Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Too Much Fred for One Head

Sorry I'm late, I was doing the mountain biking:


Suckers.

Anyway, further to yesterday's post about how Clif is selling an energy food remarkably similar to baby food and that Freds might as well just eat actual baby food because it's cheaper (whew!), not just any pedantic asshole but THE Pendantic Asshole weighed in (so to speak) with the following:

THE Pedantic Asshole said...

Did not a single one of you pedantic assholes alert Snob to the fact that he got the Gu pricing totally wrong? In both, the cost should be price/calorie, not price/volume or weight. In this case, the Gu costs 1.6 cents Mercan and the baby food is at 2.4 cents (also Mercan). 

You could pay next to nothing for a bag of sawdust, but that's not going to give you what you need to get on the KOM tables.

September 28, 2016 at 5:37 AM

This is a very good point.  Furthermore, I take any allegation of fraud seriously.  Me and Dave Brailsford:


("See this?  It's called 'marginal gains.'  No TUE required.")

So let's take a closer look at THE Pedantic Asshole's math.  As for as the cents-per-calorie price on the Clif, for a 140-calorie pouch priced at $2.37 I get 1.69 cents, which I'd round up to 1.7 cents.

Now onto the baby food.  The pouch I happened to use as an example yesterday contained a mere 70 calories, which does come to over 2 cents a calorie as THE Pedantic Asshole correctly points out.  However, baby food is all over the place, both literally (take a look at any given baby, they've got that crap all over them half the time) and calorically speaking.  Consider this bag of Plum Organics checkpea & tomato with beef, and I just threw up in my mouth while typing that:

This will cost you $1.99 from Buy Buy Baby (and no, I'm not getting kickbacks from Buy Buy Baby, they just come up high in the results when you use a popular search engine so they make a convenient reference), but it's got 110 calories in it:

That comes to 1.8 cents per gram, which is a bit more than the Clif, but inconsequentially so.  Indeed, for simplicity's sake, you might as well just round up and say both the Clif and the Plum Organics go for about 2 cents a calorie.

Furthermore, just as some baby food has more calories, some Clif stuff has less.  I happened to pick a flavor with 140 calories per bag, but the banana mango coconut (oh god I just barfed again) has just 100 calories:

See?


Though in fairness it is a bit cheaper, but still in line with an equivalent baby food.

So yes, in light of THE Pedantic Asshole, I do acknowledge that as far as calories go you are not paying a premium for Fred baby food over regular baby food, but I also maintain that Fred baby food is still pretty much exactly baby food and you might as well just use all this crap interchangeably.

If it's priced like baby food, puréed like baby food, and packaged in a squeezable pouch for an end user who lacks motor skills, then guess what?

That shit's baby food, baby.

And most important of all, STOP LEAVING YOUR ENERGY FOOD PACKETS ALL OVER THE PLACE.  Really, all this baby food craze means is you're going to see even more trash left behind after your local Gran Fondo.

Moving on, the Guardian asks, "Will car drivers ever learn to share the road with bikes?"


And while obviously the answer is a resounding "Not in a zillion years," I'm still flattered to have been quoted in the article:

The New York blogger and author Eben Weiss says the city’s new bike lanes legitimised cycling, telling people “this is something you can be doing, and should be doing.”

“It’s an important symbol to see a bike lane or a sign with a picture of a bike – it means something,” he says. “I started seeing lots more cyclists. And pick any street where they have built an actual protected bike lane. If you’re just walking down that street, it makes a huge difference when cars aren’t encroaching on every inch of the space. You can see around the corner when you’re trying to cross the street.”

By the way, I should clarify that the bike sign I'm referring to is this one:


Though I'm sure the advocacy community will take my quote to mean I'm a proponent of sharrows (in the bike advocacy world sharrows are almost as bad as swastikas) and punish me accordingly.  Fortunately, the harshest penalty bike advocates mete out to heretics is revoking your Park Slope Food Co-op membership, but since I'm not a member in the first place that means I pretty much have smugness immunity.

Lastly, speaking of Gran Fondos, a reader just sent me this:


"One of the best parts of cycling is all the new gear that comes out," explains Levi, which now marks the third time I've thrown up whilst "curating" today's post.  Then he adds, "I recently came across a product that totally changed my view on how to handle sweat:"



Wait, don't tell me!  Was it a fan hat?  It's a fan hat, isn't it?  Please tell me it's a fan hat:


No, apparently it's that weird green unibrow on his head:


Which to be honest I barely even noticed, since I just figured it was some sort of monitoring device he's got to wear whenever he leaves the house as per the terms of the UCI Reasoned Decision.

Either that, or it's how he calls the Mother Ship to take him back to Planet Boring after the ride:


Or else it's what fans wave in the air during Letle Viride concerts:


Anyway, it should be fun watching Freds crash while they attempt to peel and stick their sweat-channeling unibrows mid-ride:


Look for lots of these things on the side of the road along with all those baby food packets.

76 comments:

Seattle lone wolf said...

Happy National Drink Beer Day scranus

James said...

second!

Dave - Everywheere said...

Numero Uno!

Anonymous said...

Found a hole in the sprint pile up - Total wild card! yippee!

Knorrwall said...

Nosferatu gives us the fluorescent green-unibrow-for-charity:

https://gallery.mailchimp.com/video_thumbnails/250edc21aebf9d793cc10b5f1a1fd04f.png

"A free Veo Strip is part of your rider bag. It may seem odd at first, but you'll be surprised to see how well it works! Wear it during the ride to raise money for the King Ridge Foundation, courtesy of Veo Strip.
A Word From Levi Leipheimer."

more at levisgranfondo.com



P.S. >Out on the road, 21% of all cars are white and 8% are blue, so it wouldn’t be wrong to say that blue cars are slowed down by white cars; if all those white cars suddenly vanished, the blue cars could go faster.

weasel said...

Top Ten

wle said...

weird - somehow i am number 7 posterer today...

though i have nothing to comment on..

..wait i do..

..amazing(ly dull) expose of calories per gram per cent-squared, or whatever that was, i dozed off..

wle

le Correcteur said...

Top ten! Really, calculating baby food prices to the 100th of a cent; you can, sure; but must you? And whoever the a**hole who took you to task is, he's way worse. But at least your underlying, near constant point about the absurdity and stupidity of road freds and bike freds in general is a worthy target.

All this, and I'll bet I still made the top ten!

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said ...


In the tennus ...



vsk

Anonymous said...

Cents per calorie? Then why don't you just buy a sack of sugar at Costco and make your own sugar-water mixture? You need to look at the full nutritional profile.

Regardless, that Clif stuff is baby food, pure and simple. I don't care if it costs more or costs less, IT'S BABY FOOD and any biped with teeth and 29 grams of self-respect shouldn't be voluntarily eating baby food.

bad boy of the north said...

baby gu...er,i mean,goo.

N/A said...

I take a wad of spinach leaves and tuck it between my cheek and gum like a wad of chaw, thus sustaining myself through the most epic of rides, strong to the finish!

anon with a small a said...

Ve strips...must be a joke-has to be.

Save the children but trash the planet with more disposable shit

N/A said...

I wonder how many pouches of the Fred goo-packets a normal person could slam down before explosive diarrhea set in?
Near as I can tell, exposure to crabon fibre counteracts the normal effects of those packets' contents in the digestive tracts, though it is common practice to abandon the opened packets as soon as the Freds are able, because once open the repulsive mixture gets everywhere and causes synthetic materials to disintegrate. Like bikeen "kits" and plastic bikes.

Wyatt Derp said...

I suppose a snickers and Coke at the gas station/convenience/mom&pop store is so yesterday.

Sax Huret said...

In my early 20s when I was destitute I would measure calories per cent, which meant I ate a lot of candy and drank a lot of sugared soda. Thanks for reminding me of the bad old days, Snob.

Anonymous said...

I'm not a sucker I like it here in my cube

Wyatt Derp said...

I dunno N/A, I'm looking at pictures of goo packs and explosive diarrhea is setting in!

DB said...

Mother Ship. Planet Boring.
Excellent work, Snob.

janinedm said...

That first pic gave me an idea for the next big thing: DAMP LEAF TIRES. Maybe damp leaf bikes? You know, they have a different geometry for balance and control during "pre-cyclocross season." And the tires are shaped like |_| instead of U "for lateral stability." I'll have a kickstarter goal of $500,000.

Anonymous said...

They misquoted you. I'm sure you said "...says the city’s new bike lanes legitimiZed cycling..."

No Ted today?

N/A said...

Janine, I will take a pair in 26", 27", and 700 sizeways. My favorite path is a tree-lined corridor along a river and it's gettin' slick out there.

Matt said...

Wasn't that very long ago when I was so poor that I was making my own "honey-bombs" (ref Honey Stinger gels, which were actually just honey and maybe some caffeine or something). I'd take cheap plastic sandwich bags, cut the 2 lower corners off, and would squeeze some honey into the cut-off-corner (a good tablespoon or so) and then twist it closed a few turns, then rubber-band over the twisted part, then fold it down and do more layers of stretched rubber band till I used all the rubber band. I could toss a bunch into a jersey pocket, and to teat you just hold it by the rubber band part and bite/tear the corner w/ your teeth and squeeze...pure cheap honey! However, the empty bomb-packs were only marginally less stickey than empty Gu wrappers in my empty jersey pocket. And I eventually had honey all over my hands/gloves/bars on every ride. But it was cheap!

Anonymous said...

What happened to Prolly? Is he still not Probably?

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 3:13pm,

He got a makeover and reinvented himself as the Retardavist...er, Radavist.

--Wildcat Etc.

grog said...

If they taste bad, then use them as paint. Face paint. Unibrow face paint. Green.
scranus

janinedm said...

I make my own energy shot gummies. here's the recipe:
Ingredients

1 1/2 cup juice, freshly squeezed (you can mix & match. any juice buy pineapple, the enzymes will break down the gelatin)
1/2 c. good quality gelatin (I use Great Lakes kosher beef gelatin)
3 Tbsp. raw honey
1/4 tsp. ginger (freshly grated with a microplane or ground)
1/4 tsp. turmeric (freshly grated with a microplane or ground)

Directions

In a small saucepan, whisk together citrus juice, fruit juice and gelatin until there are no lumps. Heat the liquid over low heat until liquid is warmed and gelatin is completely dissolved.

Remove from heat and stir in honey, ginger and turmeric with a spoon. Sometimes I'll add matcha, superfood powder, acai powder, whatever if it's around.

Pour liquid into a shape-molded ice/silicone tray (find it here) or pour it into a casserole dish*.

Refrigerate until liquid is set (at least 30 minutes).

Serve cold or at room temperature. (Can survive a longish ride without melting. It's really a LOT of gelatin)

Anonymous said...

Baby freds are almost as bad as cycling freds. Because of this, baby food is also over-priced.

2 fig newtons = 110 calories

24 pack for $8.48

Means, you can get 110 calories for $.70
Or, $.006/calorie

N/A said...

What kind of pressure do you run a baby?

Anonymous said...

Most modern parents put way too much pressure on their babies these days. Just like mountain bike tires, low-pressure parents are more fun.

Hoghopper said...

If it's cost per calorie, why aren't we all just eating Snickers and drinking Pepsi? The rest of you, I mean, because I already am.

1904 Cadardi said...

What happened to the good old days of a jersey pocket full of Cheeze-its?

Dooth said...

Is it really National Drink Beer day? Cheers!
The Celtic--Man City match is making me thirsty.

Anonymous said...

where can i get some chEck peas?

janinedm said...

@N/A, I don't think those tires would actually work. Planar surface tension something something would make it bulge and curve like any old tire and the extra seams are just more points of weakness. Making it the perfect product for duping crowdfunding Freds.

N/A said...

Damnit, yet another dream right down the old crapper. I hope that one day I am able to ride a biek that is damp-leaf-ready. I can only assume that Specialized already has their crack R&D team on the case.

Anonymous said...

N/A,

The worst case of road rash I've experienced thus far is the result of losing traction on wet leaves upon asphalt. It happened so quickly, I wasn't aware that I had crashed at first... but the searing pain of having my skin scraped off as I slid along the pavement caused me to wonder "when am I going to stop sliding...?"

Please, don't surrender your damp-leaf-ready dreams.

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

Another accounting of Bike SNOB
Shitty
Nonsense
Others
Buy.

N/A said...

I'm being silly about it, but all jokes aside, my most-often travelled stretch of bike path really is asphalt under a tree canopy. It is already getting some leaves now, and when they really get piled up and wet, it gets pretty exciting to ride my skinny tired roadie bike. I've taken a nice long slide or two when I've gotten too ambitious with a tight turn at speed (Not even woo-hoo-hoo speed, either). But I'm clumsy, so...
Fall time is the right time to switch to fatter tires, slower pace, and frequent stops for restorative ale breaks.

leroy said...

I don't mean to brag, but my dog and his friends are throwing another party for me.

He wrote my welcoming remarks.

Me: Hello, my name is leroy.

(Pause for response: "Hello, leroy")

Me: I'm a Fred.

(Pause for "well, duh" and similar comments.)

Me: I tried some raspberry baby food type gel at a Gran Fondo three weeks ago and it wasn't too bad; kind of tasty.

(Pause for shocked gasps.)

Me: Of course, I prefer big boy food like PB&J.

(Pause for congratulations on still tolerating solid food at my age.)

(After congratulations, go to wine cellar, bring back six bottles of the good Puligny-Montrachet. Serve with Cheetos. Plug in karaoke machine. Ask if I can get anyone anything else.)

JuanOffhue said...

My neighbor was riding his motorcycle home from work in a leisurely fashion one sunny afternoon and suddenly found himself on the pavement, sliding up our road along with his Sportster. When he got up, he slid off the crowned road without moving his feet, due to the fact that the street was covered with hydraulic oil.

About that time, the weekly training ride — which normally consists of at least a couple of dozen Freds — started to arrive. My neighbor waved his arms and tried to get the cyclists to stop, but they of course ignored him. Carnage ensued, but they all picked themselves up and carried on. The fire department arrived, followed by a street department truck that scattered sand on the road.

On his way home, my neighbor noticed a city-owned tractor pulled off the side of the road with a blown hydraulic line. He called the city, and they quickly agreed to pay for repairs to his motorcycle. Don’t know if any of the Freds collected.

EPOch Rider said...

Imagine the inexplicable tan line Veo could leave on a face.

Organic, maybe yes maybe no said...

Almost all protein, hardly any calories (as far as I know). Usually available for free. Babble might have recipe ideas.

Siginfcent Digits said...

"...you might as well just round up and say both the Clif and the Plum Organics go for about 2 cents a calorie."

Now that what I'm talking about.

Keith Schwetty said...

Damp Leaves Bikes! The Ultimate Vaporware. Nothing works on damp leaves. Damp leaves on their own are wicked slick; start stacking/sheathing 'em, like roofing shingles, and you've got world class slickery-ness: Nature's Teflon.
That Levi Leiphemer Sweat/Schmidt Fender is a total rip-off of the Halo Headband. Google 'em. Totally cool.
How the heck is that uni-brow "Levi-Gutter" s'posed to stay stuck to yer sweaty/schmidtty forehead?

Anonymous said...

Sad that the bike replaced the horse in the woods.

Kerry said...

Dear Wildcat Rock Machine,

I recently visited your city. I stayed in Brooklyn. I came to your city with some pre-conceptions on how much I would hate it. Some, but not all of those misconceptions have been dispelled. In no particular order here are my experiences and thoughts.

1. It had been 15 years since I lasted visited NYC. Maybe this is confirmation bias talking here but I noticed a LOT more cyclists now.

2. Although I was walking distance of the Brooklyn bridge I avoided it. Mostly because after years of reading your blogging I have become quite terrified of the possibility of being cat 6'ed by fellow pedestrians and/or being thrown to the ground by errant cyclists..

3. I got my first look at the citibike... My hotel was next to a city bike herding area. I didn't rent one because I didn't want to putz around with getting the card thingy...but, I did sit on one and make like the touring de france pose and I have the picture to prove it.. (let me know if you want said picture for your heckling pleasure.)

4. Have NY'ers lost some of their annoying mojo? I mean, I spent 5 days there and everyone I met was pleasant.. Maybe this Vision Zero thing is having the positive effect on personalities? 15 years ago I was insulted every hour or so..

5. Uber is transforming the city and making it accessible. (Nice anecdote: I left my camera in the car.. Sent Uber a text and the driver actually drove back and gave me my camera, thus dispelling my mis-conception that all NY'ers are a-holes. Thanks Michael the honest Uber Driver!

6. Ground Zero Memorial was a somber and well done site..

7. The Statue of Liberty was a pleasant surprise.. The Lion King was a slight disappointment.

8. The Singing cowboy has "TRUMP" written on the back of his BVD's.

9. Why is it so freaking hard to find waffels in your town? Every morning my wife and I roamed Brooklyn for a breakfasting establishment that served up some waffels.. We never found them.. Bagels... Plenty. French Toast, Sure.. Cronetts.. everywhere.. . But no damn French Toast.

Anyways, thanks to NYC for not mugging me when I was there... Although, that camera incident in the Uber made me think I was pick pocketed which was my first thought...

Love,
Tourist

Arizona hillbilly said...

Tell that crazy baldhead that Jah provide plenty of sweat management. Shoot the barber,bury the razor...

Rich Hell said...

Kerry, New York is a great place to visit now. But it was more fun to live in back in the day when tourists were few. I can take it or leave it each time.

McFly said...

Baby food in the motor spindle of the Fan Hat will void the warranty.

Knowledge is power. The more you know.

Soflo'd said...

Payday bar and a coke... yummm

Anonymous said...

So the Veo is a Sweat GUTR, but with adhesive instead of the strap? At least the latter is infinitely reusable.

THE Pedantic Asshole said...

DB: I am genetically and presently geographically German. That may explain my *achem* attention to boring details and accuracy. America gave Germany yours truly and took Peter Thiel in trade. I'm a bit partial but I think you all got gefikt.

Yes, you could go and buy a bag of sugar for cheap but I recommend a can of coke. Same thing.

I was thinking about breaking down the jeans selection as price per thread count but I didn't want to get le Correcteur any more riled than he already is.

jodphoto said...

Pedantic Asshole,

First, take a merkin and put it on your chin. Then look it up.

jodphoto said...

Kerry,

I'm glad you liked New York.

Your assessment that not everyone is an asshole left me teary-eyed. What a catharsis. Really, I'm drained. We New Yorkers love tourists. We grumble but will escort you by the hand to wherever you are searching to make sure you are safe and un-frustrated. We will help you interpret the parking rules. We love watching you look skyward while crossing an avenue like you are in a Rapture only you know about. We may be sarcastic but that is us.

While New Yorkers, too eschew "futzing" around we rarely "putz" around. By the way, how's your shmeckel?

McFly said...

Is that a hippo emerging from the depths of the Duck river? I had a little trouble getting my mountaineeringway bike to stay upright on the rock. Probably because my seat extends 34" from the top tube.

THE Pedantic Asshole said...

jodphoto,

Interesting suggestion and fitting because I once looked up at a merkin and then put it on my chin. Well, to be exact, the merkin put itself on my chin but it was upon my suggestion.

Anonymous said...

STOP LEAVING YOUR ENERGY FOOD PACKETS ALL OVER THE PLACE.

As the world was awash in neofreds who were spending 5 figures to be as close to Piti, Bela, Luigi and César, the logic went that you could also be like them by tossing all sorts of detritus on the roads during rides for the bargain price of *nothing*. In two of the groups I ride with, I made a point of going back and picking up any wrapper, pack or bottle (yes, group ride bottles) left behind. I would never make comment but it put an end to that quickly.

Fucking roadies....

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said ...

http://cycling-today.com/driver-pulls-gun-on-george-hincapie-and-his-8-year-old-son-whilst-out-cycling/

http://www.thebikecomesfirst.com/motorist-pulls-gun-on-george-hincapie-and-8-year-old-son-whilst-out-cycling/

http://www.granfondoguide.com/Contents/Index/1882/driver-pulls-gun-on-george-hincapie-and-his-8-year-old-son-whilst-out-cycling

I advocate open carry for cyclists!

I hope George got all John McInroe at the guy...

vsk


BamaPhred said...

I suppose Travis Bickell, SC version, pulled his pistol out cause his "gun" is too short.

dancesonpedals said...

George owns a boutique hotel just north of Greenville SC. I stayed there 2 weeks ago for a few days & had a great time riding in the Blue Ridge Mtns. It's a beautiful place to ride. Sorry his son had to see that kind of action,

Anonymous said...

Damp-leaf-ready tires would have a felt belt (good marketing slogan there) like wading boots have felt soles that stick on algae and weed covered rocks.

Anonymous said...

Get felt up. Get Felt Belt!

JLRB said...

I'm leasing an electronic uni brow to wear while riding my eBike

bad boy of the north said...

Before I forget.wasn't the book called "baby steps" in the bill murray movie "what about snob"?

Anonymous said...

Poor Levi. He's ugly enough without the Day-Glo unibrow.

Anonymous said...

2PM in the only timezone that matters*, and we still don't have today's post.

*New Yawk Time

Anonymous said...

Rethinking the safety of public transportation after this morning's NJ train derailment.

Anonymous said...

I hope the unibrow thing comes with an app so I can monitor it with my smart-ass phone.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 2:07pm,

I wouldn't, still extremely safe.

How many car crashes today?

--Wildcat Etc.

Anonymous said...

Hey Snob,

I thought you might get a kick out of this: In my hometown, the hospital system is offering a 'safe driving' course for teens:

*Licensed drivers ages 16 to 19 are invited to join either session to learn the fundamentals of vehicle control, including proper braking concepts, vehicle weight transfer and cornering and unexpected lane changes. Sessions will include both classroom and in-car education. Meals will be provided, and teens must be accompanied by a parent or guardian.*

Yes, you are allowed to control a vehicle of up to 26,000 pounds at 70 mph but you need mommy with to get information on how to do it without killing someone. It's fucking hilarious....but not really.

Anonymous said...

Excellent point. Actually I was a bit worried you'd gone to the dark side of the river and we're involved - late post and all had me worried.
Anonymous 2:07

Kerry said...

Jodphoto @ 5:24

You are displaying another typical NY attitude that makes us smile at your expense.. your belief that you and you alone have ownership on big city experiences is amusing but must be embrassing to you if only you realized it. . I hail from Tokyo, a city twice your size in area, population and many other metrics which you may want to measure. Our subways don't smell like urine, our streets are filled with people and cars, just like NYC, but the DB level is 1/2 that of your city. Our crime rate is at a fraction of NYC and despite mis conceptions about cost and taxes, it's cheaper to live here. We enjoy more freedom in our city because we can travel to whereever we want, at whatever time we want, not just men but women and childeren without fear of danger. If you feel that New Yorkers show grace and kindness by "taking us by the hand as we gawk skyward" then you obviously have not experienced life outside your bubble. And for humility, other then my display here on this rather ranting post, people from the Kanto area display humility to a fault.

Lest you think I'm just speaking from my narrow perspective, I'm an American aged 53 years old. I've lived overseas since I was 19 years old and have stayed (not just visited, but lived on the economy) in many of the great cities of the world. London, Frankfurt, Brussels, Hong Kong, Singapore and now, for the last 17 years, Tokyo.

NYC has come a long way and I hope it continues to. I hope someday the city can develop to the standards of other great cities around the world and still hold onto the things that make NYC unique.

Safe Travels and Enjoy the roads
The Tourist....

Unknown said...

Confused. Did Levi have a bbq accident that blew off his eyebrows? Did he replace his eyebrows with the stick-on unibrow? Did he shave off his eyebrows for aerodynamics?

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