Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Let's Clip in and Roll Out!



(Cipollini's starting to look like William H. Macy)

Further to yesterday's post, the media continues to examine Sydney's successful effort to position itself as the world's most bicycle-hostile city:

There is however another way to keep cyclists safe. It’s to get them off our roads, footpaths and cycle lanes entirely. This can perhaps be achieved through enacting legislation that penalises cyclists with massive fines for minor traffic infringements such as not wearing a helmet or cycling without a bell attached to the handlebars.

Governments can also rip up existing infrastructure and force cyclists on to traffic-clogged roads. They can allow the police force to target minor infringements by cyclists, rather than focus on motorists who speed, text while driving or drive under the influence of drugs or alcohol. In short, a government can create an environment where the cyclist is seen as an unwanted guest on our roads, rather than as a husband, wife, mother, daughter, son commuting to work or school.

To the best of my knowledge, this bold experiment is only occurring in one place on earth: New South Wales.

Hey, scoff if you will, but this is the perfect time for anti-bike forces to implement a similar scheme here in New York City.  Ordinarily our city's safe streets advocates act as Gatekeepers of Smugness, attending community board meetings and assiduously scanning the media for victim-blaming and excessive use of the word "accident."  Now, however, they're so wrapped up in tweeting about Trump and putting (((parentheses around their names))) that it's only a matter of time before some legislator passes a helmet law or makes it so that you need a "B" endorsement code on your drivers license in order to ride a bicycle.

Then again, I'm not sure it even matters, because Fredly video game Zwift is more popular than ever and soon we'll all be riding inside anyway:


If you haven’t heard of Zwift, founded two years ago in Long Beach, Ca., you aren’t alone. But investors have been following the company. Its massive, multiplayer video game technology, which caters to indoor cyclists, just attracted $27 million in Series A funding in a round that brings Zwift’s total funding to $45 million.

$45 million?!?  What do they even do with all that money?  Granted, I don't know much about the tech industry, but it seems like all you need to run Zwift is a couple of computer nerds, a bong, and a "Fred consultant" who says stuff like "his socks should be higher" or "her sunglasses should be under her helmet straps."

Then again, I suppose if Zwift does finally rid the roads of Freds once and for all then it will be money well spent:



Perhaps the government of New South Wales should consider investing.

Indeed, as a recovering Fred myself the world of road weenie-ism has become one I no longer recognize, and as you can see from my primitive metal bicycle I've fallen way off the back:


Speaking of this bicycle, it came with the inexpensive Shimano wheels you see above, and while at first they sort of offended my Fredly sensibilities they've proven to be more than serviceable so far--though if I knew anything about quality I'd immediately upgrade to some Zipps that cost ten times as much:


I like quality. I dig greatness. When I sit down to read fiction, I want an author who’ll reach with mad ambition, which is to say I’ll read Thomas Pynchon rather than 50 Shades of Awful Prose. This, I admit, is a bias. But it’s one that has served me well. I’ve done my best work when I chase my personal sense of excellence and don’t worry about how esoteric the final product might be. That experience has taught me to trust and respect those who do the same. I believe I have a duty to extend others that same opportunity to stretch.

When I buy wine, I’d rather buy three really good bottles than a case of dreck.

Yes, and when I make analogies I make way too many when just one would do.

Is there a corollary to Godwin's Law that says any review of high-end cycling equipment must at some point make a facile comparison to wine?

And if those wheels are the rolling equivalent of reading Pynchon just imagine how good the ones with the biomimetic whale ridges must be:


Think of a humpback whale’s fast but graceful movements...

Yeah, I'm thinking of whale moves, but I still don't get it:



Jeez, get a room, you two.

A big one.

Lastly, now that Rapha are opening stores all over the world, Assos wants you to remember they're still the original Eurodouche brand.  To that end, they've fired a shot over Rapha's pink-accented bow by opening a concept store in London, where you can gaze at their finery from under the chamois cream-slathered scranus of the Assos Guy himself:



Much more than just showcasing essential cycling apparel, the ASSOS Boutique London is at the intersection where performance meets practicality. 

I see no practicality in evidence.

While also being a place for personal fittings and picking up tips and tricks for how to dress on the bike, it'll serve as inspiration with live race screenings and in-depth chats over coffee about riding and racing. 

So like a Rapha Cycling Club, but for people who use styling products in their hair.

Anyway, I checked out their Instagram using the suggestive hashtag #ASSOSLDN, and I note that you can try on their clothes while grinding away on an SRM bike:


When you try on cycle clothing, you normally don't have the chance to test it until you're on your bike. By that time, you would have likely found out that the clothes you're wearing doesn't fit, causing discomfort and inefficiency. Here at #ASSOSLDN, we offer everyone the option to try all our garments and test them on our SRM bike to ensure the perfect fit
.
Yikes.  Does that include the shorts?  I really hope they wash the merchandise afterwards.

Eeew.

77 comments:

Anonymous said...

WoooHooo

N/A said...

"These girls' legs are gonna' look like this"
-Mario Cipollini

Anonymous said...

Turd or is that 3rd?

Anonymous said...

RKP "the Soul of Cycling"

James said...

Early doors.

Rake in the Money said...

I'm sorry to read about the poor chap in the below article, but here we have another Australian first. Mandatory safe life for bicycle components:-

http://www.smh.com.au/business/consumer-affairs/should-there-be-a-safe-life-for-bicycle-parts-20161117-gss41s.html

First with mandatory helmet laws, first with record fines and now first with mandatory bicycle obsolescence. Woohoo.

Unicyclist said...

I just read half a Pynchon. It's good, but that's enough.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Top Ten Tuesday.

Scranus.

JuanOffhue said...

Any desire I had to visit Australia is rapidly waning. New Zealand still looks good, though.

Chazu said...

Chronic early-ness is not an antidote for tardiness.

N/A said...

"Chronic" earliness would be precluded by tardiness, no?

Anonymous said...

By Scranus this is an early post! How very productive of you Snob... asthma acting up this morning?

leroy said...

Oh great. Now my dog wants to go to London to see if they'll really let him try on bibs.

I'm sure they will. Just not sure about them letting him cut a tail hole.

Dooth said...

Ah, but those Zipps are susceptible to Pynchon flats.

Anonymous said...

fred kite prayer

JLRB said...

I got your Pynchon right here

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Scranus, top twenty pack fodder!

I don't see Mario Cippolini humping a gravesite like William H. Macy did in Shameless though!

Sax Huret said...

Retire a Fred or live long enough to see yourself become a retro grouch.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to find NOS 20.0 mm quill stems.

Old timer said...

Huh? What?

bieks said...

So much more than a bike blog. You've enlightened me on the latest form of slacktivism.
((())) Excuse me, I have to go find someone whose twitter name is "*"

Bryan said...

Assos dude looks like Super Douche!
Cycling really does feel like it's only for the rich at times - with wheels that cost more than my actual crabon bike! Really Good Wine is the stuff that comes in $20 bottles, right? I guess someone with multiple Zip wheels doesn't blink with a bottle in the triple digits.

If The Wife won't let me buy a bottle of wine that costs over $25 for the BOTH of us, no way in hell she will let me spend a grand or more on a wheelset just for myself.

Drock said...

"Socks aren't high enought" funny stuff that is. I thought the land down under was a group of tough guys, just smack the damn law officer in the face, do a uturn, and keep uturning till they give up. Has the criminal heritage been evolved out of them? Maybe we shouldnt share to much of what is happening down under, they rarely make the news for any reason so let's keep it that way. Let's all stay away cause they got spiders that'll kill ya. Now as for cycling gear CVS xlarge women's tights at $5 is a great find, only get one riding season out of them but $5. Watch out a man in women's tight coming around, and your PED's are also there so one stop shopping.

Double Your Pleasure said...

"Jeez, get a room, you three"

The photographer said to Cipo & babes as Cipo started riding the two newest members of his peloton.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Drock - "Has the criminal heritage been evolved out of them?" The saying "there is nothing worse than a reformed drunk" seems to apply tenfold to reformed criminals.

Snob, I wear my glasses under my helmet straps, what I thought was incorrect frediquette, consistent with not shaving my legs.

In addition to being a bike fred, I am also a bit of a car fred, and saw this video clip on Fast N' Loud Demolition Theater. A bunch of Russian freds riding on what looks like a real highway, videoing of course, and one of them is passed on the right by a tractor trailer tanker and gets sideswiped by the tanker. Scary!

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Whatever we think of the Assos brand and its related smugness and douchery, I think we can all agree that Lady Assos is pretty ok though!

TriTrump of the Will said...

Starting January 21st people with loud hair will not be allowed into the Aryan Nation. All airports will be on high alert. Salons expected to do a landslide business in blond dye jobs leading up to the 20th.

hoghopper said...

RKP, lol. Devoted to the ever-shrinking Venn intersection of men (1) young enough to still pedal, (2) old enough that their cycling heroes rode bike frames made in Europe, (3) who remember waiting for Winning to come in the mail, and (4) who still aspire in cycling ways.

Hey, fellas. Marketing has moved on. #yonder

Freddy Murcks said...

"When I sit down to read fiction, I want an author who’ll reach with mad ambition, which is to say I’ll read Thomas Pynchon rather than 50 Shades of Awful Prose. This, I admit, is a bias. But it’s one that has served me well. I’ve done my best work when I chase my personal sense of excellence and don’t worry about how esoteric the final product might be. That experience has taught me to trust and respect those who do the same. I believe I have a duty to extend others that same opportunity to stretch."

What the fuck was that? I was so befuddled by that pretentious word salad and all the mixed metaphors that I have no idea what that was even about. Is he talking about his Viagra engorged dick and the fleshlight that he preparing to stick it into ? It sure seems like he might be. And by the way, Thomas Pynchon is pretentious, unreadable garbage.

Spokey said...


top

oh whatever

Hee Haw the Barista said...

Gavity's Rain BLOWS ... Amirite?

JLRB said...

LT.O - you are on to something with the ASOS ladies, no matter how esoteric the product might be.

wle said...

pynchon - "gravity's rainbow" was one of the few books i was forced to stop reading.

there's just plain ''good'', and then there is ''too good to be understood''..

that **** was a mystery and not in a good way...

by the end, i was looking for some kind of foot note that would say "read this from right to left" or something, it would have made just as much sense...


wle


leroy said...

Well I don't know about Red Kite Prayer, I often like their writing, but when I sit down to read fiction it's my dog's expense reports.

I mean Assos resort wear, what even is that?

grog said...

A whale of a tale
and it's all true,
I swear by my tattoo.

Good Luck With That said...

"Many people think you should mind your own business and talk about pussy-grabbing less, but hey, life is a constant disappointment," Jess Phillips, a lawmaker for the opposition Labour Party, said on Twitter

BamaPhred said...

BSNYC, your one stop source for the latest in cycling info and as a bonus, red hot xxx whale sex.

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said ...

Thank goodness for Assos Lady.

Pretentious Word Salad ... I'll definitely use that in some of my facebook fights.

vsk

Dooth said...

When I sit down to read blogs, I want a blogger who'll reach for ass itching, which is to say...Scranus.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Assos Lady has a name.

And douches always get lucky.

Anonymous said...

I regret what has not happened, yet

1904 Cadardi said...

Hey Leroy,

Does your dog have any Pynchon Frise friends?

Anonymous said...

How a man must feel, sitting on the SRM bike, in the middle of the boutique, surrounded by kuku penthouses in various colourways, with an Assos sales associate catering to the whims of the scranus and surrounding organs.

A narcissist's dream.

Spokey said...


has anyone ever seen the Assos Guy and Liev Schreiber in the same room?

N/A said...

The Assos Guy, Liev Schreiber, and Non-Plussed Bibshorts Guy walk into a bar...

Mario C said...

I sleepa wit dees many weemen tonight...

CommieCanuck said...

The Assos Guy, Liev Schreiber, and Non-Plussed Bibshorts Guy walk into a bar...

Bartender says, "no drinks for you, you're all a bunch of assos".

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Liv Schreiber doesn't need any stinkin' Assos! The Mercedes CLS with the bottomless trunk of white dress shirts in his size that he drives on Ray Donovan is actually his own personal vehicle.

Anonymous said...

RKP - "The Shill of Cycling" His s__t takes the "vertorial" out of advertorial!

ClevelandYeah said...

Suicide Bomber Squirrel? I've had a few near misses.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2016/11/22/suicide-bomber-squirrel-hospitalizes-chicago-politician-who-spoke-out-against-squirrels/

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

You guys....you make me smile after a hard work a day.

Today I walked into my favorite Madison Ave lunchateria and the first sight that greeted me was an employee of the establishment eliminating a scranal itch with a deep third finger massage to the general scranal triangle. He was knuckle deep.

I ate elsewhere and will continue to do so for the forseeable future.

Frickus Rungus said...

assos squirrel!

bad boy of the north said...

Perhaps assos could open such a place in Sydney.i wonder how successful that would be.

daviel said...

Does Assos have STD insurance?

M Twain said...

I never read Thomas Pynchon, but I do watch Monty Python.

Making Crotches Great Again said...

The Donald is going to make all restaurant employees go into the back room to scratch their crotches.

Bogusboy said...

$100 shorts are not essential....

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

@Clevelandyeah, that Washington Post is such a third-rate publication. No mention at all as to whether or not alderman Howard B. Brookins Jr. was wearing a helment when the suicide bomber squirrel wrapped itself around the alderman's bike spokes. Fer chissakes he suffered a concussion, we need to know if there was a helment on that mellon!

Anonymous said...

I pray that racing one's avatard is not the game changer Assos is zipping towards.

Anonymous said...

Penis Envy

ClevelandYeah said...

@LtObli I couldn't believe helment no helment wasn't mentioned either. I thought that was reporting 101. What are these kids being taught nowadays?

Persia said...

What commenter Dreck fails to recall is that Australia was started up as penal colony because the previous one in North America had "gone out of business" in 1776. So there's a "criminal heritage" our two countries share, Dreck, old boy.

McFly said...

Or......"her socks should be under her helmet straps..."

Chris Hardwick said...

Points

Anonymous said...

Obvious trick, skip a day just because, so tard you are early.
Like hipsters in Denver

Anonymous said...

The facts are rigged

Anonymous said...

Persia = Iran = isis = Obama founded Persia

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I thought Canada's and Mexico's scranus was founded on the a basis of religious freedom. The pilgrim/puritans left England for Holland and the came to America for religious freedom. They found England and Holland to be much too free religiously so they came here to have their strict rules.

N/A said...

The pilgrim/puritans came to America for the Black Friday sales and pumpkin spice lattes, dude.

The Donald said...

FUCK ALL THOSE CHINESE MEXICAN JOBS...(after black Friday, please, got a sweet deal on a walk-in fridge with 50" 4K screen).

Perfectionist in crisis said...

Glasses go over helmet straps.
Glasses go under helmet straps.
Glasses go on top of helmet upside down.
Glasses go on top of helmet right side up.

I am so confused. I am going to eat some turkey.

marcus bowline said...

the rabbit goes up the hole, around the tree and back down the hole

bcstractor said...

You do realise that Cipollini is making the British "FU" sign.

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