"I flipped that bitch and grabbed it by the puzzy"

N/A said...

A gentleman never tells.

william t sherman said...

If I had my choice I would kill every reporter in the world, but I am sure we would be getting reports from hell before breakfast.

Where's that confounded bridge said...

Two top allies to New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie (R) on Friday were convicted of involvement in a scheme to close down lanes on the George Washington Bridge to exact political retribution.
Bill Baroni, a key Christie appointee to the Port Authority, and Bridget Kelly, Christie's former deputy chief of staff, were convicted of a slew of charges including conspiracy, fraud and deprivation of civil rights.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

If Wildstein does less jail time than Baroni and Kelly as a result of his plea that will be a travesty. That Christie remains unindicted and can follow Trump around with his nose up The Donald's ass and say he knew nothing of this stinks in so many ways. During the Republican primaries Trump said this about Christie which is one of the few times I felt he was speaking the truth.

Enjoy the weekend!

Anonymous said...

Yaba daba doooooo

bieks said...

Day and a half late to the show. How am I the only one to realize I have 100 years to get to Philly?:

two-thousand one hundred and sixteenth year

Should be enough time to get there on my Brompton. See you in 2116.

Geddy Lee said...

2112

No Shit said...

Fox News and the trump campaign lied about Hillary on verge of being indicted and won't back off the claims now that it is proven false. The FBI does not even issue indictments. They can't even get their lies right. And NY FBI is in pocket of Guliani who is a complete elitist scumbag.

bieks said...

Never mind, Nov 5th, 2116 is a Thursday. I have to work.

Bruce said...

On the streeeeeets of Pheeladelphia

Elto said...

Freedo

Circle said...

I'm no angle

bad boy of the north said...

Come on...get to ninety.i hope everyone had fun with our fearless leader yesterday and still having a good time today in the city of brotherly love

Roll and Stone said...

91st Nervous Breakdown.

Vote Early and Vote Often said...

Deprivation on the GWB. How half of society has slid down and down and down to the level of Gov. Krispy Kreme and The Donald and Rudy the Raindeer and the Newt'ster. Now here's question for next Friday's quiz, combined total number of marriages for those four (hint: those family values party guys, they sure do value families).

wishiwasmerckx said...

We haven't been to 100 comments since, well, this blog was popular.

C'mon, people, we can get there if we just pull together.

bad boy of the north said...

94

Spinning said...

95

Synchronizing power meter and iPhone apps said...

96

Searching for plump rump to ride behind said...

97

One last inhaler blast said...

98

Engaging electric motor said...

99

bieks said...

99 years 363 days to the expo

bieks said...

Oh, 101

JLRB said...

Throws plastic bike into wall in disgust

bieks said...

Aw, snap... Crackle. Pop

Doesn't Deserve a Title said...

No **** @ 750 "Guliani who is a complete elitist scumbag."

Does he have to be elitist? Can't he just be a plain old scumbag?

BamaPhred said...

Got my mechanical fixed. Am I too late for the sprint? Lol.

Mr. Doom said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
plastic injection molding said...

Philly Bike Expo, mid-Atlantic city famous for cracked bells and cheese steaks.

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